the end of the road

NACC went really well. Attendees increase exponentially each year and this year we had upwards of 1000 people. We sold it out. It's an incredibly well run event. That's the good news. The bad is that I came back feeling terrible, and have continued to feel worse until now. It's clear(er) to me that my community, with a few exceptions, does not respect me, and likely find me repellant. I'm the oldest one around, and not respected like Deke. I'm just the old person noone knows why they're there. There are people in their 20s pinging off the walls with too much confidence for their work and experience, and they're the ones everyone loves. Survey responses to my social media class were middling, with a few people saying they got "nothing" out of it. Now, it's an hour of solid information on marketing and social media culled and revised from years of work in the business, so I can't understand how anyone could get "nothing" out of it. But there it is. There are other negative comments too about the event in general, but those don't hurt me personally. When someone comments that microphones are a "distraction", that's just garbage I/we can dismiss because it's stupid. But I can't do that with the comments about "nothing".

I felt sweaty and overwhelmed and gross all weekend. My allergies make sure that my nose is running constantly. That never fucking lets up and it's exhausting. It looks terrible. 6 years of shots and most symptoms are better, but the running nose NEVER EVER STOPS. Thurs night was supposed to be the team members who were there putting together packets/badges. We didn't have that stuff, so what it was was a party of people getting drunk, jumping in the pool, etc. Miserable for me. Miserable. Emotionally, it didn't get better from there.

I don't know why I'm doing this. I'm not interested in it anymore. I'm not respected. I'm not creating. I've put so much into this for nothing. I have no career. I am alone. I saw my NP 2 days ago and she looked over her glasses at me and told me - again - that I need to lose weight. The weight is causing all sorts of health issues, any of which will apparently kill me any day. More meds. Fabulous.

I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. I want out. 

dreams comma bad

My dreams are vivid, detailed, exhausting, and have narrowed themselves down to a handful of topics, almost all unpleasant, and even the pleasant one is unpleasant. Insecurity, not having a home, being alone, traveling alone, performance disasters, teaching disasters, unpleasant sex. These topics, without fail. Never a night of rest, never just a nice dream.

Last night I was teaching a class at a high school. My actual hs French teacher (who I see regularly as she is friends with my parents) was there and I was teaching her class. The room was HUGE, long and narrow with a piano almost at one end and kids lining the whole thing. I was late because I forgot my things and had to go back and get them. And the kids had ZERO interest in listening. They were talking and laughing at me and chewing tobacco (!!). I couldn't remember what I wanted to say, why I was there. It was a disaster, as all my dreams are.

I wasn't planning to teach at NACC because I haven't been feeling so great about teaching in general, or...anything. I'm afraid I have no skills or expertise, and certainly nothing compelling that people want to watch. But I was scheduled into the weekend anyways, and only recently found that out. I'm teaching a social media class and am on a women's panel. The sm class has been recently overhauled for Raymond's music biz class but needs to be refined further even since then, because things move so fast. So now I'm worried about both. Though most of the people are people I look forward to seeing, there are some I don't, the ones who have me hidden on Facebook and no longer interact with me unless they absolutely have to. They are reminders that people generally don't like me, that I'm easily dismissed or erased. No wonder I'm alone.

If I were into experimenting with meds, I would take some of the drugs I got for my back pain - muscle relaxant, serious painkillers, something else. I only took a few of the muscle relaxants at the height of the pain. The others I never took. But I wish I had an escape, just one night without this exhausting shit. I look and feel horrible.

In addition, Tomar (98) had a stroke. It's not looking good. I won't go into the details since I get no response or support here, but I don't see any good outcome here.