books and movies 2007

* recommended

BOOKS:
A Cook's Tour / Anthony Bourdain*
Animals In Translation / Temple Grandin*
Bee Season (on tape) / Myla Goldberg*
Pompeii: A Novel / Robert Harris
Try / Lily Burana*
Fun Home / Alison Bechdel*
Riven Rock / TC Boyle*
Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time / David Goodwillie
Tiny Ladies In Shiny Pants / Jill Soloway*
The Mysteries of Pittsburgh / Michael Chabon*
The Secret History / Donna Tartt*
Here If You Need Me / Kate Braestrup
The Elephanta Suite / Paul Theroux*
The Secret Between Us / Barbara Delinsky (for BzzAgent)
God Is Not Great / Christopher Hitchens*
The Highly Sensitive Person / Elaine Aron
The Nasty Bits / Anthony Bourdain*

MOVIES:
Little Children*
Bee Season
Children Of Men
(part of) Contact (on TV, still hated it)
Idiocracy
Black Snake Moan*
Zodiac
Bottle Rocket (again, on DVD)*
Sing Now, Or Forever Hold Your Peace (with Sarah, and, apparently, lots of a cappella fans)
The Lives Of Others*
Notes On A Scandal*
History Boys (@ home with Mom)*
Once*
House of Yes (with Dmitri, 8.25.07)*
Rushmore (with Dmitri, 8.26.07)*
The Aristocrats (with Dmitri, 8.26.07)*
(part of) West Side Story (with Dmitri, 8.26.07)*
Two Days In Paris*
The Darjeeling Limited*
Hotel Chevalier (iTunes)*
Into The Wild*
The Crucible (at Arricca and G's)
Beowulf (in Ohio with Dan and Tomar)
Flightplan (on TV)
Juno*
Sweeney Todd*
The Golden Compass (with Andrea and Mark)

annual wish list

Birthday Wish List

Luckily, this year “new car” and “new computer” have been crossed off the list – yay.

- guitar neck reset - $600

- ukulele

- strumstick

- gym membership or personal trainer

- remaining debts repaid

- consistent voice lessons

- plane tickets to SF and LA

- new iPod (Nano or Touch)

- diamonds / nice jewelry

- queen headboard

- living room rug

- clothes

- new cell phone provider and phone (one that works in my house)

- ability to craft a moving plan in a reasonable amount of time

- love

- a home

- success

- happiness

a few DVDs:

- Complete third and/or fourth season of Penn and Teller’s “Bullshit”

- Saturday Night Live - The Complete First Season

- Penn & Teller - Off the Deep End

- Pee-wee's Playhouse #2 - Seasons 3-5

- Broadcast News

- You Can Count on Me

- The Best of The Electric Company

- Northern Exposure - The Complete First Season

- SCTV, Volume 1 - Network 90 (5 Disc Set)

any of the following books:

- Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse
by Phyllis Diller

- The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid: A Memoir
by Bill Bryson

- The Discomfort Zone: A Personal History
by Jonathan Franzen

- The Nurture Assumption: Why Children Turn Out the Way They Do
by Judith Rich Harris

- Sleepaway
by Eric Simonoff

- What Patients Taught Me: A Medical Student's Journey
by Audrey Young

- Bad Girl: Confessions of a Teenage Delinquent
by Abigail Vona

- The Character of Cats: The Origins, Intelligence, Behavior, and Stratagems of Felis silvestris catus
by Stephen Budiansky

- The Golden Notebook
Doris Lessing

- Gentlemen of the Road
Michael Chabon

- A Free Life
Ha Jin

- No Reservations
Anthony Bourdain

- Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life
Steve Martin

- Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank
Celia Rivenbark

Realistically, I know I’ll be buying or acquiring these things (or not) for myself, so…better start savin’/creating!

semi-motivated

I've been trying to get stuff done while I have some downtime, lull between jobs, and with the holidays and all...

I've done things like organize my linen closet, weed out my sweater cabinet and take the castoffs to Red Cross, change my portfolio site's host (switched from Comcast to an actual host), etc. Nothing fascinating, but things that should get done. And though I haven't (and probably won't) settled in here, at least things are sort of organized. I also finished one CD design project and saw both "Juno" and "Sweeney Todd" - both were very good.

I decided to make this recipe for honey-pomegranate chicken thighs. Sounds good, doesn't it? One of the things that drives me nuts about Cooking Light (though in general it's a fine publication, and one of the many that Arricca writes for), is that they seem to fairly often call for really obscure ingredients. Like coconut flour. Ever heard of it? Me neither. I never found it. And this one needs pomegranate molasses. It says "you can find this at Middle Eastern grocery stores", as if there's one on every corner. After much online searching and calling and going to 3 Asian food stores (I know, not Middle Eastern), I decided to make my own per some recipes on the internet.

I boiled down 4 cups of pure pomegranate juice with lemon juice and some sugar. Over an hour later...pomegranate molasses. After sitting for a little while, what you get is a honey-textured pomegranate concentrate of the most rich dark red you've ever seen. It is the most delicious and intense thing EVER. Sexy, even. So tomorrow I'll make that recipe. I finally did, afterwards, find a Middle Eastern grocery in Boston that has the stuff, and I might have to stop over there on Weds just to get some in a bottle. I like exotic condiments - what can I say?

In addition, I'm still talking to everyone I can about both San Fran and LA, and will look at tickets to LA tomorrow, so that I can go out there in late Jan or early Feb. I've got to get things moving, even if things don't move in the direction I want them to. I feel like I have to wrest some momentum back into my life. One thing's for sure - everyone has an opinion. I've heard:

"That's a great idea!" (for both cities)

"I hate LA but love San Fran, so move to San Fran and then I'll come visit you. But if you're in LA...see ya."

"I can't imagine you in LA"

"I can totally imagine you in LA"

"I can totally imagine you in San Fran"

"San Fran is cold too - it's like Boston west" (uh, NO)

"Palm trees are not what they're cracked up to be"

"LA is a pit" (this is sort of like saying "New York is a pit" if you ask me -both cities are huge and sprawling and run the gamut)

etc.

Rehearsals are going well, but after our Jan 12 gig, I'm not sure what happens. If I'm moving, I don't have the heart or inclination to find a perm bass and an alto and get them integrated, only to have me leave, or them quit. Unfortunate, since things with Ryan and Ranjan (here seen playing Street Fighter in Ryan's apartment!) seem to be working out really well. They're both adorable, hardworking and fun to be with. And it sounds good. Even just the 3 of us. I'm excited to hear us as 5 for this gig. But we won't have a rehearsal until Jan 11 in NYC, then it's down to Philly for the show. I'm wondering if we should try to set up a show in NYC as well, but it just might be too much work at this point.

I'm definitely, deeply feeling what Barry calls "the holiday fuckitalls". For various reasons, I'm scared, worried, sad and longing. And completely inadequate to describe anything but the most mundane of activities.

bits and pieces

1.) Oh cordless mouse - why didn't I get you earlier?

2.) 4wd continues to kick ass; snow does not

3.) The Drowsy Chaperone is also closing this month, so I won't get to see it either. Boo. And Bob Saget as the lead sounded pretty cool. Seriously.

4.) Dancing Deer will be mentioned on "The Today Show" on Mon

5.) "Once" just came out on DVD. Must get that.

Had lunch today with Chris and Alex, who brought my music manuscripts back from Sotheby's London. Loved hearing him tell about walking down Bond Street with the Sotheby's bag and creating a lot of intrigue among the society ladies!

Rehearsals with Ranjan and Ryan are going well, and it's productive even though it's hard to get the whole sound without the other two. But they're such nice guys - easygoing, funny, hardworking and sincere. We'll only have one rehearsal (in NYC) all together before the gig, so it's a risk, but eh, we'll make it work. I'm building my callouses back up. There's something redemptive about that pain. And anyone who plays steel string knows that there IS pain involved. I've never bled from the strings, but the pain can be pretty intense. And there's no way to avoid it but to build up the callouses.

Gathering info on both SF and LA. Talking to lots of people, doing research. Planning to go to LA (and maybe SF) next month or early Feb. One of the many reasons it's so scary is that I don't plan for this to be a "Youngstown move". When I did theatre in Youngstown, people (actors) would leave to go to NYC for their big breaks. Then they'd come back a few months later. Many of them are there still, doing community theatre in Youngstown, big breaks long forgotten. I've noticed that people here do that as well. They'll move somewhere for a month, a few months, a year, and always move back. Often they haven't planned well enough to make the move work, and sometimes, I think, they only intend to move temporarily, because townies don't move away for good. But I have no real home, even though I've been here for 20 years. I need a new place, not a temporary change of scenery.

Pretty Molly

well that was fun

Oh, I'm sick by the way. After driving up to NH last week with Melissa coughing, sneezing and blowing her nose, I guess my defenses just couldn't hack it. So I've been sick since Tues. We're now to the coughing portion of the cold, and this should last several months (no joke). Delightful. This is why I try VERY hard not to get sick. Such that if I were a real hardass, I should have insisted we go in separate cars, but no.

I was supposed to go to NYC this weekend to see my friend Ed, in from Atlanta, to see closing night of Minimum Wage's show, to see Sarah and Marisa and maybe Barry. But the [SECOND SNOWSTORM COMING!!] frenzy and the ridiculous traffic backups that occurred this Thurs, coupled with this cold (my cold, not the weather, though that's a factor too) made me decide not to go. I need to go over music, finish a CD design, and move my portfolio site to a new host, so it's good to have time to do that, but...I could really have used the distraction.

The one good thing about the snow is that it allowed me to try out my 4wd for the first time, and it is fabulous. That is all. That said, I want to be (move) somewhere where I don't have to use it for snow driving.

So, Rocco loves to go outside and I take him and follow him. He usually stays on the porch. He seems to love snow, another fact to add to the many that suggest that he's likely a Maine Coon Cat rather than Persian (as the vet just told me), or a mix. I just got home and he wanted to go out, but I guess I hadn't quite turned my door lock far enough, so the door locked behind us. I'm stuck outside with my cat, and it's in the teens outside. My landlords' cars are there but they're not answering the door. My back door is locked. I go over my vet's office, luckily right down the road and open, and try to look up my landlord in the phone book. Not listed. I call my realtor. Not answering. I call Raymond and Pam - not answering. I call Chris. She answers and says she'll come down. Chris...she is the BEST. This is a hike for her. They put me in an exam room and Rocco is a little scared but fine. This cat has totally bonded to me. He just wants to sit on me when he's scared, and be near me when he's not. He's behind me on the couch as we speak (see picture).

While waiting, Raymond calls me back (at the vet's) and rummages around for my keys and finally finds them. He meets me at home, I call Chris (and she has to hike back home - sorry!), and we're back in. And noone is the worse for wear. But it's interesting to me how I/we (anyone) process these types of things. Do we fall apart? Do we panic? Do we think logically? Would I fall apart if I had a partner that I could sob to once it was all over? I don't think so, but it'd be nice, I think, to know that I could sigh after it was all over and let my guard down to someone who would wrap me up and say "it's all ok now". Having to be completely autonomous all the time is tiring.

what is a rap?

By the way, when someone speaks lyrics rhythmically over a rhythm section, it IS a rap. Doesn't matter that it's not some black dude (or woman) singing it, or that it's not a white rapper like Eminem, or that it's not being performed in a setting that you would associate with rap. It's still a rap, in form and function. Deal with it.

This ties into closed minded people who say they hate all "rap and country". There are so many different types of rap and country that just saying that makes you not only a mimic, but a small minded one at that.

Bourdain-isms

On chain restaurants:

"I urge the reader to patronize, if only once, one of these shining examples of Restaurant Hell. Sit down in once of the oversized booths, breathe deep, suck up the ambiance, peer deep into the waiter's eyes. Take notice of the details. Carefully study the menu, a veritable field manual of the submediocre. Nearly everything you want to avoid in a restaurant is right there for you to see..."

-Anthony Bourdain / The Nasty Bits

Two people in the recent past have said to me something along the lines of how they believe that (or don't believe, but don't want others to think they believe) that people who insist on good quality food and try to avoid crappy chain restaurant fare makes them (or would make them) "food snobs". But avoiding crap and insisting on better does NOT a "food snob" make. It makes you discerning and a seeker of quality. Quality, and not just what's on the corner. Why avoiding the "submediocre" would make one a "snob", I don't know. I think we all should do just that. We'd be healthier, happier, more...whole (as is the food).

A food snob, to me, is someone who insists that everything they eat be organic when they don't really understand the politics or benefits therein, or someone who eats fish (and maybe sometimes chicken) but calls themselves "vegetarian". It's the ultimate in posing and hypocrisy. Or someone who has eschewed all things "white" (flour, sugar) and feels the need to try to shame everyone they come in contact with to do the same. Or someone who thinks that expensive = good, when in fact the best food can often be found at the diviest, most out of the way places. If only we'd take the chance and step off the main drag.

Me, I can enjoy the very occasional Whopper (hold the pickles and cheese - mmm), because it is what it is and doesn't try to be anything more. But the travesty of a place like Uno's, or TGI Friday's (these types of places are referred to as "TGI McFunsters" by Bourdain) is that they're trying to force feed us sub-fast food junk in the form of a sit down restaurant. It's industrialized food that's predictable and flavorless and decidedly NOT fresh. Why can't you customize your order? Because it's already made up and done. Just send it down the conveyor belt and right to your table.

Sadly, a new Uno's opened up near me recently. I decided to give it one chance and have lunch there with a friend. I got soup and salad, both of which were AWFUL. Truly awful. And I got an iced tea, for which I was charged something like $3.oo. We even asked the waitress if that was the right price. So, I learned, and I won't go back. Shame on me for expecting an industrial restaurant (such as it is) to defy my expectations.

From now on, I'll leave it to parents who want to take their kids somewhere for a chicken finger basket, assuming (probably incorrectly) that they just won't eat anything more adventurous.

cut

Today I got my hair cut. Shorter than it's been since college, I think. I'd talked via email to my stylist and told her that I was really looking for some style OTHER THAN "renaissance fair serving wench". To wit:

We were doing a gig this fall NEAR a ren fair. Before the gig, we were having dinner at some restaurant. And the waitress wanted to know if we could get her tickets to the fair. Why was she asking that, I wondered? Then it quickly dawned on me. She thought we were IN the fair, because of ME (and because the other 3 look kinda performer-y). Not a period sword or crimson lined man-cape in sight, but she assumed anyways. Stupid hair. And no, we can't get you tickets.

But this hair has always been an annoyance, and no matter how many times people say "Well, the grass is always greener - I'd LOVE to have hair like yours", or "Do you know how much people pay to get their hair to look like yours?*", the truth is that the care and feeding (and STRUCTURE) of curly hair is quite complex. It took me years just to learn how to take care of it (ie, NEVER brush or comb when dry - EVER...in fact, don't even bother with a brush at all), because I'm the only one in my family "blessed" thus. And because hairstylists don't learn how to cut curly hair (esp for women/girls), I was assured of walking out of many Ohio salons with several disastrous mullet-y, afro-y 'dos conveniently situated amongst my most painful adolescent years.

So I'd tried to find some example styles for my stylist, but if you search for "curly hairstyles" online, what you get is tons of pictures of women with straight hair that's been curled, and almost none of women with actual curly hair (except Sarah Jessica Parker, who managed to have actual curly hair and tons of really cool styles in "SATC"), which is way more unruly and difficult to actually style. Difficult to style because weight is necessary to keep it from pouffing out, and that means length. All one length, all the time. Gimme a corset and a flagon of mead.

So she layered it and cut off a good several inches. And as she was cutting and it was drying in the air, it began to frizz uncontrollably. I usually don't see this aspect of my hair because it goes right from wet to product-ed. But when I see it in its "natural" state, I realize again (and with horror) what a completely different animal curly hair is from straight hair. With its own set of finicky rules and rigid demands. If I'm ever a contestant on "Survivor" (and unless Jeff Probst starts abducting people, I think I'm safe), I'd have to bring Matrix Smoothing Gel as my luxury item. Or maybe some leave-in conditioner, lest I be left with an irreparably tangled ball of frizz by the time I got voted off the island.

So this brings up lots of emotions that are seemingly out of proportion to a haircut given to someone who's not, say, 15. Some I'd rather not talk about, and haven't even completely realized. So though this is what I asked for, I'm freaking out a bit.

*Turns out...NOTHING. Noone is going to their hairsylist desiring long ringlet-y hair because IT'S NOT 1992!

water paranoia

Though I will drink bottled water out of convenience when I'm out and about, it drives me NUTS when people are all crazy-paranoid about drinking water out of the tap, as if it's akin to taking a straw and slurping directly from an oil-laced highway puddle. These are the same people who think that Dasani is somehow better for them, even though it actually is (as it says here) bottled municipal tap water. Puh-lease.

Amy's Personal 10

I just came across the "personal 10" that Barry wrote for me a while ago, and remembered how I love them. They could really apply to anyone. Wanted to post them again...

1. Thou shalt not give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of you.

2. Thou shalt be as nasty as thy please.

3. Thou shalt forego guilt.

4. Thou shalt honor thy Self.

5. Thou shalt flip off naysayers.

6. Thou shalt sing because it feels good.

7. Thou shalt laugh whenever thou feeleth like it.

8. Thou shalt not worry about money.

9. Thou shalt wear comfy shoes.

10. Thou shalt rock on.

unexplainable connections

Have you ever had a strong connection with someone you can't explain? Mostly we can pretty accurately pinpoint why we're connected or not connected to someone (we have a lot of history, you're my brother/sister/mother/friend, i want to fuck you, i've fucked you, we have shared something significant, etc), but sometimes there's something more ethereal at work. For example, when I went on a cruise in 2001 with my friend Andrea, we decided we didn't want to do anything touristy, so each day, each different island (southern Caribbean), we'd hire a driver and ask (him) to take us somewhere out of the way. On St. Kitts, we hired a guy that I immediately clicked with. I don't mean attraction, and it was almost completely unspoken. He was probably in his 60s, married, and we likely had nothing in common. But there was clearly SOMETHING between us. It was clear to all of us - Andrea, this guy, and me. That day, he told me he loved me and asked me to kiss him (I declined, thanks). But again, don't think it was about attraction in any obvious way (though he was apparently attracted to me) - it was almost as if we were connected before we met.

If you know me, you know I'm a skeptic, so these kinds of things...well, all I can do is acknowledge them.

I have a friend who I met years ago when she was a folk music DJ. She was a REALLY good one, too. Always knew her guests, knew her music...she was just good. And we always had this crazy affection for each other, even though we didn't see each other that often (usually just when I went to be interviewed by her). Now she's doing voiceovers and commercials and she's doing well. I recently saw her on a Comcast ad, though I only recognized her by voice and had to ask if it was her, because they made her all old looking.

So, I return from Ohio and I get back to Logan Airport. I'm walking to baggage claim and I hear...Marilyn, her voice ringing through the airport, doing some public service announcement. And she does have a really melodic and distinctive speaking voice. And it made me cry. I'm not sure if I was just happy to be out of Ohio and the chaos/self flagellation that goes along with it, or happy to be home, or sad because it doesn't really feel like "home" anymore, if it ever did.

So I emailed Marilyn to tell her this. And she said:

There has always been some inexplicable something in
common between us, hasn't there? Even at the airport!
I think of you often.

You will be pleased to know that AAB fan, Andy Beyer,
aged 18, is a member of the Buffoons, CU Boulder's
oldest a capella group. Bass, mouth percussion.

Sweet hearing from you!

Love, Marilyn

Now, we've never discussed this connection we have, and again, it's not attraction, or romantic (we're both straight, and she's married). And it's beyond just affection or friendship, because I have affection for lots of people, but this is something else. Not necessarily something MORE, but something else. I think it's fascinating, somehow precious and mysterious, and I wonder if this happens to other people. It must.

why "the spirit of the season" is utter and complete horseshit

http://www.newsday.com/business/ny-lishop1125,0,4895419.story?coll=ny_home_head_1

http://blogs.orlandosentinel.com/news_business_blog/2007/11/early-start-to.html#more

http://www.ktvb.com/news/localnews/stories/ktvbn-nov2307-mall.2fa16a0a.html

whatcha gonna do, Johnny?

I've been worried about the movie adaptation of "Sweeney Todd", likely my favorite musical. It's way dark and the music complex. Will they dumb it down, PG-13 it so that it's kid-friendly? If so, it will no longer be "Sweeney Todd". How would you make murder and unwitting cannibalism kid-friendly, anyways? I like the preview, and I'm giving Johnny Depp the benefit of the doubt, though I have no idea how any non-singer could make their way through this score competently. Sacha Baron Cohen as Pirelli is a genius choice, though. I'm keeping my mind open. Don't let me down, Johnny.

dreams that are not obscure

I dreamt last night that I decided I should give my cats away since I'm a renter, and therefore not fit to have pets because I'm not a homeowner. I took them to some woman's house and we went to her basement for some kind of assessment. I was just carrying the cats, which is fine for Rocco, but not for Shirley, who doesn't like to be picked up when relaxed, and just tries to get away when panicked. The dream then morphed to another location (a revamped amusement park) and various other things happened, but I was still going to give them away, and was carrying them outside when Shirley got bit by a black snake (there were tons of them all over the ground) and was clearly in pain, and her tail was swelling. It was just...sad, and heartbreaking, and awful.

It doesn't take much to interpret how I feel about my own successes and failures. Being a lowly renter at my age weights heavily on me and embarrasses me. In my waking life, I don't' think that's ever translated to "I better get rid of my cats", because I know I'm a damn good pet owner, but it does leave me with a deep feeling of inadequacy.

I think I'm feeling generally inadequate owing to various things. I went to Pam and Raymond's elopement party this weekend and knew almost noone. Big group events are hard for me if I don't know anyone. They're great fun if I do. ie we'll have a similar-sized group at Thanksgiving, but I will know most everyone, so it'll be great. But a big crowd where I only know a few people is completely overwhelming to me. And the more I read "The Highly Sensitive Person", the more I realized how completely I fit into that model. I just am terrible at cold-introducing myself to strangers. Once I am introduced, I can find no end of things to talk about, and comfortably, but that initial intro is a HUGE hurdle for me. I think there's this belief that people like me are socially awkward dorks that you don't want at your events, but it's not like that, and it's shitty to assume that.

I met a few people that I really connected with, so that was nice. But I'm the person who becomes invisible at times. People literally back up into me and have conversations as if I'm not there. It's uncanny and makes me sad, mad, and ashamed. I'm not sure how it happens, but it always does. I see people back up against me and I know I've become invisible. Pam's sister is a very well known cinematographer and though I spent last Thanksgiving with just her and Pam and Raymond, she seemed not to know who I was, and was one of the people who backed up against me more than once to have conversations with others, and didn't see me. I'm not sure I can describe it without sounding like a fool. Maybe I already do.

Ok, I've got to get some writing done, then pack, mail some birthday presents, etc.

I periodically join these online dating sites because of, essentially, pressure. Voices saying, "Well, you've got to do SOMETHING"; "It's the new way to meet someone!"; "Why not just TRY?" So I joined OKCupid. Someone from OKCupid IM'd me last night and said he'd been in my town that day. I thought "Ok, I'll bite" (trying to be open minded) and I responded. He told me his Grandmother lives here (though he lives in NH) and he was driving her somewhere. So we talked for a while. He's 28 and just finished college (?). Anyways, eventually he veered into the VERY intimate. I don't like to IM with people I don't know and I CERTAINLY don't want to talk about sex with a stranger. It's not sexy to me. I'm looking for a real connection, not to get off while sitting at my fucking computer. So I eventually just said I had to go. This is the perfect example of why I hate this shit. It ALWAYS devolves into this. These guys don't want to get to know someone online in any remotely dignified manner. Because of the anonymity of it, they just go right to places that you shouldn't go with a stranger, at least with one you don't know for sure is willing. Online dating is NOT scary - it's not about having your safety and security compromised - it's about the fact that men have NO sense of propriety online and don't seem to know or care that women don't want to go right from "hello" to "do you like to suck cock?" There are sites or sections of sites that are clearly just for hooking up/finding sex, but men treat every site that way. And there is nothing in my profile that says "I'm looking for online sex". It's so depressing.

Other things have me...why bother writing it? I've had enough of these never ending "challenges".

I just got back from the ENT. It had been about a year and a half since I was there. And 3 years since they scoped me initially and told me that my vocal cords were really damaged by Laryngopharyngeal Reflux. It took me almost two years just to get myself to a doctor, even though singing had become painful and difficult. I knew I was singing with and trying to keep up with two belters, so I assumed that this was just price I had to pay.

Anyways, I wanted to check to see if being on the Prilosec long term is ok. They said that I’m on the lowest dosage there is, but I could try taking it every other day and see if it still holds (if I stop taking it for 3-4 days, I start getting that something-stuck-in-my-throat feeling and that does not go away until I take the drug again). I wanted to know if they needed to scope me again and if the reason they hadn't done it was because I’d almost passed out the first time. He said they should probably look again...right then.

I did ok through the numbing spray (which, seriously, is the most disgusting tasting thing ever) and at the beginning of threading the camera into my nose, but it wasn't long before I started feeling very lightheaded (though I was completely lying flat) and asked them to take it out. If I’d tried to “suck it up” and let them go on, I likely would have ended up seizing in the chair, with a camera down my nose, so I opted for having them take it out. My body does NOT do well with being invaded by anything inorganic. They said they'd seen enough to know that my cords looked really good and the intern said that if she didn't know I had reflux, she wouldn't have known by what she saw. As opposed to the first time they did it when I was at the very end of the "damaged" spectrum. So the drugs are clearly doing their thing, and singing is much easier, and not painful like it was for a few years.

So I just keep taking the drugs and go back in a year. There are surgical options but they are high risk and often don't work as well as the meds.

It's weird to just walk outside after one of these episodes. It's almost like being reborn. It's so traumatic (though I’ve gotten really good at staying calm, telling them what I need, and maintaining my dignity, as long as I can stay conscious), and then to just walk outside like everything's fine after you've just literally won a battle with your own body as it tried to shut down...I can't really describe it, but it's surreal.

me heart

There isn't anything I don't love about this:

Craziness in Calabasas

Another Stargate video by my SIL Angie, featuring my whole family (including an appearance by Hartman the cat) - Angie, sister Pamela, BIL Michael, nieces Cydney and Sawyer, and a woman I don't know.

through a foreigner's eyes

I've been thinking a lot about weight as it pertains to this country. When D was here, he observed that people here (east coast) were about 30 lbs heavier on average than people in San Fran. That, for me, was yet another reason that it makes sense for me to get out west. And when I drove from here (east coast) to Cleveland in July, stopping only at reststops along the way, I noticed that as I drove west, people got decidedly heavier. It feels like we truly are a country of out-of-control gluttons, and it makes sense that other countries look at us this way. We're sedentary, we have bad (though addictive), high-calorie foods available to us at all times, and at irresistibly low prices.

When I go to family restaurants, it's a veritable portrait of Fat America, all of us indulging our caloric fantasies without worry. I'm embarrassed for us and I'm embarrassed for myself. I know that I'm heavier than I should be, and though my heavier friends tell me I look fine, my thinner friends are silent and my doctors know I'm not. My laryngopharyngeal reflux, which has done such damage to my vocal chords and voice, is partially due to weight, as are my heel spurs and knee problems. And the only thing that will make these things better is for me to take control and get back down to a weight that my body doesn't struggle against.

And those are just the physical/medical issues. Beyond that, there are the aesthetics, the reality that my weight is one of the things, if not the main thing, keeping me single and sometimes forcibly celibate, as men are visual and cannot see past the visual, or choose not to, and I am decidedly, irreversibly straight (where are the "ex-straight" programs? - ha ha).

I've been seeing so many overweight children lately, and that is just WRONG. Kids shouldn't be fat unless they have a medical issue. Otherwise, it's the result of lifestyle and it's the parents. I'm glad I don't have children, because I know that if I did and if they were overweight, it would be noone's fault but my own, and that would break my heart. I'd have to either suck it up and start modeling a very active lifestyle, or somehow convince myself that it wasn't my responsibility that that they were overweight, and that other things matter more than "appearance". Then again, maybe if I did have kids, I would have sucked it up and gotten fit for their benefit. Diet wouldn't be that much of an issue, because I eat well, always have, and grew up with parents who thought about nutrition when it seemed noone else was. My sister has my nieces doing 4000 physical activities and eating extremely healthily, and though I think she's a bit extreme, I think the alternative is worse.

I don't completely separate myself from the 300 lb + population, because it seems that anyone could become that big with a moderately bad diet and no movement. It seems like it could happen frightfully easily. But now that I see us through a foreigner's eyes, I'm ashamed. We are a country that has been historically raised on beef and potatoes and not, like most Asian countries, on fish and rice, but we have education and options - the option to eat whatever we want. All the good stuff is available to us now, as accessible as our local supermarket. And we have the option to incorporate exercise into our lives, even if it's not particularly enjoyable. All I can do is try to fix things for ME. But I wish that we as a country would wake up a bit more to this problem.