Operation Fatass

It's never good when two nurses literally gasp at how high your BP is, but that is what happened to me a few days ago. My NP put me on a med because it'd been high for a while, but I was warned that the med often caused a cough that didn't go away and I got that cough (and still have it). So I was going in for the BP check and to talk about a new med. And that's when it happened. How embarrassing. They told me to take the new med that day (I actually just got it today) because it was so alarmingly high. I really am falling apart. I think of myself as healthy but I'm definitely way too sedentary. And I've been so so tired lately. How much of it is a feedback loop where all the negative effects of the BP cause me to just want to be more sedentary?

Gotta get this under control, all of it, but I also feel so hopeless that it's hard to feel motivation about much of anything. Hell, I'm now in the "over 50" category where you're just lumped in with people who are in all of the decades above you. You're just OLD. I'm not ready to be old. Still, I resent having my health (and mid-level attractiveness) taken from me and I want it back, so let's see if I can get it back. Operation Fatass has begun.

New name, maybe?

I don't know. Seems fitting. 

compassion tax

Every day there are reminders that it's expensive to be poor. Some are more acutely felt than others. I haven't had the funds to pay my (bullshit) car excise tax ($60) but I got a little bit of money on some work I've done (still waiting for payment on last month's event) and decided to pay it since it was late. That meant pushing back other things that were also late and aren't bullshit, like gas and electric. But I took the check over to the office and left it with a note explaining that it was late not because I'd forgotten but because I didn't have the money, but here it was, the first time I'd had it since I got the bill. Today I received the check back with a note to call because I'd paid late and that meant I'd incurred fees. So I called and was told I owed another $15. I told them I'd left a note and they really had to send me the check back for $15? Yes, we legally can't take it unless you pay the late fees. Now, I'm gonna guess this, too, is bullshit, and they could take it if they wanted to, but that compassion is in short supply in a town where money reigns supreme. "Thanks for your compassion", I told her, and then, as is the way of all Massholes, she got mad back at me, because how dare I call someone on their bullshit tax and their bullshit fees on top of their bullshit tax. What's this tax FOR? But yet again, another slap in the face that I'm not a functional adult. And yet I'm working my ass off, not enough hours in the day. Not even time to write this, in fact, but I wanted to put it somewhere. In fact, now I'm going to bill for a design job I just finished, and maybe ask about payment from last month (which I hate to do, since I'm always the one asking - noone else seems to need it).

It's expensive to be poor.

In addition, my back has been hurting so much lately it hurts just to stand or cough, let alone do anything else. I desperately need a new mattress. I am trying to avoid my father's fate. Sometimes I'm bent over like him because I'm hurting so much. Highly doubtful that painkiller addiction is in my future but the back issues have been issues for a while. I was told years ago (when I had an MRI) that I had "the back of a 65 year old". I need a gym membership and a mattress. But instead I flip the old one and hope that suffices again.

And do stretches.