wash it out of your mind...

I am a reluctant meat-eater. It takes a lot of mental hoop-jumping for me to eat meat, which I do and have always done, because I like (some of) it. But there's always an effort. Today I thought I'd get some sushi from Whole Foods. But what I saw was a little worm coming out of one of the pieces of sushi at the store. Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh nooooo...I always worry about this when I eat sushi. I've heard that lots of sushi and fish has worms in it and I try not to think about that, because it's so disgusting to me. And there it was. Ew ew ew ew ew ew.

Vegetarian pizza for me.

Judging tomorrow, and apparently N will be a judge as well. Great. Looking forward to being ignored. The more I think of it, the more I think that my brief time w/C was incredibly damaging. From literally the first time we (re) met up, he was telling me he'd "heard" I was crazy but wouldn't say more or cite anyone. And then he treated me like utter shit while I was as accommodating as I could have been, and then he decided, not based on anything in reality, that his "sources" (if indeed they exist; I have no clue who they could be) were right after all. And then we never spoke again. So this...situation with N makes me feel crazy and second guess myself constantly, makes me feel used, makes me feel awful, as he doesn't even bother to communicate with me anymore, though he said he very much wanted to be friends. And the kicker? We get along really well. But I'm not of high enough profile now, apparently, to stay in touch with.

Great. That makes me feel fucking fantastic.

At least I didn't eat a sushi worm.

uncomfortable

I'm whitening my teeth again. I haven't done it for a while. At least a year, maybe more, but they were looking yellow-y and that's one thing I can fix. Because I have the custom trays and I got the gel from my dentist. It's a miserable process. You wear them overnight. It makes your teeth VERY sensitive. I'm 3 days in and my teeth hurt. But it's also already working. So, pain, but also gain.

Also, allergy shot. Same deal.

So I'm uncomfortable.

I don't want to go to this red carpet event in a few weeks. I don't like not having defined jobs, I don't know what to wear, and I just don't have the strength to watch everyone gush about everyone else, and be left out of that. "You're a genius!" "No, you're a genius!" I know that whatever I do wear I won't feel good in, and I'll be invisible to everyone, to him, and I will skip the actual red carpet walk. Here are a bunch of dresses I saved because I like them, but I really can't afford them.

And here is an article that A wrote that I, sadly, contributed to about what NOT to say to single people. I won't publicize this, because I don't want to promote the fact that I'm single. It just seems pathetic no matter how it's presented, and noone's connecting me with anyone, so what does being public about it get me? Although, I do wish people would take all of this advice.

noise respite over

The Riverdancers upstairs were gone for a few days, and it was glorious. No jumping, hopping, scraping furniture across the floor every few minutes all day and night. Now they're back and jumpy as usual. I still cannot tell what the FUCK they're doing. If they don't have small children, rolling chairs, a disability, a skipping obsession, or large pets, there's no fucking WAY they should be making so much noise, falling so often, moving large objects every few minutes. But on it goes, without stopping. My nerves are frayed, even moreso than usual. Which is probably fine, since I doubt I'll be here for much longer anyway...

briefly...

Last night, went with Chris and J to see EP. I should mention that I'd already gone to get my hair done, picked up C's laptop at her work, looked for dresses (again, and still unsuccessful), ran out of gas near her house, got rescued by her, and then had Chinese food. I've known EP for close to 25 years, and Chris for almost that long. He is still SO good, doing well. I went to the bathroom during the intermission. When I went in there were other women in there, when I left there was noone, so I ran into him as I was leaving, and there was not one other person around. It was very movie-ish. Hug, kiss, brief conversation. I wish I had more time w/him.

I kept thinking about how the whole coffeehouse circuit, which has been very good to him, is so different than the venues my aca friends are playing. Loud, bigger, younger crowds. As opposed to the older, quiet, very polite coffeehouse people (some of whom apparently dress like Morris Dancers for no apparent reason!). You'd think I'd be more appreciative of that quieter crowd as I got older, but I like the liveliness of the aca-shows, audiences who sometimes get up and dance, more audibly appreciative.

Then I had a dream that I was watching a show that N had written, produced and was starring in. It covered several locations, so the audience had to keep moving. The cast was huge, and filled with beautiful young women in cool clothes that I was coveting. At some point, I was in their dressing area. I felt so out of it, so excluded, so foreign. He and I had little to no interaction. Woke up exhausted.

The Sing-Off is coming back. It is all of the above: something N will probably be involved with again (either on it, or working on it), something I'll be excluded from both on and off camera, but I'll help facilitate it. In fact, I already am. There have already been conference calls and pow-wows on things we're doing. Outside-ish, looking in. That's me.