Have you ever had a strong connection with someone you can't explain? Mostly we can pretty accurately pinpoint why we're connected or not connected to someone (we have a lot of history, you're my brother/sister/mother/friend, i want to fuck you, i've fucked you, we have shared something significant, etc), but sometimes there's something more ethereal at work. For example, when I went on a cruise in 2001 with my friend Andrea, we decided we didn't want to do anything touristy, so each day, each different island (southern Caribbean), we'd hire a driver and ask (him) to take us somewhere out of the way. On St. Kitts, we hired a guy that I immediately clicked with. I don't mean attraction, and it was almost completely unspoken. He was probably in his 60s, married, and we likely had nothing in common. But there was clearly SOMETHING between us. It was clear to all of us - Andrea, this guy, and me. That day, he told me he loved me and asked me to kiss him (I declined, thanks). But again, don't think it was about attraction in any obvious way (though he was apparently attracted to me) - it was almost as if we were connected before we met.
If you know me, you know I'm a skeptic, so these kinds of things...well, all I can do is acknowledge them.
I have a friend who I met years ago when she was a folk music DJ. She was a REALLY good one, too. Always knew her guests, knew her music...she was just good. And we always had this crazy affection for each other, even though we didn't see each other that often (usually just when I went to be interviewed by her). Now she's doing voiceovers and commercials and she's doing well. I recently saw her on a Comcast ad, though I only recognized her by voice and had to ask if it was her, because they made her all old looking.
So, I return from Ohio and I get back to Logan Airport. I'm walking to baggage claim and I hear...Marilyn, her voice ringing through the airport, doing some public service announcement. And she does have a really melodic and distinctive speaking voice. And it made me cry. I'm not sure if I was just happy to be out of Ohio and the chaos/self flagellation that goes along with it, or happy to be home, or sad because it doesn't really feel like "home" anymore, if it ever did.
So I emailed Marilyn to tell her this. And she said:
There has always been some inexplicable something in
common between us, hasn't there? Even at the airport!
I think of you often.
You will be pleased to know that AAB fan, Andy Beyer,
aged 18, is a member of the Buffoons, CU Boulder's
oldest a capella group. Bass, mouth percussion.
Sweet hearing from you!
Love, Marilyn
Now, we've never discussed this connection we have, and again, it's not attraction, or romantic (we're both straight, and she's married). And it's beyond just affection or friendship, because I have affection for lots of people, but this is something else. Not necessarily something MORE, but something else. I think it's fascinating, somehow precious and mysterious, and I wonder if this happens to other people. It must.
30 November 2007
26 November 2007
why "the spirit of the season" is utter and complete horseshit
24 November 2007
whatcha gonna do, Johnny?
I've been worried about the movie adaptation of "Sweeney Todd", likely my favorite musical. It's way dark and the music complex. Will they dumb it down, PG-13 it so that it's kid-friendly? If so, it will no longer be "Sweeney Todd". How would you make murder and unwitting cannibalism kid-friendly, anyways? I like the preview, and I'm giving Johnny Depp the benefit of the doubt, though I have no idea how any non-singer could make their way through this score competently. Sacha Baron Cohen as Pirelli is a genius choice, though. I'm keeping my mind open. Don't let me down, Johnny.
19 November 2007
dreams that are not obscure
I dreamt last night that I decided I should give my cats away since I'm a renter, and therefore not fit to have pets because I'm not a homeowner. I took them to some woman's house and we went to her basement for some kind of assessment. I was just carrying the cats, which is fine for Rocco, but not for Shirley, who doesn't like to be picked up when relaxed, and just tries to get away when panicked. The dream then morphed to another location (a revamped amusement park) and various other things happened, but I was still going to give them away, and was carrying them outside when Shirley got bit by a black snake (there were tons of them all over the ground) and was clearly in pain, and her tail was swelling. It was just...sad, and heartbreaking, and awful.
It doesn't take much to interpret how I feel about my own successes and failures. Being a lowly renter at my age weights heavily on me and embarrasses me. In my waking life, I don't' think that's ever translated to "I better get rid of my cats", because I know I'm a damn good pet owner, but it does leave me with a deep feeling of inadequacy.
I think I'm feeling generally inadequate owing to various things. I went to Pam and Raymond's elopement party this weekend and knew almost noone. Big group events are hard for me if I don't know anyone. They're great fun if I do. ie we'll have a similar-sized group at Thanksgiving, but I will know most everyone, so it'll be great. But a big crowd where I only know a few people is completely overwhelming to me. And the more I read "The Highly Sensitive Person", the more I realized how completely I fit into that model. I just am terrible at cold-introducing myself to strangers. Once I am introduced, I can find no end of things to talk about, and comfortably, but that initial intro is a HUGE hurdle for me. I think there's this belief that people like me are socially awkward dorks that you don't want at your events, but it's not like that, and it's shitty to assume that.
I met a few people that I really connected with, so that was nice. But I'm the person who becomes invisible at times. People literally back up into me and have conversations as if I'm not there. It's uncanny and makes me sad, mad, and ashamed. I'm not sure how it happens, but it always does. I see people back up against me and I know I've become invisible. Pam's sister is a very well known cinematographer and though I spent last Thanksgiving with just her and Pam and Raymond, she seemed not to know who I was, and was one of the people who backed up against me more than once to have conversations with others, and didn't see me. I'm not sure I can describe it without sounding like a fool. Maybe I already do.
Ok, I've got to get some writing done, then pack, mail some birthday presents, etc.
It doesn't take much to interpret how I feel about my own successes and failures. Being a lowly renter at my age weights heavily on me and embarrasses me. In my waking life, I don't' think that's ever translated to "I better get rid of my cats", because I know I'm a damn good pet owner, but it does leave me with a deep feeling of inadequacy.
I think I'm feeling generally inadequate owing to various things. I went to Pam and Raymond's elopement party this weekend and knew almost noone. Big group events are hard for me if I don't know anyone. They're great fun if I do. ie we'll have a similar-sized group at Thanksgiving, but I will know most everyone, so it'll be great. But a big crowd where I only know a few people is completely overwhelming to me. And the more I read "The Highly Sensitive Person", the more I realized how completely I fit into that model. I just am terrible at cold-introducing myself to strangers. Once I am introduced, I can find no end of things to talk about, and comfortably, but that initial intro is a HUGE hurdle for me. I think there's this belief that people like me are socially awkward dorks that you don't want at your events, but it's not like that, and it's shitty to assume that.
I met a few people that I really connected with, so that was nice. But I'm the person who becomes invisible at times. People literally back up into me and have conversations as if I'm not there. It's uncanny and makes me sad, mad, and ashamed. I'm not sure how it happens, but it always does. I see people back up against me and I know I've become invisible. Pam's sister is a very well known cinematographer and though I spent last Thanksgiving with just her and Pam and Raymond, she seemed not to know who I was, and was one of the people who backed up against me more than once to have conversations with others, and didn't see me. I'm not sure I can describe it without sounding like a fool. Maybe I already do.
Ok, I've got to get some writing done, then pack, mail some birthday presents, etc.
13 November 2007
I periodically join these online dating sites because of, essentially, pressure. Voices saying, "Well, you've got to do SOMETHING"; "It's the new way to meet someone!"; "Why not just TRY?" So I joined OKCupid. Someone from OKCupid IM'd me last night and said he'd been in my town that day. I thought "Ok, I'll bite" (trying to be open minded) and I responded. He told me his Grandmother lives here (though he lives in NH) and he was driving her somewhere. So we talked for a while. He's 28 and just finished college (?). Anyways, eventually he veered into the VERY intimate. I don't like to IM with people I don't know and I CERTAINLY don't want to talk about sex with a stranger. It's not sexy to me. I'm looking for a real connection, not to get off while sitting at my fucking computer. So I eventually just said I had to go. This is the perfect example of why I hate this shit. It ALWAYS devolves into this. These guys don't want to get to know someone online in any remotely dignified manner. Because of the anonymity of it, they just go right to places that you shouldn't go with a stranger, at least with one you don't know for sure is willing. Online dating is NOT scary - it's not about having your safety and security compromised - it's about the fact that men have NO sense of propriety online and don't seem to know or care that women don't want to go right from "hello" to "do you like to suck cock?" There are sites or sections of sites that are clearly just for hooking up/finding sex, but men treat every site that way. And there is nothing in my profile that says "I'm looking for online sex". It's so depressing.
Other things have me...why bother writing it? I've had enough of these never ending "challenges".
Other things have me...why bother writing it? I've had enough of these never ending "challenges".
05 November 2007
I just got back from the ENT. It had been about a year and a half since I was there. And 3 years since they scoped me initially and told me that my vocal cords were really damaged by Laryngopharyngeal Reflux. It took me almost two years just to get myself to a doctor, even though singing had become painful and difficult. I knew I was singing with and trying to keep up with two belters, so I assumed that this was just price I had to pay.
Anyways, I wanted to check to see if being on the Prilosec long term is ok. They said that I’m on the lowest dosage there is, but I could try taking it every other day and see if it still holds (if I stop taking it for 3-4 days, I start getting that something-stuck-in-my-throat feeling and that does not go away until I take the drug again). I wanted to know if they needed to scope me again and if the reason they hadn't done it was because I’d almost passed out the first time. He said they should probably look again...right then.
I did ok through the numbing spray (which, seriously, is the most disgusting tasting thing ever) and at the beginning of threading the camera into my nose, but it wasn't long before I started feeling very lightheaded (though I was completely lying flat) and asked them to take it out. If I’d tried to “suck it up” and let them go on, I likely would have ended up seizing in the chair, with a camera down my nose, so I opted for having them take it out. My body does NOT do well with being invaded by anything inorganic. They said they'd seen enough to know that my cords looked really good and the intern said that if she didn't know I had reflux, she wouldn't have known by what she saw. As opposed to the first time they did it when I was at the very end of the "damaged" spectrum. So the drugs are clearly doing their thing, and singing is much easier, and not painful like it was for a few years.
So I just keep taking the drugs and go back in a year. There are surgical options but they are high risk and often don't work as well as the meds.
It's weird to just walk outside after one of these episodes. It's almost like being reborn. It's so traumatic (though I’ve gotten really good at staying calm, telling them what I need, and maintaining my dignity, as long as I can stay conscious), and then to just walk outside like everything's fine after you've just literally won a battle with your own body as it tried to shut down...I can't really describe it, but it's surreal.
Anyways, I wanted to check to see if being on the Prilosec long term is ok. They said that I’m on the lowest dosage there is, but I could try taking it every other day and see if it still holds (if I stop taking it for 3-4 days, I start getting that something-stuck-in-my-throat feeling and that does not go away until I take the drug again). I wanted to know if they needed to scope me again and if the reason they hadn't done it was because I’d almost passed out the first time. He said they should probably look again...right then.
I did ok through the numbing spray (which, seriously, is the most disgusting tasting thing ever) and at the beginning of threading the camera into my nose, but it wasn't long before I started feeling very lightheaded (though I was completely lying flat) and asked them to take it out. If I’d tried to “suck it up” and let them go on, I likely would have ended up seizing in the chair, with a camera down my nose, so I opted for having them take it out. My body does NOT do well with being invaded by anything inorganic. They said they'd seen enough to know that my cords looked really good and the intern said that if she didn't know I had reflux, she wouldn't have known by what she saw. As opposed to the first time they did it when I was at the very end of the "damaged" spectrum. So the drugs are clearly doing their thing, and singing is much easier, and not painful like it was for a few years.
So I just keep taking the drugs and go back in a year. There are surgical options but they are high risk and often don't work as well as the meds.
It's weird to just walk outside after one of these episodes. It's almost like being reborn. It's so traumatic (though I’ve gotten really good at staying calm, telling them what I need, and maintaining my dignity, as long as I can stay conscious), and then to just walk outside like everything's fine after you've just literally won a battle with your own body as it tried to shut down...I can't really describe it, but it's surreal.
02 November 2007
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