the day before the last day of the year

I have no patience for movies starring beautiful actors who in real life are very coupled up, playing (unconvincingly) single people who are in love with and/or are with the wrong person, and in the end, as predicted, they end up with the right person, even if it means they stop a wedding in progress. I no longer believe in any scenario even close to this. Or maybe these things are realities for other people, but I remain alone. It makes it hard to believe anything is "meant to be" or "on course" or that eventually everyone gets what they need/deserve.

I think I officially have to give up on even a friendship, maybe even a professional relationship with N. He's relegated our interactions to texting and if I happen to show up at a show of his. He's ignoring his promised writing deadlines. I'm so sad that ultimately what I'll get is...literally nothing. And even if he says that things aren't going well with the gf, if he breaks up with her he'll be with someone else immediately (who isn't me), or he'll stay in that bad relationship. A young guy I know recently posted something (forwards, not his words) about how guys can have someone tonight, break up with her, and have someone else by tomorrow, but women will remain single. FUCK FUCK FUCK. Why is that? If I can't have any professional or financial success, do I really have to be alone too? And if we get what we deserve, how can I feel anything other than contempt for myself given all that?

Last night I watched "Conan O'Brien Can't Stop", the doc about the tour he did between being fired from the Tonight Show and starting his current show. During the tour, he turned the age I'm just about to turn. He alternately looked cute and very old. He is clearly a perfectionist who wants to make sure that everyone around him works to his level, but also wants to be liked. There's a conflict there. But he was able to pull out performance upon performance, even when the "performance" was a pre or post-show meet and greet that had been sprung on him and that he didn't want to do. And it was fascinating to watch him do the m&gs. All those people who had been waiting for and possibly paid a lot for a moment with him, and he wanted to be as gracious as possible, but then to get out. I'm interested in their opposing roles, and what each wants to get out of the interaction. And what it must be like to have people clamoring for you all the time. I imagine it must be on some level exhausting, but it must also be exhilarating. To be loved and admired that way.

Went to my friend P's yesterday and her sister and BIL were there. I know both of them because we all did theater together. We didn't go to the same schools, but met because of the theater stuff. So I've known them since I was 15, and we were together all the time. It was cool that they have some of the same shared experiences that I thought were mine alone (that "Tainted Love" always reminds me/us of being at Carla's - a friend of ours - cousin's pool, and the cousin was dancing around maniacally). Their kids (4) are all great, as expected. P's oldest son and one of her sister's sons (the oldest, I think) were making cherry soda from a recipe book that the former had gotten for Christmas. He loves to cook, and P's husband is the one who does the bulk of the cooking, so that's always been his reality. I love boys that are learning to cook. The cutest.

log rollin'

I went to take out my trash today and slipped on some of the many tiny pine cones on the stairs that had been blown off the trees by the winds. It was like some kind of Lilliputian log roll, with me rolling off the porch. I had my slippers on and both of them came off, right in time for the new neighbor to see the whole thing. Luckily, I don't think it looked too bad but he came to see if I was ok. Cute guy. Told me he'd fallen on his own stairs recently and just looked around hoping noone had seen. No such luck for me. My back is black and blue and my neck and right foot (heel spur) hurts. The true test is how it will feel in the morning. Oy. I did manage to get stuff done, including making chocolate chip cookie sandwiches (w/buttercream!) to take to Pam et al tomorrow.

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Facebook: "happy birthday!", I say to yet another person who won't say the same thing come my birthday, which is coming up too soon. I kinda hate Facebook for that reason.

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I gotta get to sleep. 

after all that...

He didn't do it. He said the left ear is already clear, and the right ear has bubbles in (the fluid), which means it's clearing up on its own, finally. That's something I've noticed in the past few days (that it's crackling around in there again, which it had started to do when I got sick for the second time before getting well). He says it will be clear in the next few days. I kinda doubt that, but I hope it's soon. In any case, I walked in there like I was walking to my doom (I'm not sure I can easily describe what the seizures are like, but they're something I want to avoid AT ALL COSTS) and walked out having had nothing done other than my ears looked at. Wee!

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I wish there were a way to hide junk posts that people put up on Facebook. The stupid memes, the quotes of questionable origin, the forwarded stories that are probably hoaxes. They annoy the shit out of me. I have a friend who's recently taken to posting them by the dozen. Her posts will take up my whole newsfeed. You're essentially spamming your own friends when you do that. I can hide the advertisements, but those can't really be hidden unless you hide everything that person posts. But that's the egalitarianism of social media. Some people vomit it all out without thought or curating. Blech.

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Continuing on my Nexflix movie marathon, I watched "You Can Count On Me", which I remember loving when it came out (2000) and had been meaning to buy ever since. Glad I didn't, as on second watching, I didn't like it nearly as much. It sort of fell apart for me. Both Laura Linney and Mark Ruffalo were kind of annoying, and you really realize how Matthew Broderick has aged in the past 13 years. He was so cute in this. Now he's old-lookin'. Sigh.

 

I also watched "Melancholia" which was more of a tone poem than a story. Beautifully filmed and big (in concept), it's the kind of film that makes your own life feel like a movie in its minutiae. 

it's the day

Ok, I'm officially very very nervous. Today is the day for the ear procedure, and it's not so much that I'm worried about the procedure itself but, as usual, my ability to stay conscious for it. There's only so much forcing my body to obey that I can do, and I've done pretty well for the past several years such that I have been able to avoid seizures (and I'm proud of that; it's taken a LOT of work), but there've been some close calls and even the close calls are embarrassing. And I already have that horrible pit-of-my-stomach feeling. And, as usual, I have to go alone. I kept hoping for a last minute reprieve but it seems like the fluid's still there. It's hard for me to tell when I'm at home sometimes. Once I get into the shower, it'll become clear. Even clearer when he looks in there and sees all the fluid sloshing around that should not be there.

I feel nauseous.

I saw on Instagram a photo that some young woman I know posted of something about Benny Hinn, and how much she loves him. She's very religious. It made me so sad, because that guy is a standout among snake oil salesmen, and that's saying something. It only takes a bit of research to find out all the sleazy and illegal things this guy's done in the name of religion. And she bought it (perhaps literally). How do people get duped this way? It makes me mad, and sad. I used to watch the PTL Club before high school, and was fascinated by it. How could people not see though these obviously underhanded hucksters? But they did, to the tune of millions. I guess there are a lot of people who really need to feel like they're going to be taken care of such that they'll put aside all reason. It's dismaying.

Also, I once saw Tammy Faye Bakker at a mall in Cleveland and we dared each other to ask for her autograph. She was gracious.

Ug, shower time...

post shower: yeah, it's still there. dammit. 

movie marathon

I'm hoping for a Christmas miracle wherein I stop coughing and don't have to employ the inhaler I picked up a few days ago but haven't used, and that my ears will clear up before Thurs so I don't have to have my eardrums incised. I tried using an inhaler once before and every time I tried it, I gagged and almost threw up because damn, it tasted so disgusting. I've told people this and they say, "but you're not supposed to TASTE it", and I can't figure out how a fine mist that you're spraying INTO YOUR MOUTH is something you can avoid tasting. And damn it's disgusting. And it didn't help. Or I wasn't doing it right. Or something. But I think I may have to try it again today. I hope every coughing jag will be the last but then...no. Damn.

It was a very strange/surreal night. I signed up for Netflix streaming (trying to figure out if I can dump Comcast, but not sure how to get internet without it) and watched 3 movies in a row (that I'd wanted to see):

- Marwencol
- The Queen of Versailles
- Sleepwalk With Me

All brilliant, all strong arguments for never ever just going to see "a movie". The same people who say "life's too short" are willing to go see...whatever's out there, when our time and resources are limited, and why not see something that will change you, enrich you, educate you, somehow? I guess that's subjective. In any case, these three movies, very different from each other, are all very very worth seeing. Especially Marwencol. To see how this guy, let down by the health care system after a catastrophic attack and unable to afford therapy, created his own therapy in the form of very unique, brutal and beautiful art. You need to see it.

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Hey, I just had a thought: Hallmark and Lifetime Channels are the places where older women "stars" (your Barbara Edens, your Naomi Judds) who've had too much plastic surgery can get work when their creepy surgeries (and negligible talent) have made them ineligible for movie work

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So while watching these movies till 3am, and talking to P (still am) and thinking about N and why he told me what he told me and why he does what he does, and coughing...then when I slept I dreamt that I was at the beach with Dave, Nathalie and Varona, and V was a little bigger than she is now, and talking, and she came out of the water and ran up to me and I asked her if she was having fun and she said yes. Then I was making the mac and cheese I plan to make today and there wasn't very much (for all of us) and I realized that I hadn't yet put in the macaroni!

making a list...

I'm searching for signs that I'm getting better, that things are following the natural progression that these things usually follow for a healthy person, but damn if they're not. C'mon, z-pack, do SOMETHING. Cough is hanging on just as it's been, congestion isn't decreasing and ears aren't clearing up. It's insane. Fuck fuck fuck this. If you're tired of hearing about it, imagine what it's like living it. I can't even have a normal conversation, especially anywhere there's ambient noise. I'm just so out of it.

I thought I'd write a list of things I like and don't like about Christmas. Because noone cares, of course. Different things than the normal "I hate all the consumerism", which still holds true.

- I love Christmas lights. Colored, white, I don't care. They're pretty. It's a weird tradition when you think about it, but it's sweet.

- I don't like all the trees that get tossed right after the holiday. I know they're grown for that and replenished, etc, but it still seems incredibly sad to destroy all those living trees. The irony: I like fake trees even less.

- I love that come Weds, there will be NO MORE CHRISTMAS MUSIC, CHRISTMAS ADS, etc! The green and red goes away. Oh wait...after Christmas sales ads. *sigh*

- I do not like Jewish people who "just have a tree". Yeah, you're not cute. 

- I love that there will be no more 24 hours a day of terrible sappy Christmas TV movies with pizzicato string soundtracks on channels like Lifetime and Hallmark, because those are some of the few channels I have, and I...just can't. They're so awful. Even worse than their usual terrible fare.

- I love that eventually sometime after Tues, I'll be able to go to a store again without the slavering desperate crowds. Some my bras imploded recently and need to be replaced.

- I have never seen "A Christmas Story" and I have no interest in it, and yet I feel like I have to hear about it ALL. THE. TIME. The leg lamp, the "fra-gee-lay", why do I know these things about a movie I've never seen? It really seems like one of those movies that people have elevated to "classic" status but it probably actually sucks. 

See? I like (some) things.

I might go to see "Silver Linings Playbook", because everyone says it's great, but the trailer sure does make it look like a typical Hollywood love story with some drug names thrown in ("look! we addressed mental illness! we said Klonopin!") and I would be piiiiiissed if that were the case.

disconnected thoughts, and some things left out

Bah ha, when people in their 20s say "(x) years young!", like "25 years young" - silly because 25 IS YOUNG.
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Watching "Amish Mafia" - do not understand what's going on. Driving luxury cars? Flat screen TVs? Digital cameras? Some quick research shows that it's pretty much fiction. Here's where reality shows really piss me off. They're getting less and less real (and they never were very real) such that they're making things up out of whole cloth now, but still calling it "reality".

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Went to the grocery store. It was about as bad as I expected. Guy standing in the middle of a crowded aisle with a cart, talking on his phone, completely stopping all traffic. That kinda thing. By the time I left, I was dizzy and hyperventilating. Not because it was such a harrowing experience, but because that's how weak/sick I am. Ridiculous.

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Lobster trap tree. Pretty cool. huh? I wish I'd gotten a better shot.

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Had another thought re: guns. I was listening to a radio talk show host and he said that he carries (legally) a gun every day.  This is the cultural shift I think needs to change (but don't see it happening). This is the fetishizing part. He carries a gun with him EVERY DAY, even though he'll likely never need or use it in his life, if he's lucky. But he carries it "just in case" or "for protection". That's just as necessary as carrying, say, a frying pan around with you in case there's a cooking emergency. You're about as likely to need a frying pan, might even need the pan more. But noone carries around a frying pan because they know IT'S NOT NECESSARY. More importantly, it's not sexy. In fact, a 2009 study showed that people who carry are actually 4.5 times more likely to get shot than those who don't. But when you fetishize an object, and it makes you feel more powerful or falsely protected, or that you have a delicious secret, or that you know you could (but you won't) take anyone around you out at any time, THAT is a fetish. Might make you feel better/empowered if you're out and someone pisses you off and in your mind you can go, "just push me, fucker, and see what happens!" Just like a movie! It's a mind game, and one that lots of people love. And don't want (that love) threatened, so they couch it in terms of "freedom" and "rights". I will never carry a gun, because I'm just that blithe and risky. On the off chance that someone wants to shoot me, they can go ahead. In other words, I'm pretty confident that won't happen. Just like I take the risk to drive a car and fly in a plane. You have a 1 in 228 chance of being in a car accident, but a 1 in 4888 chance in being shot. And I don't care to live in the ramped up fear-world that gun lovers live in, where they breathlessly compare gauges and clips and sizes.

like a 2 pack a day smoker

I made this little recording last night.

Kinda creepy, huh? I sent that to my ENT, who responded "call me" and said I needed to go back on antibiotics and an inhaler (ewwww), and my mother called to say that I'm wheezing and...the same thing the ENT said. So at least I know I'm not overreacting. And dammit, I want to HEAR AGAIN!!

Did laundry, tried to go to grocery store but it was packed. I will go later. I'm going to Pam's later in the week and have decided to join the cookie-a-thon and make cookie sandwiches with buttercream frosting! Posted a Deke blog that immediately got lots of attention. As they say in "Broadcast News": "I say it here; it comes out there". It's weird and somewhat frustrating to be the catalyst for things that get lots of attention, and yet noone knows it.

And in that vein, my logo has still gotten no response.

compliments to all, and to me, a heapa silence

So today's been a bust. In addition to STILL BEING SICK and coughing so hard I'm in pain, I:

- created a logo for our newest festival, because they put up an atrocity of a placeholder logo that really should not have ever gone up. to wit:

and mine:

Do you see the difference or am I just insane? So far they've ignored me.

-I wrote some info about a major personnel shift in the org, and sent it to the pertinent people. No response.

-I Pshopped some images. That I can do.

-The friends who said they'd go to a concert with me tonight backed out last minute.

Again I say, what must it be like to do something and have people admire and compliment you for it? I can't even imagine. I just get ignored. 

I'm still talking to P a lot but he's just playing with me and frankly I'm not interested. It's weird to see him on a national talk show and a few hours later get an email from him asking why I'm not there (in NYC). BUT, on said talk show (Wendy Williams) he was on a panel talking about the shootings and he was the one advocating for not trying to make all people who struggle with mental issues out to be killers or potential killers. So glad he spoke up on that. His other main point was, "let's stop scaring our children". A-fucking-MEN. This is an anomaly. Let's not go out and buy our kids bulletproof backpacks and send armed teachers and cops into every school because it's simply not necessary.

So I sit, trying to decide what I want for dinner. Pretty exciting.

round II

Last night I started to get (another) sore throat and by this morning, yep, I'm back to the beginning. Sore throat, blowing my nose, sneezing...and still not being able to hear. The ground I gained I've lost. I emailed the ENT but haven't heard back. I think I'm ready to go do the fluid draining horribleness, because I'm sick and frustrated with being sick. Not being able to hear for almost a month...it's a bit more than I can take. I keep worrying about long term damage though the neurologist said there won't be any. You know how when you get sick it's sort of ok because you know it'll only last a few days or a week? Yeah, but not a MONTH. Or more. This is why I try so hard not to get sick. But it never lasts THIS long. Throat lozenges don't seem to help with the sore throat, and the "severe cold" stuff I'm taking does nothing. I wish there were hot tea flavored lozenges, and I wish they worked.

Today I did manage to get the bulk of my sister's DVD redesign done, some business cards, and other stuff.

Melissa was talking about how she was sick recently and she could ask her husband to go out and get her things she wanted. What I wouldn't give for a DAY of having someone take care of me. When I was in OH, my stepmother made me a cup of tea and it was like a revelation, because noone takes care of me, noone does those kinds of things for me. It's me or noone. So it was so nice. I guess that was my day. Like now, I need to go to the store and I feel like shit, but if I don't go, it won't happen.

Saw that P was gonna be on Wendy Williams' talk show in the next day or so (or maybe tomorrow). My conversations w/him of late have been...interesting, so it's funny to see him pop up on TV in the midst of it. But he does have that new book out. And N suggested we get together last week, then promptly disappeared. I don't know when I'll feel about him the way I feel about C now, which is very "meh". But it's not yet. Definitely not yet.

through the ceiling

Had a dream that I was in some building and needed to get out via a hole in the ceiling. It wasn't an emergency, but I needed to get out that way. The room was crowded. And it turned out that the hole had been used before, by a lot of people. But when I tried to get out, it turned out that I was too fat to fit through the hole, though noone else had that issue. In other words: I was the fattest person in a very crowded room. This seems like a reasonable thing to me. Somehow I got out, and had to ask people to hand me my things through, which they did reluctantly.

Wow, this has got to change. I like clothes and would like to wear things and feel good in them. I would like to think that I can attract someone, but at this weight, the reality is that I can't. That makes me mad, both at men and myself.

I also dreamt that I was at a table with a bunch of people I knew, and N. I was trying to converse with him but he was intent on telling a story to (a mutual friend), and really wanted nothing to do with me. I stormed off.

Fat, and rejected. That about sums it up.

what I can't say elsewhere

Sigh, another ear update: I think it's getting a little better. It keeps getting a little better, then worse, then better, so it's hard to tell. You know how when you're around a certain smell, after a while you don't smell that smell anymore? Sort of like that. I've almost gotten used to the constant shifts and diminished capacity. But I think it's getting better.

Onto the Newtown, CT tragedy. I haven't said anything in any "public" forum (this is public, but not many people read this) because it's such a complex and emotional issue, that it just doesn't seem appropriate to debate it via social media, mostly because many people aren't up to productive and civilized discussion. Seems disrespectful, somehow. Maybe this is no better. I'm a pacifist. I'm very anti-gun, and anti-war. I think way more people fetishize war and guns and that culture than would ever admit it, or even know they're doing so. It's so pervasive that it's perfectly acceptable to obsess about wars and guns and all their gory details. My heart breaks for all the parents and families that lost someone (no, let's say what it actually was: they had someone ripped from their lives) and had to face today after yesterday's event. And had to wake (if they even slept) realizing that it wasn't a nightmare, but their present. There are so many ways in which to imagine those families now, and all of them are heartbreaking. All because of one very disturbed individual.

Personally, I'd love to ban guns for any use other than legal hunting. But that's because I believe that if you think you need to "protect" yourself at all times via deadly weapons, you'd best either 1.) MOVE SOMEWHERE SAFER and/or 2.) deal with your paranoia/gun fetishizing. But I don't know all the stats and facts, and I'm not sure if gun control is the answer here. It seems more like a shift in our CULTURE is what's needed, but I don't see how that can happen. So many people are paranoid or righteously angry, and their response to those emotions is...arm yourself, apparently.

One of the arguments pro-gun people always drag out is that if more people were armed, these things wouldn't happen, and yet, as far as I can tell, this simply does not bear out in the real world (as opposed to the GI Joe World where many of them live). Noone in an instance like this horrific situation has ever been 1.) armed and 2.) trained well enough to take the bad guy down. And #1 doesn't matter without #2. Why is that? Because the only people who would be capable of doing such a thing would be people who'd gone through months if not years of training to learn how to respond to emergencies, how to suppress their fight-or-flight response (biofeedback), and to react swiftly and appropriately. You also have to be prepared to die. And prepared to kill others who might be in the line of fire. You might have to take an innocent life to save others. You must be able to override your monkey brain, survivalist reactions and ACT. Those abilities don't get handed to you with the mere purchase of your gun/arsenal. Even training how to use a gun will not teach you to handle yourself in such a situation, no matter how badass you think you are. You have to have a hell of a lot of training and you need to be of the right temperament. Jesus, with all the people out there who are fucking terrified of heights and spiders and airplanes and balloons and other benign things like that...do you really think they're going to be able to act swiftly and efficiently when surprised by a homicidal gunman? So, the same people who normally shit themselves when faced with a mouse or some turbulence or an elevator are going to instantly turn into nerves-of-steel sharpshooters when facing down the barrel of a madman's gun? I don't think so. It just doesn't add up. It's much more likely they'd run, pass out, or freeze, thus rendering their bravado, and their gun, useless. And that is why the "everyone should be armed" stance is bullshit. In the real world, it does not work.

The other thing that needs to be addressed is how we treat and don't treat mental illness in this country. It's not the domain of privileged people. Only someone who is severely unhinged would do something like this, but I don't think it's often (or ever) a spur of the moment decision, which means that there were opportunities earlier to prevent this via good mental health care, but because people don't seek it out, and friends and family will often ignore red flags, coupled with the accessibility of weapons = situations like this. I also fear that rather than bringing to light the importance of mental health care, that this will just confirm for some people that mental illness = homicidal maniac. That everyone who deals with mental illness is a tick away from committing a horrible crime like this. And that fosters more fear and moves us away from the goal of getting more people help. The fact is that mentally ill people are much more likely to harm themselves than anyone else. Lots of people struggle with mental illness; only a handful will have the kind of psychotic break with reality that would allow them to carry out such heinous crimes. Because that's what it requires. I'm no therapist, but I'm pretty sure that you have to have a (literal) psychotic break to do something like this. Otherwise, we're regulated by our own internal morality (and not a deity, as some like to believe).

So...there. No answers. Just sadness. My heart breaks along with so many others who can only watch helplessly. I only know that I will never arm myself. If I ever feel the need to do that, something is very very wrong.

heh?

Ear update: still can't hear. 3 weeks. Lots of crackling, but still nothing. One more day of prednisone.  I want to punch someone (and not because of the prednisone).

Ticket update: got a letter today saying they'd "accepted" my plea of guilty and that I need to pay them $210. They will also get a list of other things that I could have used that money for rather than it going to their extortion fee.

I saw a comment somewhere where someone referred to cats as "the animal embodiment of loneliness". Wow, we're really pushing that definition, aren't we? People really love tagging (esp women) with the crazy cat ____ label. It's so hurtful, and it it infuriates me. Maybe some people do, but noone I know got cats to assuage their loneliness. And most people I know who have cats ARE NOT SINGLE, mostly because most people I know ARE NOT SINGLE. We always had animals around growing up, and almost always cats. I like cats. They are cool. I'll say for the millionth time: they're not my children, or my loneliness shield, or my boyfriend stand-in, and there will never be more than two. And I'm not their servant. And yet lots of people would quickly label me as crazy cat lady. Fuck them, and fuck that.

Now back to being deaf and other delightful things.

here's what I'm working with

guilty or not

I forgot to mention that I sent in the paperwork for my speeding ticket. And the ticket was in NY, not PA as I previously stated. Newburgh, NY, to be exact, and Chris tells me that area is notorious for speeding tickets. When I went to my insurance company to ask them about the possible increase, they said, "were you on a highway? what highway is 55mph?". Ones that are speed traps, I said. It's infuriating. I originally said "not guilty" but then changed it to guilty with some comments. I did some online research but couldn't find any definitive info on how best to proceed. I have no idea how much the ticket will be, but I'm bracing for somewhere in the $300 range. FURIOUS. 

I'm reading Penn's new book, which is of course delightful. Somehow he can be hilarious, touching and profound almost within a sentence. People who haven't read his stuff probably think it's angry anti-religion ranting, but it's nothing of the sort. Again I couldn't sleep last night so I was reading and watching related YouTube videos at 3am, and there's an interview with Piers Morgan (where Piers proves that he can't have a productive conversation with an atheist, because he's too busy being offended by the mere concept that someone would not consider his god real; Penn is unerringly polite) and Penn tells a long story about his wife getting stopped for speeding, but getting let go because their daughter was in the car. I NEVER get let off. I haven't gotten a ticket in years, but I've been stopped many times in the years I've been driving, and I've been let off all of once. That was in April, when I made a very illegal uturn in Cambridge on my way to a formal event. I think the only reason the guy let us go is because we were dressed formally. Otherwise, they go straight to the ticket for me. And I'm not rude or confrontational, but maybe I'm not chirpy/flirty/cutesy enough? I don't know.

That kind of unfettered ability to charge people (and continue to charge them) using a ruse of "safety" is maddening. Feels very police state. Which it is, I guess. So whether you plead guilty or not guilty, you're still guilty in their eyes, and you're still paying, which is all that really matters.

hearing update and horses

So now I've gotten to experience what it's like to be visually (more) impaired and hearing impaired. Not that I needed any sensitivity on those fronts, but yeah...neither is enjoyable. At least with the ear stuff, I'm still mostly functional, can drive, etc. When I'm at home, I can't hear things like the tea kettle or the doorbell. But when out and about, I can't hear people talking to me, I'm the one who doesn't hear the cashier calling me to the register, and when I was having lunch with Scott yesterday, we ended up moving because there were a bunch of people looking for a place to sit together, and Scott realized that if we moved to a nearby table for two, they could all sit together. He said, "I'm sure if you could have heard what was going on, you would have suggested the same thing". True, and also true I didn't hear any of it. It's maddening. And embarrassing. And isolating.

Day two of the steroids and still not noticing much, if any, difference, but it hasn't yet been 24 hours, so...trying to be patient (failing). There's a lot of crackling going on in there, but that's been happening the whole time, with no relief or change.

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My Tosti pieces photos have been getting a lot of views lately. I wonder what that's about. I'd still like to sell them but Sotheby's decided they might have been written by a copyist, an assistant of Tosti's (though they also might have been done by Tosti) so they wouldn't auction them. But I wish someone would. So they remain, packed away in their acid-free paper.

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A friend of mine just said that she used to get stickers when was little but didn't stick them anywhere because she wanted to keep them. She thought this was strange. But I actually HAVE stickers I had as a kid that I never used. In my defense, though, they're pretty cool.

horses!

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The stomping/jumping/skipping/dragging furniture continues upstairs. All day, every day. I am baffled. 

3 cute guys

Well after a night of no sleep, I:

- saw my cute and nice neurologist
- saw my cute and nice ENT-pal, who squeezed me in and gave me 3 options for this ear issue (after looking at my ears and seeing lots of "amber colored" fluid in both):
1. do nothing
2. steroids for 5 days
3. small incision in eardrums to drain fluid (immediate relief)

I took option 2, so hopefully that will speed things up. He once before prescribed 5 days of steroids and it did work (for allergies) but made me (very) sick to my stomach.

- had lunch w/cute friend Scott
- got Penn's new book
- got mentioned in an FB by my friend who is also the sister of my favorite comedian

All in all, pretty good.

bawk

Woke up this morning still not being able to hear (esp the right ear, which seems to gain a little bit of traction during the day, and then back to completely fucked by the morning), and looking like I'd aged years just overnight. Looking ragged and like a chicken. Like, an ugly chicken, and chickens are ugly to begin with. I wonder if I can regain any attractiveness or if it's just a slow slide into (more) mirror-avoiding now? I wonder about anti-inflammatory diets, veganism, extreme approaches I don't think I could do unless forced to. Or maybe vanity will propel me to do so. Because I'd like to not be appalled when I look in the mirror.

Then looked at FB and as usual it's just brag brag brag brag. Someone I know recently posted something about how her brother is her biggest fan and her competition, but they support each other all the time. Then brags about their accomplishments. Then she ends it with someone like, "...we're doing it brother!!" (which of course got lots of likes).

Omigod, shut up. Part of me wishes I had that gall, but then again, no. But I do wish I had things to trumpet. I just wouldn't trumpet them.

AndyLand

I've written before about my roommates John and Sue. Something reminded me that we had this landlord (Andy) who was an awkward guy with an uneven mustache. So of course he ended up in a lot of John cartoons. In the cartoons, he'd always see us and go, "hello, tenants!". That never really happened, but it's funny. John made some of these AndyLand Fun Paks, which included stickers and games and other fun stuff.

Looking through this stuff just reminded me how talented and funny he was. I miss the old John. I think I can say I never saw someone transform in such a dramatic way. He went from being sweet and gentle and fun to mean. I don't know how much of that was how he perceived me to be, or his drinking, or some other issue. But I do miss him.

Apparently a lot of men were calling me around that time and there's a cartoon about how he's jealous and he's going to start a 1-900 number for me. Ah, those were the days. I didn't even know it.

stripey TV

How come everyone else but me has a nice, new big flat screen TV? Oh yeah, because I never have $500 or so dollars sitting around that don't need to go to some bill. So I've got this old, free tube TV that's on its last legs. I gotta admit - it's embarrassing. It's a very concrete example of how I can't have basic things I'd like to have. Flat screen TVs seem to be something everyone has now, like having a washer/dryer. Ohhhh, I don't have those either. Look at that.

you thought I was kidding?

In other news, I still can't hear. Right ear is worse but they're both bad. Going out amplifies (no pun intended) how bad it is. My balance is off, it's very disorienting, especially for someone who is used to hearing everything. I still feel feverish and tired and the cough is relentless. I finish the antibiotics tomorrow and on Mon, if I still can't hear, I'll contact my ENT again.

Here's a cool mistake shot I took today:

Thursday musings

Had a dream I was at a huge department store with various family members, and there was no logic to it so I couldn't really find what I wanted, and when I did I couldn't find my size. At one point I ended up in the bridal room which was a long room filled with brides, employees and big pouffy white dresses. I just essentially ran the length of it, crying. Not because I wanted or want a big pouffy white dress but because I want the wedding, the partner.
 
---------------------

Gawd, I want my hearing back. My ears keep threatening to clear up and then...no. It's like I have earplugs in. I have all volumes cranked up because otherwise I can't hear it. This is the opposite of how things usually are.

---------------------

You know, I've noticed that, with regards performing, people are saying things to me like, "well, if you think it's what you need to do, you should do it..." which to me translates as, "you know you suck and you're beating a dead horse, but if you feel like you HAVE TO..." 

---------------------

It must be so nice to be constantly bombarded with compliments about how talented you are and how hot you are, as many of the people I know are. They can be or consider themselves to be insecure, but how could they deny that those compliments don't matter? I get no such thing/s. So all my insecurities are supported. 

mad

Am I the only one who:

- could not care less about "Les Miserables"?
- could not care less about The Hobbit, or whatever it is movie that's coming out? I can't even stand to see/hear that creepy hairless little...thing, let alone do I want to see the actual movies
- thinks that all forms of Chex Mix sound utterly disgusting? chocolate drizzled on cereal and pretzels and peanuts and shit? what fresh hell is that?

Miserable phone call w/A. He thinks I'm just not taking action because I don't want to, and refuses to hear/see all the obstacles that weren't there before, and aren't there for him. He just sees me as miserable and therefore it makes sense that I'm alone, despite the fact that I know lots of miserable people who are coupled up. And I think he thinks I made the whole thing with N up. Maybe I'm just unhinged. Maybe I've made everything the fuck up. I saw my eye doctor yesterday for my annual appt (yay for eyes not getting worse!) and told him how my stepsister just said to me that she didn't care if I really lost my sight or not, but what mattered is that I THOUGHT I did (eg she thinks I made it up). He said if his brother said such a thing to him he'd "kick him in the nuts". FUCK YEAH. He mentioned again how my vision at that time was CORRECTABLE. In other words, I could sit in front of that lens thing they use to determine your prescription and he could increase it until I was 20/20. So it wasn't my regular bad vision - it was greatly deteriorated, but it was CORRECTABLE. If I'd been making it up, there wouldn't have been a lens that corrected my vision. And then of course it went back eventually to its regular level, but it took a few weeks. He even said that at first the ophthalmologist I first saw recently asked him how I was, because he at first was worried.

Nothing like people insinuating you're crazy to make you feel even better about yourself! Now don't forget to love yourself!

Maria Maria Maria

Last night had a dream that I saw N and said to him, "you choose your band members based first on appearance, don't you?" and he admitted that he did (this is not actually the case). And I was so mad because I hadn't been considered. And I said, "we're done then" and started walking away, but didn't want to walk away. He lived in a house with various bandmates (some women) and it was a cluttered mess with everyone's stuff. I was leaving that house and someone stopped me and accused me of littering and leaving pencils (?) outside all the time and I said that I was never there and that I also never litter. Then I was at a garage where JS was a mechanic (?) and we ended up playfully rolling on the floor (garage - ew). I think when we recorded a few months ago I remembered how sexy he is.

Last night I watched Maria Bamford's online special for the second time. Taking a cue from Louis CK, she released this online only for $4.99. And it's performed for an audience of two: her parents, who often appear in her act (as in, she imitates them), along with her sister, with whom I sang in college. It's so brilliant and becomes even moreso when you see it a second time, as every nuance, every word is weighted, and she deals with topics that are difficult and rarely talked about (mental illness, depression, feeling alone). She does a whole section on how people refuse to respond to others' mental illness the way they do other illnesses, always insinuating (or outright saying) that one should just GET THE FUCK OVER IT because everyone's depressed, ya know? Fact is, depression and sadness/struggle are very different things. But we still refuse to see it that way. I love her for doing one bit about the oft-repeated statement that any unmarried woman over 40 by default has something wrong with her.

People don't talk about mental illnesses like they do about other illnesses. [whispering] "Apparently Steve has cancer. it's like FUCK OFF we all have cancer, right? I have cancer pretty bad right now but I get chemotherapy, I get it taken care of, I GET BACK TO WORK"
 
Yeah, I was dating this chick all this time she let me know she's been wearing contact lenses. I said, "woah, do what you need to do but I don't believe in all that western medicine shit. If you want to see like other people it's all about attitude. You gotta want it"

Also:

I do have a gift, though, for seeming awkward

I hope noone here is deeply religious. If you are, just rest in the GLORY THAT I AM WRONG.
I'm trying to be more spiritual...I mean, more self-righteous. I get those confused

I believe it's all a cognitive behavioral distortion that helps compartmentalize chaos.
 

blocked

Day 10 and I can barely hear. My ENT says that the infection is causing a blockage in the eustachian tubes, and the only thing that can help now is the antibiotic and time. If they don't unblock, it'll be steroids and puncturing the eardrums to drain fluid, something that V just had done for the same reason. He said it didn't hurt but was very weird. I wonder if I'm yelling when I'm talking to people because I can't hear anything. And because I can't hear, Rocco has turned into ninja cat. One minute he's not there; the next he is. And I never heard him arrive.

ninja-roc

I had to go back through some texts and emails of N's (actually nothing having to do with him - an interesting story in and of itself) and it was months of me trying to set up times to see him, and him telling me how busy he is/was, interspersed with actual conversation and extracurriculars. Yesterday online I watched an episode of MTV's "Catfish". I've never seen the documentary, though I'd like to. So this ep was about this guy and girl, both 20s, who'd been communicating for 10 years without meeting in person. She wanted to; he wouldn't. Kept saying they would "some day". For TEN YEARS. The show set up an in-person meeting finally and it turned out one of the reasons he didn't want to meet in person was because he was very heavy. So was she, but not like him. He was losing weight, though. Both seemed like nice people, but that perennial putting-off of meeting hit close to home. I just don't understand how you can willingly and willfully become close to someone, and continue to push them away. And not that I yet feel any better about the situation with N, but now I feel worse about it. It just makes me so sad. I'm so tired of the outcome of every situation I'm in being "just let the pain fade away/you get nothing". I want to say something. I say nothing. I hear nothing.

more sickbed bits

aaand a few more thoughts:

I continue to be baffled by people who have big dogs and cannot seem to figure out that 1.) their dogs will hoover up any food left within range and 2.) what that range is and 3.) how to put it the hell away. My parents left the dogs out for a few hours alone and they hoovered up much of a chocolate cake. Now, if you have the same dogs, at the same size and intelligence, in the same home, for YEARS, you'd think reasonably intelligent people would figure out ways to prevent that, and yet...no. I truly don't get it. I mean, you could get one of those...whatever it is campers put their food in so that bears can't get at it, and put all non-refrigerated food in it. Why has noone made such a thing for dogs? The only thing I can think is that dog owners think this is cute, so they don't mind all that much.

When did my family all become pot smokers? Everyone was smoking it up over Thanksgiving, even my stepsister (who said it had been a while) and my sister wanted to but not while her kids were around. They asked me if I wanted some. Ha - it's like saying, "uh, I know you're a vegetarian, but want some of my prime rib?" I mean, just like vegetarians, it's not like I can't, I just have no interest in it. And it does disappoint me (when I find out people I know do it). N got this. The thing people get wrong, though, is that I don't do it, or don't approve because of some "moral" issue. It's not that - I'm very live and let live, and I think it should be legalized. But I don't think the overall net effect is positive. And it just seems like a sheep-like thing to do. I dunno. It must be fucking AMAZING since so many people do it. I just...it's not something I want to be part of.

And I'm still sick. I've coughed myself awake the past several nights. This is day 9. Both ears are still clogged. It sounds like I've got two giant shells taped to my ears and all I'm hearing is the "ocean". Whoooosh.

more zzzz time

Aaand I still feel like crap. I got the antibiotics. Getting things done, slowly.

A few more thoughts:

- my brother in law said that he recently saw Justin Bieber, who now lives in his town, trying to pull into the lot where his daughter/my niece works at the Coffee Bean (oh Coffee Bean, why are you not here??). The lot is rather cramped in Calabasas terms, and he was in a huge green SUV, looking apparently like a 9 year old, with a passenger who also looked like a 9 year old, and they were going out of the in, trying to drive this giant SUV into a small lot. I guess BIL was just amused watching this. Said that normally he wouldn't have noticed, because most celebs have tinted windows, but his windows were down or something.

- apparently Uggs are still a Thing, as the niece I just mentioned was saying she wants new ones. I never warmed (no pun intended) to them, never even buying the concept of them as "cute", and I thought their time had passed. I think it's a high school thing. Maybe not so much in college.

- I met my mother and stepfather at a place between where we both were, an inn I've passed many times but have never gone to. It was nice. Apparently that area has more recently become very Amish-y, whereas I don't remember it being that way before, and there were horses and buggies everywhere and Amish stores, etc. I realize that this is something that a lot of people never see at all, and I'm always grateful that I've been able to live in an area where the Amish are around.

oh...so...tired...

I keep meaning to write something, but since Friday I've been sick, sick, sick. Now I've been sick twice in the past two months, and I never get sick. But this has flattened me. I saw a doctor today who said she thought it started out viral but now it's bacterial (bronchitis). Or...was it the other way around? I can never remember. I have to go pick up some antibiotics; that I do know.

You know what's really fun? Driving 11+ hours by yourself when your eyes are blurring over with crap, your throat is searing sore, both ears are plugged, you're coughing up god knows what, and you generally feel like crap. Wee! I was sick most of the trip and the drive home, and still am, 3 days later.

Thanksgiving was fairly good, even with all the moving parts and the potential tinderboxes. Ug, I really don't even have the energy to write. I'm going to get my drugs and then...back to sleep.

very brief Thanksgiving report (so far)

Well, I'm sick *again*. What the hell?? I feel like ass. But so far, no drama. Good conversations.

you win!

This was at my CVS. Would this make YOU want to get a flu shot?

 

Also, I'm in Ohio

And I got a ticket on the way here. Fuck fuck FUCK the PA highway patrol.

your hometown

some things that happened today:

- phone meeting about BOSS blogs and social media
- posted article and some social media for it (this is much more involved than it sounds)
- laundry done
- sort through clothes I'm getting rid of
- make hair appt for tomorrow
- shiny pants procured (!)
- horrified myself in dressing room mirror

I'm not sure I can fix that last one without surgery. I look terrible. I'm worried and appalled.

I'm also worried about Thanksgiving. I'm driving to OH, which will be expensive, and I'm scared about my father being a dick. He's so antagonistic now, and thinks *I'm* the angry one, so I just try to keep my distance. I'm sad that we'll never have a good relationship because he's chosen not to. To explain would take forever, and believe me, you wouldn't want to read it even if I could articulate it. I just hope there will be enough people there (and there should be) that will counteract him.  My general feeling of existential angst is super-charged there. This was on this week's SNL (one of the bright spots in one of the worst episodes I've ever seen, and generally I like the show a lot more than most people seem to) and it's oh-so-true...

OH THE FAX. THE FAX. Since my father is now angry at me for suggesting that the fax machine isn't the most relevant piece of equipment on the technology scene today, this is...I just want to say thank you, SNL.

Yeah, I think that's it for now.

marshmallow roof and preservation pencil

A few things before I do a bunch of organizing and cleaning and wrapping presents, etc.

I discovered these things called Plush Puffs. They are little roofs of marshmallow that you put atop your hot chocolate. I just tried one. It was delish. Coffee maker, I will bend you to my will by making non-coffee drinks!

The Peanuts book that I won for winning a cartoon contest that was judged my Charles Schulz at age 12, the one that got VERY damaged when water poured into my apartment from upstairs? I'd been talking to my textile conservator friend Camille about this for a long time and she recently got this thing called a preservation pencil. Her accountant told her to spend money, so this is one of the things she bought. It's an expensive little conservation tool that emits a fine mist that's very controlled and allows you to separate layers, work with oil paintings, remove glue, etc. And the pages of this book were hopelessly clumped together, almost into a solid square.

So she showed me how to use it and left me to it. It was very painstaking and took several hours, and I did get it all done (though I didn't think I would). It's not pretty though. Some of the pages still ripped as they got too wet and just tore. That may have been avoidable if I had lots more time (like, days or weeks) and could just do it very very very slowly. And the pages are still mold-stained, which Camille says could bloom again. But they're all separate now, and it's readable again. It was cool to learn to use this new tool. I could see getting pretty good at it if I did it more. Look at all the paper pulp on my fingers. She and her one other employee who was there yesterday were working on a WW1 coat, (packing) a friend's modern wedding dress, and a turn of the century silk kimono/robe while I was there. Those are just a few of the projects they're currently working on. Always cool to see what they're doing.

I was gonna talk about my response to listening to lots of country music while I was there (apparently, they have Country Music Fridays), but I really gotta get some of this stuff done...

oooops, missed your call

One of the (many) things I really miss about being in a relationship is that when you really need someone to talk to, there's noone there. You can call someone, but rarely does anyone answer the phone, and I'd probably be bothering them anyways. I personally am happy to talk to (people I care about) anytime they need me, but that doesn't seem to be the case for me. So I sink deeper...

tongue-tied

I need to shut the fuck up today. It's one of those days where I feel like everything I say is stupid or offends someone. Even moreso than usual.

Oh for one day when I could think I'm just THE SHIT. What does it feel like to be like that? That everyone wants to hear what you have to say? That people want to hang out with you? That you have Important Things to say? Sometimes I think I've matured and become thoughtful, and then I re-read email threads and wonder what the hell I was thinking. I try, I do. It doesn't matter.

Also, for one day when I'm not cleaning up cat vomit. That'd be nice too.

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There are always things that I'd like to wear, but because of my weight or age, I can't. I try to be somewhat age-appropriate, so some things are just not for me. But I do wish I could wear leather/shiny leggings. But it would not be pretty. Reason #4593 to lose it. 

words from the past

Wow, I got some news yesterday that deflated me more than I usually am, which is pretty deflated. Not sure what to do with it...

----------------

Years ago, someone in my band (when it was all women) kept coming to rehearsal high and eventually I told her that she couldn't do that, that she was welcome to do it on her own time, but not at rehearsals or gigs. That seems reasonable, right? She went ballistic, quite literally. She exploded, screaming and yelling that I could not tell her what to do, and how dare I even try. She threw something (I can't remember what). The violent response was really surprising. The rest of the group seemed more aligned with her, or at least they didn't come to my defense. I asked Penn his advice on this situation, and I recently came across what he said (I'm trying to do some cleaning and I found this on a piece of paper, a printed email):

"Yeah, well, start by saying that you want it legal. You want everything legal and you'll fight for their right to use it, but they also need to understand your desire not to be around it. It's a right that you have. You don't want to take away their rights. You want people to be able to go to the Grand Canyon and, although you've never been there, you just don't want to go, what's wrong with that? You think people do better art straight and you don't want to be around people that want to be stupider. If they think people do better art stoned, they should be around that and not you.

If they want to work with you, they need to do it straight - but, whatever they decide you're on their side against the government.

I could write more but I'm VERY busy, so please forgive the brevity."

And indeed this is great advice. I just voted to legalize medical marijuana in this state (it passed) even though I have not and will never use it.

The funny thing is...she was a weak musician and performer. I'm not sure why there was even a hesitation to keep her around. That's how things were then. I was being told I was a tyrant but I so wanted there to be harmony (no pun intended) in the group and to have everyone like me. Didn't work.

it's just Facebook

Yesterday I went back to R's house to do some more vocals. Just quick stuff on a few songs. This guy (whose album it is) has absolutely no sense of rhythm, though R has worked with him. It's actually pretty impressive how he defies the laws of rhythm. This becomes difficult when you're trying to sing along to someone who isn't coming in when you expect him to, or following any structure that one can depend on, like...most music follows. So it's funny.

I told R I'd been in Chicago teaching, and teaching social media. "oh, you mean how to use Facebook? even I know how to use Facebook!", he laughed. Do people really think that a social media campaign for a business really just consists of getting on Facebook and fucking around? It's sort of like saying I can play as well as he can because I can play the guitar. But people have no hesitation in insulting you about this stuff, or at least me. This is the thing I'm really struggling with. I just don't engender respect, so it's fine to laugh at me.

I asked him if he was looking for more recording clients or guitar students or gigs. Yes to all, he said. Yet he's doing absolutely NOTHING on social media (or elsewhere) to make that happen, the #1 way he should be marketing himself today. But oh yeah, it's just "using Facebook". I told him I'd set up and run a social media campaign for him and we could trade for lessons or something, so maybe he'll see there's more to it than wasting time checking out peoples' profiles. But here's the thing: if a bunch of college students and young people come and pay and take time on days they could otherwise be relaxing, and come to a social media workshop, and take notes and ask questions...maybe they're onto something, ya think?

glasses and a list

I think - think - I got the stain out of the boots.

I have a recommendation: my sister suggested this company for glasses, and she's ordered from them a few times. I never thought to order glasses online because it seems...like too many things could go wrong, but I checked the site out and found it very clean, well designed and easy to use. You can also upload a picture of yourself and "try on" the glasses quite accurately. And it cheap. WAY cheap. You just need your prescription. So I ordered 3 pair, and the total, with shipping, was... $30. I'm not kidding. And they have tons of really cool frames. They come with scratch resistance and they can do more complicated prescriptions (bifocals, sunglasses, etc) that I didn't get. They came yesterday and so far I give them a big thumbs-up. I love the frames, they all look just like they did on the online me, and they come packaged nicely, and arrived within a week.

For $30.

I think people think that they have to pay exorbitant prices for glasses, because that's what we've always done. But the frames aren't actually worth that much (often you're paying for a designer's name), and apparently creating the lenses isn't all that much either. The site is called Zenni Optical. I recommend them for my glasses-wearing friends. If you don't wear glasses, let me tell you: one pair at a doctor's office or a optical store can cost hundreds. And my insurance only covers (partially) glasses OR contacts (I wear both), and not even every year. So this is astounding and awesome.

Did some more recording with R, and again, sort of appalled at what my voice sounds like isolated. But when the parts are stacked, it's tolerable, I guess. Then I came home and finished up more Photoshop stuff I am doing.

------------------------

Things I'd like:

- to be really good at music theory
- to be able to sightread well
- to have a partner/relationship
- to be respected professionally
- to be successful professionally
- to be performing again or to stop caring that I'm not
- to be able to write songs that I don't hate
- to lose weight
- to have my car paid off, dammit
- to have enough money coming in that I'm not in a constant panic
- to not look in the mirror and be appalled
- to feel better about aging
- to have some sort of solution for my fucked up knees
- to find an exercise I like and can commit to
- new couch
- new bed
- a house of my own
- a TV
- new laptop
- new external hard drive
- new phone
- for A's mom to be in remission
- for the thing with my father/brother to be resolved
- to be one of the visionaries
- to be a better guitar player
- to be able to eat whatever I want with no repercussions (ok, this one is not possible)
- to know where I want to live

quick-post

You know what's fun? This conversation I had with a friend the other day:

Her: Well, what am I gonna do when people ask what I've been doing? "Oh, my parents had me committed, and my husband exposed his penis to all my friends. What about you?"

The whole conversation was surprisingly black comedy. 

You know what else is fun? When one of your cats throws up on your new boots, less than 24 hours after you've gotten them, and it may or may not be permanently stained. Fuck you, cats.

seething

I know I should be more tempered, but I really want to punch all of these people in their smug faces: http://www.buzzfeed.com/tommywes/14-students-voting-against-marriage-equality

Especially #12. You've got it backwards, dumbass.

neighbors and boots

I found out today that the upstairs neighbors have no kids. It's just a young couple. The kids assumption was the only thing that made sense, the only reason I was tolerant of the running, falling and furniture dragging that goes on constantly. It only makes sense that a child would be running around and falling so often. But apparently...no kids. I am really confused now. Can't imagine what they're doing. My landlord says he hears them too and is surprised I can as they're above HIM. But they are stomping around directly above my living room, for sure. He says he's asked them to not run and to be more aware. We'll see.

Today I very reluctantly got some winter-y boots (just like I recently reluctantly turned the heat on, and put on some socks). Mine broke apart (literally) the winter before last, and last winter, well, it didn't snow, so I just avoided it. But I just got some. I feel very much still in summer mode. I am not down with this "winter" situation, or snow, or whatever's going on outside. I realize that I now have 3 pairs of gray boots - high ones, these, and short bootie ones. Because black is boring (though I have some) and I just can't get myself to wear brown shoes. Brown is so...poo. So gray, gray is my neutral of choice. Plus it matches the cats. And my car.

Rocco's mid-stretch

swirly tail

Uggg, Shirley just scared me. I always pick up her tail and it sort of curls elegantly back to her body but this time it fell straight down. Turns out she was just really asleep and she woke with a cute little chirp when I shook her a little but...that was scary. I hate that I have to worry about this now. There's no actual reason to worry except her age (14).

-----------------

Last night's dream (I'm sorry if these are boring) consisted of being at another festival (since it's been all festival coverage all weekend here). It's chaos, on some college campus that somewhat resembled Kenyon. And I run into W and congratulate him for getting married and he's very disoriented, doesn't know where he is. I ask him basic questions like what year is it, etc and determine something is really wrong. So I set out to find Chris, the one MD on our board. This takes me through various classrooms and theaters and crowds. In some (crowds) I find people I know, but no Chris. Eventually I wake up without finding him.

Instagram dreams

Dreams have been even more vivid and narrative-y lately. As well, I've been semi-waking very disoriented, and having to wait a few moments before the contours of the room become known. Not that that's unusual. I think we all experience that. But it's a different flavor and intensity of that. Last night I had an interminable dream that I was the videographer at some big concert. So I'm setting up all the equipment, and adjusting, adjusting, adjusting. But I really had NO IDEA what I was doing. I couldn't focus anything, didn't know how to set up the tripod, just generally had no clue. Yet the dream went on and on with me trying to set this stuff up, jostling around the incoming crowd, a lot of time spent on trying to focus. Holy crap, this is what I spend my dream time doing?? I'm not even the performer anymore. I'm just an observer, or outside the performance in some way. If I am the performer, I don't know the music. I wake exhausted. It's terrible.

I think I had this dream in part because I've read a bunch of articles about how Instagram is the ruination of photography, that throwing filters on squared photos just makes everyone think they're a photographer (gasp!) and that somehow, apparently, dilutes photography as a whole? But for someone like me, it's the perfect medium. I have no interest in being a "real" photographer, despite my dream. I don't care about all the settings, the equipment, the lenses. I just want to snap shots of things I find interesting. Because I think I have a good eye, but I'm not interested in cameras. So my phone and Instagram (or just my phone) let me do this. And I'm pretty proud of my Instagram photos. I don't take pictures of myself - it's mostly scenes or items I find interesting. And I look at things slightly differently now. I frame things even more than I did before. Because any fleeting moment could be, or contain within it, a tiny little tableau. And I like to look at others' photos too. I thought this as I was driving down the street yesterday, looking at how the fall trees framed the sky. Here's my Instagram feed, if you're interested.

next stop: 3am bar straggler

I am giddy with anticipation, for tonight's SNL is hosted by... LOUIS CK!! Weee!

--------------

I am sitting here watching the live feed of the pro concert of the (big festival in NC), CASA's first and biggest festival. Tonight's concert is attended by at least 1000 people. I can get the actual number, but it's a big crowd. Last night's was close to it. And I have so many thoughts, so so many thoughts...

- I am sad and mad that I haven't yet gotten many of my friends or family to attend these big concerts. Because they're pretty much exactly the opposite of what people are thinking they are. Like, sedate, dorky little affairs, guys with pleated khakis singing "Under The Boardwalk" to an audience of a few dozen in a church basement or something. Right? Instead, they are all out fucking ROCK SHOWS in major venues. In fact, here's what's going on now:

The group is a group from Finland called Fork (as you can see), rocking everyone's faces off. Behind the kyron, or whatever it's called, you can see the crowd...DANCING. And all of this was preceded by a day of workshops and masterclasses run by smart and damn impressive people [and side note: someone tweeted something about B stripping in his workshop, which obviously was a joke, but I can tell you that you really DO wish he were. trust me.], and last night was the collegiate competition at the same venue. Tomorrow there will be some more events. And then we'll do it all again in LA in Jan. And in Boston in April. etc. It's a massive undertaking/s, pulled off by lots of very dedicated and talented people. This is the org I work for. If you know me, you ARE going to the next one that's near you. No excuses. You ARE. That's the cool part.

[see it all archived here]

-However, though I always leave duly impressed and humbled, I must admit that I don't often make any deep emotional connection to what's going on musically. Why? Well, I don't often LOVE the songs that are chosen. They're usually pretty good, rarely terrible, but not, to my ears, awesome. I just think if you're doing covers (and most of these are, though not all), the choices could be...better. That's why I've always tried to create a group that straddles that line between a good show and also something that can deeply touch someone in a way that acoustic music does. Pentatonix (performed before Fork), they're amazing, and they can get a crowd going as good as any instrumented rock band, but their choices often leave me flat, and the overall effect is...well, I don't know if I'd want to hear them do a 2-hour set. To be able to take an audience on that kind of journey...that's a skill unto itself.

-I am so sad that I am not performing and the hole I'm in seems insurmountable. Age, age, age, age, age. It mostly seems about age. Is there any way someone my age can viably start performing again? Is it just sad to try? I feel like people are subtly trying to tell me that, and that too makes me mad. Did I really just work from age 5 until a few years ago only to be FORCED out? Is that the deal? Just like I have to force myself to stop thinking about guys I'm involved with, because ultimately it never works out, so the only option I have is to let it hurt and hurt and hurt until it hurts a little less? Is that really all I get? Because that fucking BLOWS.

-I can't muster the kind of enthusiasm so many people who attend these events have, because...well, the above, and because I feel so...over. So done. So lost. I appreciate their unbridled squeeing. I do. I wish I could be in on that.

-I know what happens now. The afterparty where all the pretty young people get drunk and hook up. I want that. I want that too. I don't want to drink or be drunk, but I want the rest of it. I don't even know how they work it out, since so many of them are sharing rooms. Where do they find the space? Fuck them and their ingenuity. I have my own space but noone's hooking up with me. Shit. That's why I'm writing a song about AA, because he's young, attractive and charismatic, and at an event like this, he can basically have his pick. I want to be him. I want to know that I have that power (again). People who say women can ALWAYS have sex are fucking dead wrong. Unless you want to pick up a straggler at a bar at 3am, but that's not really a choice unless you too are a straggler at a bar at 3am. Again, I ask: is that all I get?

Ug, now I'm (more) depressed. Fuck your brains out, my young S-jamming friends. Think of me. Time for Louis CK.

UPDATE: Arghhhh, the last bit on SNL was literally about being the drunk 3am straggler! And it was brilliant (and supports my point brilliantly). I'm sure there will be a video tomorrow.

who's scared?

Greetings from Hurricane Central. Actually, there are places where it's much worse, like NYC. Right now it's raining and very very windy, like "Wizard of Oz" windy. I'm worried about a tree falling on my car but I don't think - don't think - flooding is imminent. Still, who knows? The lights have been flickering but so far only went out for a little while. I went out earlier and the waves were pretty impressive. They were crashing into each other, in that the outgoing wave would crash into the incoming one. I've never seen that before. I caught it:

Ya know, I've been thinking about how cats get such a bad rap, but dogs are fucking NEUROTIC, man. Like, not one of them, but it seems most of them, have some freaky OCD or weird behavioral issue. They destroy things deliberately, eat all food placed in front of them, even if it's deadly to them, and they cower in fear in storms. I have a friend whose dogs see a THERAPIST. Whither the brave companion dog of lore? Cats don't do this kinda shit for the most part. Like, there are so many terrified dogs out there that someone had to invent a shirt to CALM THEM DOWN? What the hell? Is there a dog that isn't a pile of neuroses? That's the dog I want. I'd like to get a dog sometime, but... I guess I'm in search of Chill Dog, and in the meantime, I'll ride out the hurricane with my cats, who are unaffected and don't need a special shirt.

He looks terrified, doesn't he?

I don't need no scaredy-shirt!

storm's a-coming

I wonder if anyone else finds Alicia Keys incredibly annoying, the way I do? I just find her voice super-grating, and nothing about her interesting. Don't understand why she's so admired.

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Still sick. I really did not miss this - the dependence upon tissues, the feeling that you're about to sneeze all the time, the painful sneezing, the sore nose, pounding head. Ick. I wonder what it would be like to have someone to care for/take care of you in situations like this. It's so out of the realm of my reality, I have a hard time imagining it. I just do what has to be done. Make my own tea, get more tissues, complain here because there's noone to complain to. What would it be like to have someone care? As usual, I can't help but assume I just don't deserve it, yet everyone else does. Why is that? Am I that horrible? Loneliness just hums through my existence now, such that I almost - almost - don't notice it.

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And with that, I'm going to bed. If you're on the east coast, I hope your Frankenstorm preparations are going  well. And I hope my brother doesn't get blown away!

sick

Because stepsister was so sick when I was there (with both a cold/flu thing and sciatica which kept her in extreme pain and not able to walk), I am now sick. This is significant because I never get sick. In fact, I haven't been sick since I started immunotherapy, and part of that is because when you're doing this, your immune system is sort of supercharged all the time. So it's been a few years since I was sick. I try VERY hard not to get sick because 1.) it reminds me of the 18 solid months I spent so sick with allergies and 2.) when I do get sick, it lasts a long long time (as in months). I almost forgot how it is to be sneezing and blowing my nose and coughing all the damn time.

The one day that Kim was able to (sort of) get around, she wanted to go to this town in WI that she likes. Only it was 1.5 hours away and she could barely walk. But she wanted to go. When we got there, here's how I saw it: cute town, but full of overpriced precious tckotcke stores, none of which held any interest for me. Just not my style like at ALL, but she's really into it. There were garden decoration stores, and Halloween decoration stores, and a candy apple store (she did get me a caramel/chocolate apple that I'm still dreaming about). We are alike in many ways but so different in others. Like, she's one of those people who decorates her house for every holiday. I don't really understand that (desire). I want to decorate my house and change it up occasionally, but your house is not a pre-school or an elementary school, which is what seasonal decorations remind me of. Whatever, she enjoys it. Gah, I just realized this store is there and I'd totally have wanted to go there if I'd known that!

If you need me, I'll be taking some more ibuprofen and blowing my nose...