lost voice

Do not turn off your empathy.

Listen.

Listen.

Listen.

And then listen CLOSER.

I have spent years apologizing for, and trying to cover up, and trying to be someone other than the sensitive person that I am, but that is WHO I AM.

I wish I was brave enough to be as ugly as you

"Be yourself, be yourself, be yourself, be yourself...

oh no, noone in this town would EVER wear their hair curly. They all straighten it."*

Get it? Curly hair is UNACCEPTABLE. It's considered ugly, it's too "ethnic", too rough, not refined. But yeah, I'm supposed to "be myself". See the contradiction there? The woman who rinsed my hair gave me a backhanded compliment by saying she wished she could wear her hair curly, that her curls just wouldn't "lie down" as nicely as mine so she had to straighten hers every day. I'm old enough to know the code. What that really means is, "Wow, an adult who doesn't straighten her hair. How lazy and declasse. In this day and age!" Frankly, I'd love to have it straight but I haven't mastered the art of blowing it dry myself and don't have the patience to spent an hour+ several times a week doing that. But rest assured curly hair hate is very much alive and well in 2014.

*including the two stylists who were saying this

My stylist was also telling me how her kids get up at 5:30am and it's painful but it's a good thing she's a morning person. But she falls asleep at 8pm. Just falls asleep. Stops functioning. But she'd just told me how she had a girls' weekend in Vegas last weekend, and I said, "but I'm guessing you didn't go to bed at 8 in Vegas..." and she said "no, I stayed up there" and I said, "how'd you do that?" and she whispered, "very expensive drugs". She told me she slept probably 3 hours the whole weekend. I'm not sure which drugs she meant. Coke? Anyways, apparently that's what it takes to stay up.

another listy list

It's hard for me to get things done. I'm so sad. Today I:

- cleaned the shower and took a shower (both of which are not favorite things of mine, but I like to combine them if I can)
- responded to a written letter with an email (sorry, friend, it's what I can do)
- followed up on some emails
- tried to get going on my workshop; down to critical phase now
- slept more
- tried to go out and get some Rocco provisions, but it had started snowing and everyone was panicked and traffic was bumper to bumper and dead stopped. I got about halfway and abandoned the trip. Not up for a 15 min drive taking over an hour. I'll try again tomorrow.
- got a sandwich after WAY too much thought about what I wanted to eat
- sent out an invoice
- posted a blog to CASA; sent to social media
- tried to figure out if we're having rehearsal on Mon, since the bass player sent a list of songs we're working on, which was followed by M announcing, I think? - in incoherent-speak - that she's unavailable every single day until Feb 2.

...and it was something about burps

This album that's right now #7 on the iTunes country charts? I helped a little bit with one of the songs. The engineer asked my opinion on one of the songs while it was in progress. So...success-adjacent, as per usual. Though, they did appear on The Today Show last week with Kathie Lee and Hoda, and that's one milestone I think I'd be happy to skip. Kathie Lee referred to Tim, the bass, as "the bass player". Genius, do you see him holding an instrument? Kathie Lee is on my list of people I'd like to punch in the kidneys. Well, her just because she's annoying. Not because she's a dangerous asshole, like Bill O'Reilly.

bargains

On the one hand, my CASA job really is in jeopardy, per the last board meeting, where they're restructuring, which means reassessing whether the people who are currently getting paid should...continue to get paid. This despite the fact that events have been run into the ground by repeated budgetary disasters and bad decisions and a membership program that brings in approximately no memberships (even with our NBC partnership, I believe). But yes, please dump the people who produce. So I wait for the other shoe to drop. I've gotten the heads up.

On the other hand, I found these shoes online that I really love, but at $119 and they're out of stock, not something I can buy. But yesterday I found some that are very similar at Marshalls, marked down to $29 because they were missing a stud in the back. Bought 'em, took 'em to the shoe guy in town, he fixed it on the spot for $5.

So, possible lost job (again), but great shoe bargain? Naw, they don't even out. The former still sucks and I'm feeling pretty sick about it, but I do love the shoes.

I talked to my father the other day and he alluded to my stepbrother making about 900K per year. And referred to their house as "the castle". What I wouldn't do just to live...comfortably. To not go to bed every night hyperventilating with worry. When right in my own family, immense wealth, and right across the street, immense wealth. And here I am. If any trickling down would like to trickle down, that'd be awesome.

where your pics go

I think I may have mentioned that 3 years or so ago a friend sent me some explicit pics of himself, and a few videos. I'm keeping pertinent details to myself though they'd probably help explain the story better. Anyways, that's really where the whole thing ended. We were never involved or anything, and I never told anyone in the community about this. I recently found out that this guy, who is brilliant, erudite and elegant, not to mention soft spoken and well regarded, was let go from his professorship at a prestigious liberal arts college for some unknown inappropriate stuff that went down (I really don't know the details). He was also at the time [our] dir. of education. He was then let go from that position, though to the public it was announced the he was leaving of his own accord. I did not know the details of this either as I am not on the board. Further, apparently several (some?) women recently came forward to say that they felt uncomfortable because he'd sent them photos/video, young women, some (maybe all?) who'd also sent him photos in return, but women much younger than him that he was teaching, or overseeing, or generally in a position of power over. [the board] decided that he would then no longer be allowed to teach at any festivals. And the women's org that I am now a part of followed suit, as he is one of our ambassadors, and decided to ask him to step down from that position, though that was tough to do as we ostensibly were not supposed to know anything about any of this. I still only know the sketchiest of details, essentially what I've written here. And I always want to be very careful to get the whole story in cases like this, because we're a culture that is SO sex-shaming, where the mere act of sexting or texting dick pics alone is considered something disgusting when in fact - news flash - it's not. Sending them unwarranted to someone who doesn't want them, though...that's something else. So I wish I knew the whole story, but I can't push anyone for details without sounding like I'm being creepy or gossipy, or having to disclose the photos that I have of him. I want to trust this is not a witch hunt, and because it was overseen by a friend who's a very smart and savvy psychologist and a generally smart and thoughtful group, I assume it was not, but young women, regretting decisions and then going public with them...who knows what happened? For me, it's a non-issue. Noone in the community needed to know, so noone does. But there's also zero power differential between he and I. He's been IMing me recently, just chatty. I'll see him at the end of the month in LA. There almost surely won't be time or privacy to talk, but I'd sure like to hear his side.

bits

Yesterday, when I was leaving, I saw a gray cat on my porch running away. It was lighter than Shirley. It ran across the street, but looked back at me a few times, like maybe it wanted to come back. It worried me that a cat would be outside when it's so fucking cold, and then it made me think it either has owners who are dicks, or it doesn't have a home. Then last night I had a dream about her, that she was back and I was saying to someone, "look, she wasn't really dead". And now I'm missing her more. I miss Shirley.

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Sometimes I imagine myself in another life in LA, not in a high-powered mover-and-shaker, phony power couple, plastic surgery type of life, but working in entertainment, doing whatever I do, driving through the hills at night, knowing where I'm going, going home.

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I found out yesterday that my flight to Eugene in May will be covered, so I can go to this year's SheSings festival, and go to OR for the first time. If I can get my car covered, I can fly into Portland and visit another friend there. Or cover it myself if necessary. A bit of good news. 

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Just had eyes examined and they're actually a little better than last year. That said, my vision is still very very bad. But still don't need bifocals so fuck you old age!

time for a nap

Dream:

Stepmother has wallpapered house with handpainted silk wallpaper on ridiculously high walls, clearly exorbitantly expensive despite their "not having any money". And matching silk pillows and curtains and all sorts of things. I call her out and she says it didn't cost much, only a few hundred. I essentially tell her she's lying and she tells me she's not, and pretends to be very hurt. Then Kim comes in, she's hiding the fact that SHE is planning a very exorbitant wedding to Tom (though they're already married), and she's wearing a black dress over her expensive wedding dress though they too "have no money". Again, I ask why and am made the villain.

[This scenario plays itself out in real life over and over.]

Then, we're at a pool, our pool, and David, who is little, is trying to make a point to our father, and David is right, but our father just wants to be right, as usual. I'm backing David up and he's very upset but I've literally lost my voice, I am croaking out my angry support for David while Dad sits in the pool, indigent. This is when I woke up in bed, crying and saying out loud, "IS THIS THE HILL YOU WANT TO DIE ON??" I think I am asking this of myself.

I'm exhausted.

books/movies and a call

Here's my books and movies list. I didn't keep track of concerts and live shows this year. As you can see, I watched a shit-ton of movies, and I didn't even keep track of them all, eg this doesn't include some comedy specials, things like that. This year, I was less active than any other, and paid the price. Which is why next year I have to do better, when I feel worse than I ever have. I have no...thing to look forward to, noone to do it for, no inspiration. But fuck, I want to not look in the mirror and be appalled.

Before the list, I forgot to mention that after an online conversation that led to an email conversation that led to a phone conversation w/Deke (he called). The conversation was originally about TSO and its weaknesses (and its strengths - there are both), but specifically about how women are portrayed, how since S1 there's only been on women's group with women older than 30 and each subsequent year, women have been more and more Vegas-y. Think I'm joking? Here's this year's one women's group:

FYI, I have two friends in this group, but still don't like how they were portrayed (and no, I have no idea what they're doing here). Deke insists their styling was all their choice. I'm sure it was, and actually they look awesome, but...well, that's a whole other story. He understands, he says, that he made a "deal with the devil" when he signed on to be vocal producer for this show, but ultimately it's still a hell of a lot more authentic then most music shows on TV in that talent is absolutely genuine, and there's no infighting or drama.

But he called because he said I sound depressed and he's concerned. He's right, of course. I've never mentioned this stuff to him, and he called it. FUCK. And he called me. Fuck again. I don't like being called out. On the one hand, it's sweet that he's concerned. But I do my best to NOT let people know, especially people like him, who I need to put my best professional foot forward with, even though he' also a friend. He told me his wife suffers from depression, so he knows. But in my heart, what I know is that he's assessing and that it means he'll think twice about hiring me for something. Like, I applied to teach at his summer camp in Columbus, and I likely won't get that not because of lack of skill, but because of this. It will never be mentioned, of course. I just won't get it. And this is how I lose, how my depression fucks me, again and again.

Indeed, I see a therapist weekly (who knows if I'll be able to continue seeing with the new insurance - I'll try to call tomorrow, but I assume everyone will be making the same call tomorrow so I doubt I'll get through) and a psychopharm nurse periodically. Seeing her next week. I hate taking meds. HATE IT. And I hate talking about this stuff. And I don't feel better. And I don't feel like it's safe to talk about this.

MOVIES:

Jeff, Who Lives at Home (1.1.13)
(A)sexual (1.1.13)
Blue Valentine (1.5.13)*
Inside Deep Throat (1.10.13)*
Easy A (1.17.13)
Our Idiot Brother (1.19.13)
Metropolitan (1.27.13)*
Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work (1.31.13)*
Commune (2.1.13)
I Think We’re Alone Now (2.2.13) SADDDDDD
Trekkies 2 (2.3.13)
Y Tu Mama Tambien (2.5.13)*
Louis CK / Chewed Up (2.7.13)*
Lars and the Real Girl (2.7.13)*
Ted (2.9.13)
The Future (2.17.13)
Shut Up Little Man (2.19.13)
The Horse Boy (2.22.13)
Whores’ Glory (2.26.13)*
Looper (3.1.13)*
2 Days In New York (3.1.13)
Winnebago Man (3.5.13)*
The Sea Inside (3.7.13)*
Me and You and Everyone We Know (3.8.13)*
The Perks of Being a Wallflower (3.9.13)
Pootie Tang (3.10.13)
Moonrise Kingdom (3.13.13)
Cleanflix (3.15.13)
Extract (3.22.13)
Little Man (3.26.13)
The Fourth Kind (3.28.13)
The Sessions (4.1.13)
The Impossible (4.10.13)
Meet The Fokkens (4.10.13)
Django Unchained (4.17.13)
The Awakening (4.26.13)
Paul Williams: Still Alive (4.26.13)
Believe: The Eddie Izzard Story (4.28.13)
The Ice Storm (5.2.13)
Top of the Lake (5.8-9.13)
Dr. Bronner’s Magic Soapbox (5.10.13)
The Trip (5.13.13)
Bully (5.15.13)
On The Ice (5.18.13)
Her Master’s Voice (5.25.13)
Hugo (6.2.13)
Planet of Snail (6.14.13)
Mary and Max (6.15.13)
Chasing Ice (6.23.13)
Metropolis (6.2913)
Home Before Dark (7.9.13)
Goats (7.12.13)
Departures (7.25.13)
Man On The Moon (7.26.13)
Catfish (7.26.13)
Martha Marcy May Marlene (8.7.24)
Greenberg (8.20.13)
Out Late (8.21.13)
Antiviral (8.24.13)
Into the White (9.2.13)
Miss Gulag (10.4.13)
Gravity (w/Melissa et al) eh
doc on Costa Concordia (10.13.13)
Side Effects (10.1713) slightly horrible
Event Horizon (10.25.13) horrible
Grown Ups 2 (11.6.13) horrible
Elysium (11.7.13)
My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend (11.15.13)
The Way Way Back (11.15.13) - basically a blatant “Meatballs” ripoff
Frances Ha (11.21.13)
Europa Project (11.23.13)
What Maisie Knew (12.8.13)
Flight (12.26.13)*

BOOKS:

The Commitment [Dan Savage]
Bossypants [Tina Fey]
Masters of Sex [Thomas Maier]
Let's Pretend This Never Happened [Jenny Lawson]
The Goldfinch [Donna Tartt]
Revival [Scott Alarik]

LIVE SHOWS:

CONCERTS: