MOVIES:
Avatar 3D (1.1.10 with Judi)
A Single Man (1.16.10 with Melissa)
A Serious Man (w/Melissa)
Inception (7.31.10 w/Michael M)
Fantastic Mr. Fox (9.1.10 w/Tara and Sophia)
City Island (9.7.10 w/Kim)
The Kids Are All Right (9.5.10 w/Kim, Dad and Sue)
Reservation Road (9.11.10 at home)
(original) Frankenstein (October at home)
(part of) The Box (November at home)
Avatar (November, at home)
Tiny Furniture (at home, 11.27.10)
Temple Grandin (12.10 at home)
BOOKS:
The War of Art / Steven Pressfield
Last Night In Twisted River / John Irving
Never Have Your Dog Stuffed / Alan Alda
The Yiddish Policeman's Union / Michael Chabon
The Dogs of Babel / Carolyn Parkhurst
Cold Pizza For Breakfast / Christine Lavin
In Hoboken / Christian Bauman
Although Of Course You End Up Becoming Yourself: A Road Trip with David Foster Wallace / David Lipsky
Madame Bovary / Gustave Flaubert
Cherry / Mary Karr
Unbroken / Laura Hillenbrand
LIVE SHOWS:
Pee-wee's Playhouse (2.4.10 with Pam and Dave in LA, Nokia Theater)
Hair (6.9.10 at Marblehead Little Theatre w/Pam and Raymond)
Side by Side by Sondheim (Aug 10 at Marblehead Little Theater, with me as guest)
CONCERTS:
LA A Cappella Festival / Sonos, m-pact, Bruin Harmony (1.30.10, w/Pam, Dave, Nathalie and a cappella pals)
Raymond in concert (2/10 in Salem, MA)
Camille's CD release (2.14.10 in Andover, and sing)
lots of ICCA/ICHSA judging (MA, CT and NY)
Vocal Olympics (3.6.10 at Nameless, and judge)
Jewmongous (4.1.10 at Passim w/Andrea and Ethan)
Ellis Paul (4.9.10 at TCAN w/Marisa)
Harmony Sweeps judging (4.18.10)
Marblehead High School Spring Concert (5.13.10 w/Marisa and Austin)
Vance Gilbert (5.29.10 with Jeannette at Homegrown Coffeehouse, and performed)
Acapocalypse (6.16.10 w/Marisa in Weston)
House Jacks (6.19.10 at Freight & Salvage, SF, w/Amanda R)
Beatles Benefit Concert (7.17.10 w/Alex Green, Nick Girard and Dan Carp performance)
Overboard (11.7.10 in Salem)
27 December 2010
12 December 2010
being a kid
I find that in light of not really having any sounding board and not having a therapist, I am trying to delve more on my own into what makes me me, and stuck, and hopefully get out of it (yeah, more time in my head - fabulous). And one thing I've realized and have been thinking about a lot lately (and you'll excuse me, I have a lot of trouble articulating things that aren't EVENTS, and especially things that are emotions from when I was a kid) is that there definitely came a point...maybe around 13 or so, when adulthood started to encroach and I DID. NOT. WANT. And in some ways I've pushed against it ever since. Of course it was jarring and horrible to have my mother and brother and sister move 60 miles away and leave me with my father and a new family I didn't know and it was difficult, but even before that, when my sister started to get heaps of attention from boys (and I was still soundly ignored, and would remain so until college), I hated that it marked the end of our childhood. Of make-believe with my sister, my constant companion, of going to our grandparents on weekends, of just being KIDS. Now there were boys (not for me, of course, except for Brendan at age 12, but that's another story), and dates (for her, very young), and for her there was also experimenting with drugs and alcohol. I knew this went on but it was kept from me, because she and everyone else thought that I was too stick-up-my-ass rigid to understand or accept it. In fact, I just had no interest. And still don't. For so many reasons, and one of those reasons was that it was yet another catalyst for pulling us out of childhood, something that happened too early as it was due to a very mean and messy divorce.
I always had a strong sense of individualism, and a need to stand out, but also a need to fit in. I wanted to be special (who doesn't), and never liked crowds, as they made me feel my same-ness so acutely. And experimenting with drugs and alcohol seemed so fucking cliche, like something everyone did just to do it, but brainlessly, even with the best of information - thumbing their adolescent noses at that information - about what a bad idea it was, they still just HAD to do it because it's an adolescent right of passage. But I didn't. And I didn't. And I haven't. And I don't feel like I've missed out. I just finished reading Cherry, the second autobiography of Mary Karr's that I've read, and this one is really about her adolescence, much of which was spent in a drug-induced haze. And her descriptions of being high and/or drunk sound MISERABLE, like fever-dreams or nightmares where you have control over nothing, and the ground shifts beneath you and you aren't in the safety of REM sleep, you're really there, and you're really killing brain cells, and you're really risking addiction (which she eventually succumbed to - see her most recent book, Lit). The price has always seemed too high. And since I recently found out that one of my own family members has been battling various addictions since high school, I know even more that this has been the right decision for me.
But whereas Penn is considered a badass for being a lifetime teetotaler, and even eschewing caffeine (which I do NOT do - I like black tea and soda and the occasional iced coffee), I don't know if people find it admirous in me. I've had people be outright disappointed when I told them I wouldn't drink with them (even though I have NO PROBLEM being with people who are drinking, unless they're deliberately drinking to get drunk, but by all means, have a drink of two. I encourage it!), and that kinda sucks, y'all. It's incredibly insulting. So I find myself second guessing my decision to never drink, to never do drugs. I'm trying to think like a therapist. As myself, I just want to chock it up to strength of character and it's something I'm proud of. But what if it's something I shouldn't be proud of? What if it's part of a pattern of refusal to grow up, to arrest myself as a child, to try to stop things at a place where I felt I hadn't gotten enough yet, where I hadn't gotten enough time to just BE A KID yet when divorce happened, and abuse happened, and moving happened, and a painful awareness of my sister's attractiveness (as compared to my lack thereof, and this continues to this day) happened. Maybe something broke then, and one of the strategies stuck, and branched off into other delays (no children, spouse, home, etc).
I always had a strong sense of individualism, and a need to stand out, but also a need to fit in. I wanted to be special (who doesn't), and never liked crowds, as they made me feel my same-ness so acutely. And experimenting with drugs and alcohol seemed so fucking cliche, like something everyone did just to do it, but brainlessly, even with the best of information - thumbing their adolescent noses at that information - about what a bad idea it was, they still just HAD to do it because it's an adolescent right of passage. But I didn't. And I didn't. And I haven't. And I don't feel like I've missed out. I just finished reading Cherry, the second autobiography of Mary Karr's that I've read, and this one is really about her adolescence, much of which was spent in a drug-induced haze. And her descriptions of being high and/or drunk sound MISERABLE, like fever-dreams or nightmares where you have control over nothing, and the ground shifts beneath you and you aren't in the safety of REM sleep, you're really there, and you're really killing brain cells, and you're really risking addiction (which she eventually succumbed to - see her most recent book, Lit). The price has always seemed too high. And since I recently found out that one of my own family members has been battling various addictions since high school, I know even more that this has been the right decision for me.
But whereas Penn is considered a badass for being a lifetime teetotaler, and even eschewing caffeine (which I do NOT do - I like black tea and soda and the occasional iced coffee), I don't know if people find it admirous in me. I've had people be outright disappointed when I told them I wouldn't drink with them (even though I have NO PROBLEM being with people who are drinking, unless they're deliberately drinking to get drunk, but by all means, have a drink of two. I encourage it!), and that kinda sucks, y'all. It's incredibly insulting. So I find myself second guessing my decision to never drink, to never do drugs. I'm trying to think like a therapist. As myself, I just want to chock it up to strength of character and it's something I'm proud of. But what if it's something I shouldn't be proud of? What if it's part of a pattern of refusal to grow up, to arrest myself as a child, to try to stop things at a place where I felt I hadn't gotten enough yet, where I hadn't gotten enough time to just BE A KID yet when divorce happened, and abuse happened, and moving happened, and a painful awareness of my sister's attractiveness (as compared to my lack thereof, and this continues to this day) happened. Maybe something broke then, and one of the strategies stuck, and branched off into other delays (no children, spouse, home, etc).
09 December 2010
public stuff
Well, I can't tell if the cortisone actually helped. I still have pain and I don't have stairs in my place, so I'm trying to climb stairs wherever I can to see how it's faring, but it's oddly hard to tell. It may be a little better than the right. So...I'm not sure what happens now. I guess I contact the doctor and report these findings and he decides if we do the right knee. I kinda would like to, actually.
I am so annoyed lately. I feel like all efforts to do anything are thwarted or undermined. I try to be very careful about my online presence, keeping things professional yet still remaining me, especially with regards the stuff with my (board position). I am constantly cheerleadering online, promoting other peoples' projects, and praising. And it's completely sincere. I'm so proud of the friends and family I have, and of all the truly impressive things they're doing around the world. So I was watching "The View" the other day and saw Wilson Phillips (remember them? Carny Wilson has gone on to dubious "notoriety" surrounding her weight loss and gain and her unpleasant personality) singing from their new Christmas CD. "Singing" is really being generous. It was horrendous. I'm unclear why they ever got any recognition, as none of them have a shred of talent, and this performance proved that. The 3 of them were singing sloppy 2-part harmony, because that's apparently all they can pull of, and it was musically terrible, and an embarrassing performance.
So I posted on Twitter and Facebook, querying whether there's really a market for a Christmas CD by Wilson Phillips. Who wants to buy such a thing? Are people really that indiscriminate? I mean, this isn't a matter of taste, like...I don't like Bruce Springsteen, but I know he's talented. Same with U2. That's about taste. This was something else. This is a trio that got very lucky in the 90s and is trying to capitalize on their moderate/unearned success then by reuniting. Why? I got a response on FB from a guy I know who is a high level sound guy and producer, saying that he would (be interested in their CD) because he works for their production company. I asked if he thought they were good. He said something about how he prefers to only say positive things about other musicians via his online presence. Another (an actual friend) said that another friend of hers actually played guitar on the CD, and I said that I was glad to hear that good musicians were getting work because of them (and I am). Another guy wrote something about, "You're angry. I can tell", though NONE of my responses were angry at ALL. I deleted that post, because I don't know if he was being cheeky or what his intent is, but it doesn't look good for me, in any case. Why am I being CALLED OUT on Facebook for questioning what is undeniably a shitty act, when all I do elsewise is praise and praise and praise? It just seems unfair. What was he trying to prove?
It doesn't seem to matter how supportive I try to be, if 98 out of 100 comments are supportive, if giving a critical opinion, I will get shit from SOMEONE. And then I feel like I have to spin and fix, because there is a reputation here (mine). The reason it's such a tough kick in the teeth is because I know how hard I've worked not only for and in the music community, but also to be completely professional and tempered, to be my own best PR agent. I try to emulate the best and I've learned from the worst (these are some of the best lessons). But honestly, I feel like there is a place to call out bullshit "art", because otherwise there would be a lot more of it if everything was blindly supported. I'm allowed to say that. And of course anyone is allowed to criticize me for being critical, but why? What's the point? This guy isn't my adversary, nor is he personal friends with WP, and I didn't know he was connected to them, so what the hell? Do I have a sign on my back that says, "PUBLICLY SHAME ME"?
It sure fucking feels like it.
There's a lot at stake here, and how one purports oneself, and how they are responded to is taken into account. I'm trying to wrench a career back into being that was stolen from me, and I now deal with many people on a high level in the entertainment business. There's the possibility that I can ascend further as some of them have, but I have to ingratiate myself to the right people, and not be seen as someone who's angry and unstable. And I'm not. But shaming comments in response to my opinions don't look good. And make me want to retreat. And I don't have anyone to talk to. I have no therapist, the few friends who are able to listen and respond without agenda are dealing with things and I don't want to disturb them, family is annoyed. I find that some people I'd leap to talk to before I am avoiding now. I am weighing the "price" of each conversation. For example, I have one family member I adore, but for the past x years, has steered EVERY conversation to pyramid schemes he's involved in (and losing money on). When you talk to him, you know that he will eventually start the crazy-talk, and enduring the crazy-talk is too high a price for me now (my sister confirms that it's exhausting). I'm doing the same with others. Isolating. If I had a therapist, maybe they'd say that this is a good thing, this discernment. Others who I thought knew me wildly misinterpret me in ways that make me wonder if I'm speaking another language (eg, "you're a Scrooge and hate Christmas" when in fact that's not the case - I hate the hypocrisy of how many people and businesses "celebrate" the holiday, especially those who consider themselves religious). So, feeling like I have no sounding board, and noone who wants to be bothered. This is a very lonely place.
I am so annoyed lately. I feel like all efforts to do anything are thwarted or undermined. I try to be very careful about my online presence, keeping things professional yet still remaining me, especially with regards the stuff with my (board position). I am constantly cheerleadering online, promoting other peoples' projects, and praising. And it's completely sincere. I'm so proud of the friends and family I have, and of all the truly impressive things they're doing around the world. So I was watching "The View" the other day and saw Wilson Phillips (remember them? Carny Wilson has gone on to dubious "notoriety" surrounding her weight loss and gain and her unpleasant personality) singing from their new Christmas CD. "Singing" is really being generous. It was horrendous. I'm unclear why they ever got any recognition, as none of them have a shred of talent, and this performance proved that. The 3 of them were singing sloppy 2-part harmony, because that's apparently all they can pull of, and it was musically terrible, and an embarrassing performance.
So I posted on Twitter and Facebook, querying whether there's really a market for a Christmas CD by Wilson Phillips. Who wants to buy such a thing? Are people really that indiscriminate? I mean, this isn't a matter of taste, like...I don't like Bruce Springsteen, but I know he's talented. Same with U2. That's about taste. This was something else. This is a trio that got very lucky in the 90s and is trying to capitalize on their moderate/unearned success then by reuniting. Why? I got a response on FB from a guy I know who is a high level sound guy and producer, saying that he would (be interested in their CD) because he works for their production company. I asked if he thought they were good. He said something about how he prefers to only say positive things about other musicians via his online presence. Another (an actual friend) said that another friend of hers actually played guitar on the CD, and I said that I was glad to hear that good musicians were getting work because of them (and I am). Another guy wrote something about, "You're angry. I can tell", though NONE of my responses were angry at ALL. I deleted that post, because I don't know if he was being cheeky or what his intent is, but it doesn't look good for me, in any case. Why am I being CALLED OUT on Facebook for questioning what is undeniably a shitty act, when all I do elsewise is praise and praise and praise? It just seems unfair. What was he trying to prove?
It doesn't seem to matter how supportive I try to be, if 98 out of 100 comments are supportive, if giving a critical opinion, I will get shit from SOMEONE. And then I feel like I have to spin and fix, because there is a reputation here (mine). The reason it's such a tough kick in the teeth is because I know how hard I've worked not only for and in the music community, but also to be completely professional and tempered, to be my own best PR agent. I try to emulate the best and I've learned from the worst (these are some of the best lessons). But honestly, I feel like there is a place to call out bullshit "art", because otherwise there would be a lot more of it if everything was blindly supported. I'm allowed to say that. And of course anyone is allowed to criticize me for being critical, but why? What's the point? This guy isn't my adversary, nor is he personal friends with WP, and I didn't know he was connected to them, so what the hell? Do I have a sign on my back that says, "PUBLICLY SHAME ME"?
It sure fucking feels like it.
There's a lot at stake here, and how one purports oneself, and how they are responded to is taken into account. I'm trying to wrench a career back into being that was stolen from me, and I now deal with many people on a high level in the entertainment business. There's the possibility that I can ascend further as some of them have, but I have to ingratiate myself to the right people, and not be seen as someone who's angry and unstable. And I'm not. But shaming comments in response to my opinions don't look good. And make me want to retreat. And I don't have anyone to talk to. I have no therapist, the few friends who are able to listen and respond without agenda are dealing with things and I don't want to disturb them, family is annoyed. I find that some people I'd leap to talk to before I am avoiding now. I am weighing the "price" of each conversation. For example, I have one family member I adore, but for the past x years, has steered EVERY conversation to pyramid schemes he's involved in (and losing money on). When you talk to him, you know that he will eventually start the crazy-talk, and enduring the crazy-talk is too high a price for me now (my sister confirms that it's exhausting). I'm doing the same with others. Isolating. If I had a therapist, maybe they'd say that this is a good thing, this discernment. Others who I thought knew me wildly misinterpret me in ways that make me wonder if I'm speaking another language (eg, "you're a Scrooge and hate Christmas" when in fact that's not the case - I hate the hypocrisy of how many people and businesses "celebrate" the holiday, especially those who consider themselves religious). So, feeling like I have no sounding board, and noone who wants to be bothered. This is a very lonely place.
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