the well of enthusiasm has run dry, but I still have ideas.

For a long while now, I've felt like this:

I HAVE A GREAT IDEA! AND I WANT YOU TO BE PART OF IT! YAY!

person: uh, yeah, I'm not really interested. sorry!

I THOUGHT OF A GREAT IDEA! LET'S TRY THIS THING! IT'LL BE GREAT!

other person: oh yeah, I'm far too busy with my partner/family/successful business to be interested in that.

I HAD A COOL IDEA! I THINK WE SHOULD TRY THIS OUT!

yet another person: I'm so successful that I wouldn't dare think to try something else, at least with you. well, maybe with someone else. sorry!

I thought of a thing we could do together. I think it might really work. 

person #...who knows: uh, no thanks. 

Wanna try to work on a cool project I thought of? Maybe? 

And by now, you know the answer. Every idea, shot down. Every ounce of enthusiasm, stripped out of me. I have cool ideas, noone's interested. Yet all around me, people are starting new businesses and bands and partnerships. Noone will come near me or my ideas. I feel so beaten down. I remember when I had hope, at least some.

fixed it!

Someone posted this little bit of non-logic on FB. I fixed it.

oh MY [clutches pearls]

I have sneezed so many times today that I HURT MY ARM. Yep. It stings like a motherfucker. That's how intense these sneezes are. I just took a Zyrtec and a QlearQuil. That one's new. We'll see if it does anything.

-------------

I went to visit a friend today who is in very bad health. Her health has been bad for quite a while, but it keeps declining. All sorts of things. Now she has to start dialysis. 3 days a week for the rest of her life. First, two months to create a fistula that they'll use to inject (?) the stuff into (clearly, I know little about this). She can barely get around (will be picked up for each of these appts) and lives in a small one bedroom apt in a place that's meant for old people. She tends toward the paranoid. I worry about that. Sure that her neighbors are listening through the walls, sure they want to steal things from her and that they HAVE stolen things from her.

Another one of her friends, who I've met before, is a woman in her 50s, conservative and fussy, but nice enough. Somehow (can't even remember how) the idea of sending naked pics via internet/phone came up. She said the standard line used by people who don't understand technology and are sex-negative: "I would NEVER send naked pictures of myself to anyone. It's too dangerous." Someone asked me if I would. Sure, I said (I have). WHAT? They were astounded. "Well, I guess it's just the way my mother raised me", she said. It wasn't particularly judgey in tone, but it is, of course. How DID your mother raise you? To fear a nonexistent entity and to believe that sex is dirty? How's that workin' for ya? I am surprised at how much pearl-clutchy sex negativity still exists, but then again...religion. It's disappointing and sad.

kicked out of the family

Last night I had a dream that my whole family - all of them - sat me down and told me that I didn't fit the ethos of the family and was being kicked out. I was dumbfounded. I tried to plead my case, but noone was interested in listening. They'd decided. I then tried to take some people aside individually - my father - and still got nowhere. I was devastated. A few nights ago I had another dream with family that was similarly horrible.

I get it. This past week has made me feel both alienated and welcomed by them. Rejected and supported. I feel like my woo-woo irritating cousin is a little too influential and that ultimately everyone would prefer someone like her to me (though I know that's not the case for my mother, who sees her as she is). And it's similar, it felt similar, to when my own band called a meeting to kick me out of the group. That would have made sense had they gone on to flourish without me dragging them down, as they thought they would, but instead, as I predicted, they did a few gigs and disbanded. But that kind of experience gets in there, deep. And one of the guys from the band contacts me periodically, only to send me things he's working on, never asking about me (as it always was) and it's fine. But it's hard to forget that he was the one that sat there, and when I asked, "do you want me out too?", just nodded. Never fought for me.

Maybe that's what I want - someone to fight for me. I happen to know that at one point, the HJs wanted to kick out Deke because he didn't fit the "coolness" level they were tying to achieve. Noone would likely admit that today, what with him being so influential/important. Someone fought for him. He wasn't discarded. Not that that was key to his success or anything, but it happened. They thought better.

every 6 months

I finally met up with the guy I mentioned a while ago. It was...well, it was. In talking, he told me that he never goes to the dentist because he doesn't like doctors (what the fuck is that about??), and he's never had a cavity and he's "fine", so he doesn't go. It's fine. He also told me he never drinks water. Ok, I guess the only way you stop being ridiculous about these kinds of things is when you start seeing how they're affecting you and your health negatively, and he's on a train bound for doctor-ville. After your first root canal, you reassess whether it's worth it to do the 6 month cleanings or not (spoiler alert: it is).

So I was thinking about that when I went to get my teeth cleaned today. A new dentist bought the practice, a Russian woman. She was brusque but I kinda like her style. No cavities, but...gingivitis (need to floss and brush MORE), maybe a root canal with some infection in it (wait and see), a chip in my front teeth restoration (I know), and 3 crowns that need to be replaced, and she said it'd be better to do them at the same time. She's right. I want to do them. The look bad. And it will cost 3K I don't have. She cleaned my teeth with the ultrasonic. It's fast and she was BRUTAL. But hey, that seems better to me than gentle. I want effective! But it's quick and dirty. And bloody. Gross. I understand why people want to avoid this. It's not fun, and then you get bad news. Or at least I do. But...no cavities. There was a time when every time I'd go, I'd have new cavities that needed to be dealt with immediately. This woman told me that her mother was a dentist too, and there are a bunch of dentists and doctors in the family. She wanted to know why I didn't go into dentistry too. I told her our father was disappointed that none of us did.

The Itchy & Scratchy Show

Yesterday, in addition to some terribawful stuff I still haven't resolved, I discovered that Rocco has fleas. For the first time in his life, and the first time I'd had to deal with them in...a few decades, maybe? The vet's office gave me a pill that works immediately and kills the fleas (but only stays in the pet's system for 24 hours), but made him very anxious and super-scratchy for several hours as they died off. Then a topical solution that will last a month. Then a spray for rugs, bedding, etc. I sprayed, I vacuumed. I haven't yet done laundry because...laundromat. And he's been especially clingy since the pill, though no longer anxious. Here he is, next to me right now. It's an ongoing process that I hope we'll be done with soon (except the clingy part, which is cute). Fuck fleas. And terribawful news.

breaking the sound barrier

It's been a shit day/week/life, accompanied by nonstop, comical noise pollution all day. When one project stops, the next begins. Today alone, we've had:

- grinding of branches or something down the street
- then the guy who owns the house next door - who is deaf as a haddock, so I'm sure he doesn't notice how loud it is and he sure as hell isn't wearing ear protection - decides for some reason to start sawing logs
- as soon as that's done, a house down the street starts power-stapling or nailing for hours on end (this went on yesterday too)
- and NOW, the house across the street, the one where the tree fell on my car, where they then removed all the trees from the yard with lots of big equipment in deafening decibels, is now apparently removing the stumps? they have another huge piece of equipment out there with a rotating saw.

ALL. DAY.

I was gonna take a picture of the stump cutting/grinding that's going on right now, but I just can't. I just can't muster up the energy. Every day, some giant piece of equipment parks itself right across the street and starts to make massive amounts of noise. Did I mention that they re-paved this entire street earlier this summer? That went on for weeks.

Such a quiet, peaceful suburb.

The letter I sent to CASA asking about the state of my job has gone unanswered/ignored for 11 days now. I did get the board meeting notes from last month, which include something about wondering how they'll create any content since they can't afford to pay anyone anymore, so I guess that's my answer? They also seem to acknowledge that other orgs are taking their place, because they're dropping so many balls.

I put myself out there for events (asking to be part of them) and essentially hear nothing or that if I want to travel and work for free, they'd have me. But the same cutesy-poo 20-somethings who have very little experience show up as instructors again and again. How do they afford it? Esp since one of the cutesy-poos, who has lots of confidence but little skill (but big boobs, which I'm told open a lot of doors for her, and that she's "racking up bodies") was taken onto the WACA board, much to my dismay, and given a few crucial tasks to do on 9/1. After asking her several times if she had all the info she needed to do said tasks, and getting no response, I ended up doing her work for her. Days later, she responded and apologized, saying she'd been having a hard time. Why? I know this not from her, but that she'd slept with a friend's boyfriend, both also in the aca world, sending the friend fleeing from NY to TX. Does anyone have any foresight or worry that they might be burning bridges in a community that they wish to make a living in? I'm told noone really cares. This is not slut shaming, as I'm the last person to do that, but it's a refusal to think first about how you're going to affect your and others' careers by being reckless.

So I have no money, very little coming in, noone to talk to about it. Today I paid last month's car insurance. Tomorrow another bill is due, and then another after that in two days. Rent is overdue. I was asked to be the social media lead for a new educational org, to which I said yes, but it's a profit sharing thing, so I won't see money for a while. I am working on so many things, and nothing's getting me further.

I finally reformatted my external drive so I can use it with the mac. That took several hours, which is why I'd put it off for so long. Then I moved a ton of files onto it. Now I'm tackling why iTunes no longer works. Lots of time sunk into that already and I've been told I should make an appt with the genius bar. Today I also re-jiggered both my own sites, though I'm not loving either one of them. I'll need to redesign them soon. I did some work for Slab. I finished and sent off the files for a CD project. I sent off invoices for the former.

I digitally corrupted, eg "shattered", the image here and made it a mirror.

 [the stump cutting is still going on]

After seeing my cousins and their adorable little one year old (who, I'm told, is usually shy with strangers, but liked me immediately), I met up with the aforementioned guy. It was weird...but ok. If it happens again, that'd be cool, and if it didn't, that'd also be cool.

[omigod, the stump guys are finishing up and NEIGHBOR HAS RETURNED TO SAW MORE LOGS! are you fucking kidding me??]

Ya know, in a way I'm glad I don't own a house, because owning a house apparently means putting out a constant stream of noise pollution for your constant house upgrades, without regard to anyone else. I'd just feel bad. But noone else does, I guess.

[nope, stump guys are revving up again, now in chorus with log-cutting neighbor. can we break the sound barrier?]

I am frayed, and I am now dealing with several very unpleasant health issues, most of which have to do with the stress/cortisol. How do I get out of this rut and get out of here?

more wisdom from Louis CK

GROSS: At the risk of getting too personal, have you had your share of experiences where you wake up in the morning in a stranger’s bed and think what have I done, why am I here?
C.K.: Yeah, oh sure. I usually don’t make it to the morning in situations like that.
(LAUGHTER)
C.K.: I usually find a way to get the hell out of there, yeah. It’s usually right after the act. I’m like wait, this is such a bad idea for both of us. I’m upset for myself and her. Yeah, I think every - almost every single time I’ve had sex with somebody for the first time, I should’ve waited, pretty much 100 percent of the time I should’ve waited a little. It never hurts.
You get two benefits. One is you realize you didn’t want to after all, and there’s something about her that, you know, you didn’t want to get that intimate. Or you get more fond of each other, and there’s more to connect about if you wait.
GROSS: Part of what you just said sounds like a rehearsal for when your daughters get just a little bit older.
(LAUGHTER)
GROSS: Like take it from me, you should wait.
C.K.: Yeah, exactly. Well, I do think we should tell our kids when they start making these choices, tell them the real thing. Like don’t tell them hocus pocus, you know, spooky stories, you know, you’re going to get - someone’s going to kill you, Jesus is going to hate you if you do this. Tell them the truth, which is you’re going to feel crappy if you do this.
(LAUGHTER)
C.K.: You’re going to feel - it’s not worth it. Just wait. It’s a very big deal to be naked in a room with a human being - to be naked in a bed with another person. That is so intimate. That’s such a big deal. And when you don’t treat it like a big deal, you get confronted with how big a deal it is as a surprise when you’re - you know, when that urge is over that got you there. So yeah, it took me, you know, about 1,000 repetitions of the mistake to sort of start to think of it as one, which I think is probably pretty common.

http://www.npr.org/templates/transcript/transcript.php?storyId=313950799

birth of the cool

I am fighting with my macbook lately. It's dragging. I really need a new one, or at least a new hard drive (which I'm told could go in this), but that alone would be several hundred dollars, which I certainly don't have, given that it's the 2nd and...nevermind.

I need to get started on a CD design, but everything I do makes the little rainbow ball start a-spinning, so it's slow going.

-----------

I have been thinking about cool, and who has it and who tries to manufacture it. Because it's not manufacture-able. Confidence won't make it occur. I know a couple who got married this past weekend. Every aspect of the engagement and wedding were A Production. Multiple announcements, schmoopy messages back and forth, creating a hashtag for the wedding so people could tweet their experiences and photos. Posting their vows on Facebook so everyone can applaud them. These are people who are always nice to me but are also aggressively...too too much. They think themselves rock stars, they have a lot of money and no taste. So the wedding was, amusingly, tacky in their own version of rock star chic. They have tried to manufacture cool. They are not. But hey, I wish them well. Stay tuned for super-clever (in their minds) baby announcement, certainly imminent.

Then I was watching (again) the episode of SNL with Lady Gaga. In the song and dance opening number, she seemed so confident, so "check ME out!". It's not arrogance, it's something different. It's an air of "I'm impressing you, right? You're impressed? C'mon!", so...not cool. There's a point at which you can see her mental machinations, and she's thinking, "I am almost done with this piece and I NAILED IT!" It's relief, and if I can see that, the performance suffers.

And another performance of a friend recently where I could SEE him thinking, "you love me, I'm impressing you, you're in the palm of my hands" as he half-assed a vocal technique that takes years to learn and shouldn't be half-assed.

So maybe it's about (the audience) not being able to see the machinations (which a lot of people don't see, especially if they're not performers), but moreso I think it's a matter of cool, of real swagger (not egotism) - do you have it? Or don't you?