the view from here

The most dark and difficult time I can remember in a long time, if not ever. A culmination of bad things, a confluence of darkness. In the midst of it, I yesterday had to go downtown to do some alumni interviews with interested Kenyon students. I'd never done this before. I assumed it would be a group of alumni interviewing each student. In fact it's one-on-one*. And apparently this replaces an on-campus interview? That's what a student told me. Not sure if that's true. So I went to the 38th floor of this beautiful building (FYI, not the one the cop told me definitively was the one I was looking for, but it was funny to hear an Asian guy speak with a Boston accent), the office of some financial company, and "my" office was clearly someone who makes and deals with a LOT of money. Stunning views. This doesn't even convey how incredible it was. The state house with its gleaming gold top, sailboats on the river, helicopters coptering around.

I talked w/3 kids, 2 girls and a boy, who were adorable and impressive. So much promise and energy and enthusiasm. I felt like a fraud. And a failure. But that's every day. At least most people who go to Kenyon (she said, watching Allison Janney on TV) are successful.

Last night I was stressing (more) thinking about all the things I have to do, despite not being able to take care of myself. The list is ridiculous. None of it will be anything that satisfies or pays me enough to even cover bills. There are no luxuries, there is no joy. Things changed for me at that last gig. It somehow broke me further, or past a point that I can manage. I'm not sure music should be part of my "life" anymore at all. Onto the list:

- Kenyon interview eval forms
- somehow pay rent or move
- start Riveters CD design
- get check from Jon and photos for site
- followup with Walter
- pull the trigger and send the email to David about teaching again (likely not) - JUST got the rejection on this. not surprised. failure is my wheelhouse.
- posts for Slab
- posts for AEA
- posts for WACA
- posts for Nameless
- followup with volunteers for Nameless show
- more publicity for Nameless show
- followup with radio for Nameless show (after this show, I'm done. the venue will close just short of its 50th and that hurts my heart, but I cannot continue to do this on my own)
- deal with student loan
- more trolling for jobs
- (continue to) see what I can sell
- try to get out social media for musicians poster (a little done)
- laundry
- clean
- presents/cards for all the Nov people
- invoice Vance
- oil change (did inspection and recall repair last week)
- meet with dealer to commission Tosti pieces (at a fraction of what I thought I'd get)
- find someone to take care of Rocco over Thanksgiving

More I'm forgetting.

*this is difficult for a single person working mostly at home who is reverting to (my) monkey self, a la:

to New Haven and back

Last week, I went to meet M in CT. He was coming from OH to visit his father in Manhattan and wanted to get together, so I agreed to meet him there. I hadn't seen him in a long time. To me, he looked pretty much the same because he's never really looked young n' pretty, but trust me when I say that I have a lot of trepidation about seeing anyone I haven't seen in a while because I think I look like hell. He told me he was losing his hearing, prematurely, and now has hearing aids. How terrible for a musician. He said it runs in the family. That was the first time I made the connection that that might also happen to me, as my mother also has degraded hearing and has worn hearing aids for a long time now. And for as long as I can remember, it seemed like she had bad hearing. I think for now my hearing's still one of the few things that's stellar.

Anyways, he told me about his live in gf, who recently found out she has some sort of brain tumor. Whether benign or malignant, they don't yet know. She might be fine. She might not. They'd been talking about splitting up, and now he feels sort of trapped. Does not want to leave her if she's in for a long illness, but also does not want to have to be there. So he wanted to talk about it. But he thought she'd be upset if she knew he was meeting me, so noone knew. Seems ridiculous, as our involvement was decades ago. I was surprised he said he didn't have that many people to confide in, so though I did tell him some about what's going on with me, it's definitely not the unvarnished version. After that, I went to see my cousin who lives in CT, and it was great to see him. He also got the very sanitized version of how things are going for me, which is pretty terribly. Scraping bottom terribly. But I have few to talk to, and even my therapist, I think, has had it and has run out of things to say and has reverted to the bullshit that I've heard my whole life: "it's a self fulfilling prophecy" (eg, blame yourself), "of course people respond to you that way - you're miserable, your tone and attitude are wrong" etc. I think maybe I've worn another one out. I only wish it came with some help.

I understand that I could just continue to hit these lows, with no joy and no highs, and no love, and with people retreating (see above about my "tone" and now I just need a personality transplant) and while it will continue to erode me both physically and mentally, it could just go on. Until I decide it won't. I just don't know what form that will take, or if I have that kind of control. I know that I don't feel like I can trust anyone. It's not paranoia, but a deep aloneness.