studiotimes

it was very hot in that booth...

Last night I got called to do a last minute studio session, so while I was working during the day, I wrote and learned two harmony lines for two songs (multi-tasking!). Actually, I came up with more than one iteration of the harmony for each song so he had options. This is a guy who I've known for years, and he now lives in Indiana. He's the one I started dating when R insisted I see someone else. So it was him, the engineer (also a musician), who I've also known forever, and another musician friend, none of whom I'd seen in approximately forever, and all of whom I was in some sense involved with back in the day (no idea if they know that about each other). So in 5 hours we knocked out several harmony lines on two songs. We got J to sing on one of them, and he killed it. KILLED it. I had an idea for what might work, and it coincided with his idea, and then I layered two parts on top of his and it was just cool. He has this great scream-y rock voice that I absolutely love. Looking forward to hearing the final mix just so I can hear his part again.

And I had some thoughts:

- it was nice to be with people that I have a long history with, and who actually know me as a musician

- it was nice to be with people who like and respect what I do as a musician

- that said, I fucking hate my voice. I like the lines I write, but my voice annoys the shit out of me. It doesn't do what I want it to do or sound like I want it to sound

- when doing things for other peoples' projects, I'm much less picky than I would be for my own. If they're happy (and on the clock), I'm happy. Therefore, what we ended up using is not what I'd have gone with if it were my project

- the guy (whose recording this is) was great. I didn't really remember what I thought of him whereas I know the other guys very well, and he was easy to work with, appreciative, and fun to talk to (no, I'm not talking romantically - he's married with kids - just as a person). His music, however, is still not so great. Actually, it's not the music, it's his voice, which is just...well, it's technically not bad, but it's not my thing. The production on this, however, is killer. 

- I'm fat. Oh wait, that really doesn't seem like it has anything to do with this, but it permeates everything. I could give you 5 ways in which it impacted last night negatively. Must do something about that.

-------------------

Had a conversation AT Rocco today that went like this:

Rocco, you look sad. 
No, that's just me anthropomorphizing. You know how much I hate anthropomorphizing. 
Wait, no, THAT is anthropomorphizing. 

I need to get out more.


-------------------

It's a big family weekend, with a bunch of family gathering in Chicago for my stepmother's 65th, and my mother and stepfather in LA visiting the brother and sister. I feel left out. I'm not at either solely because I can't afford it. That sucks. I'm doing nothing. Another 4th alone. Fucking pathetic. And still very very sad about N. 

dilemma

so...mute the annoying ads on TV, or keep them on so I don't have to hear the running and falling and furniture dragging that goes on upstairs ALL THE TIME*...? Seriously, what the fuck are they doing up there??

*I still hear this with the TV on, just slightly less.

needle sharp

I'm quite enjoying this every-other-week schedule of allergy shots...until it's that day, which it is today. I think have a date with a needle...

11th hour save

I had this dream last night that I was on a bus with a bunch of people from high school though I think it was the present, and the driver went over this bridge that was only partially constructed, so we fell through it and we were falling for a long time, and I yelled that we needed to get out of the windows, and some of us crawled out the windows as we were falling and sort of held onto the bus and when we landed we survived, but about half of the people didn't. And we were at this house afterwards regrouping and I asked about my friend A and someone said she didn't make it and I just started sobbing uncontrollably. But then I got a text FROM HER saying that she was in CA doing something. She knew nothing about what had happened. She hadn't died! Yay!

I think it's interesting that my subconscious knew I couldn't handle the idea of losing her even in a dream, so it made things right in the end. Thanks, subconscious!

dreams and stawberries

Last night I dreamt:

- my sister took me to a McDonalds that isn't like any McDonalds. It served super-healthy food (a la Life Alive) and was in a multi-level indoor-outdoor building that was absolutely beautiful. In other words, NOT McDonalds.

- I was horrified to realize that I had a tuft of hair growing out of the back of my shoulder (!)

- that I was in some sort of group therapy session with N. I was not taking part, just observing. The leaders were trying to get him to free associate but he kept veering off into talking about how overwhelmed he was

-------------------

Last night was far more difficult than I even expected it to be. It was just...awful on so many levels. There's no use trying to articulate it. I just feel sick and sad.

I'm going to try to go to the farmer's market now, because I need strawberries and the ones in the stores suck. But there's a good chance I won't be able to deal with the cheery throngs of families and couples and I'll escape to the store in the end...

Not a good day. Feeling very alone.

UPDATE: that farmer's market was much more market than farm. Very few fruits and vegetables to be found, but lots of jewelry and breads and one lone, unamplified guitar player, singing to absolutely noone. Had to go to store for shitty strawberries, but they were having a two for one sale, so now I have two packages of shitty strawberries. 

the sign fell down. they'll come and fix it sometime, but for now it's on my lawn

need a voice

I wish someone would answer the phone.

tweets not tweeted

if you tell me you're "housebound" with a sick dog and then tweet about being at a show, I can see that ya know...and now I know you're willing to lie to me

------------------------

[unrelated]

When I was talking to him, outside, I realized that must have been the first time I'd talked to him for so long outdoors. Of course, we've talked many times outside, and for long periods of time (inside), but this time I noticed things I'd never noticed before because we were in the sunlight: that his bottom teeth are crooked and one of them is discolored (likely because he neglects things like regular doctor/dental appointments*). Once a tooth is discolored like that, it's either coming out or it's staying like that...until it gets worse and has to come out. It indicates something structurally wrong that, as far as I know, isn't reversible. I noticed the freckles on his arms. I noticed a few gray hairs, or maybe they're very very blonde, but I don't think so. But - fuck - he's still beautiful, and I have to see him tonight, something I'm not looking forward to. So sad.

*I did this in my 20s/early 30s too, until I wised up. Actually, I had to go to the dentist when things started going wrong (and when I broke a tooth in half, down to the gumline), not because of neglect but because of the genetic hand I was dealt, and at some point realized that there were things I could prevent by going every 6 months. That's another thing I'd really like to impress on people younger than me. Get your damn teeth cleaned. Also, not doing so is gross.

tryna keep cool...

turn down the heat, please.

Ug, every year I don't get an air conditioner and every year for a handful of days I'm fucking miserable. This is one (these are a few) of those days. It's in the 80s in here (about the same outside), and sticky. The ceiling fan + ocean make it somewhat tolerable, but each time I go into an air conditioned space, and then come out, I realize how utterly miserable this heat is, and how I'd like to be one of those people who just goes from one air conditioned space to another. I can't even wrap my head around people who like this kind of weather, who don't feel like a dripping, wilting, bloated, water-retaining flower, like wading through honey. Ug.

I can't decide if I should 1.) write to him, 2.) write here, 3.) write in a journal (rarity), 4.) write a song. I will say that in this whole thing, which has gone on for, let's see, over 10 months now, I've only emailed him once to clarify something. That's a change for me.

I am so absolutely not ok with any of this. I want my friends to once, ONCE, not be right about "how all men are". They generalize and tell me that "men" behave x way and he's just following the rules...then I get shit on for generalizing (which I rarely do). The fact is that they behave the way men behave when it comes to me, which is that they find or want to be with someone "better", and they do/are, and they have no problem resisting me. I'm never good enough, or compelling enough. I get small tastes, and then they go away. And I'm alone again. It's comical at this point. And very very sad, as am I. And because I haven't lost anyone, or broken up with anyone, noone will recognize what I don't have as something I should mourn. I'm told "the grass is always greener", or "love yourself", or "not everyone finds someone" (the absolute worst thing you could say to me. If you know me personally, please do not ever say this).

Forget it - I'm going to bed, and will be hoping for a temperature drop and to have my brain and heart wiped clean...

breaking

Yesterday met with and had a long talk with mtaf that was heartbreaking and enlightening. I am not prepared to recount that, but there was one thing he told me that was so, well, also heartbreaking and sad and sweet that I keep thinking about it. He was (and is) a super shy kid and apparently rarely even responded to people talking to him, especially adults (this came up because I was saying how my friend's daughter had come over earlier and wanted to know if I had soda but didn't want to ask me directly, so she wrote it down!). I asked him what he'd do when people talked to him, and he said he'd either nod or just not respond. And that when he was like 17, he was driving through a toll booth with his mom, he was driving and the toll booth person asked him how he was, and he responded, "good - you?" and his mother just started crying, because it was one of the first times he'd just naturally responded to someone in a somewhat "normal" way. It makes me wish I could go back in time and know that kid, because I imagine I would have found him just as intriguing.

when electronics decide for you...

No TiVo, that's perfectly ok to record 90 minutes of home shopping instead of "Sunday Morning".  That's definitely what I wanted. Thanks ever so much!

sleep study results

As I mentioned, I did a sleep study the week before last. Yesterday, I talked to the sleep study nurse, who told me that they did register some sleep and that there's some mild sleep apnea when I'm on my back. Now, I don't usually sleep on my back. In fact, I almost always spend a lot of the night on my stomach, but that wasn't an option with all the wires. They saw that I spent much of the time there with my eyes open, and awake (yes, there are wires monitoring if you have your eyes open or closed). She said my options are the CPAP, surgery, or some sort of mouth device. One of the reasons I really did not want to do this is because I do NOT want to go the CPAP route. I don't even think I can verbalize why. But I think I'll try weight loss first, and see if that helps. I wonder if they would see more severe sleep apnea if I had actually slept. But I guess I slept at least a little. I'm supposed to talk to my ENT, my NP or my neurologist.

But I'd really like a break from the medical stuff.

who's given up?

About as unattractive a look as I could ever imagine. No, you are not making those crocs work. Like, at all.

tweets not tweeted

I have a good amount of seething annoyance at people in their 20s who refer to themselves as "old" ironically/thinking it's cute.

memoir

New job is kicking my ass. I wonder if I'll know what I'm doing by the time the job ends. Truly. I said to someone yesterday that I feel like the stupidest smart person you'll ever meet.

Got to get Shawn Colvin's new book (and CD). I need to find out if C is in there. He told me they'd lived together and she stole a guitar from him and stopped speaking to him, but everything he said was questionable, so I want to see if he makes an appearance in the book.

Ok back to work. Sigh...

tweets not tweeted, initial edition

one of my least favorite things EVER is having to poop immediately upon waking. gross.

it started with a prelude

There's only one more episode of the first season of "Girls", and I hope it gets or has been renewed. It's so good, but as many good shows, doesn't have a huge viewership. And I'm watching it online because I don't have and can't afford premium channels, so I'm not helping. And people often don't know what to make of shows that don't fit the sitcom or comedy structure (or types of characters) we're comfortable with. That's why I'm surprised "Louie" has done so well. And it's fucking brilliant.

Anyways, in this ep, one of the...girls, who had been briefly flirting with (but nothing came of it) her boss, the father of two kids she took care of, is confronted by the kids' mother. And it's such a beautiful clash of all the heartbreak of being in your 20s as well as being in your late 30s/early 40s. The woman wants to know the scoop, wants to suss out how much of a threat this girl is, if any (she's not), wants to be mad at her, wants to advise her - all totally inappropriate and completely understandable. It's about as uncomfortable as you'd expect, but also elegant.

When I was in college, I was briefly involved with one of my (married) professors. And by briefly, I mean a month over one summer. He initiated it, it was an incredible power imbalance, and I was enamored with him so I went with it. He's a talented, smart guy and is only 7 years older than me, so he was in his 20s still. I was probably 20. It was intense and surreptitious. He told me if it were to end, he'd make sure to let me know in advance. Well, he didn't. He told her, and then he told me. That was disastrous. I had to spend months avoiding them, had to switch to another adviser, etc. And I have to take responsibility too. I can't just blame my age. More than once over that summer, after she found out, she'd come over to the apartment I was staying in, and sit in my living room, and cry, and ask me if I was in love with him. I wasn't, at least I didn't have any long term plans for "us", as I knew he wasn't available. But it was horribly uncomfortable, because I had no answers or the tools to know how to act in that situation, nor was I in a position to comfort her, or even put myself in her place. So that scene in the show reminded me of this. Someone older (though not much) plaintively looking for something from you that you're wholly unequipped to give. They divorced a few years later and now he's living with someone else. We're still friends.

thoughts

I wish anyone starting a small business luck, because 1.) we need more of them and 2.) it's tough to make them successful, especially now. But man, I wish that some companies would do their due diligence and hire someone with some marketing skills before naming their business. To wit:

www.innuwindow.com - not only did they choose a terrible pun that doesn't make sense for their name, it's very NOT obvious how it would be spelled, so I can guarantee they're losing business to people who heard their radio spot but can't find them online. Also, terrible website. Not surprising.

www.freshhair.com - is there some rule that hair salons have to have a stupid-punny name? I'm sure the owners thought that they'd appeal to to the NPR crowd, and advertise on public radio and that'd get them clients, and maybe it does, but it's dumb. Sorry. Adult companies should have adult names.

www.smittenkittenonline.com - No, just because it rhymes doesn't mean it's playful, flirty and fun. For this company, I would certainly support something playful, flirty and fun, but this isn't it. You can tell that not a lot of thought went into this naming: "we want something with 'kitten' in the name because that's playful, flirty and fun but not implicitly dirty, and...hmmm, what rhymes with 'kitten'...?"

Oh, I got distracted by The Book of Mormon opening of the Tony Awards. I so want to see this show.

Related to nothing, I got some new yoga/workout-y pants. Because they were from the jrs. dept, I got the XLs. I didn't try them on, but XLs are usually ok for me in jrs, if not too small, since most teenagers these days apparently weigh 97 lbs and the smalls literally look like doll clothes. But turns out these are falling off me. And I don't think it's because I'm smaller (unfortunately). They're just some rogue bigger-sized pants. If they don't shrink when washed, I may be unwittingly flashing some people around here. Sorry in advance, people.

the pain is back

I mentioned a while ago this intermittent nerve pain in my hip/lower back I've been having. It went away for a while and I thought it was gone. Well, it's come back, and it's intensified. Fuck. It's been shocking me the past few days, once more not connected to any particular movement or time or anything I can figure out. I can be doing anything, or nothing, or sleeping (it woke me up several times last night) and I'm shocked - literally - by this pain. Short jabs, maybe 7 or 8, and then out. Extremely painful, like being stabbed with a hot knife from the inside. I try not to yell. The neurologist I saw gave me a prescription for PT for this, but I haven't yet gone. I know that I worked my ass off on twice a week PT for my knees for months and months and would only be pain free for literally a few minutes afterwards, so I just have my doubts it would help, and it's a big time commitment. If I thought it would work, I'd do it though. Well, I'll see how it goes and if it helps to be more active, do more stretches, etc. I cannot abide this, it can't be just a symptom of aging that I'm supposed to live with. I see how my father has lived with astounding back pain for years, and I think there's a cumulative effect there.

about Shirley

I mentioned in my journal reading post that I'd written about Shirley, when I got her, etc. That was 13-14 years ago. I got her at the shelter here in town, and I'd been looking for a second cat and was going to shelters. I told the people at this shelter that I was "thinking grey" and they called me soon after that and said they'd gotten a grey kitten in. I took her. I did not name her; Shirley was the name she was given at the shelter and I thought it was cute. Trust me, if it was something I didn't like, I would have changed it. It wasn't complacency. I added Blue as the middle name, for her color. She was about 8 months old and had been found around some gas station. I've had her ever since. I don't even know how they could have captured her since she is scared of strangers and doesn't like to be picked up, but somehow they did. I lost two cats at age 10, so a little before Shirley turned 10, I started worrying about her and have done so ever since. But truth be told, she's been a dream, health-wise. Aside from one tooth that may eventually have to come out, and some weight loss (still leaving her within a normal range), she's been totally healthy. She still runs around (ug, as we speak she's eating a bunch of Rocco's FUR. I've never seen her do that before, and I must say I'm not happy about it...) like crazy, jumps really high, likes to go outside with me, knows a bunch of words, stands outside the kitchen when she wants wet food. She loves her Kitty Kaviar. She is the sweetest cat, my little unsung hero. She NEVER gets mad, doesn't have a mean bone in her body. I've only heard her hiss a few times in her life and they were times when she was scared. When she was a kitten, I painstakingly taught her to lie on me, and she now loves to stand or lie on me. If I'm in bed on my side, she likes to be on my hip; if I'm on my stomach, she sits on my butt! Or she's on a pillow beside me or at the end of the bed. If you're petting her, she's purring. She hops and talks. She has kitty stampedes with Rocco. Like I said, she doesn't like to be picked up (it scares her - don't know why) but there are ways you can pick her up that she'll tolerate, and even purr. She's terrified of plastic bags but likes to lick them (?). She likes to be high up, so if you do pick her up, she'll eye the tops of doors and any high surface and want to be up there. She warms up to some people slowly (again, scared). I hope all the time that she'll continue to be healthy because she's my Shirley.

Just wanted to say that.

she's standing on me

tune up the RV

I keep trying to write this but can't articulate it. I am exhausted by relentless enthusiasm, enthusiasm without a break. There's no way to say that without just sounding like a curmudgeon (oo, I spelled that right!). I suspect that part of the reason I can't muster long term, sustained, fever-pitch excitement is partially depression, partially introversion (and the need for restoration). But when I watch people engage in, say, ongoing WE'RE SO EXCITED!! type conversations on Twitter (I'm watching one right now), my response is, "just stop". Part of this one is because mtaf is involved, and he just seems to be showered with fantastic opportunities that he doesn't necessarily appreciate, though via his public persona he sure does. So right now a bunch of people are talking about a potential multi-group tour, so there's this whole "LET'S PUT ON A SHOW!! WE HAVE AN RV! ROAD TRIP!" thing going on. And yes, I feel left out because I don't have a group that I can throw in the mix, but that particular brand of somewhat contrived virtual excitement just tires me out. Likewise, another musician friend who, when she comes to town, has people meeting every night for dinners and drinks. I love that she does it and that she likes to be cruise director, and I'm glad to be invited, but that also, I find tiring. The volume level is just always so high that I can't breath and I just become...annoyed. Not outwardly or anything. Just to myself. And I wonder why I can't sustain or create that level of excitement, but I just can't/don't. Another flaw, I guess. Add it to the pile...

coming up

So we're either going to talk or we're going to act. Or maybe both. But at least one. And it'll go in the annals.

check's in the mail

Because things have been so particularly bad financially lately, I had to pay a credit card bill a few days late this month. It's never been late before and we're literally talking about a few days. I figured I'd take the late fee hit because...I had no other choice. Today I sent it off. And today I also got a call from the card company. Hardcore. The woman asked if she had the right person and then launched into a request for payment. She never said where she was calling from. "I have no idea what you're talking about", I said, and she then told me which card she was from. I said I'd sent that payment just today. She asked how much and I told her. She told me my July bill had "been generated" (I haven't received it yet) and she could take that payment over the phone. I said it wasn't due until July, so I'd wait for the bill. She kept insisting that because they hadn't yet received June's payment and July's had "been generated", I needed to pay both June and July at once, even though July hasn't, ya know, happened yet. I reiterated that June's was on the way and I'd pay July when I got the bill. I kept trying to get her to explain why I would need to make July's payment in June, and she just sighed, exasperated, like I was a complete fool. I asked several times, as she kept asking for July's payment. I firmly said I'd pay it in July. I mean, I'd already gonna get slammed with the late fee, so what the hell?? She relented, but never explained why she was insisting on July's payment in June. She then told me I could always pay online, etc. Great, great. Goodbye.

These maddening interactions I could really do without...every day full of little humiliations.

journaling

I'm not sure why, because it's usually never a good idea, but I decided to look through old journals last night. Just getting to them (physically) was challenging as I have things packed pretty tight, and very little storage space. I skipped over the high school and most of the college stuff, because...well, I'm just not that interested in that version of me right now. But I'm trying to get a fucking MOVE ON, and it feels like part of doing that requires taking as birds-eye of a birds-eye view as one can of oneself, to see patterns, to see where I've gone wrong and right. So I was looking at from after college to until they ended, right about 2000, when I started blogging online. All of those archives either exist online or on my hard drive/s somewhere. I first created and kept my own blog (on a Comcast space, I think), then Livejournal, then here. I think that's it. And it's always been under the name "watch what happens", so screw you, Bravo. My guess is that they would have come after me with a cease and desist at some point had I not been using that name long before they started using it.

Anyways, what I found is that much has stayed the same, dismayingly (not a word). I pine over men, sometimes for long periods of time, and they try to get away from me. I try to manage the relationships I do have, making up for lost time as someone who never dated (and was invisible) until college. I worry I'll always be alone, and I am glad that I didn't have a crystal ball to see that I'd actually still be alone at this age. That would have broken me (even more). It breaks me now. All I've wanted was someone to call my own. The thing that's changed is that in my 20s and early 30s I was clear that I didn't want something lifelong or super-serious (which is smart), but I did want a relationship, and sex. There were little notes and pictures tucked in, including the SWEETEST note from my ex David, something so loving and supportive that represents exactly what I'd like to hear from someone now. I worry about money, and have none (and that should definitely not still be, and is an incredible embarrassment to me), I wonder if I'll be able to actually make a living as an artist. I get excited about things coming up, and then crushed by disappointments. I move a lot. I get out of my masters program (I first wonder how I got in to begin with), I get into the NE School of Acupuncture but then don't go, I go to school for design. I mention some band conflicts, and when things are going well. We tour. I have lots of different jobs. I talk a lot about weight, feeling fat, feeling unattractive, even when I wasn't. A few times I mention feeling old, which is hilarious, as I was under 30 for most of it. There are Sawyer (niece) updates once Sawyer's born. I talk about Kelsea (cat), then getting Shirley (cat, and how she's weird and has big kitten feet), then Kelsea gets sick and dies, then a few mentions of Buford (cat). But I was surprised to find that, as much as is possible to look at this dispassionately, this wasn't someone I hated, and if it were...not me, I wouldn't think this person insufferable. And as someone who is generally self-loathing, this is pretty amazing. It's more that I'm disappointed that so much is still the same, that I haven't been able to fucking get it together, find someone, become successful. All that was well and good and expected right out of college, but now? One thing I never saw until now, is how R dicked around with me, for years. He's with someone else, he's not, he wants me, he doesn't, he's with someone else, he uses veiled language, he asks me what I think of him, he sleeps with me, he won't, he likes where things are (when we're just friends), he wants to date...as an aggregate, it's quite shitty. He encouraged me to see other people, so I started seeing someone else, and then he never wanted me more and launched a campaign to get me back (it worked, dammit). We moved in together...and then he broke up with me. He strung me along for far too long. And I never saw this at the time. I'm only seeing it now, so it's not like I am making that assessment based on anger that young me had. Young me didn't even realize he was doing it.

I'm watching "Girls", and loving it, and seeing the similarities and differences. But definitely feeling like I should not be looking back regretfully, as I am.

Orphan

I have on (not really watching) "Orphan". It's the best choice I have at the moment of my few channels. A 2009 movie about a family that adopts an "evil" little girl after their own baby dies. I find this premise utterly boring, and yet many movies, plays etc feature this theme. I wonder why. I mean, in high school, I was on the speech team and my friend A and I did very well with our "dramatic reading" from (the play) "The Bad Seed". The bad seed?? So it's persistent. Why are we fascinated with this idea of children that are secretly horrible? That itself seems horrible to me. But not interesting. Why do other people find it interesting? Why are movies with this theme greenlit again and again? Is there some inherent fear of children, of their secret thoughts and desires and lives that makes people want to probe it continually, trying to assuage that fear? I just find it absurd, and like I said, boring. But then again, I don't buy the whole idea of "evil", nor the devil, which is clearly a way of dismissing/rationalizing how a benevolent, loving deity could be ok with the random atrocities the world throws at us. I mean, look at the poster: "there's something wrong with Esther". Oooo. Cue foreboding music. Come ON - that's ridiculous, not scary. Even comical in this instance, as the girl's accent veers from British to Russian to Irish.

Anyways, it'd be nice if people let the whole "evil child" trope lie.

the upshot

oh god, it was what I feared but worse! there were 4 rooms, and they led each of us into our rooms. the guy setting me up never told me what was going on and was very cold. just sort of...flat. so what I didn't know (assume) is that they hook you up to a million wires. glued to your head, two in your NOSE (to monitor breathing), on your chest and back, and two on your legs. and then a pulsox or whatever it is on your finger, for pulse. this took about half an hour. so you CANNOT MOVE while you sleep. you can, but very little. and there's a camera on you and a monitor, and if you want to go to the bathroom (which I avoided) you just shout out that you do and they come and unhook you from EVERYTHING. so I didn't sleep more than a few minutes all night. the setting, the discomfort (any way you move your head, there are pokey things sticking into it, and I tend to sleep on my stomach, which wasn't an option), etc made it impossible. I just lie there and...tried (unsuccessfully) to sleep. several times I just wanted to ask them to let me go because I'm sure they didn't get much - if any - usable info. and I could hear the people who worked there talking all night. they were right outside. at about 5:30a he came and unhooked me and I went home and washed all the glue out of my hair and slept some.

these were all the wires attached to me

studying sleep

Today (tonight) I'm scheduled for a sleep study. It was scheduled months ago and now here it is. I have to leave in a few hours and as of this moment, am still undecided if I'll go. I am completely and utterly creeped out by the idea of being watched while I sleep. I know that some of this comes from something that happened to me on a class trip when I was a kid, but the whole thing just makes me uncomfortable. And if I do have sleep apnea (which is what they're trying to find out, I guess), I kind of don't want to know. I don't want to wear one of those moon-man masks to bed and suspect I wouldn't, though I'm a compliant little patient in general. That's just too much for me. I also have my doubts I'll be able to fall asleep at all. I go in at 8:30, and then what? I don't go to bed at 9, but more like 1 or 2. Then they wake you up at 6am. Argh. So I'm having trouble seeing how any good can come of this.

I had a dream last night about going to this thing, and the receptionist was very nice but then I ended up in a room with lots of other people and...I can't remember, but other not-good things happened. Then I was with Matt Damon and Jim Carrey, who were working together on a movie, and they were talking about someone they knew, affectionately, and Matt started to cry, and then I held his hand. For a long time. Just held his hand (sort of like in Louie's dream, below), and it was so nice just to hold someone's hand. At that moment, one of the cats decided it was time to throw up, and I woke up to clean it. It was 4:30am. 

Oh, I also saw mtaf briefly last night at the party I mentioned before. I was about to leave when he showed up, so I saw him for a few minutes. I had been there (held out) for a few hours, but then they turned the game on on multiple screens, and so incredibly, epicly loud that when I left my voice was almost gone. The woman I feared would be there was not, and it was nice to talk to everyone (such as we could, with the decibel level being what it was).