poop is always funny

I spent the bulk of the day putting together paperwork for bullshit things that need to get done (BTTNTGD) - copying, filling out forms, going to a notary to have one thing inexplicably notarized (30 min drive each way), mailing said papers at still-busy post office. Then dropping off my old vacuum cleaner - that isn't sucking right - at a repair place. It might be the end of its very productive life, but I'll leave that up to the experts. Bottom line is that I cannot be without a vacuum cleaner as long as I have a Rocco, or even if I didn't. To the bank. Talked to Dad, who is doing pretty well but whose biggest problem now is walking, since the back issues are still major issues. He's doing lots of exercise stuff there. He gets released from rehab on Fri, and his fears of the rehab place were unfounded as he says it's a really nice place with great people and even great food. Skyped with the SIL and niece and nephew, who sang, showed me their belly buttons, laughed about poop, and and showed me their new Legos (the kids, that is).

Now maybe I can get some work done, and try to find some new clients to replace the recently lost ones.

The birthday looms. I am horrified.

on the whiteboard

It's been a time. The surgery went fine (QUINTUPLE BYPASS), though it took several hours, and I said I was really afraid of what would happen after, and I was right on that. He's had many serious complications, including not coming out of the anesthesia/meds for several days. He just out of the ICU a handful of days ago though the surgery was almost two weeks ago. He was in withdrawal at first owing to his years-long painkiller addiction (and how that's managed now is still up in the air), was extubated and intubated a few times, was on a feeding tube when after several days he still wasn't conscious enough to eat. There were serious fears of pneumonia due to being prone for so long. There were fears of stroke and then, in the past few days, he's had a few small ones. Fears that blood clots would travel to his brain (all of these are still on the table). He was in and out of afib and is still in it, which increases potentiality for several things, including death. He's also had a few small heart attacks while there. In the first few days, you could talk to him but he couldn't talk back but would respond (hearing is the first thing to come back), then after several days he could actually talk. Actually, the first thing I heard him say was "oh shit" when they tried to move him. That told us he was still there. He was in massive pain not only because he'd just been pulled in half, but also because of his terrible back issues.

Meanwhile, we were all there, all 5 of us, though overlapping and sometimes not (eg, I never saw my stepbrother), trying to manage a barrage of info that was changing sometimes hourly, and each other. There were lots of side issues to deal with, financial and emotional and long standing familial. There were kids to entertain. There were others to keep updated. And we have and had several text threads going, one with just the kids and the SIL and one with 10 of us that includes stepmother's two brothers and their 3 daughters, who've been endlessly supportive. Keeping dad's sister updated because she doesn't text and her computer is out of commission right now. Keeping stepmother reasonably sane when she has been falling apart. Sometimes it's helpful to have a family of therapists, sometimes it doesn't matter. Issues with my mother and stepfather, and some good things. My mother was endlessly helpful, as she was an ICU nurse and knows well what's happening, what the possibilities are.

He's supposed to go a rehab facility near home (he's been 60 miles away at the Cleveland Clinic, which is a great place, but also...60 miles away from their home). So many issues to deal with, some I can't say here. He seems grateful and thankful. I hope we can get him on a more consistent upswing. He wrote these things on the nursing whiteboard before his surgery and taped them up with bandaids:

So sweet. 

The friends I've told have been so nice, checking in, esp since I don't (none of us 5 do) do the whole "post on FB and ask for prayers" thing. So only a handful of people know. It's just so up and down, I've grown to fear texts because each day it's another emergency. 

I took careful note of how different people are in OH than they are here. I've mentioned this to people who are from here and they insist it's not true, but it is distinctly, starkly different. People there are exponentially nicer. You have pleasant interactions with strangers all the time, because they're not closed off like they are here. Customer service starts at a much higher level. For example, I was asked to pick up a birthday cake for the stepgrandmother (who, by the way, just turned 97!) and needed it be picked up earlier than the scheduled time. The guy on the phone checked and told me I could get it whenever I wanted. They'd be there from 6am on. Here, that would not have happened. I would have been told that the time was the time and they could not change it. Even if they could. People in service here do not go out of their way, not because they think they're being dicks, but because the baseline for customer service is just so low and managers don't insist their employees ever go above and beyond. When I picked up the cake, a woman in the line let me go in front of her because I only had that one thing. She noticed and quickly told me to go in front her, no hesitation, because kindness is the default there. It isn't here. It's so refreshing to know that interactions will almost certainly be pleasant rather than the default being cold and closed off. Not that I'd want to live there again, and I do think people are somewhat nicer here than they used to be, but I'd like to be elsewhere. In the meantime, I'm gonna try to bring some of that midwest sensibility back east. 

health

hope

friends

love

family

a different kind of Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is usually our family's one big holiday. Christmas is the consumerist nightmare I just slog through, but Thanksgiving is raucous and fun. My father had decided not to have it again but then changed his mind. We'd do the thing. His health isn't good. But we said we'd help with everything. So everyone made their plans, coming from many states. Then last week my father was hospitalized, apparently after having breathing problems for weeks. He ignores things. They found that all of his cardiac arteries were blocked. They moved him to Cleveland (60 miles away), which itself came with some issues (that he had to be transported via ambulance, and would insurance cover that, + more). He is there now and has to have bypass surgery, supposedly Wednesday. Some of the family has canceled their plans (the CA contingent, and one newly minted doc who only had a few days off of her residency anyways), and my sister, who was supposed to go to Austin, changed plans and is now in OH. She's managing our stepmother, who is pretty much nonfunctional in any crisis situation. My brother and family had planned to come and still are, I'm driving (!) on Tues, and one of my stepmother's brothers and his daughter are coming (from Columbus and San Fran) and will be with stepgrandmother, who is in her 90s and lives alone. Stepsister and stepbrother are coming in at some point, supposedly. The food's been canceled, the turkey and all the sides, so we now have no Thanksgiving plans. I would have advocated to keep those in place and to keep a sense of normalcy, but my sister canceled it.

My mother and stepfather live in Cleveland, and have space, but are also paranoid and obsessively neat, which means they're cagey about having people stay with them. And they won't give any of us a key, nor can we come and go or be there when they're not there. This is, of course, bullshit. I cannot deal with free floating paranoia, esp when there's a "cost", which in this case means strained relationships with your kids. My sister was very frustrated with her tonight and asked me to call her after she'd had a conversation where (stepfather) chimed in in the background during the entire conversation though my sister said she did not want to be on speaker. They (mother and stepfather) act as a unit, and he is absurd. She is complicit. I think she wants to do the right thing, but he's somehow managed to impose his absurd paranoia on others and doesn't mind the results. Whereas you'd think that any parent would say to their child (or vice versa), "yes, come anytime, stay as long as you like, here's the key", what they do is hem and haw and reluctantly agree we can stay, but only when they're there, and they have themselves security-system'd in tightly, against...something. I talked to my mom after my sister did, and stepfather was again in the background (prompting me at some point to tell her to tell him he NEEDED to immediately engage his empathy and also to shut the fuck up), yammering on. I pressed my mother on why the paranoia and she said something about fearing things being stolen or the house being trashed. Yes, serious. I asked her why she would EVER think any of us, her own children, would do that and that there's no precedent for it, and she agreed, but said it's just their thing. So that's some of what we're dealing with.

Meanwhile, dad seems to be doing well, is on a fraction of the narcotics he usually lives on, and so is much more coherent than he usually is. He's been on massive painkillers for decades because of back issues and thinks it doesn't affect him, but it does. This may be a new leaf, or maybe it won't. We don't know yet. Must get through a very scary surgery first. I have faith in medicine and I know that this will likely have a good outcome, but it will be a long recovery and I worry about him not being all in for his own recovery.

We're adults now, so we have to manage these things like adults, even when that means managing our own parents. More money would make it easier (stay in a hotel, etc). I hate that money's an issue. Even driving there is expensive, and my car needs brakes, so it will be...interesting. I just want to be helpful, ultimately. For so long I've felt like a liability.

So, a different kind of Thanksgiving, and I hope that on Thursday, we will be able to be thankful, even if we have no food. 

A generation dropped on their heads

I never really thought that the "generation gap" was a real thing. I mean, all generations have disconnects from others, but the idea that they truly can't understand one another seemed like a vestige of the 70s, or the 60s, a pop cultural bit used in sitcoms and stuff. But I swear there are some things about millenials that boggle my mind, that I simply cannot wrap my head around, that make me think that maybe they were all collectively dropped on their heads or that they were administered some vaccine at birth that made them collectively believe/do dumb things. Some of those things:

• Beyonce. Aside from her laughably stupid name that's been normalized (obviously her parents thought that something that sounded French would pass for "elegant"), she is massively overrated. She's gorgeous and she is fierce and by all accounts a ruthless, take-no-prisoners business person. And I sure am glad she calls herself a feminist in an age where we're experiencing feminism backlash among people who don't understand their place in history. Her music is meh and without a massive production behind her, I suspect it wouldn't be that interesting. But the utter worshipfulness with which millenials talk about her is plain weird. That whole sketch about The Beygency? That's no joke. I think there are people who would hurt you for saying something negative about her. I might disappear after writing this. You'll know why.
• Sia. She has a beautiful voice and she sings beautifully. Her songs all sound the same, all wrenching and dramatic, and that's coming from someone who hates it when people say someone's music "all sounds the same", because often it doesn't, it's just that the listener isn't savvy, but in this case, it does. And her look is a gimmick. It's distracting, and how can she connect with all that going on? Yet millenials loooove her, that doesn't bother them. It does me.
• Tattoos. No, I don't think they're subversive or intimidating or counter culture-y, so let's get that out of the way. I also don't think the body is a good canvas, which is why they so often look muddy and faded. And because few people have good taste, there are lots of guys out there with those same stupid flames on their arms. So you look like you got half-assed tiger stripes on your body. Rawr to you. Are you aware they're permanent? Oh, you'll just have it removed when you're older? WHY GET IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?? Because: see above about being dropped on their heads. I cannot imagine what I would have tattooed on myself when I was 20 or 25 but I'm pretty sure I would not want it there now. Why am I not in the tattoo removal business? Because that's the business to get in on now when all these dumbasses regret their decisions in 10 years or so.
  
  More when I think of them!

Brutal murder + a few months = dating?

So at this point I'm pretty certain that everyone on the planet is having more sex than I am.

[Did ya miss me? I mean, did I miss me? Not really.]

The people I know who've recently left long term relationships have leapt right into dating or at least sex-ing. And they have no problem finding people they want to fuck. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? What is wrong with me? I know a woman whose (this is a terrible story, apologies in advance) boyfriend was recently murdered by her ex-husband, who is also the father of her son, who is about 9. He (the murderer) first texted his ex to let her know that he'd be doing this, then went to the boyfriend's house, shot him, barricaded himself in the house, a standoff ensued, and eventually he killed himself. Fuck, dude, really? I feel so sorry for that little boy, as this is now the story that will follow him around for the rest of his life. "Where's your father?" "Oh, him? He murdered my mother's boyfriend and then killed himself." M has been reaching out to people and the community has really embraced her, helped her out, been there for her. I'm glad. This happened on the last day of August, so we're talking about less than two months ago. Last week, M posted something asking which dating sites she should use.

Wait, WHAT?

Am I the only one who thinks that's a little nuts? I mean, everyone mourns in their own way, but this is a terrible situation and she was very much in love with this guy. Less than two months later and it's time to hang out a shingle? I don't think I'd be getting out of bed in two months. Am I the one who's standing frozen in place and this is just completely normal, this is how it's supposed to go? Why does NOONE think that spending some reflective time alone is a good thing? People who think themselves spiritual and thoughtful yet cannot be alone, and apparently don't have to. Now, I've been alone way beyond the reflective period, and it's not my choice, but...here I am.

Friends/family who aren't interested in relationships and aren't interested in sex are doing both, frequently, and though I'm still on a few dating sites, most interactions fizzle out very quickly after some pleasantries. No, I'm saying anything crazy. In fact, I'm just asking questions, showing some interest, making conversation. And that's where it ends. I don't know how it moves on to actually meeting someone. Am I supposed to say, "hey, please come see my vagina? here's my address!" How does this work?

I was thinking the other day about C, trying to chase down the root of why I've been alone so long, and remembering how I rarely saw him (I mean rarely, maybe once a month, twice a month at very most, and for a few hours at a time), how he made me jump through numerous hoops to make it happen and was terribly nasty along the way. When we were together, he was present and kind...and then he left. He never stayed over. He always had a reason he had to leave. I value myself in that same kind of way, which is to say: I don't. That sort of cemented my feelings of being valueless and inherently unlovable, and the N situation made it even clearer. They're both happily ensconced in relationships now. I'm still alone. Being loved is so out of the realm of possible right now it's just a hazy thought. Yet it persists. Dammit.

the olds, part...whatever

Last night I had a dream where two guys, one ex and one celeb I don't know, were both telling me I'd need to wait because they couldn't, um, get it up, because of their age. Even my dreams torture me. But I fear this is my future in actuality. At least according to commercials all men over 40 have these issues. I kinda pray that's not the case. HJ's been telling me about all the young guys she's hooking up with, many only once ("one and done" - I love that she's taking control this way, as it's usually men's domain) and she showed me a pic of a super ripped guy who she said "doesn't last very long". A little less working out/steroids, a little more fixing of the problem, dude. I wouldn't want to be with someone so insanely ripped even if I were thinner, because 1.) it's really and truly not attractive to me and 2.) it speaks to a self-obsession that is sure to inform the rest of his life too.

Mo Rocca's secret life

I had a dream the other night that (a young, beautiful, talented woman who is revered in the aca world, and has done a good bit of high profile stuff - like performing with Lady Gaga - already though only a few years out of college) was starring in a reality show with Mo Rocca where they were a couple. And that was the conceit - were they really a couple (since he's gay and out), or were they trolling? So was it a reality show or a "reality" show, though yes, I know all reality shows are "reality". Much more than most people even know. But in the dream, she described herself as something similar to what I describe her as above, suggesting that someone was jealous of her. And of course I am. I'm jealous of her. And hell, you would be be too. She's stunning, and people who see her perform, pros, will all tell you that she has "it". That star quality. She and her group (one of them), all of whom I know, are mildly mean-girlish, nice enough to but at a remove, expect to be treated like stars. I thought maybe I was imagining that, but when in Memphis other members of my team were not having it. They sound amazing, they're all very talented, but there's no genuine connection there. I know each of them individually, and they're what's unfortunate about the "post-feminist" time we're in. Not all young women are like this, but they are. The kind that do Crossfit and post pics of their bruises, but have to have their boyfriends open jars for them. Kinda the worst.

I guess I didn't expect to feel this terrible about how I look. It's hit pretty hard.

There just doesn't seem to be any reason to ramble on about minutiae. Is it interesting to anyone? I got a new computer. How's that for boring to anyone but me? That's a seemingly small thing that's really big to me. I got my last macbook used and in the past few years it's slowed down incredibly, though still chugging along. But I've lost a lot of work time waiting for it, and there've been tech constraints because of it. So my friend and client got this for me because it's what's needed to smoothly run teleprompter. And I am paying back via the work I do for him. This process took months, of looking for the right thing (even though it was always going to be a macbook pro, so it was just choosing new or refurb, and what the specs), of making sure it'd work with the system, and ultimately a friend of D's got us a discount. And this is new. To be able to go to the store and pick this up in its shiny, minimalist box...like being another person. I don't get shiny new expensive things. I want shiny new expensive things, and I take very good care of everything I own, but I usually get...whatever I can afford. But this...it's beautiful, it's powerful. Now I have to figure out how I'm going to get the Adobe Creative Suite, which is now only "in the cloud". Hence these photos not being adjusted. No Pshop on this baby yet.

I was Sandra Bland's control subject

I remember when Vance got pulled off a plane for reading a vintage airplane book a few years ago and lots of people went out of their way to send emails saying they just knew it wasn't racially based. Bullshit, as I could be on a plane reading the same book (and indeed would like to borrow it to do just that) and would never be noticed.

15 years ago, I was Sandra Bland's control subject (metaphorically).

In 2000, I was finishing my design program and was taking my computer (desktop, as this was pre-laptop days) to my computer guy for something and was driving down a road where a regular lane suddenly becomes parking spots, with no warning. Terrible setup, deliberately. So as I changed lanes to avoid hitting parked cars, a hidden cop pulled me over, took my info, and came back and told me there was a warrant out for my arrest, they were impounding my car and taking me to jail. I had no idea what was going on and was asking, over and over, why this was happening, and they said they didn't need to tell me. They took me out of the car and handcuffed me and put me in the cruiser and took me to the station. My computer and car were left behind. I said they couldn't arrest me and not tell me why and the cop said, "I can and I am" (direct quote). At the station, I was searched, my glasses were taken (without which I cannot function), I was handcuffed to a desk, my shoes were taken and everything else. I repeatedly asked why I was being arrested and was given no info. I was in a cell for some hours, sobbing, and calling everyone I could think of and noone was answering the phone (you're really only supposed to get one call but they left me with the phone so I kept trying people). At one point I had to go to the bathroom and they pointed to a toilet in the cell...the glass cell, with no privacy. I INSISTED they take me a bathroom, that I was not a criminal. They finally did. You think this would have flown with Sandra? Finally reached my computer guy who came and bailed me out. I went to a bank and paid him back and paid lots more to get my car back.

Turns out that SEVEN YEARS PRIOR my car insurance had lapsed for a few weeks and in that time, a warrant had gone out (??) and had stood ever since even though it had been up to date but for those few weeks. They claimed they'd sent letters, but I'd been in the same place and there were no letters. Eventually I went to court and it was declared unlawful arrest and expunged. I have no record. I told almost noone because I assumed they'd judge me anyways since the story is so absurd, I MUST have done something to deserve it, right? I never told anyone in my family to this day. And then I started to hear similar stories from other people that this had happened to. That they were using car insurance lapses that were long fixed to arrest and jail people. Seems illegal but here it's not.

The other fallout was that I was literally (in the neurochemical way) traumatized such that for months and months whenever I saw a cop, I'd immediately start shaking and crying. It was unlike me and it was not controllable. That's what trauma does to the brain. I was never a fan of cops, but that shredded it. I don't see them as the benevolent helpers we're supposed to. I think there are way more not-so-smart bullies with anger issues than we want to believe. These guys weren't the most horrible but they also never told me why I was being arrested and showed no compassion whatsoever. And then I was handcuffed to a table, strip searched (by a woman) etc.

If they were willing to treat ME that badly, it does not surprise me, in a culture where there are so many people either overtly or covertly racist, that they'd be horrendous to people of color. In this case, I was the control subject. So yeah, let's drop the whole "it had nothing to do with race" thing, shall we? If you watch her video, you can see the cop losing his grip as he requests things of her she does not legally have to comply with, and when she says no, he escalates because he's both unprofessional and annoyed and doesn't want to lose face, and not because of anything she did or didn't do. She can be angry, she can be pissy. But he's the professional and should have responded accordingly.

the sluttiest slut

I was thinking today in the shower, and I guess it could be expanded to a larger question of why people seem to think the worst of me, about how within a general population, one might call me "promiscuous" based on how many men I've been with (though not that many in the past x years, for sure). It's above average. According to this study, only 9% of women have been with more than 15 men. I'm in that 9%. Again, it feels funny to say this, since the last several years have been largely drought. And my sister and my cousin S and surely lots of others I know are getting WAY more action than me, and currently. But my cousin J thinks, and always has thought, in the most positive way possible, for with her I don't think it's a negative judgment, that I'm a prude. She thinks I'm cute and innocent. She thinks it's funny I don't drink or do drugs. To her, I may as well be Victorian. To others, I'm the sluttiest slut that ever slutted. Neither categorization is becoming or flattering. And neither is accurate.

I saw a friend tonight who said something about how I've put myself in a difficult position because I want to be the best of the best in my field. I think she meant performance, despite the fact that I have been essentially forced out of performance. And I have no "field". I have no career. Unless you consider failing a field. I'm a genius at that. I think what she meant was that I would accept no less than superstardom, so I'm destined to never have that. That's not the case. I expect nothing anymore. I'd like to just make a living, but even that doesn't seem possible.

I'm wondering if there's anyone who would just accept me as me and think I'm great AS IS. Without changing. Without alterations. Who'd think there are things about me to admire. I guess it's too much to ask, but since I'm being told I must "love myself" where others constantly remind me how lacking I am, how do I do that?

I am embarrassed to be me. With no cheerleaders or admirers or loves, I just can't create that kind of self-admiration in a vacuum.

Tonys-time

Today's been full of little sadnesses. A friend who wasn't interested in a relationship after a divorce is engaged; my niece is valedictorian of her high school and I can't be at the graduation, nor can I just send her a bunch of cash; for some reason I decided to watch a heartbreaking documentary about people who've come out of comas, and the saddest thing was the roller coaster their families go through, wondering how much of that person they'll get back, can they resume their lives like before, and having to revise those plans when the progress doesn't come (or falls short). And it's the Tonys. Which are always a bit difficult to watch. And I just realized: internet, I really needed you when I was young. I felt so far away from all the things I loved. Though we traveled a LOT (yay very grateful, because I certainly can't afford it much now), I never went to NYC until I was in college. The places where my dreams were happening were misty and imaginary, not something possible. Not even remotely. And I wasn't the ballsy, bombastic types that theatre likes anyways. I went to a theater camp when I was 16 in MD and when I wanted to keep in touch with staff and students, I had to write letters.

Technically, the internet's been around since the 60s, but not commonly used until the 80s/90s and I had zero interest in computers until after college, when I got super interested. And it wasn't commonly used [ironically, as I'm writing this, the Cleveland Playhouse just won the best regional theater award. Though I didn't do anything there, I did shows in and around Cleveland.] when I needed it most - the 70s/early 80s. I don't often make definitive statements about past unknowns, but I feel pretty confident that being able to feel connected and that things were more possible would have been very helpful for me, would probably have changed things. Ohio felt a million miles from NYC, even though you can actually drive only a handful of hours from OH and be in NY. I never really got that. It just seemed vast and impossible. And still does in some ways, though I'm years into the entertainment business in some senses, but not how I wish to be.

Had to stop to watch Michael Cerveris win best actor in a musical and best musical. We have some people in common so he's my Facebook friend, so I said congrats. Isn't it interesting that he and I are FB friends but there are actual people I KNOW, colleagues, who will not accept my invite?

Always at the wrong time. Always the wrong choices. Compounded. That's how it feels. Over and over.

I can't claim to remember all of my dreams, but last night I had a dream that I was getting married, and I don't remember ever having that dream before. In the dream, it was a complete disaster, getting there late for some reason, rushing into what turned out to be very cramped  and messy rooms to get ready, I had to take a shower, I'd forgotten things. Then when I was ready, people had already been waiting for a while, and I didn't have time to really put on makeup or my jewelry. That was the whole of the dream. I never got the wedding part, I don't know who I was marrying, and I never saw him. A glass half empty person would say that it was a terrible dream because I was rushed and things didn't go the way I wanted them to, and a glass half full person would say that it's great that I even had a dream about getting married. But I don't believe in that binary (empty/full), so I think it's both.

I've been looking at pics of the Kenyon reunion, which was also the Chamber Singers reunion. Sad to have not been back there for so long, and also glad, because even looking at pics and videos of big groups make me anxious. One of many situations where I'd rather not go if I had to go by myself, where I think I'd be much better suited to be part of a couple, not only because it would be more fun, but because there's a built in requirement when you're alone, where you have to explain why, why no partner, why no kids, why no career. And more and more I hear people say things like, "I don't know what I'd do without you" or "my partner saved my life" or "I never really lived until I had kids", or worst of all, "I was selfish until I had kids". All of those things denigrate those of us who don't have those things, make it clear that we're half-people, lesser than, and yet they'd never say that outright. But it's right there in the opposing verbiage. "I don't know what I'd do without him/her" means that I wouldn't function on my own, or I'd be a mess on my own. What about those of us who ARE? I think in many ways I AM a mess on my own because...well, I think I'd function better with someone. And science shows that. People who are partnered live longer, are HEALTHIER (oh the irony of coupled people having less heart issues), are happier, so when coupled people tell me "the grass is always greener", aside from making me furious, I know it's bullshit, scientifically speaking. The grass is greener on the coupled side of the street, or those who are in less than optimal relationships would be LEAVING THEM.

Tired.

am I Bruce?

My dreams tend toward the very detailed and active, but not often the scary. Even when I fall out of cars or do something otherwise potentially lethal, I end up unscathed because...otherwise the dream would be over. But in the past few nights I've had a few that have crossed that line. One where I and some others were being attacked by a knife wielding woman at the door who kept getting fed more knives when we'd get one away from her. Others were stabbed, but not me. And then one where I was talking to a guy in a theater (in the seats) and he said his name was Max and I said that's also my father's name and it was sort of flirtatious but then somehow became a sexual assault, cops called, etc. This is odd because this is not something I fear. Last night's dream was about being on the crew of (TV) show doing an interview about Bruce Jenner and ghosts (?)

I really must stop looking at my phone before bed because that's clearly contributing. But that they're chock full of anxious stories about having no home, that's me. And they're also always full of "guest stars" - either celebs or friends or family. Sometimes the people are random and I wonder what made them appear. Sometimes it's obvious. Ah, subconscious! There's a theory that everyone in your dreams is actually you. And that makes sense. After all, you've conjured them all, they're representative of something, and not necessarily a someONE.

Tomorrow I have a doc's appt I'm worried about. It's an appointment I've had for months because that's how difficult it is to get in with this particular doc, who I haven't seen before.

Disjointed and useless, this post is. That's how it's gone lately, and why I haven't posted in so long.

HAVE TO CHECK WITH HUBBY!

I'm an admin for a local FB page for buying and selling household goods. It's run by a group of women who are...unlike me. They're all moms and wives, Marblehead moms and wives (so, privileged). And the group is populated by same - women who just "have to check with hubby!" before buying something (there are men too). Always checking with the hubby, and they always use that word. Adorable, right? I imagine it in rainbow colors, like

HAVE TO CHECK WITH HUBBY!

...with, like, hearts and flowers around it. All I know is that makes me very sad and I'm sure, very pathetic in their eyes. No money, no "hubby", no kids, no Mhead house. Tonight I had to pass on a TV because I'm trying to sell my iPhone first, and though others in the group can toss around cash for things they don't really need ("I bought this for $250 and just don't feel like returning it, so I'm selling it here"), I can't. Sometimes it's just a background buzz, and sometimes it's a roar - the glacially slow laptop, the old tube TV, the bills. Tonight it's a roar.

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One of the WACA board members is married to another woman (not on the board) who is an amazing percussionist and an incredibly charismatic person. She goes around the country coaching vocal groups. She also grew up Mormon, and went to Brigham Young, where she was in the women's aca group there, and they were on season 1 (I think) of The Sing-Off. I think it was after that that she was kicked out of the group for revealing she was a lesbian, and she also left (or was kicked out? being gay is against their policy) the school. And I love her wife, my fellow board member, a beautiful young woman, smart and sweet. I had a drive (that was insanely long because we couldn't find the place we were looking for) with her and one other person where she was telling the two of us how her wife's parents were at this event, and that for the first few years they were together, they would not acknowledge her existence at all, so this was a big deal. Only very recently had she been invited to their house for holidays. And she told us that Mormons don't believe being gay is a choice, but that it IS a sin, and should be never acted upon. And because C's parents eventually acknowledged her wife and even invited her into their home, they caused a stir in their community. People used to just following blindly, raised in this hatefulness stew under the guise of "godliness". They lost friends. They still think it's a sin, but they also must know they have an amazing (gay) daughter who has an amazing (gay) wife that she's committed to. And they are so sweet together. You should see them. Wrong side of history, Mormons. Wrong side of history. It would have been a huge loss to them, the parents, if they'd shut out their incredible daughter (who I refer to as "human antidepressant" because she has that effect), and I'm glad they realized that. But I still think they're dicks. Sorry. I feel protective of my friends, even from their own parents. Noone should deal with this shit.

 (the blonde percussionist. when on the show, they made sure to dress the girls conservatively, as their school/religion dictated)

Extractions: it ain't so bad!

My extraction was so simple, shockingly simple. I did have a friend go with me, and it was very nice of her to do so, but the longest part of the procedure was waiting for the anesthesia to kick in (about 5 mins). The actual extraction took seconds and was pain free. My response: "That's it? Holy crap, you guys are good!" The oral surgeon wasn't particularly warm and fuzzy but man he was good. Then again, I'm told top molars are pretty easy to get out. I declined the hard core painkillers and only took the prescription ibuprofen. It's really all I needed. I had my teeth cleaned today and that cleaning hurt more than the extraction. Then again, she was brutal. Ow.

So that's a relief. And dammit, I got through it without passing out, and without sedation. That's a triumph noone else will understand but it's a big one. To be able to walk away from a procedure like that, that I was terrified of, without having passed out or seized in the chair...it's huge. I hate this fear and I want to conquer it.

Meanwhile my father was in the hospital for 3 days. Apparently he'd been sick for days before that but the reports I'm getting are muddled. That's how it goes. I'm never sure who I'm getting the truth from. They eventually decided it was food poisoning from eating oysters and squid, which is risky in OH. But it hard to get info because our stepmother's phone died and...the story goes on and on. So glad that's all it was (if that's all it was - again, we're never quite sure). I talked to him before he was released and he sounded fine.

Feeling anxious about so many things - money, career or lack thereof, the usual. It's a knot I can't untie. I was passed over for judging at a big event yesterday and was stewing about that. This year, the year the show is also a reality show (not to mention Pitch Perfect 2), I am sort of demoted to lower level events? I can't think too much about what that means. It's hard to square since when they refer to me it's always as one of the veteran judges, how much I'm appreciated, etc. Then I got a panicked call yesterday asking me to judge as one judge wasn't responding. Yes, I'll be there. I'm getting dressed and get another apologetic call. The judge has appeared and it's...the guy who headed my team at CASA, who was maddening to work with, and completely unreliable. Shocker that he was unreliable. And somehow wasted my time, again. I declined my comps and didn't go to the show though apparently the PP producer and Hunger Games actress was supposed to be there.

And...

• My awful Secret-loving cousin who keeps insinuating herself deeper into our sibling unit. She recently posted some quote about how women have a choice to become bitter and terrible or be light filled and joyous, as if there's such a thing as a wholly bitter or wholly joyous person. That kind of dumbassery... I can't deal. I like things to have more shades, thanks. 
• How terrible I look (and knowing it keeps me invisible). So much so that people say to me, "I didn't recognize you", and I know what it means. It means "you've disintegrated and look terrible and I didn't recognize you because you used to be attractive". That also, I can't quite face it, and yet can't ignore it. 
• Having no future, and being surrounded by people who do
• Doing another small design thing where all I am is facilitator, where I'm asked to change this and this and this and this until all design is leeched out of it. It's what Raymond did to me too down to the featureless fonts he insisted on, and then he decided we could never work together again. I am not precious about design (truly) but I also don't want to be your Photoshop robot. Awful esp since...
• ...I no longer really do anything I'm passionate about. I have no music. I just facilitate other people making music. And I have no career.
• All the new scratches on my car from getting feet and feet of snow off of it over and over again. Despite how careful I tried to be, it's hard to get several feet of snow off your car without scratching it. 
• The "spring" where it's still below freezing every day. I heard someone say today, "we're having a great winter this spring!" and I laughed out loud. It's absurd. You want water in a liquid form in your car? Don't leave it in there overnight, because this is the tundra. The howling winds, cold feet, the ridiculous heating bills.

We're going to have a massive trash and dog poop issue when all this snow melts (sometime around June, I swear). It's gonna be a gross spring, if there ever is one. At this point, it doesn't even feel possible.

I'm taking my very cold feet to bed. 

few things

Tomorrow's my extraction. 10am. I know, because I know how vasovagal works, that it'll be a fight with myself to get into that room. I've also been assured by my father and others that it really isn't that bad, but when it comes down to it, a tooth is still being removed from your head and I can't imagine that being a gentle process. And it makes me sad. I don't want to lose a tooth.

--------------

SheSings went very well, though more than any other festival, this was exhausting. And though I assumed it was just me who was exhausted because I'm the oldest, it seems everyone felt the same. Hurting feet and backs, and just bone tired. And yet, we heard that the team was stealthily efficient, there when people needed (us), making everything work. And we did have glitches, but none that were particularly terrible, and all that are being cataloged in a a spreadsheet of things to improve for next year. As per usual, I was overwhelmed with a feeling like I was doing everything wrong, not being effective enough, too old. I stayed about half an hour away at my stepmother's brother and his wife's place (and also got to see one daughter + her boyfriend, and another cousin). Their house is beautiful and in a beautiful location, but as I was warned, it's in a constant state of construction and it's a mess. I guess when I was a kid, I assumed that most adults had nice, clean houses. And that people who were confirmed slobs were outliers. Now I'm not so sure since I know several adults who are comfortable in very very messy and/or outright dirty homes. I cannot imagine having someone over and saying, "here's my mess - enjoy!" because not only is it gross, but it also is kinda...inconsiderate to your guests. Were it me, I'd be mortified, but not everyone is. In this case, though I'd been told a room was ready for me, no room was ready (though there were several options) and they had trouble finding clean sheets (I'm not sure the sheets I ended up with were clean - let's not think about it too much) and towels, the bathrooms were disgusting, etc. I don't mean disgusting-to-a-clean-freak kinda disgusting because I'm definitely not, but just disgusting. Then again, not the worst I've seen. If I had that amazing house, I'd want it to be done and clean. But they're comfortable with it a perpetual mess, as it's been under construction for years and years. They're great people, albeit wacky and it's always fun to see them, though I didn't see them all that much.

Anyways, people seemed really moved by the festival, lots said they loved the vibe, the team is great, and we continue to establish the org. We had men and women of all ages, even some (amazing) kids. I even did some recording in this one, for our collaborative track.

--------------

I've met several wackadoodle middle aged women, the kind who laugh and talk too loud, who just read as "off", who are usually artistic in some way but are also super annoying. I'm finding I have zero interest in them. Met another yesterday and just am over it. I don't think I've yet met the male equivalent, though there must be such a thing. They suck up the air in the room. Bleah.

--------------

good old #16

So that's a panoramic x-ray of my mouth. The left side is on the right. You can see all my dental work. A lot of it. I found out recently that I have to have a wisdom tooth removed (top very right tooth, #16). I have all my wisdom teeth; I've never had an extraction. It's abscessed though not hurting and there's some bone loss (what the FUCK, teeth?). Eventually it will apparently compromise the tooth next to it. I saw an oral surgeon today and he reiterated that it needs to be removed. The options are conscious sedation + novocaine or just novocaine. Now herein lies my problem. As someone who has never:

- been drunk
- been high
- taken a sedative
- had anything other than the most minor of procedures
- had a general anesthetic

the idea of being "checked out" is equally as terrifying to me as the procedure (which is: pretty damn terrifying). I used to watch my father do extractions and they always sounded awful. Noone reacted particularly horribly, they just sounded awful. I have a low pain threshold, a tendency to vaso-vagal out, and a fear of not being there when I'm there/being out of control. So I'm going the novocaine-only route. If I went with the sedative, someone would have to drive me, and thus I'd have to beg someone to drive me, and all of that...makes me feel even more pathetic. The doc said it'd be akin to (the many) root canals I've had, and probably take less time. This makes me feel slightly better, but when I'm there next month, I will be scared shitless to walk down that hallway. My BP was sky high today, and this was just the consult. And this is yet another situation where it sure would be nice to have someone there, to not have to do everything alone.

The whole situation just makes me sad, and worried, because will the teeth shift? Will this lead to more problems? When can I address the crowns that need to be replaced?

cracking

Per the last entry, I filled out Uber's form and they still haven't sent me an envelope to send the phone back. Next step is to restore it and sell it, I guess. I'm sure when it comes down to it, Uber doesn't care about or need this phone. More research needed.

----------

When I was a kid, probably 10 or so, I was on one of those old playground merry-go-rounds. Like this one, you know? In fact, this one looks very much like it. And it had a hole in the center of it and somehow my foot got caught in the hole while it was going around my foot bent and bent...and then broke. I remember hearing it break, then lying on the ground in pain, and people hovering over me. Some woman came over and said, "STOP CRYING or you'll have to go to the hospital!" And I said, "YES, that's what I want!" My foot was broken. Thus began the summer of the cast, where active little me (and this is when we had a pool) had to get the cast replaced at least 3 times because I kept wearing it out. And swimming in it, with my leg in a bag, despite orders, because I could not be kept out of the pool.

Anyways, it was an early lesson that adults are dumbasses. "STOP CRYING or you'll have to go to the hospital!" Really?? I'm not faking, lady.

----------

After judging an event last night (and seeing my brother, in town again because: fucking snow), I have finished the artwork for and uploaded all files and info (the most recent in many many steps) for the WACA compilation that will be debuted at our festival next month. Huge job, producing this thing. Then I sent out some followup emails to 3 kids that I'm going to be interviewing for Kenyon. Some WACA posts. Sending out an invoice. Now onto several other things, and a phone meeting at 6. This is Sunday.

I have my heat at 60 and sometimes, no matter what the temp outside is, it's very very cold in here, like now, and sometimes it seems too warm, even though I have the temp set to stay the same all the time. And no it's not hot flashes or anything. Not into that yet, dammit! I think that's just what happens in a badly-insulated house. Right now...too cold. Way too cold.

Last night I had an ongoing, upsetting dream about my sister where I was trying to talk to her about our cousin I don't like but she has an attachment to and we were going from location to location and I could not get her attention. Then we went to see "50 Shades of Grey" at an outdoor theater, though in my dream and in real life I have NO interest in that movie or book, and we sat behind a lumberjack-y guy, my type definitely. She immediately, and I mean immediately starting seriously flirting with him, as usual leaving me in the dust. This has always happened, from the time she had all the boys in her sway when she was way too young to be doing that, to when we were in Greece and she was married and a guy literally ignored me while I stood there and he flirted with her and invited her to a party. It made me cry and she was sympathetic but I also think she doesn't quite understand why I don't stop being fat. Just fucking do it. I'm the clumpy, ugly, fat ducking. And now she's single, dating more than me. I guess her being relentless about exercise makes it such that I should just suck it up and either accept being ugly or do something about it (and weight is only one issues - others I can't talk about), but all these years alone are so hard. I feel so horribly unattractive, when I look in a mirror I'm shocked at how disgusting I am. Is this it?

sick sick sick...and Uber

I've been so sick the past few days. The flu or something. Nausea and all the related unpleasantness, chills, dizziness. I couldn't be upright for more than a few minutes. Tried twice yesterday to get in the shower but just couldn't stand that long. Or sit. My mother wanted me to go to the ER (a nurse who is not prone to overreacting) but I couldn't drive, and didn't anyone who could take me. I also wouldn't have been able to sit in a chair for hours. Today I feel better, but sort of like a truck hit me. I don't know how anyone can get drunk knowing that they'll likely throw up. It's something I would do just about anything to avoid. Yet another reason not to drink. Then again, I didn't eat for a few days, so...

---------

In the fall I thought about being an Uber driver. Did the application and sent in all my documents. And then was accepted. Immediately I started getting bombarded with texts and emails telling me to "get (my) phone". Get my phone? Nothing in their documentation says anything about a phone, and I had to write to them 3 times before I got a straight answer - you have to either have an iPhone, or rent one from them for $40/month. Their app does not work on Androids. Come get your phone at our local office, or contact us and we'll send you one, the messages said, over and over. After lots of other bad press and with this realization, I decided not to do it. I ignored all the texts and emails. Then, oddly, I got a message saying, "Thanks for applying to be an Uber driver. We are currently unable to accept your application, but we'll keep you on file". Huh? They'd already accepted me. Out of curiosity, I texted back one of the many texts and asked what that was about. I was told, "oh, that must have been a mistake - you're all set to drive" and then texts and emails began again. I ignored them. Then last week, a package arrives ... with an iPhone in it! And various accessories.

I contacted them again and said I'd never asked for the phone, and wasn't going to drive. "Oh, sorry for the mixup - just fill out this form and we'll send you a pre-paid envelope to send it back in, and we won't charge you for it". Charge me? Pretty sure they don't have credit card info for me, so I'm not sure how they'd charge me, but whatever. I'll send the phone back. And after the message, where I was told my account had been deleted, I got another email telling me that I'd been approved and was set to drive! What?? Clearly their process, aggressive though it is, needs some refinement. They seem to really not have their shit together.

congrats to everyone else

So, today (or yesterday, I'm not sure) N and C got married. I've tried to keep away from all the accolades and have hidden posts as I've seen them, but I'm also on social media today, doing work for various clients. I no longer have feelings for him, and this (marriage) makes sense. Her age, super talented commensurate with his, so outgoing that she's the ultimate social/party planner to his introvertedness. Still, it's been rougher than I expected. While he gets to say how very happy he is and everyone praises them, it's all so very far away for me. And whereas an introverted guy is adorable, an introverted woman is a liability. I'm currently reading a book about how positivity is actually harming us, and it's been a comfort to read, to know that other people recognize (backed up by research) that relentless sunniness should not only not be a goal, but that in denying the whole spectrum of emotion, we miss a lot. It's more complicated than that, of course.

I've lost the ability (or maybe never had it) to describe how this alone-ness wears on me. I try not to think about it, but it does creep in.

time for a nap

Get up, and right into:

- feed kitteh
- gather trash and recycling; put it out; new bags in trash cans
- clean litter box
- clean dishes
- start iced tea machine
- restart this crashed browser twice

Now to start work. 

openly secular

I've been delighted to discover that more of my friends than I knew are humanist/atheist. And also sort of saddened that it has to be approached so gingerly, still. I think many many more are than talk about it, and even some people who are "religious" are but for any of several reasons, won't come out. But I've now mentioned it (gingerly, not trying to coerce, just as part of conversation*) to two friends who've replied with exasperation, like, "ug, you're one of THOSE??", as if I'd said, "oh by the way, I'm an angry militant feminist" (in actuality, I'm a feminist, just not the angry militant type). Last night it was one of my best friends, who I know is not religious, but he insisted that "atheism is just another religion", which I was so disappointed to hear, because it's a thought-less comment. Ridiculous, really. It's not even an organization, even though there ARE lots of organizations about it, none of which I'm part of. But if I said I were devoutly Jewish or Christian, there wouldn't be exasperation. There'd be at least feigning of respect. At best it's a clear misuse of language. "But you BELIEVE in nothing". A belief does not a religion make, and how does one believe. in. nothing? By definition it's not possible. It's a religion like not playing tennis is a sport.

I remember talking to the members of Postyr when they were here performing. It was their first time in the US. And we were on the east coast. They'd just been in New York and were now in Boston and they were really surprised at how religious everyone seemed, so many churches. That's not the case in northern Europe, they said, where religion is, well, not that common anymore. And that's the direction in which we're headed globally. And despite the various actual churches' contentions that this represents the downfall of society, it's actually the opposite. It's enlightenment, it's us collectively realizing that these structures and tenets that we created for various reason, to explain and control when we didn't have the information we now have, are no longer needed. And that's beautiful. In the meantime, I'll still be careful about how I talk while still talking, and careful not to alienate my friends who are religious, because I value those friendships.

*eg last night, this friend said how he loves the ultra-liberal, conservative takedown posts on Facebook, and I said I like the humanist/atheist ones. I was not trying to start a conversation about religion or lack thereof.

2014 book, movie, TV series list

I left out concerts and live shows because that list is incomplete

* = recommended by me, for what it's worth

MOVIES:

Saving Mr. Banks
Her
Bronies* [documentary]
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty*
Inside Llewyn Davis
Nebraska*
The Incredible Burt Wonderstone
Robot and Frank
Let It Be [documentary]
Blackfish [documentary]
Wolf of Wall Street*
Sick [documentary]
Grand Budapest Hotel*
Unhung Hero [documentary]
Escape from Tomorrow
Mr. Nobody
Life Itself [documentary]
12 Years A Slave
Tammy
Camp (again)*
Secretary
Maidentrip [documentary]
Elaine Stritch: Shoot Me* [documentary]
Zardoz
The Unbelievers* [documentary]
Rock and Roll Nerd* [documentary]
I Know That Voice [documentary]
Ordinary Child
Tim’s Vermeer* [documentary]
When Jews Were Funny [documentary]
The Final Member [documentary]
Whitewash*
The King’s Speech
Coherence
St. Vincent
Dallas Buyers Club
The Theory of Everything
Burt’s Buzz [documentary]
Transcendence
Gone Girl
Still Alice
Birdman*
Unbroken
Sunshine
Foxcatcher

TV SERIES OF NOTE:

re-watch some “Louie”s*
Girls season 3*
Portlandia season 4*
Comedy Bang Bang season...2?*
Maron*
Louie*
Derek*
Masters of Sex*
Orange Is the New Black*
Happy Valley*
Lilyhammer, season 3*
Black Mirror, seasons 1 and 2*
re-watch Louie CK “Chewed Up”*

BOOKS:

Girl With The Curious Hair / David Foster Wallace
Downtown Owl / Chuck Klosterman
At the Point of a Cutlass: The Pirate Capture, Bold Escape, and Lonely Exile of Philip Ashton / Greg Flemming*
Tibetan Peach Pie / Tom Robbins*
The Wes Anderson Collection*
Bunker Hill / Nathaniel Philbrick (part of)
Not That Kind Of Girl / Lena Dunham*
Yes, Please / Amy Poehler
Tepper Isn’t Going Out / Calvin Trillin

whirlwind nomance

Happy New Year. No year-end sentimental wrap up for me. That's best left to people who feel hopeful about the year ahead or philosophical/proud about the year just past, but for me it's just been another. Still poor, still single, still struggling, still here. I'm trying to make tiny inroads to change things, and I don't even know if it's worth stating what those things are. Some I don't want to. Some are things like: I've been weeding out stuff, getting rid of books and throwing out (recycling) files for old clients. Getting rid of old paperwork. Donating clothes. Trying to streamline so that when I do move, it might be a little easier, and it might psychically spur me to get going, wherever that may be. A lot of stuff I can't access easily because it's in boxes in closets and hard to get to. Not sure it's time for that big project yet.

I started to watch the movie "Snowpiercer" last night but couldn't take much of it. I actually feel a little sensitized since I also just saw "Unbroken", and despite having read the book, I just couldn't tolerate another movie chock full of violence against individuals, people getting beat to shit, etc. So I then watched "Don Jon", which turned out to be surprisingly sweet. This dude - this guido - who sees and interacts with women like one dimensional characters and thinks porn is better than sex with a person. He burns through a relationship with Scarlett Johanson's character because she's an asshole with an agenda, and so is he. Guffaw to him going to church every week to confess his "sins" of sex and porn and being absolved and told to do such-and-such for that absolution. Ridiculous. Then he meets an older woman (Julianne Moore) who ends up teaching him - and not in a cheesy contrived way - what it means to actually BE with a woman. Because she knows herself and knows what the fuck she's doing. Yay older women!

I've noticed that all versions of observable romance, however, tend to leave me cold now. Everything seems unappealing to me, nothing seems sexy or real or aspirational. Where are the romances for me, or have I just shut down? My last experience was just a trifle, was incredibly disappointing, and was not repeated. I see lots of examples of relationships and couples I can identify as what I don't want, but none that I do. And it worries me. Because now I'm really beginning to feel like I must be broken, there must be noone for me. While others live whole lives in x period of time, I stay single and the same. My sister is now/already dating more than me. She's not yet divorced. It's a sort of numbness. I'm sad, and I'm worried.