about Liv

I was looking forward to meeting Livingston Taylor at Swannanoa. His book Stage Performance has been my performance bible since I read it. In fact, I tried to find the book so I could take it and have him sign it (and read it again), but it's in a box that I can't access unless I empty that whole closet and go through all the boxes. Ahh, the delights of renting and not having your own home/storage space.

that's Liv on the left

One of his Berklee colleagues, who is a friend of mine, said, "he's a very nice guy but he's CRAZY. I think he did too many drugs." The one guy I knew in advance of the event said that Liv tends to keep to himself, not wanting people to hound him and try to get to James (his brother) through him. I didn't find that to be the case, though I can imagine that that probably happens to him a lot. At our staff meeting, I introduced myself and told him how much I loved his book. He took my hand and told me how nice that was to hear.

I didn't expect to perform at the staff concert, but ended up doing so, and he closed the show doing this GORGEOUS quiet version of "Somewhere Over The Rainbow", and he brought all of us - the instructors - on stage to sing, and the whole audience (all musicians) sang along. It was so nice. I felt simultaneously like I belonged there and like I didn't.

I had intended to go to all of his classes, since they didn't conflict with mine, but I found that after I'd finish my own classes, I had to go decompress for a while, or start prepping for the next day, and I didn't get to his class until the last day, Friday. Each time I've heard him speak it's like a revelation. Like, bits of holy wisdom. He's prickly, but he's brilliant. A natural teacher. The opposite of me. This class was in this outdoor pavilion, so the setting itself was beautiful. And he had people perform and assessed them. He was tough. He was good. He also handed out LT's Takeaways during the class. All of these things should be studied by all performers, maybe even non-performers. He was teaching stage performance, and when someone asked him specifically about the song he'd played (which this guy had written), he said that he was only there to assess performance, not songwriting. He wasn't mean about it, but he kept things very focused.

Liv has a uniform. He wears khakis with a belt or suspenders, a blue button down long sleeved shirt with the sleeves rolled up, over a long sleeved henley shirt, with a bow tie. Practical shoes. He wore this every day, even though it was hot. I think he's aware that's his branding, but it also strikes me as what a patrician, Brahmin-y New England guy like him would wear. Like, old money artist. It works.

What does Livingston Taylor sound like? A lot like James, it turns out. Like James with the slightest bit more grit. I wonder if he would agree...? But he's a force. I think he's aware of it. And that's ok too.

See everything. Know nothing. 

gift giving

It was Drexel's 1st birthday recently. There was a big party for him in the Chicago area and most of my family was there. Now, noone told me this was happening until a few weeks out, so I didn't even have the CHANCE to go. I'm trying not to feel too shitty about that.

But I did send a present for both kids. And I asked my brother and SIL if they wanted it sent to their house or to Chicago and they said Chicago. So I sent it and made sure it would get there while they were there. Remember that I've lost my main job and it's even more fume-y here financially than it usually is for me. I had to ask them if it'd been received and the only response I got was "Nathalie's mother is going to FedEx us everything back to Atlanta". And that's all I expect to hear.

I don't think I'm going to send presents anymore. People are apparently so inundated with gifts that they can't bother to acknowledge them. Frankly, I think that's bullshit. Entitled bullshit. I once said this (that I think people should at least acknowledge getting gifts) to my sister and she told me that it was "small" of me to expect any acknowledgement. That you should just give and never expect to hear anything. I don't need a solid gold card sent by doves, but a text or something, especially now when it's so easy to do. Apparently that's asking too much. And I'm "small" for wanting to know that something's been received. To me, it seems logical, but I guess I'm just a dick. I cannot imagine getting a gift and just never contacting the person that sent it. I'd feel horrible doing that.

I'm late, I'm late...

DREAMS:

I'm judging some a cappella event, and it's very big. I think it starts at one time and I have plenty of time but in fact it starts an hour earlier and everyone's already in their seats. In fact, everyone's just waiting for me, pissed. So I'm running though this massive venue, backstage and dodging performers, and through kitchens and down halls, and I eventually get to the auditorium and am climbing my way through rows of seated people. I come to a woman who is holding a disabled girl in her lap. She is FURIOUS to have to get up and says something like, "why are people so TERRIBLE??", directed at me, of course.

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I am trying to get to a flight. I'm at an airport that's very small and am asking a woman how to get to my gate or something. She's very unhelpful and sort of talking in riddles. Time's running low and I ask her to just give me the info I need. She is aggressive and tells me I'm not giving HER the info she needs to help me. There's also some sort of bakery there and I see this strudel type thing but then find out that it's $27 and I change my mind. Ain't no strudel worth that!

sending the clowns

DREAM:

I am taking a voice lesson. I am very nervous. I go into a beautiful room in a school and it's clear they've given (the teacher) the very nicest room because of his status. He's just starting there or is a guest instructor. He's tall, thin, distant, arrogant. He is in a suit. The room is cluttered. I'm wearing high heels and feel VERY tall. He doesn't start with exercises or ask me anything about my background. He asks me if I know some classical piece. I say I don't and he sings a bit of it. I say I recognize it but don't know it. He seems disappointed. At some point he takes out and slowly puts on a long, royal purple cape, completely unironically. Now he's wearing a cape. He starts playing "Send In The Clowns" and I tell him I know that. I start singing it but it's labored, having a hard time getting through it, only moments where I feel it sounds ok. I'm looking for some glimmer of acknowledgement from him, but get none. I also get no instruction.

leaping on the moon

DREAM:

I have moved to an apartment in NYC. It's a weird building that's divided into odd sections. I am moving in and I run into a ragtag group of other tenants, hanging out in some common area. One guy has a towel and a bathing suit (maybe? he might also be naked) and looks to be heading out for a swim. We talk for a little while and then they do some sort of meditative exercise around me. I am wearing ballet slippers that keep squeaking. Then, bathing suit guy says, "so Amy, you're sort of grumpy, right?" And I've known him all of a few minutes and haven't been in any way grumpy (but I feel like people see that no matter how I act or appear). I try to skirt the question and ask if he's going swimming. He says there's a pool in the building and he'll show me where it is. We start heading there and he gets a call, on a land line, in another common area, and I'm waiting for a while and then he says the call's going to take a while and he can show me the pool later.

I head out into the neighborhood and it's very colorful and vibrant, somewhat gritty. It's like Mardi Gras out there. Street performers. Cool stores. I'm thinking this may be the next up and coming neighborhood and I've found a gem. Later, it's nighttime and I'm running, barefoot, and it's effortless. In fact, I can leap, as if I'm on the moon. Noone thinks it's strange.

reach out...really?

DREAMS

Had a dream last night that I was driving down the street, down a hill towards a big metropolis and it was clear some big disaster had happened. I was with someone else. We kept driving. I never found out what happened...

...I had to go to the bathroom and went into a stall in a very cramped bathroom. While in there, a man wandered in, noticed that all stalls were occupied, and also noticed that there was a drain in the floor, so he just started peeing, right outside my stall and very close to my feet. I kicked at the door of the stall to try to get him to stop. He didn't give any fucks. It was his RIGHT, as a man, to pee wherever/whenever. This may or may not be my opinion in real life...

...I was at an event and saw my friend from college, Beth. I asked her if she had seen our mutual friend Ed, and hoped she didn't think I was a dick for asking for Ed rather than about her. In real life, Ed is not on any social media and is hard to get in touch with. I call him, he rarely responds. It makes me sad.

-------

Here is real life, I am overwhelmingly sad for my job at CASA, which seems to be going away (after talking to the president, who seemed like I was taking up his time), and how I'm treated and disrespected there, and in general. I am the buzzing mosquito noone wants to deal with. I am an annoyance. You know how in the wake of Robin Williams' death, everyone's saying "reach out, make sure you reach out"? Noone really means that. It's lip service. I have noone to talk to. I just sent a few emails asking a few people to talk. If they respond, I'll be surprised.

waiting for the storm to pass

I'll just wait while this allergy spike blows through. They're like hurricanes, coming through with impressive power and intensity...and then going. But while they're happening, it's just like I've been dropped in the middle of a terrible terrible cold. This is my normal now. Even with the shots and the Zyrtec. I periodically think about how this cannot be having a good effect, all the constant inflammation, etc. Anyways, this one's starting to move out, maybe to haunt another allergy sufferer...

EDIT: Nope, thought it was going out, but it just came roaring back in and once more, I'm tethered to tissues, sneezing and blowing and sniffling. 

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Last night, as I have for several nights now, I heard this sound I could not identify outside. It went on for hours. I described it to a friend as a feral, sasquatch sound. Like a person who's dying, or moaning (but not in a sexytimes way), or an animal. I truly can't tell. I think it's human, but can't figure out why it'd go on for hours at a time. Maybe someone IS dying? I can't make out any words. And I couldn't quite pinpoint the location. I even went outside this time and the sound stopped. Went back in and heard it again, but my bedroom is at the back of the house and my front door is at the front. My curiosity is killing me.

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And in the midst of that and trying to sleep, Rocco did what I'll call the Parade For One™ over and over. He jumps on the bed, outlines my whole body by walking around me and purring loudly, then jumps off the bed. Rinse and repeat. Weirdo. 

let's talk "selfish"...

As is everyone, I'm quite sad about Robin Williams' death. I really really hoped this one was a hoax. Actually, one of my favorite Robin Williams movies is "What Dreams May Come", which is a terrible movie, but somehow I find it really beautiful and compelling. Maybe it's the visuals.

But as people talk about his suicide and addictions, people are speaking up about their own experiences with same. There's still so much stigma around mental illness, still so much people don't understand. One can be depressed and one can have depression. Those are two different things. But many people don't understand that. One of my students from Swannanoa and I were talking and she was saying how her boyfriend's (adult) son is now living with them and he's had depression and she is trying to be compassionate but she really doesn't understand it. Doesn't understand how depression can be so debilitating because she's never experienced it. And she said it with no judgment, and this is an intelligent person (someone I actually think I'll be friends with ongoing), but she made clear that many people believe as she does - it's just something one SHOULD be able to just deal with, as one would any "sadness". At least she wants to understand it. Lots of people don't. They want to judge. They want to cite the bible (ug), and call suicide "selfish". Are they the same people who think not having children is "selfish", because that's a population I want to steer clear of.

I've noticed that the people 'fessing up to suffering from depression, with few exceptions, are coupled up. So they have the LUXURY of "coming out", as it were. I can't do that. I can't talk about it. I feel like all of my relationships ended because the other person simply couldn't deal with my illness (not sure if that's true for all of them). I have had two friends actively un-friend me (in real life, not Facebook), though this was years ago for both, both citing not being able to "deal" with me, or that I was just too dark. If I were a guy, brooding would be a feature rather than a bug. Sexy, even. And now I try very hard not to talk about those things, to keep conversations fairly light with most people. I've bent and re-shaped myself to make others comfortable, and I'm still alone. I still can't talk about it. If I announced my depression publicly, that would be akin to saying, "DON'T DATE THE CRAZY PERSON!" That's how it would be seen, I'm afraid. And my response to that is to be angry, to be resentful, that people can't accept me for who I am, that I'm not lovable even while struggling. I KNOW I'd make a good partner. I know I would. But the messages I get tell me, clearly, to keep my mouth shut if I want any chance of having someone take pity on my "broken" self.

As I said to (my student), imagine the kind of pain someone must be in in order to take their own life. To know how many people they'll hurt, to know they'll leave a body to be dealt with. THAT'S how acute that pain is. It causes us to override that knowledge. So no, selfish it's not. I feel so strongly about that that if I knew someone thought that, I'd be hard pressed to continue associating with them. I have no place for people who turn off their empathy.

whew, all over the place

Update: Turns out the guy came home from a very long day of teaching kids recording, which he'd been doing for several days, and fell asleep for 6 hours. He responded as soon as he woke up but said he had no better excuse than that. Supposedly we'll re-schedule.*

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My NP has me on two hormone replacements. I think ultimately this is a good thing, though it depresses the shit out of me and some of the side effects are, ooo, not good. One of them I take 10 days a month and it makes me VERY dizzy. Then during the other 20 days - no dizzy! I'm used to dizzy as that's something I deal with periodically but this is pretty high on the Dizzy Scale. And I'm EXHAUSTED. I only want to sleep, at all times. That's less manageable. But when the dizziness is at its worst, all I CAN do is sleep.

In NC, I finally met, in person, a woman who was in my college group, but she was before me, so we'd never met in person. But her husband, with whom she has a duo, runs the guitar week, which is the same week as contemporary folk week. She was very nice. But she was only there briefly because she has Lyme disease and some kind of debilitating arthritis (remember, she's a guitar player) and her health only lets her be functional periodically. Same with Laura, who has chronic fatigue that is debilitating. It's so awful that people so young are so crippled by the these diseases. Sometimes I feel like this is a taste of that. But I also feel like if I were more active and better about my diet, I'd probably feel a lot better.

*after seeing so many Angry Young Black Man posts by this guy with regards the most recent police shooting, when it's very possible that it's the work of another shitty cop/Walking While Black, we still don't know the details ... and also some posts of his that were religious-y, I was thinking about Penn and how he has no problem having sex with people he doesn't even LIKE, or that are very different from him in beliefs at the very least. And men seem to have trademarked the Hate Fuck, as I don't know any women who would fuck someone out of anger. Most women need a baseline level of affection, Jesus. Men just need a hole, I guess. Man, that's sad. But I do like this guy, even if I have no interest or intention of having a relationship with him. And whether it happens or not, I don't care that much, but it'd be nice if it could happen with SOMEONE, dammit.

just...disappointed

Whelp, this has been a disappointing day. I first went to Jon's to pick up a check. He was chatting on and on about things he's working on (some that pertain to me, but info I don't need), and eventually I said I had to go. I wasn't getting paid, and just felt impatient. His son, who just graduated from high school, and is about to go to Norway for 8 months or so to ride sled dogs and ski (seriously) needed to go to the bank and I was going there, so I took him. I feel bad for that kid. He and his older brother are disappointments to Jon, but I don't think Jon gave them much that they could use to better themselves, other than annoyance and insults. As he says, he shouldn't have had kids. I think he's right. So he doesn't think his son is ready for college, so he's being sent to this...sled dog program. Sounds pretty cool to me.

Came home, did some work for Jim, stewed about CASA and how I've heard nothing about my job. In fact, I've heard nothing. The board never talks to the staff. It's radio silence, as if the org no longer exists. So much big news is happening, and none of it is getting covered. A friend of mine who's been working very hard just got signed by SONY MASTERWORKS, as an a cappella artist (likely the first time that's ever happened), and he asked me, "why isn't this being covered?" Why indeed. I could only tell him it's driving me nuts, too. We should be all over that. PTX doing a video for the Ninja Turtles movie. Lots more...

My whole family is in Chicago to celebrate Drexel's birthday and I'm not there. ALL of my parents, my sister, my niece C, the steps, my brother et al, various others. Noone invited me. I've only heard, "it's too bad you can't come". I feel really left out. I'm glad my sister will be there though. She needs some family time.

Then I went to a concert I really did not want to go to (in large part because I just saw one of the groups a few weeks ago) because a guy I've been flirting with asked me to be there so we could...get together. He checked in with me more than once to see if I was going. Yes, I was. I didn't really want to see all the people, though as usual everyone was nice, but I REALLY did not want to see N and C, in town from London, taking a break from their precious wedding prep. I did see and talk to him momentarily, but not her (she wasn't with him at that moment). I ended up sitting with a few friends, but...the guy never showed. I texted him to tell him where I was sitting and nothing. Embarrassed. and annoyed. Plus, too much walking in heels. Meh.

Fucking comedy of errors. That never ends.

you don't want to join this club, trust me

I was having a conversation with someone (I know) on Twitter. I'd posted a video preview of a new show coming on in the fall called, unfortunately, "Selfies". In the video, the lead character says that she straightened her hair and (did some other things) and then she became attractive. THEN she became attractive. Once more, curly hair is considered the "before", the sloppy, the ugly, the thing to "fix". And you see that over and over, at least if you HAVE curly hair. She said she'd never noticed it and that she has curly hair herself. Now, I could have predicted this outcome. Most every woman who doesn't have super straight hair will TELL you they have "curly" hair. What they mean is it has a little bit of wave that they straighten the shit out of because they'd never be seen with wavy hair (that they call curly). Curly is actually, structurally, a whole different thing. Do you have the option of brushing your hair when it's dry? Like, at all? You do NOT have curly hair. Can you have bangs? You do NOT have curly hair. And be thankful. It blows. But it also pisses me off no end that curly hair is portrayed, STILL, as something one needs to fix before one is styled, attractive, etc. If I could have my hair straight every day, I'd do it, but the time and expense and toll on my already fragile hair that would take would be enormous. But let's not pretend that media isn't still using it as something that needs to be fixed to make a woman pretty, and I could really do without all the women who have a little wave calling themselves curly. Believe me, you don't want in this club. BeLIEVE me.

I just came across a bat mitzvah pic of myself, Jewfro and all. I could post it here and you could have a hearty (or pity-ful) guffaw, but it is so humiliating to me, and it won't be seen. It's up, publicly, but one would have to know it's there. That's the picture of a girl who never got to be a GIRL because of the damn 'fro. Who was neutered. And I am sure that this woman (that I was talking to), who is also very young and came of age in the era of many specified hair products, never dealt with this. She's lucky.

I just found a pic of her as a kid. This is so very much NOT anywhere near "naturally curly". Even straightened, you could not get curly hair this straight and shiny, ever. In fact, they probably put that curl in. Fuck that. I so want to show you the pic of me to compare, but I just...can't. But this is a picture of someone who got to be a normal girl whereas I didn't, so please don't wonder why I'm a little sensitive about this particular little bit of recurring nastiness.

dog qualities

Hey, all 2 of you! Here are the qualities I do NOT want a dog to have, when I get a dog:

- wiry hair
- curly hair
- Schnauzers
- underbite
- drooly
- creepy-ass stubby legs
- horse-sized
- shaky and nervous/needs a damn SHIRT to calm down
- might bite your face off
- stained face fur

All other dogs will be considered.

Thank you.

crap, I like cheese.

This guy was one of the first people I met this past week. it was my first meal, and he just sat down with me. He's a Buddhist monk from Berkley (but originally from Ohio!) He was such a cool guy and so easy to talk to. Very chill and interesting and a really good listener. And he, as a monk, is celibate, and a vegan. I only saw him once or twice the rest of the week. He was teaching meditation for musicians, which I would have liked to take, but it was at the same time as one of my classes. I just looked him up and he's *65*! I really had no idea. I would have said early 50s. Dammit, maybe there really is something to veganism. Actually, I know there is, but it sounds miserable. I like cheese. And sugar. But I hate the way I look.

Swannanoa report

I'm sitting in a empty dorm, in my room of the week. When I scheduled my flight, I had looked at the schedule and thought that if things ended on Saturday, everyone would leave Sunday, and the contract said Sunday to Saturday. But apparently everyone leaves on Saturday, so I'm here an extra day alone. I made some Lady Grey tea, a tea I was just turned onto by a friend across the pond. I had some pizza I saved from lunch. Everyone else is gone. Mando/banjo/fiddle weeks start tomorrow so this is the only time it'll be this quiet.

The week was really good. It may have been the hardest thing I've ever done, but everyone was so nice and welcoming and seemed to enjoy my classes. I feel so much that I didn't give them all I could have, just because I'm not adept at this. Not that I didn't plan. Not only did I plan for months and consult with lots of people, I was either up late every night and/or up early planning for the next day's classes. But I still feel like I fell short. Based on what people are saying, that's not the case. But the one thing that mars my feeling really about this is that I know some people won't get asked back, and I know that I am likely on the chopping block. Though many people told me (even if they weren't in my classes) they'd only heard good things.

This is a transformative place. People come here year after year and speak of it reverently. It changes and stretches everyone. Everyone's so nice and supportive and passionate and enthusiastic. And one thing I really love is that it's all ages. There are teens who are youth scholars who are AMAZING, and then all ages up from there. Everyone collaborating, together, and not segregated.

There was a big staff performance that I thought I'd be able to get out of because I'm not a solo performer. That day, I was told I could not, so I did something a cappella, which I really, REALLY don't like to do. It went fine and some people said it was their favorite performance of the night. And that's among Grammy winners and Liv Taylor and other ASTOUNDING performers. But had I been closer to any of the staff, I would have been able to plan something collaborative in advance. If I get asked back, I'll definitely do that. Speaking of Grammy winners, I got to sing with Kathy Mattea at that staff concert and she was lovely. Could not have been nicer.

C was fine. Pleasant, charming, sweet. We didn't talk about "things" and that's fine. I even had him do the lead line on our harmony class open mic performance and he killed it, of course. Interestingly, I met up with a woman in Charlotte who it turns out is from RI and used to take guitar with him and was friends with him (not involved with him) and she had many of the same issues with him, to a T. That also was sort of relieving to hear.

Everyone loved my beatboxer friend, who was here for two days working with us. She even did some open mic stuff with students (as did I). That was kinda genius on my part, because I don't think anyone's ever done that before here. And SHE had a great time. Win-win. 

It was so easy to make friends here, even for someone as introverted as me. That's how open this community is. Also, being an instructor does give you an in. People sort of treat you with reverence (it's weird).

I sat in on one class. I meant to do more, but I would come back from my morning classes and crash or do more prep. But I sat in on one of Liv's performance classes. The guy is a guru. Every word that comes out of his mouth is a gem. You just hang on to every one. I wish I'd had him when I was in college and got the message to work harder, to know that you've chosen this and that nervousness is a selfish act. The Berklee students that have him are lucky. He can be brutal, but he's the kind of teacher everyone should have at least once.

I also didn't get to explore the campus more than my surroundings. There just wasn't time. Booo. But I did lots of walking.

Example of how nice people are here: I realized I had forgotten a belt and my pants were falling off, so I met a guy and mentioned this and he immediately offered me his car! So I drove to a Target and got a belt. And he became a friend. Among several others, including one woman who lives north of me and we plan to get together. She was in both of my classes.

So, wrap-up: amazing place. I fear I didn't give them enough and that I'll be cut for next year. I hope the evaluations are positive [side note: the evals are all downstairs in a box. I could read through them, but that doesn't seem right, and I couldn't bear to hear bad things]. I hope I get a chance to come back. After being battered by a lazy, very local singer about all my "inadequacies", it was such a contrast to come here and be treated with so much respect by people who leave her in the dust, talent-wise. A nice re-set. But as one of my early mentors always said, "it's not getting the gig that matters; it's getting asked back", and that's what I'm worried about.

I had one kid in my vocal class. Probably like 15. Clearly on the spectrum. But SO sweet and so talented. He played piano and fiddle and sings. I loved seeing him open up. He had such a great time. Here he's fully appreciated for everything he is, and not in a patronizing way. He really is good, and he's a nice kid. It was his first time here and he said he would definitely come back. I heard Liv encourage him to apply to Berklee.