The New Nostalgia

I'm feeling somewhat down this weekend. Not much to do when everyone else is bbq-ing and socializing and Being Busy. I did perform on Saturday with a friend of mine. Someone who is fairly well known. He gave me 3 songs to do: one I knew because I wrote and recorded the harmonies on the CD that it's on, and two covers, both of which I knew, but the way he does them, they're very rhythmically loose and hard to follow. Still, I kicked ass, I think, such that people asked how long we'd rehearsed to get it "so perfect". In fact, we didn't rehearse at ALL. Not once. But that's my talent - I can follow intuitively and make it seem like we've been rehearsing. I thank high school and college choral groups and all the a cappella I've done for that skill.

It was so nice to once more look out at the faces of an appreciative audience, and one guy in particular was clapping at ME. He was impressed, or moved, or something. I've missed that. And also nice to just remember that yes, I am good at this.

A few things were hard, or just strange:

My headliner friend's girlfriend was there. I know that they have and have had a platonic relationship for several years, but he has no intention of breaking up. They have a house together, dogs, a life. And this one aspect missing. There are some other points of conflict, but I think he just does NOT want to contemplate being alone, and he does love her. I am his occasional friend with benefits. I assume there are others. I know that's exactly what it is. I know he loves me and I love him, but I have no expectations or even interest in a relationship (with him, though he'd be a great boyfriend). I don't even think along those lines. But it was strange to see her. I think we'd met before, but maybe not. She was nice. She may or may not know about my "status" with him, but she does know that I've been at his house when she has been gone.

He played a bit of a song of his that was a "hit" for him. That song was written years ago about me and my then-boyfriend. It was sweet that people know that song and that now they associate it with me. He also asked the crowd if they remembered me from my duo. And a handful did. That was also nice. But all of it made me nostalgic and wistful and wondering if all the good times are passed.

Also, I had asked some people to come to this show, some a month in advance (before I even knew I'd be singing). In the end, I went with one friend of mine, and the rest blew it off. There was a good crowd there, of course, because he always brings people in, but the people I asked just couldn't be bothered. It's frustrating that when you ask in advance, and people say, "Well, I'm not sure. I might be tired. I'll see how I feel." that 100% of the time, that means "I'm not coming". Once you say, "well, I'll see...." you've already given yourself the out to not go, and you've already decided not to. In all the years I've been performing, I've never once seen someone show up who said, "Well, I'll try to make it..." If people just said, "Nope, I won't be there", that would be fine. But days or weeks of, "Yeah, I'd really like to see him. Where's the gig again? How much is it? What's he like live?" followed by deciding not to go makes me feel like a jilted secretary. I gotta draw the line somewhere, so when they start asking me to chart his career trajectory in an Excel spreadsheet to determine the ROI on their attendance, I will definitely say no!

Why does it matter? Well, it matters because I wish people would just say they don't plan to come rather than "Well, I'll see..." and also because my trying to force my performing life back into existence is a big fucking deal for me, and I wish that my friends would be interested in sharing it, especially since it's been a few YEARS that I've really been on a stage consistently. I want to know that what I've done in the past still matters, somewhat, and some people remember. But I guess the only one I can expect to show up is me and I need to just be ok with that.

I'm also tired of inviting people to something, having them string me along with "maybe"s until a few days before the event, and then saying they can't make it. As a single person, this is tough.

I just finished a compare and contrast feature on my harmony site, so that people can see what I do on x song compared to what someone else does on the same song. I think it pretty well illustrates how what I do is different, so I'm just dipping my toe into the pool and starting to tell people about it. That will be followed by myriad direct mail messages. And hopefully some work.

I'll leave you with a picture I took today:

Facts About Me

I don't have a lot of fears/phobias, but I am afraid of electricity (like, live wires and downed power lines) and I am terrified of the thought of being under a general anesthetic. I've never had anything other than minor surgeries, so I've never had it, but I'm scared I'd be the person who experienced all the pain and is completely aware (during the surgery), but is immobilized. [shudder]

Facts About Me

I don't drink at ALL (like not at all, ever), but love alcohol as a food flavoring.

Facts About Me

I will immediately turn off any TV movie with Melissa Gilbert in it, but cannot resist "Little House" re-runs.

She SO should have retired at 12.

what you can't say...part IV

"Swimsuit shopping with/for [girlfriend]. What a great afternoon! I think bikinis were invented with her in mind."

So...this is a guy that I went on a few dates with. He was really into me and wanted an answer NOW NOW NOW if I felt the same...after date 2. I liked him, but wasn't feeling it otherwise, and he didn't want to wait more than a few dates to see if feelings developed. I was ok with that. It felt like he just wanted SOMEONE, and I just happened to be there.

This is a guy in his late 30s who is now dating someone who is either 19 or 20 (she graduated from high school in '09). What the--? Seriously, what is WRONG with men? They can't even go to a bar together legally.There are also multiple pictures of her on Facebook in various states of undress, in fetish-y outfits that he apparently is really into, and so is she. I don't think they're quite Facebook-appropriate, but I try to be professional there, since it's a tool for me. For others, I guess it's about announcing "I'm SEXY! SEE HOW SEXY I AM? I AM EDGY TOO! CAN YOU TELL I'M EDGY?", which is, of course, not edgy. If I were him, I'd be terrified of legal action, because he has half-naked pictures of a MINOR on a public site. Isn't that considered child pornography?

I am faaaar from a prude, but this just strikes me as contrived and tired cliche. But I hope he'll be happy with his underaged latex girl.

And I hope you will, too.

that's just great

Getting very tired of this pattern wherein I ask someone/s to do something with me way in advance (because noone does anything spontaneously), they ignore me, I ask again closer to the date and - bing! - they're suddenly busy with other plans. Usually involving other couples, if they're a couple. It gets easier to just stay in alone, but I'm trying to get out there, and the message is, "you're our lowest priority, so we'll just put you off until something better comes along". Feels FABULOUS.

what you can't say...part III

"If you are a brief guy, know that most women are appalled by these (something I never understood) because your naughty bits are evident*..."

Take OFF your Misogyny Glasses, douchebag. You don't have a CLUE what women do or don't like as you 1.) are a misogynist and 2.) you are a gay man who interacts with women as little as possible. Straight women, as a matter of course, do not shy from evidence of dick. Duh. If anything, I might make the case (though I don't feel particularly strongly about it) for disliking briefs because they look like Underoos and make men look like 5-year-olds. We like men to look like men, thanks. PENIS AND ALL.

*the rest of this is so gross I can't bear to copy it

a-choo

This month marks a year that I've been suffering non-stop from allergies. Usually they're seasonal, so I have half a year off, and during that half year on, they're well controlled. But because I became allergic to cats and dust mites (and whatever else) this year, along with the regulars - 3 trees, 5 grasses, 2 weeds - I haven't had a break since last May. That means that there hasn't been one day in the past year that's been symptom-free. There are a few hours here and there during a day when I'm not suffering too badly (and can step away from the tissues), but never more than that. I've used countless boxes of tissues (need to get more today), I've tried almost every prescription med out there (though I'm generally a failure when it comes to nasal sprays and inhalers, drugs of the super-nerd, so does that make me un-nerdy?) and various OTC things that no longer work, and I regularly am up in the middle of the night for hours, blowing my nose and sneezing. I think about what this kind of long-term inflammation is doing to my HEAD. Everything itches (including my throat, inside of ears, and inside of eyelids!), all the time.

I'm starting month 3 of shots with no noticeable improvement yet, though that's not unusual. The shots (which I give to myself weekly) are getting more reaction-y, with a raised itchy area lasting for days, even up to a week, and then it's time for the next shot. It's not pretty. If they start working soon or soon-ish, it'll be worth it. And I'll be doing this for at least 2 years.

Yes, it's been suggested (only by the doctor) that I get rid of the cats, but even if I did, I'd still be allergic to those 3 trees, 5 grasses, 2 weeds and 2 dust mites (and there may be more - they only tested for the really obvious things). And frankly, even the thought breaks my heart. Who would take an 11 year old cat who is the sweetest thing EVER but is very very shy with strangers? People want animals that are, well, like dogs, and are all over you with dopey confident affection from the first second. And they're supposed to be with me. I made the commitment to take care of them, and I take that seriously. They will not be in some animal shelter cage as long as I have anything to say about it.

I could really use a new mattress, since I'm allergic to two types of dust mites and my mattress is old. Old = dust mites. Let's not think about it, shall we? It's gross. In fact, all upholstered items, unless they're brand new, have dust mites, but they acquire more as they age. But (getting a new one) isn't financially feasible right now. I desperately wish I could do it, though. Nights are miserable, broken up into fitful hours when I'm not sneezing and fitful hours when I am. There've been nights I haven't slept at all.

There have been two times when the allergies have become debilitating. Unfortunately, the last time was a few weeks ago when I was judging two huge events in NYC. Terrible timing, but whatever was blooming down there set something off (so much for things improving if I'm away from the cats). And it's embarrassing.

All this is to say that I'm ready for the shots to start working, please. A year of this shit is PUH-lenty, thanks.

[More soon. Now that pretty much noone's reading this but people outside the US looking for P&T's song, I should be able to say anything!!]

ok NOW it's spring

Interesting that the dude ladybug is smaller and has no spots. Every minute or so he'd start wiggling like crazy.