a tale of redemption

Here's a story of disappointment and redemption. First I went to my eye doctor today. He asked how things were since the incident where I lost my sight just about a year ago. Fine, I said. We talked about that for a while. Ya know, I think a few friends think I made it up. That I wanted attention or that it was a psychological reaction. And that makes me mad. Nope, he said. It was an actual, physiological response to the allergy skin test. I saw you and I saw the degradation, and I saw also that it was correctable with lenses, so that proved that it wasn't psychological. That was nice to hear, even though I already knew it.

Came home and my neighbor asked if I would take her to pick up prescriptions for her son. Her car, which is always having problems, is once more in the shop. Ok, let's go, I said. She wanted to go to through the drive-through for the pharmacy. I was almost out of gas, the woman at the window took forEVER, and lo and behold, my car ran out of gas right there at the window. I'm fairly sure the last time I ran out of gas was when I was 16. How embarrassing. I got out of the car to push it out of the way, and a woman two people behind in the drive-through line starts honking. I went to her and said, "my car just ran out of gas. I'm going to push my car out of the way." "This is BULLSHIT!", she said, starting to back out. "Sorry I inconvenienced you", I said, and not happily. Her response? "STUPID BITCH!" as she drove away. Yeah, that was her response to my running out of gas, which frankly is much more of a hardship and inconvenience for me than it was for her. Pushing the car out of the way took approximately 1 minute, and the drive-through was freed up again. Unbelievable with the nastiness, and yet...so typical of people around here. It frankly infuriates me.

A call to roadside assistance and we find out that it will be over an hour to have gas delivered, so I decide to walk to the nearest gas station, which isn't that far. Once I get there, I ask the guy if they have containers for gas and that I've run out of gas, and a guy behind me says he has a container and I can use his. So nice. I get a gallon of gas and into a car with a stranger (what the hell!) and back we go to my car where my neighbor waits. "Hey, it's Steve", I say to her and she gives him a big hug. Now, this doesn't phase me because she hugs everyone, but it becomes clear immediately that they actually know each other! She's asking about his family, his father, his brother, their business...craziness! So a stranger offered to help me, and it turns out he wasn't a stranger. After being called a "stupid bitch" for running out of gas by yet another Masshole. One redeems another. Thanks, Steve.

quit it

I find that I have varying tolerance for vaugebooking and humblebragging on Facebook and Twitter and the like. Today that level = very low. If you want to be obscure and mysterious, must you do it such that everyone has to be subjected to your pretentiousness? If you're too scared to say what you mean, how 'bout just don't say it? And the bragging? Well, I don't think I need to explain why that's annoying. What's surprising is how many people do it. Let me see if I can pull a few from my current newsfeed...

...is entering a new chapter in his life. Thanks to those few that understand and still care about me. There aren't many of you. (vaugebooking AND humblebragging)

Homemade Thai lemongrass shrimp soba soup. Yummmmm. Belly is now very warm and full. (humblebrag)


praying...always praying. ♥ (vaugebooking)


Victorious victory is victorious!!! (vaugebooking AND humblebragging)

Actually, these aren't that bad. I've seen much worse. But I find these practices self-indulgent and obnoxious. One might say what I'm doing right now is self-indulgent and obnoxious, but at least I'm not skirting around what I'm talking about, nor am I bragging while pretending not to brag.

Bleah.

"People started screaming, pulling and pushing each other, and then the whole area filled up with pepper spray," another shopper recalls. "I guess what triggered it was people started pulling the plastic off the pallets and then shoving and bombarding the display of games. It started with people pushing and screaming because they were getting shoved onto the boxes." -this article

Hmmm, and yet I'm the Scrooge for pointing out how truly awful and anti-"spirit of the season" this is? I'm the Scrooge? Not the people shoving and fighting and pepper spraying each other to get small discounts? Ok...

no thanks

Add this to the list of things I don't understand: Pandora bracelets. I think they're simply ugly. Junked up, overpriced, dumb trend. Man, that shit is awful. Charm bracelets for middle-aged and older women who have no taste, or the men who think they want them. But whoever came up with them is a genius, because they've convinced people they're elegant (they're not). You buy each bead separately, and the very cheapest ones are $25. They go up into the thousands for a single bead. That bracelet to the left has 20 beads, so you do the math. No, I'll do it for you. At a very very minimum (and many of those are definitely not the $25 ones), that's $500 for that atrocity. Tastelessness comes at a (steep) price.

UPDATE: ha ha - now my ads (to the right) are for Pandora! Wrong demo, friends.

no-turkey zone

I'm alone on Thanksgiving for the first time, well, ever. Due to some unfortunate circumstances, I am not in OH, and I had the option of driving myself (11 hours each way, almost wholly toll road), but just couldn't muster the strength/interest to do it. And Thanksgiving's a big deal at our house. Big crowds, people come from all over the country, etc. It's really fun, so I'm sorry I'm missing it. I got a few last minute invites, but decided not to go to those either. It's hard for me to be in big groups where I know noone, especially when it's a traditionally "family" event. It's hard enough for me at home to be still-single, but among a lot of strangers? I can't shake the feeling everyone's wondering why I'm there. But I really wish I had some turkey. I love turkey, and it's not like I ever make myself a turkey. That'd be silly.

I haven't been able to get myself to do much today. I put up a few articles and answered emails, gave myself a (painful - ow) shot, made some eggs...meant to go out for a walk but didn't do that either.

I'm trying to square the saying "the heart wants what the heart wants" with (what could be) just following the same destructive pattern. Which am I doing here? It will all be likely irrelevant soon. My heart certainly hurts to think about that. But despite the stats and how unlikely it all is, well, the heart wants... This is how I've felt for at least a few years, keeping quiet until recently. I've written and deleted posts here about (him). Though not flawless (of course), I do adore him. I have absolutely no idea what he thinks of me except that he likes me enough to consider this and to be my kinda-more-than-friend.

sandwich

I'm getting very very tired of people who say things like, "I don't GET the whole social media thing. It's just not for me". That's both meant to shame me (because I do use it, professionally and personally), and to dismiss it whole cloth. It certainly is not meant to be an entree into actually LEARNING about social media, because they've already dismissed it. Thus when people say it, I don't even try to explain or defend.

I'm going to call these people the "tweet my lunch" people. They're the ones who think that social media only exists to announce trivial goings-on about one person's life, like (what they had for) lunch. That's like saying the internet consists wholly of kitty videos. Yes, there are kitty videos (cute!). But that's a FRACTION of the internet's whole content. There are myriad types of social media outlets, and they can be used in many many ways, for professional and personal interests. Yes, people can use it ridiculously, and many do. But many use it as a legit form of marketing and communication. I am one of those people. I can show you proven results that I've achieved for my clients via social media marketing. Today alone - we tweeted George Carlin's daughter, because V used to be his opening act. She replied and it turns out she has a radio show, and she's inviting him to be on it. Done. That would not have happened without Twitter. Also today, an NY Times columnist tweeted to his over 6000 followers about V's recent airline incident. That's 6000+ people who will now know his name, if not read his story. Hmmm, I see no mention of lunch in either of those examples.

And companies are taking notice (not of me, but in general). Any company worth its salt knows they need to be part of this. And again, there are ways to do this wrong, and many do. And I only know a fraction of what I'll ultimately learn. It's complex and changing. There are ways of measuring results, there are right and wrong ways to do things, there's etiquette and protocol, like any type of communication.

But the whole cloth dismissal - which a lot of people do - is about THEIR shit, their refusal to learn about something that they've already prejudged and discarded. When one of them actually wants to learn about it, I'll be happy to explain. Until then, they can continue to believe it's just about tweeting your damn lunch.

Other things I'm tired of: TSO taking people away from me. If I'm not gonna get any work out of it, and it just makes people go away, I'm not happy about it. I am thrilled for my many talented friends who have gotten work out of it, but...sigh.

rest is not restful

DREAM: I'm at some sort of show, but I have a typewriter (an actual typewriter) in front of me and I'm typing. The typewriter is making noise, as they do. Some woman comes over to me to tell me that I'm disrupting the show. Though I know she's right, I hate being told what to do, and I take her by the hand and press my finger into her palm as hard as I can. [that's all I remember]

Ya think I'm feeling irrelevant? Old? How much more obvious could you be, subconscious?

Jesus. And I have no clue where the finger-in-the-palm thing came from.

eggnog

I'm a sucker for anything eggnog flavored. I love eggnog [sans alcohol] but try to avoid it because it's such a calorie bomb. I got an eggnog latte from Starbucks the other day that tasted nothing like eggnog but only like latte. As a non-coffee drinker, this was a big disappointment. I just saw that Polar Seltzer has a bunch of holiday flavors, including - yeah! - eggnog. I gotta go get some. I even have some coupons for free Polar drinks because I sent them a complimentary letter.

UPDATE: gotten, not yet tasted

Pavlov

He did get in touch, by the way. But email, because of the in-another-country status. But it's happened - so many middle of the night texts have created a Pavlov's Dog response to that buzz-buzz-vibrate of my phone. A little thrill. All other texts - business things, Macys coupons, other friends - are just meh. And they've all been since...exactly a month ago. Yeah, that makes sense. It may always be the last, but I hope not.

surprising

Huh. So it's still ok to get a bunch of little people, dress them up, and have them portray elves? That surprises me. Either I'm one of those "too PC" people, or I'm ahead of my time. Either way, it makes me uncomfortable.

duality

Today I saw an older (60s, maybe?) woman perusing the condom aisle at the CVS. I thought two things:

1.) right on!
2.) I'm jealous

I got a battery for my scale, which has not been working for a long time. Come to find out that yeah, I've lost almost 20 lbs. Now, a few people have noticed and commented, but they're mostly people I NEVER see and are distant acquaintances. People I'm close to have, for the most part, said nothing or not noticed. Nice. Trying to figure out the best way to keep it going and actually be in better shape. Gym? Continue stuff at home? My knees are really throwing a wrench in things and pissing me off. They are messed up, confirm many doctors, surgeons and PTs. The other night after my regular circuit, there was acute (not dull) pain in one leg, like it was fucking complaining that I'd done too much (when really, I hadn't). My knees are gonna have to fucking man up because I plan to, to the best of my abilities, use the info I got in the amazing "what do you like?" conversation, and I don't feel so great about how I look (understatement), esp in comparison.

there's an app for that?

Had a conversation with V about songwriting, because I really want to be able to write some more decent songs before I die (which truly often feels like it won't be in the too distant future). That's so important to me, but I wanted to ask, how do you keep from: starting to write, then wanting the song to be about THIS, and THIS and THAT and THAT and THAT TOO, and then it's about everything (in theory) and it's way too big in scope and then I just scrap it because who could write such a thing?

So he said to 1.) keep it short and let other ideas become the germs for other songs, 2.) keep it specific and personal, and 3.) don't try to write anything anthemic and huge. Maybe even skip a bridge. But I have done that in the past, and I need to actually write some songs WITH bridges, so skipping the bridge is probably not the best idea for me. I've got some lyrical snippets, no music at all, and a lot of ideas. And anxiety, of course. I want my songs to impress, ultimately. To move and impress not only me, but people that I admire. That's a tall order. And probably the worst possible reason to write anything. But if guys can decide to play guitar to get chicks, how is this any different?

I'm good at lyrics, and I'm good at melody and countermelody. I'm terrible at coming up with cool pop chord progressions. What I need is a Cool Pop Chord Progression app. Surely there's something like that for android, right? I better check that out right now...I have people to impress.

quiet, please.

If you know me personally, you know how much I hate the rampant consumerist culture around xmas and this season. In fact, if you want to see my blood boil, just say something like, "I loooooooove Christmas!" around me. But beware. I might punch you in the kidneys. I'm prepared for the onslaught, but this year, I really was aware that the onslaught began, literally, at midnight on Oct 31. Like hundreds of nervous, jittery advertising fingers pushed the buttons that apparently delineate a pleasant, generic fall from CHRISTMAS SEASON. I just never noticed before that that's when it happened. Is it happening earlier? I mean, I'd seen xmas ads starting as early as early September, but not full out. That started October 31 at midnight. Fuck them all. And it isn't so much the visuals that bother me, but the noise. The ads, the music IN EVERY STORE. Right now the stores are showing "restraint", meaning that every third or fourth song is an xmas song, but in the next week or so, all of them will be xmas songs. This year I have decided I just can't bear to go with the flow (and I can't tune it out), so I will just make sure I have my iPod with me wherever I go that's public, and I'll be that douchebag that tunes out everything around her.  Don't want to be, but don't want to hear "Santa Baby" 12 times a day either. I find few things more offensive.

Except leafblowers...

Yeah, noise pollution isn't something that's going to stop bothering me. Nor does it make me a "Scrooge". Sorry.

Cantonese Short Ribs

currently making these. we'll see how they come out. left the ribs whole because I have no way to cut them up, and I'm adding water chestnuts, because I think they need some crunch. I will add those later in the cooking process. http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/cantonese-short-ribs-50400000116322/

by request

Firstly, indeed my niece was born, after over 39 hours of labor, they did a c-section. I can't imagine how frustrating that must be. But in the end, does it really matter if you have a healthy baby? How can you argue with that? And she's beautiful. Welcome baby VDM. My brother's a father, what? Freaky.

Here's a story that Christine asked me to write out, because she said she wanted to hear it again. Some months ago, I was at my allergy doc appointment, and my doc, who 1.) thinks I'm cool and 2.) I think is cool and 3.) we are pals told me that there was a guy who worked there who was a beatboxer and he was amazing and did I want to hear him because I should hear him. So I said of course I wanted to hear him, and he was called from whatever other building he was in. And he came into the exam room and beatboxed for me. Now, he was not amazing, but he had some good basic tools. He was interested in learning more. He teaches kids in the city beatboxing. So I took his info and kept in touch and realized that a few weeks ago there'd be a show coming up that'd be great for him to go to. He could meet a bunch of pertinent people all at once, including my absolute favorite beatboxer of all, in from NYC. He said he wanted to go, and got himself a ticket. That night I got to introduce him to lots of people, including several beatboxers, and I think he got to see that this community is full of young, cool, hip people who are accessible and absolutely happy to welcome him with open arms, hugs, promises to meet, etc. He was so happy and said that whole new worlds had been opened up to him. I was distracted/anxious there for other reasons, but I was glad that I got to introduce him to so many people, and we'll stay in touch. My doc/pal would have been there too but was out of town. That would have been even more fun.

So that's my story. Boots n' cats, y'all*

*beatboxing humor that will make sense to noone, probably

laboring

My SIL is in labor (over 24 hours already, poor thing - come OUT already baby!), and as almost everything does, it reflects back on me all of my own failures and missed markers. All the "stragglers", the last people I knew who were single or childless are now doing so, and I'm still left behind, I'm still stagnant, I'm still alone. It seeps into almost every moment of every day, but if I thought about it full bore, I'm fairly certain I would not be able to function, and that is no exaggeration. I think I would fall down in a fetal position and never get up. As it is, I have to push it out several times a day. Everything makes me cry. FAILURE, FAILURE, FAILURE. I also can't shut out all the successes of those around me (they are significant), and what they're doing at the same time that I'm living my failed life. It's comical that I'm told I'm not supposed to compare. What else is there to do BUT compare? My current state is a reflection of my bad decisions, some of the impositions and ego of others, some bad luck, all resulting in where I am now. Whether it can be turned around remains to be seen. Ironically, my info was passed onto one of the most powerful people in television this week, and I have two interviews coming up, one in TV (I think they may think my skills are beyond what they are). But what I'm feeling I'm really missing, what I'm regretting now, are my theory skills. How to get better at that? It seems absolutely crucial, grad school be damned.

I know this would be tough for me, this tour, and it's definitely making things more difficult. Things are going well but he's completely out of touch. No clue what that means. I could reach out but so could he. I have to assume he doesn't want to, right? Or maybe I shouldn't. I've seen him online a few times and have just observed that, whereas when he was in CA we talked that way. I'm a fool to feel this way, but I do.