new normal: work for free!

Well it's been a slam of bad news, and as is my new normal, noone knows about it. I just don't have the strength or energy to reach out to anyone. Saturday I went to get my hair done, and I trade services with my hair stylist. She informs me that her sister is going to be redoing her website. I assume this means that she no longer wants our agreement, though what I do mostly is her monthly specials (a task that is multi-tiered and takes about an hour a month, so considering I see her every 6-8 weeks, it works out, but I'm not sure that - despite telling her that several times - she really gets it). If this is the case, I'm looking at a new big expense (along with some others). Later that day I had a conversation with the guy who heads my team at CASA. After discussing various issues, he tells me that the budget being what it is, and events losing money as they are, they want to CUT MY SALARY (eg, eliminate it) until the fall. Starting in June. For a month I've already worked (May), and with no prior notice. And that I should continue doing the same job, gratis, until there's money again. They have to put a big downpayment down on the venue for our November festival and there's no money to do it. I tried to get across how very very bad a position that would put me in (like, not being able to pay RENT), but I feel so numb, so slammed with despair, that I hope it got across. He was sympathetic and is going back to the board to see what we can work out. I have this job in NC at the end of July that will bring in some money, and I was really hoping that'd let me catch up a tiny bit, but apparently it's now going to be a stopgap.

I haven't said any of this to anyone, because I don't talk to anyone unless I reach out to them. I've been trying to get my stepsister to respond to me for weeks. We haven't talked since October. I'm now at 7 or so attempts in the past few weeks. It's maddening.

I'm leaving for OR on Weds, and won't be back until the end of the month, at which point I guess I won't be able to pay rent. My gas may also be turned off (that'd be a new one). I cannot get that issue resolved. I will also be taking the delightful walk > bus > train > bus way to the airport because I cannot find a ride there, so that will also be new. A posting on Facebook - something I vowed I'd never do because I was afraid it'd result in no responses - resulted in no responses. I know people around here who could do it and I've asked them, but they won't. Again, it's considered a MASSIVE pain in the ass by some, whereas I don't mind driving people and some other people don't mind driving me. But it sure does illustrate how some people simply will not go out of their way if it presents even the most minor inconvenience. But with cat care (who charge extra for non-consecutive days AND holiday weekends), I can't do a min $50 paid ride.

Is it time to consider a new career completely? It's interesting/disheartening how people I know and don't know are given the benefit of the doubt, eg people say my brother "deserves" all the success he's having because he's always wanted it and always worked for it. Same with me, but no such success, no such adulation. People are telling me that I should look for something else, whereas for others I know, noone would suggest they be something else because what they do is what they ARE. It's all about money. If I were experiencing the same success my brother is, people would probably tell me I "deserved" it too, even though the same amount of past work was put into it whether financially successful or not.

I'm hoping this trip will be nice. I'm teaching and moderating a panel and also recording a song but also seeing friends (in and out of the festival). And then...no fucking idea how this will work out after that. One thing's for sure: noone will be there telling me that I "deserve" my success.

now what?

So...curly hair's not supposed to be washed every day (because: dry), but if you have seasonal allergies you're supposed to shampoo frequently to get out the pollen, which is "sticky" (in pollen terms), so...? #dweebproblems

so sad

Maybe you've heard about this "human chandelier" of acrobats of women suspended by their hair that fell at a Ringling Bros performance in Providence recently. Apparently the cause of the accident was a failed clamp that caused them to fall 20 feet. Ug, so awful. I heard a radio report yesterday that said that some of the women may not walk again. In this article, they just say some of them may not be acrobats again. They are more vague. But there were some very serious injuries, and several are still in the hospital.

Of course the news did several stories on the event, along with the obligatory blurry cell phone footage (over and over). And then the parents, of kids, who had to take themselves and their disappointed kids out of the venue after the accident, as the show was immediately shut down. And thus began astounding displays of selfishness that noone seems to mind...because they're parents and we're supposed to worship them. They interviewed one woman who said, "My daughter was VERY DISAPPOINTED. I mean, she's 9!" They interviewed her at the venue, where she was trying to get a refund for her tickets. You know what, you selfish prick? I'm sure your little princess was upset and disappointed. For a few minutes, and then she was probably fine. SO THE FUCK WHAT? You deal with it and take the opportunity to teach her that it's not all about her. Are you aware that there are people who may have walked their last steps that day, that you witnessed them going from young, athletic, highly-skilled people in peak physical condition to people with severe spinal injuries who cannot walk?? Are you aware of that, mommy? No? Because your princess is disappointed and nothing else matters? Oh right. Sorry, carry on with your selfish-ass self.

Noone bats an eye at this shit. I find it appalling.

opening my own jars may be my downfall

I think of the many little humiliations of being single, one of the worst is having to flip a mattress by yourself, because it really spotlights your aloneness (and also you may knock things off the wall). But at least I can DO it. I'm not delicate withering flower. Then again, maybe that's WHY I'm single. Men seem to like delicate, withering flowers? I dunno.

(it needed a meme)

I'm trying to get stuff done. Already done:

- stupid laundromat laundry
- shit-tons of publicity and work for Saturday's shows
- shit-tons of publicity and work for this month's festival in OR
- frame print I got at THANKSGIVING (that's how long it's been sitting around)

- flip mattress (see above)
- send off many many Mother's Day cards
- put together and send off big 'ol care package for A

The to-do list is long...

I've realized that at least a few people I know who are my age-ish live with roommates, and not because they want to. And that is my nightmare. Unless it was something I really chose, like living with friends, I just... And based on their postings, it's as bad as I'd imagine. One lives with roommates he doesn't really know, and keeps his room locked because he's afraid that his stuff will be stolen, and they're always getting into fights about who uses what appliance. No thanks. Please don't let that be my future. Alone is bad enough (actually it's sometimes ok, but not always). But alone with strangers would be horrible.

Um...that's it for now