do the thing; win the points

Inexplicable terrible back pain + relentless allergies = no sleep until sometime past 4am

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Then I had a dream that I was at one of our festivals, at a workshop. N and C were sitting in a row in front of me, singing to each other, dramatically and lovingly. Then they were talking about wedding invites, and then they left the room. I guess there's no way for this not to bother me. I guess I won't elaborate again on why it's painful...

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Today is mammogram day, so the costume I'll be wearing this Halloween will be a hospital johnny that somehow won't close and will threaten to expose me at any moment. And then I'll get squished and then I'll be happily reunited with my bra. Hoping it's not too insane downtown, what with all the celebrating about the sports-ball win.

slackerz

I wrote a few months ago about the ridiculous questioning I went through when trying to make a car payment. I'm happy to say that I have 3 more payments left. It will be weird (and wonderful) not to have to cough up that chunk of money every month.

But now the electric company has them beat. I make a payment every month, and have a smallish balance. I pay a little more than my minimum payment every month so I'm chipping away at the balance. And yet every month, the shutoff notices, the calls, the visits to my house. Lately they've ramped up the crazy for some reason. Something must be going on internally there. So even though I made a payment at the beginning of this month, and another 10 days BEFORE THAT, they issued a shutoff notice and started the calling. She left a message the day before yesterday that I hadn't yet listened to, and yesterday a woman showed up at my house to shut off the electric. She made me call the woman who'd be calling me, and I made another large payment, which she seemed dissatisfied with. She said "everything's behind". I don't know what that means. Again, I'm paying every month, more than my minimum. But she wants payments every few weeks. This isn't reasonable or doable for me, especially given my small balance. I'm terrified to answer the door now, because it's always something unpleasant. It's never a neighbor with muffins or something. Why can't it be a neighbor with muffins?

I think about this woman's job, which is to harass people in this one town to get their electric payments in. That's her JOB. And yet, in this country, that's considered admirable. I remember the director of the counseling center telling me that there are people who owe thousands upon thousands (and not a few hundred) and don't have their electric turned off. And yet, had I not been home, mine would have been shut off. I understand collecting a debt. I don't understand harassing someone who is clearly making good efforts to keep on top of things and has a small balance to begin with. I imagine there must be very few slackers in this town, so she has time to focus on me. Lucky me.

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I'm going to have to drive to OH again for Thanksgiving. Tickets are too expensive, and it's so hard (and makes me feel so guilty) asking people for rides to the airport. Bad enough that I still have to find people to look in on Rocco, who gets all distraught when I'm gone. Gas is pretty cheap, at least right now. They'll probably raise it right before Thanksgiving. Last year I got a speeding ticket that ultimately cost $600, so that cannot happen again. I'm hoping Waze will help out with that, and looking into radar detector apps. And then I got sick while there and remained sick for two months, not being able to hear during that time. That was fucking miserable. But my brother et al will be there and I haven't yet seen the baby. Haven't even seen Varona since she started walking and talking.

mid century dreams

I had a dream I was with a group of people in a car. I think we were going to audition them, as in it was my group and we were going somewhere to audition them. And we pass a yard that has lots of beautiful mid century furniture in it, ostensibly being given away. I ask them to stop and say I'm sorry but I have to check it out. And it turns out the whole house is full of furniture that's available. I'm looking at things and then I notice price tags. I end up taking a chair because I'm not sure if it's free or not. So apparently I just take a chair. In my defense, it was a REALLY cool chair.

Waaa, I want furniture! Most people have ugly (or just style-free) furniture because...well, most people don't have taste, but they can buy furniture, and they choose that stuff. I want to choose cool stuff! Not just in my dreams. Who wants dream furniture??

other Chicago stuff

I forgot to mention a few other things that Kim told me in Chicago, all of which, in addition to this stuff, added up to a feeling of, "well, now I feel even worse..."

- She has two cousins, twins in their 20s, and they're very nice girls. One's in Chicago now going to med school. She's being supported by her parents, fairly extravagantly. Here's a picture of her. Pretty, huh? Kim tells me that she gets Botox and fillers all the time. She's around 25.

25.

To me, that'd be like 25 year old me coloring my hair to cover the grays. I HAD NO GRAYS. So not only is she putting toxins into her body for completely unnecessary reasons, there are doctors who will administer it. I find this reprehensible. Why would you fill nonexistent wrinkles? Does it somehow slow down the aging process?

I hate my liney forehead and I'd do Botox in a second, so I'm also jealous that this 25 year old, who needs none of this, does it on an ongoing basis. Bleargh.

- Kim also told me that her in-laws, who live in an expensive suburb of Chicago, pay over 30K in taxes YEARLY for their house. It's a large-ish house, but not massive or anything. A nicely sized house in the suburbs.

30K. That's many people's salaries. How is that even reasonable? That's just taxes. That's not mortgage or utilities or repairs or anything else. How does anyone do that? Is that normal or average? If it is, there's simply no way I'll ever own my own house. I don't have a salary's amount to apply to taxes. It's so disheartening I don't even know how to process it. I'm always going to be stuck in this hole, I'm afraid.

When I was in college, my a cappella group performed at the high school of some of the group members, New Trier, in this same town. It's one of the best public schools in the country, and I guess that's one of the things that drives up property values. But holy crap. This is another galaxy. A friend of mine just told me his taxes in NC are around $500, so there are places where it's reasonable, but are all those places remote?

I dunno. I'm not cut out to be an adult. At least not an adult alone. I see how my bandmate operates, on husband #3, completely taken care of, doesn't lift a finger, doesn't even know where the lightbulbs are in her house, complains that the renovations on her beautiful house are taking too long...ah, to be that entitled. And the prototypical republican, always posting things about how she perceives the lazy poors (though she takes laziness to astounding new levels...oh irony!) are trying to take her shit and ruin her view. Of course those things often or always end up being scams that have been passed around the internet for years. Nevermind that, she needs to know that the poors are lazy and bad, so facts be damned. But how does someone so...undeserving - and inaccurately judgmental - get a free lifetime ride?

Fuck all of the above. Seriously.

a few unrelated things

My local Stop & Shop is undergoing a massive interior renovation. Everything's getting upgraded and moved around...except the product, apparently, which seems to be be going downhill rapidly. The other day I went there and all the packages of mini cucumbers were moldy. Actually moldy. And the last several times I've gone they've had a handful of each kind of onion, each looking ratty. Produce looks bad. So I find it interesting they're going all out to make things pretty. How about produce that's not moldy? How'd that be? I think it'd be swell. I'd take that over new signs and floors.

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While scrolling through TV channels with my stepsister, we came across "Gigolos", which I've never seen because I don't have Showtime. So I came home and found it online and have been watching episode after episode. It's a reality show about a group of gigolos in Las Vegas. There's a LOT of nudity and sex in it. It's the tiniest step away from porn. Naw, it's pretty much porn, just without the closeups of genitalia. The guys range from icky (the oldest guy, who is orange with bleached blonde hair) to actually hot, but there's one thing that they and their clients all have in common: they all have tattoos. Lots of them. Actually, the one guy I think is actually hot may not have any, and I don't think the orange guy does. But the rest are COVERED. One guy has sections of his body that are completely inked in, just black. I am not a fan of tattoos. I think they really became A Thing with the generation after me, and I think we're going to be looking at a generation of regretful people in approximately 35 years. I don't think skin makes a good canvas for art, so that they just look like a faded approximation of something pretty or something cool or something edgy, and as time goes by they're only going to look worse. And I think that they make people look "dirty". I don't mean skanky or anything like that, because I do NOT slut shame, and I support all types of counterculture types. I don't think they're intimidating. This isn't a pearl clutching issue. I am at a loss to come up with a word that means exactly what I mean, so "dirty" is as close as I can come. Like, sullied. There's no way you can go to a formal affair and really look elegant or distinguished with a sleeve of snakes and demons running up your arm. They just look like a permanent bad decision to me. And everyone on this show, all of the clients (women) are covered. Are they a good sample of a population?

I'm trying to figure out how much of this show is really. Clearly some of it is set up and I doubt many of their actual clients would agree to be filmed having sex, especially in a setting where discretion is paramount. The sex is not particularly sexy, but there's actually stuff here that's worthwhile. The guys know what they're doing and sometimes dispense little nuggets of wisdom in their interview sections.

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I've been having some dreams about Shirley. I really miss her. 

happy to see ya, blood.

If you don't want to read about lady-things, you can skip this one...

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So, my period has been inconsistent for...ever. Because of that, I've been on and off the pill. I'd rather be off if I'm not actually trying to prevent pregnancy, but when I'm off it now, I don't get it at all. I can go months with nothing. Which, convenience-wise, is great. I've been lucky, I guess, in that I don't get cramps and don't have to take to my bed like a Victorian lady overcome by consumption like some women I know. But it's still a pain in the ass when I do get it. But not having it at all does make me a little panicky. Like, it's happening, menopause, another set of unpleasantries to deal with, and now I have to take supplements, and maybe hormone replacement, and whatever the hell else goes along with it (even slower metabolism?). If you pay attention to ads, I'm in for a future of embarrassing bladder leakage and feminine dryness. Ew. I don't even want to talk to my NP about it because I don't want to hear her (or anyone ) dismissively say, "well, you ARE at that age". Fuck you, this is a big deal for me. I'm not a statistic. I don't care if I'm just following nature's clock. It's still upsetting. Especially since I feel like I need to stop time's passing since I still haven't had someone fall in love with me, I still haven't had a wedding or those big moments when you'd like to, ya know, look pretty. I'm not ready to slide into frumpy old lady-dom. NOT READY.

So I just went through the 3 weeks on the pill and now I'm having my period again. It was preceded by that unpleasant stuffed-with-cotton feeling that I guess is my version of cramps. And it's a relief, like "FUCK YOU, NATURE, I CAN STILL BE A WOMAN!" but only at the hands of chemistry. I guess if nature took its course, I wouldn't be having it at all. But then again, I've always been irregular, as I said. And medically, it's fine to go months without it. You can even go on the pill and just skip the placebos, and deliberately not have it, and that's perfectly safe. Modern medicine is awesome. Like my friend J recently said to me that had she been pregnant 100 years ago, she would have died in childbirth (she was in labor for over 29 hours, then c section). Instead she's fine with an adorable toddler. So while I don't want to be on yet another medication, it makes me feel better, more normal, when I have it. So pills it is.

And speaking of bodily things, I got the bill from the tooth repair. $143. This is why I love my dentist. A lot of work went into this repair, and then there was a second appointment to refine and to adjust my nightguard. A lot of work. I know, since I was there, it being my head and all. And that price is half of what another dentist quoted me. And almost certainly better work (from my guy).

get me out

Less than 24 hrs back, and I've had my first Masshole encounter. Coming out of a parking lot. Woman coming in, not using turn signal, as is de rigeur here, because that would be courteous and ya know, obeying the law. I give her a look of annoyance. SHE GIVES ME THE FINGER. Yes, she was at fault, but she gives me the finger. Classic. Happens all the time.

I have no more patience or interest in this. I went back to the the lot and up to her car. She didn't get out and told me she was calling the police (she didn't). I had nothing on me and wasn't acting like a maniac or anything. I asked her why she gave me the finger and she said I "gave her a mean look". Reminded her that she is supposed to USE HER TURN SIGNAL TO SIGNAL TURNING. And isn't it funny how everyone turns into a fucking pussy when called on their dickish behavior? All of a sudden, they're terrified?

Fuck this. Fuck people here. Fuck their nastiness. Fuck their coldness. Fuck their righteous indignation when they are at fault, and that they don't think there will ever be repercussions for being dicks.

Every time I'm in the midwest I am so struck by how much kinder people are. They're willing to talk to you and don't make every interaction seem like you're taking up their precious fucking time. I don't want to live there, but I really need that kindness. This isn't cute. This isn't crusty or "just the way it is". People here are calculatedly nasty. People run into you with garbage trucks and tell you you're at fault. And I'm not ok with it. And I'm not zen about it. How do I get out?

Chicago

First, check out this photo stream. It's so amazing. Could jellyfish be any cooler?

Ok, I went to Chicago to teach at a festival, and here are some thoughts:

- if you try to take your 5 oz hair product on the plane, they'll take it away from you, but if you divide that same product (bought again) into two containers, you're good to go! Such bullshit.

- Rocco is so attached to me that when I'm gone, he almost becomes feral. He hisses and meows and doesn't know what to do with himself. And when I came back in, it took him a few minutes to re-acclimate and act normal and happy again. My friend Mark came to take care of him and he would come out for bonito flakes and even be petted, but he hissed. He did the same to Amanda. He's a weirdo. My presence keeps him happy, but I wish he were ok without me.

- my stepsister got to see firsthand one of the reasons why these festivals are so hard for me. our new president doesn't have the appropriate social skills or the concern to even acknowledge me in a friendly way. I walked up to him and his girlfriend she said hi (followed by awkward silence) but he would not even look at me. this is not ok for someone who is the president of the organization. he also has done almost nothing, and knows nothing about diplomacy. he's always posting nasty or passive-aggressive comments everywhere that again...not appropriate. I'm trying to figure out who I should approach with this. it's not ok. it's both personally hurtful (to know that I don't count as someone he thinks he needs to even be courteous to) and makes me incensed for this org, and Kim confirmed that. she was appalled.

- Kim is under such stress. she's been trying to start this company for a few years with one main partner, and it's going pretty well, but so far they have not been able to take a salary. her other work isn't much, because her partner told me two years ago that in order to make a go of it she'd need to quit her job. I'm sure this is just par for the course for startups, but in meantime, Kim's husband is pissed at her and wanting her to go back to a salaried position, and this is something she's poured her life into.

- that said, her partner creeps me the hell out. I've met her a few times and don't like her. and Kim says she has a love/hate relationship with her, but they talk multiple times a day (all hours of the day and night. it never stops. there's never an off time. EVER.), obsessing over things, and...it just doesn't seem like a healthy professional relationship. I told her that, just as an observation.

- I ran a women in a cappella panel. it went pretty well though there weren't that many who attended.

before the panel started

- other than that, I didn't do much and we even skipped out on the big concert. I just wasn't feeling it. I can't muster up enthusiasm, and the enthusiasm I do have plummets when I encounter people like our president (others were perfectly pleasant and a breath of fresh air. like, we have two new guys as our education team and they are both delightful and welcoming)

- I worry that I'm someone that noone looks forward to seeing or cares about, even a little bit.

- went to the Chicago Botanical Gardens. it's beautiful.

More to say, but it's time to get ready to go to rehearsal...