good old #16

So that's a panoramic x-ray of my mouth. The left side is on the right. You can see all my dental work. A lot of it. I found out recently that I have to have a wisdom tooth removed (top very right tooth, #16). I have all my wisdom teeth; I've never had an extraction. It's abscessed though not hurting and there's some bone loss (what the FUCK, teeth?). Eventually it will apparently compromise the tooth next to it. I saw an oral surgeon today and he reiterated that it needs to be removed. The options are conscious sedation + novocaine or just novocaine. Now herein lies my problem. As someone who has never:

- been drunk
- been high
- taken a sedative
- had anything other than the most minor of procedures
- had a general anesthetic

the idea of being "checked out" is equally as terrifying to me as the procedure (which is: pretty damn terrifying). I used to watch my father do extractions and they always sounded awful. Noone reacted particularly horribly, they just sounded awful. I have a low pain threshold, a tendency to vaso-vagal out, and a fear of not being there when I'm there/being out of control. So I'm going the novocaine-only route. If I went with the sedative, someone would have to drive me, and thus I'd have to beg someone to drive me, and all of that...makes me feel even more pathetic. The doc said it'd be akin to (the many) root canals I've had, and probably take less time. This makes me feel slightly better, but when I'm there next month, I will be scared shitless to walk down that hallway. My BP was sky high today, and this was just the consult. And this is yet another situation where it sure would be nice to have someone there, to not have to do everything alone.

The whole situation just makes me sad, and worried, because will the teeth shift? Will this lead to more problems? When can I address the crowns that need to be replaced?

cracking

Per the last entry, I filled out Uber's form and they still haven't sent me an envelope to send the phone back. Next step is to restore it and sell it, I guess. I'm sure when it comes down to it, Uber doesn't care about or need this phone. More research needed.

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When I was a kid, probably 10 or so, I was on one of those old playground merry-go-rounds. Like this one, you know? In fact, this one looks very much like it. And it had a hole in the center of it and somehow my foot got caught in the hole while it was going around my foot bent and bent...and then broke. I remember hearing it break, then lying on the ground in pain, and people hovering over me. Some woman came over and said, "STOP CRYING or you'll have to go to the hospital!" And I said, "YES, that's what I want!" My foot was broken. Thus began the summer of the cast, where active little me (and this is when we had a pool) had to get the cast replaced at least 3 times because I kept wearing it out. And swimming in it, with my leg in a bag, despite orders, because I could not be kept out of the pool.

Anyways, it was an early lesson that adults are dumbasses. "STOP CRYING or you'll have to go to the hospital!" Really?? I'm not faking, lady.

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After judging an event last night (and seeing my brother, in town again because: fucking snow), I have finished the artwork for and uploaded all files and info (the most recent in many many steps) for the WACA compilation that will be debuted at our festival next month. Huge job, producing this thing. Then I sent out some followup emails to 3 kids that I'm going to be interviewing for Kenyon. Some WACA posts. Sending out an invoice. Now onto several other things, and a phone meeting at 6. This is Sunday.

I have my heat at 60 and sometimes, no matter what the temp outside is, it's very very cold in here, like now, and sometimes it seems too warm, even though I have the temp set to stay the same all the time. And no it's not hot flashes or anything. Not into that yet, dammit! I think that's just what happens in a badly-insulated house. Right now...too cold. Way too cold.

Last night I had an ongoing, upsetting dream about my sister where I was trying to talk to her about our cousin I don't like but she has an attachment to and we were going from location to location and I could not get her attention. Then we went to see "50 Shades of Grey" at an outdoor theater, though in my dream and in real life I have NO interest in that movie or book, and we sat behind a lumberjack-y guy, my type definitely. She immediately, and I mean immediately starting seriously flirting with him, as usual leaving me in the dust. This has always happened, from the time she had all the boys in her sway when she was way too young to be doing that, to when we were in Greece and she was married and a guy literally ignored me while I stood there and he flirted with her and invited her to a party. It made me cry and she was sympathetic but I also think she doesn't quite understand why I don't stop being fat. Just fucking do it. I'm the clumpy, ugly, fat ducking. And now she's single, dating more than me. I guess her being relentless about exercise makes it such that I should just suck it up and either accept being ugly or do something about it (and weight is only one issues - others I can't talk about), but all these years alone are so hard. I feel so horribly unattractive, when I look in a mirror I'm shocked at how disgusting I am. Is this it?