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Anonymous commenting has been disabled and moderation turned on. Don't like to do it, and for the person who posted a mean and yet oddly uncorrelative comment, you'll need to do so with an identity.

indeed

"A stubborn social realist in an era of pop culture escapism, (Harvey) Pekar was a unique, idiosyncratic voice who'll be deeply missed." - Ken Tucker, Entertainment Weekly

oops, we lost track of time

I've lost my tolerance for the social lies we tell each other. There are some that are necessary, but there are some where both parties realize are lies, and yet we're (those on the listening end) not supposed to say anything about them. My neighbors wanted to come to my show on Sat, but said they could not afford it. I asked the booking person if they could go on a guest list. This is not something I'd normally do in this situation because this show was a fundraiser, and because I was only one act of several. Also, I don't want to jeopardize my chances of playing there again by pissing her off. If it were my show alone and the income loss would be mine, it would not be a problem. But, she agreed when I explained that they really couldn't afford it otherwise.

I explained in advance to my neighbors that they needed to be SURE they could come (they said they would, for sure), I gave them a flyer, I called again to let them know what the date was. They were so excited, and said they never get to go to shows.

And they didn't show up.

They left a message yesterday saying they were at a bookstore and "just lost track of time" and realized that it was showtime, so they blew it off. They still could easily have made it in time to see me and much of the show, as I was in the second half, but no matter. They were at a bookstore, and...oh well, "we didn't get there".

Fuck that.

They wouldn't ever, you can be sure, "lose track of time" on a work day, or for their son's graduation, or a funeral, or anything that there would be consequences for missing. But this apparently came under the category of "optional", and the fact that I'd asked them to be SURE they could come before I asked the booking person for the tickets wasn't enough of a deterrent to blowing it off in the moment so they could stay at a bookstore they can go to anytime.

This happens a lot. People who "oversleep" when it's time to go to church (or insert any other optional activity) do not oversleep. They've decided the night before that they might not - or definitely will not - go the next morning, because they really don't have to. So they lie to themselves and others and say "oops, I overslept" and everyone around them has to ride the lie with them. "Oh sure, that's fine. No problem. You needed the rest." How about "I woke up and decided I didn't want to go"? How about that?

Ultimately, that one doesn't affect me, though. But this one did. And I don't want to be part of lies like this anymore, because I risked my relationship with the booking person (politics of the music business), built over several years, by asking for those tickets, I made it clear to my neighbors they needed to be there if I asked for them, and despite that, they "lost track of time". In other words, they told themselves (probably unspoken) in advance that they didn't have to go, that it was ok if they didn't show up. The last thread of tolerance I had for playacting along with these types of lies has snapped. You can lie to yourself, but I won't play along anymore. If you know me, take heed.

what he said.

"...I was raised by a single mother. I think the definition of a man’s man has shifted in recent times to this sort of fratty bro, different from the older version, which was aloof and distant—Gary Cooper or Cary Grant or James Bond. Now it’s a little vulgar, kind of lowbrow, adolescent. I’m not that guy. Part of being an adult is treating women like women." -Jon Hamm, in W Magazine

THANK YOU. Yes.

no game

So, date #2 was last night and I'm less than enthused. And I'm sad about that. He came up here, got a Zip Car because he doesn't have one, and I made dinner. I had to keep the conversation going, but he does have things to say if you kick the merry-go-round to keep (momentum) going. I've noticed that when I talk to just about anyone about what I'm looking for, they go right into the "you're too picky" speech, or some variation thereof. It's almost like it's automated: "hold on - let me access and press play on TOO-PICKY SPEECH..." Here are some of the things I've heard lately:

• all men are just little boys. You can't expect them to act like men, to go out of their comfort zone, to take any initiative. If you want to be with a man, expect to be his mommy. Accept that. [my response: bull-fucking-shit. I know men who are men, who know how to treat a woman well, how to fix shit and pick up the tab for a meal, who will make a woman feel special, who want to protect her, etc. I don't need a child. If a cowering man-child is my ONLY option, I'm ok being alone.]
  
  
• you don't really want or need chemistry with someone, or if you do, you need to redirect that desire, and just look for someone you connect with, can hang out with, etc. [my response: Um, YES I DO. I am not - at least not yet and I hope to never be - shriveled up and asexual. I do not want a pal, someone who will masquerade as a lover, but who is really the equivilent of an arranged marriage. I want chemistry and sparks in addition to the friendship and the comfort, etc. And I can give as well as I get. I'm ready to do that]
  
  
• there's more to relationships than physical chemistry. [my response: Really? Why would you think I don't know that? I said I want a relationship, not a fuck-buddy, and I do. I'm saying that the physical part of a relationship is essential, just like the emotional part is essential. If requiring that is "too picky", then so be it. Again, I do not need a platonic pal. I have plenty of those.]

These comments are usually followed by a cataloging of the few single men they might know and how they're such incredible losers, they'd never introduce me to them. And they think it's incredibly hilarious to tell me about these guys ("he only has one eye!" "he has OCD!" he's been married 13 times!") when it fact it makes me feel despairing about my "options".

Women "of a certain age" are told in no uncertain terms, and often by other women "of a certain age" that they need to expect less, take whatever's out there, go with it, no matter how wrong it feels. What a disservice we do each other when we do that. Look at the divorce rate. Whatever we're doing - we're not doing it right.

I really (and I mean REALLY) want something to work out. I do these mental gymnastics to try to make it work in my mind, to not see the red flags, to "go with it", but I need to feel that spark. This isn't "Fiddler on the Roof", where we meet on our wedding day and just make it work, until we're forced to leave Anatevka. I am lonely. I want a relationship. And I don't have ridiculous expectations. I'm too old for that. I don't need to have immediate, overwhelming attraction to someone (as long as it happens sometime soon-ish), I accept a larger age range than I otherwise would, and same with income and location and height and weight. Things most men would NEVER compromise on. Yet women are expected to. There are fewer things that are more disheartening to me. More heartbreaking. Because this strikes at the heart of how women are devalued, even by other women.

As for this guy, he has no car, so he took the train to the station the town over from me. I told him how to walk to a restaurant nearby and meet me there. I didn't want our first meeting to be me picking him up at the train station (like his mommy). And the walk was short. But he called me from the train station, apparently not having understood that he was supposed to meet me at the restaurant. I picked a cheap but good Indian restaurant and I don't drink, so I'm an inexpensive date. Despite that, he never offered to pay and said he was "ok with" us splitting it. Really?, thanks dude. This might be ok if we were both in our 20s, but he is 48. 48.

He has a good job. He's smart. He has a doctorate.

Interim emails expressed a lot of insecurity that I "went with" because I have those issues too (just usually don't show those cards to someone I'm just meeting). We planned for him to come up yesterday and I would make dinner. I should note that I have made all the plans and sent him directions when he had no clue how to get here (and indicated he was going to take a route that would take him WAY out of the way), and have kept conversations going. He doesn't offer to bring anything, and doesn't. I make dinner. He offers to help but it's clear he knows nothing about basic kitchen stuff. I show him how to open an avocado. He doesn't offer to do the dishes. There are other subtle things that I don't think I can explain well that make me go "hmmm".

He has no game, no aggression, and says something about how he thinks he's a "nice guy", and nice guys often do finish last. I say that nice is different than not having initiative. I don't know if he gets it. Still, I pull along the conversation, and if I don't, there are silences. He has no car, he alluded to his tiny apartment, and made other comments that suggest that he may be...cheap. And though I have never expected ANYONE to take care of me, I'd like to be taken care of in a romantic sense. Pick up the check. Open the door. Basics. He says nothing complimentary to me. Nothing. Though I did compliment him via email a few times. So though he kisses me, there's no verbal cues, no...romancing. No romancing, dammit. He just goes in for the kiss, and says nothing. I want romancing. That's why I love my (occasional friend with benefits). He compliments me up and down and makes me feel beautiful. And I can give it back too, but you gotta give me SOMETHING.

For someone for whom forced celibacy feels like a prison sentence on a bed of broken glass, that I just can't muster up some feeling for someone like this makes me very sad. It's just sad. I wonder if I'll ever have mutual attraction again, with someone who has some game, some manliness, some initiative. All other qualities are open. Show yourself, please.

preach it, Louis

It's hard to really look at somebody and go, "Hey, maybe something nice will happen!"
I know too much about life to have any optimism
Because I know even if it's nice, it's going to lead to shit.
I know that if you smile at somebody, and they smile back, you've just decided that something shitty is going to happen -Louis CK

In other news, went on a date on Sat. Seemed to go well. As per usual, I'm not holding my breath. And that makes me sad. That I can no longer have any expectations or hopes. I'm guessing though, that unlike his persona, Louis is prolly dating some 30 year old actress and not lamenting his life at ALL. What do you want to bet?