and screw you, too

Things change. Business is business. I know that, and let's just say that right off the bat. Lots of people eventually stop using me as a designer, for various reasons. Usually because they can get someone to do it for free, which, well...whatever.

I have a friend whose site I've been designing and overseeing for a long time. Today she instant messaged me though Gmail to tell me that she found someone who was going to create a "portal" (a few opening pages, apparently) for her site for free, and though she hated to take work away from me, she couldn't turn down free work. I asked if that meant that she was no longer going to use me, and she said no, he was going to just do these front pages and she'd see if she liked his stuff. She also asked for the access info for her site, so he could start doing whatever he will be doing. I told that it's not such a great idea to have two separate designers doing different sections of one site, as it will look sloppy. I told her that in my experience when people tell me things like this, what it actually means is that they're no longer going to be using me, but they don't want to say that, and she could indeed just tell me that. At this point, she stopped responding. I told her I'd put her site on my external hard drive and if she needed me again, I'd have it. And also that it was upsetting to me that she'd tell me this via instant message.

She eventually came back, told me she was "at work" (though as far as I know, this issue is also work-related, so the implication that I'm somehow impeding her workflow is obnoxious) and had people in her office and didn't want them overhearing the conversation, so she thought IM would be better, but that I was being "unreasonable" and that I was making her less interested in continuing to work with me. I asked her where the "unreasonable" part came in. She said I was being hyperbolic and making assumptions. I told her that in my experience, 100% of the time, when people say this, what they MEAN is "I'm not going to be using you anymore", and that I'd rather she just say that. That it was absolutely her choice to do so. She responded, "Thank you. I'll let you know what happens" and that was it.

This is a FRIEND of mine. To me, this is incredibly inconsiderate, not to mention unprofessional. But maybe it's just another example of how damn "over-sensitive" I am, and I really AM "unreasonable". I'm tired of noone being concerned about me. If I express that I'm upset, in ANY form, I'm "unreasonable". I'm tried of being concerned and considerate of everyone else and not having it come back to me. Of reaching out and getting little to nothing back. In any case, the bottom line is that I've had it with everyone. Everyone can fuck themselves. I'm done.

Roccoversary '09

Happy Roccoversary, ya'll. I hope you are appropriately celebrating. Rocco is 3 and Dave and Angie have been happily (and I mean happily) married for 4 years.

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I asked my friend Barry if he was going to be judging the finals of the competition we judged together last year. This is the finals of an international high school and collegiate a cappella competition. I've done a handful of quarter and semi finals already, and the finals are next month at Lincoln Center. Turns out he WILL be judging this year again, and as he said:

And yes, I'm judging this year. It gives me grist for blogs, like "Is A Cappella Really As Hard As It Sounds Sometimes?", "Why Nearly Everyone Hates A Cappella", "If You Want To Sound Like A Fucking Guitar, Buy A Guitar", "If You Spit Into A Microphone, Don't Call It Drumming And Please Clean The Mic", "Bizarre Repertoire Choices for A Cappella", "Excuse Me, But Your Arranger Died", "Whatever You Do, Don't Bag Your Soundcheck", "Voice Lessons, The Gateway to Professionalism", "Doo Wop - The Anachronism That Refuses To Die Because Some People Just Like Out Of Tune Shit", etc....

Is there any question why I just think he's THE SHIT??

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My hair was indeed straightened on Sat and remains so. I'm gonna wash it today, though. Sad. But I just broke down and got a ceramic dryer and some product and I'm going to try it myself. Which will likely be disastrous, or at least disappointing. But I like it SO much better straight. Maybe it's "betraying" my natural self, but you know what? Fuck that. After a whole lifetime of stupid curly hair, THIS is much more appealing to me. Like, WAY more.

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Heading to NYC tomorrow to audition some people, about which I feel..completely ambivalent. I can't really imagine it working out well. But I'm going. We'll see what happens.

blown straight

I'm having my hair blown straight today (judging an event tonight, so I thought it would be fun*). I was talking to my stylist on Thurs and saying that I wanted to get a dryer and try blowing it straight sometimes and she said, "Come here and have me do it and you'll see how much work it is and won't want to do it yourself. It won't be worth it". So she's gonna do it. I've had her and others do it before and I know how long it takes and how much physical effort goes into it. But I love how it looks. I am so BORED with my hair. Curly hair isn't sexy. I could give you a million examples of how that is true. I don't know how anyone blows it dry EVERY DAY. It's such a time commitment. My stepmother's brother's daughters both have curly hair like mine and have blown their hair straight every day since they've been like 12 (they're around 20). Of course now it's totally damaged whereas mine is in really good shape. But once my barter runs out, it's not something I'd want to spend $ on often. In any case, it only lasts till the next time you take a shower or get it wet. It's like a ticking time bomb of curliness, impatiently waiting to exert it's natural/freaky state...

* by the way, I've had a bunch of people ask me recently if the judging thing is like American Idol. Do we sit in a row and tell the competitors what we think of them, if they're "pitchy" or future pop stars? The answer is no. We do sit in a row in front of them while they perform (with hundreds of other people), but we only write our comments and scores, which are then tabulated by...tabulators. We don't speak to them directly. And these are all groups, not individuals. And the organization that oversees these shows WAY pre-dates American Idol. Gah.

Read this

"...that most creepily self-absorbed of all American Idol arguments — the one that goes, I deserve this more than the next guy just because I want it soooo much. That line of thinking, by the way, probably deserves to be inscribed on the tombstone of this decade as it limps toward its interment."

-Mark Harris in Entertainment Weekly, from this article

feeble-minded

Plan: Get laundry done and in dryer before lunch meeting
Reality: Slightly off planning assures that laundry won't finish until 10 minutes after appointed lunch time; leave it in washer, go to lunch, and put it in dryer afterwards

[Get laundry out of dryer and put in car; go to gym]

Plan: Leave coat over purse in car while at gym (to avoid getting a locker)
Reality: Inexplicably take coat inside, leaving purse visible. Realize this halfway through workout. Worriedly leave gym.

[Get gas, throwing wallet on car seat after fillup]

Plan: Get intensive lip balm at CVS
Reality: Once at the register, realize that wallet is in car, though I have purse. Go out to get it and return to get lip balm.

Plan: Take lip balm inside house with me once I get home
Reality: Realize when I'm at the door, I've left lip balm in car door. Go back out and get it

Plan: Take laundry out of car
Reality: Realize once in house (after having gone back out to car to get lip balm) that laundry is still in car. Go back out AGAIN to car to get laundry.

Conclusion: beginning to seriously question memory...

what musicians are really thinking

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as an "movie star"? Well, he's not. As an "SNL" host? Genius. Seriously.

past week's trip and an unwelcome "anniversary"

Back from a whirlwind 6 days in NY and Ohio. Drove early to A and G's to escape the storm. I got takeout from Pancho's, Arricca made delicious foods, we watched TV and some other stuff, got presents and Polish pottery, mailed packages, and got to be co-workers for day. Both of us work alone, so we rarely have people to talk to while at work. People who are actually right THERE, that is. We met G in Schenectady for pizza. Fun was had.

On Tuesday, we left for Ohio, doggies in tow. The lovely below-20 degree weather made traveling DEElightful, I'll tell ya, but we got there. Via Daffins in Sharon, PA. Because...I said so. As A said, "Did you ever think we'd be crossing the border of Liberty Township together?" Nope. Spent some time with Dad and Sue (brought my comic books and record back with me) and Mom (went to this great place for dinner; brought back a bad painting by my grandmother). As usual, being there had its difficulties. It's almost not even worth delving into it. I will say that I just wanted to get home. My hair became incredibly, tinderbox dry and my left hand numbness came back with a vengeance within a day. So yesterday morning, I programmed my GPS to "go home", and many hours later, I was.

p.s. Much of the NY thruway (90) smells like poop. Once you get into MA, it no longer smells like poop. Then again, once you get into MA, the people become exponentially bitchier, so...it's a tradeoff.

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Today it is exactly a year to the day that I got together w/C when he has here performing. He came over before the show, then we had dinner, then the show, then he went home. Not before kissing me and telling me that he felt really comfortable with me and wanted to "explore this". I wish I'd had some sort of clue that "let's explore this" actually meant "I'm going to quickly make myself completely unavailable, but will be very mean and disrespectful to you with no apparent remorse." And that is what happened. There were red flags that I ignored that first night, like how he asked if a prescription bottle in my coffee table was an antidepressant (it wasn't, and his asking was a complete nonsequitor, not to mention presumptuous). He also asked me if I was "crazy", after telling me how his last ex had been actively stalking him for 3 years. This was all within the first few hours. He's also 12 years older than me.

Despite that, he seemed like a cool guy, told me he'd had a crush on me years ago, is a fantastic musician, and damn, he was a really good kisser. We had a nice time. So I opened my mind to the possibility. Very quickly, however, he became less and less available. Though I called infrequently (and we didn't email or text at ALL), he soon would rarely answer the phone when I called, and canceled many plans on me. I gave him the benefit of the doubt with each excuse and tall tale, and was sympathetic when he told me outrageous stories of the ex, the ex who was so "dangerous" that he wouldn't allow me to come to his house lest she drive by.

The ex drama was ridiculous - multiple fake suicide attempts in his name, false allegations of child abuse, going to his gigs and making scenes, constant drive-bys. And in the midst of all of it, asking him to get back together with her. She was an alcoholic, she was bipolar, she had no job, he told me. There were other dramas not related to her: a near-fatal car accident in 05 or something, where he was rear-ended by a drunk cop, was hospitalized for months, and ended up getting nothing in compensation because the guy was a cop. He'd spent his savings on his medical care. He turned down a significant check from a fellow musician out of pride. He still wasn't 100% but was/is performing again. I felt so badly for the guy.

There's much I'm leaving out about his own personal issues, because 1.) they're extensive, and 2.) I still feel protective of him.

He told me he hadn't wanted to be in a relationship for some years, but now was "open to you" (something he later denied ever having said, even though that is verbatim what he said). But the cancellations continued, and each time I gently suggested I come to his place (since he was always on the road and lives a few hours from me), he seemed to get angrier. He wouldn't take control of the antics of the crazy ex, and continued to say she was "dangerous". So we'd have to meet here. We did. And being together in person was nice. We connected in many ways, though talking on the phone was greuling. On the phone, he was distracted and disinterested. In person, he was engaged and caring. On the phone, he said things to me like, "You don't factor in" (when I gingerly asked him how I factored in to his life), and rarely asked about me. In person, he acknowledged our chemistry and made comments suggesting that there would be a future something (I did no such thing, as I'm very careful until I know that things are TRULY turning into something). He suggested multiple times that we should perform together. I never brought it up myself, because I would never push myself on someone in that way.

I kept giving him outs, asking him if he'd rather not be in touch. Each time, he was annoyed, said no, said he was just (insert excuse here). More plans broken. Some not. When he finally was going to stay over one night (after a gig a few hours from here), we got back here at 2am and he got jittery and panicky about an upcoming flight and gig in CA, and he left. When I said, "No, I wish you wouldn't leave", he yelled at me to stop pressuring him, or something like that. I had been so looking forward to his staying, had gotten lots of food for breakfast, etc. Thought we might actually have more than a few hours together. But he left. And was reluctant to talk to me afterwards.

It would take too long to recount what led up to the last time I saw him in person, but suffice to say that it and its aftereffects and his behavior were so out there and upsetting that I'm still, 7 months later, reeling from it. And he hasn't spoken to me since. I carefully and tactfully asked other mutal musician friends about their experience with him, and the few I spoke to seemed to have his number, but they deal with him as they can, and still love him. I get it. He's the kind of person you want to be around and take care of.

I spent a month writing a letter that was vetted through A (writer who I'd trust with my LIFE) and stepsister Kim (psychologist), both of whom declared it to be well written and thought out (if giving him TOO much credit) and coherent. Sent the letter in October...never heard back. He couldn't be bothered or respectful enough to acknowledge it. As someone who is friends with everyone (I) have been involved with, I cannot wrap my mind around this. I like things to be civil and respectful. I never yelled at him or raised my voice, but he did...more than once. In ways that I was astounded to hear from someone in his 50s. In ways that adults should not act. I was treated horribly by this guy, but he is a slave to his pattern, one that he recreates over and over, whether the players involved follow the script or not. I didn't follow the script, so he decided that the best way to deal with that would be to REACT as if I had, and stop communicating with me. It's infuriating and heartbreaking.

I can respect and have sympathy for someone struggling with mental problems, as I'm not unfamiliar. What I cannot respect is when someone chooses to leave victims of their chosen bad behavior strewn about because (he) refuses to deal with these issues. And believe me, there are many others like me, others that no longer speak to HIM.

A few bottom lines:

- I am so sick of this thing that men do where as soon as YOU express interest, they are no longer interested. That's bullshit. Do all men really want someone who is DISinterested in them? How long would that shit hold up? What's that about? It's crap, is what it is. And there is a wide gap, a fucking chasm, even, between showing someone you're interested in them (especially when they expressed - and very clearly - their interest first) and being "crazy". I am absolutely not the latter, and never have acted that way, not even CLOSE. In fact, I'm reluctant and ultra-careful. I don't try to push anyone into ANYthing. And I resent the implication (via action) that I did.

- I was listening to a Dan Savage podcast yesterday where a young gay guy said that he's not interested in sex very much (yet he's still having sex), he has issues to work out (some past sexual abuse), but he's still dating. What should he do? Dan said that implicit in the "contract" you have with someone you're dating (on any level) is that you're emotionally and sexually available going in. If you're NOT available, DON'T DATE. Don't sleep with them. Don't hurt people, including yourself. Work out your own shit first. Don't leave a trail of victims. Leave the campsite better than when you got there.

And as this continues to take up space in my head and heart, I'm still not sure what to do. And there isn't anything TO do. But for the foreseeable future, I have to skip past him when he pops up on my iPod.

So yeah. A year.