tissue paper beings

Ok, while my allergies rage on...

I have been thinking about how many people I know, many of them young, have had serious health problems lately. M has some mysterious dizziness issue that they think is a virus, but it's been probably close to two months now and he's essentially not functional. He can't walk without a walker or wheelchair, can barely move his head, certainly can't work or leave the house (without being driven and taking the walker, so he only leaves for doctor's appts) and they have no idea when it will go away. In the midst of it he also had a back surgery (unrelated). That's left Andrea as his full time caregiver, who is also working full time and supporting them. It's wearing her down. He's in his early 50s.

Chris' recovery has been longer than expected, but she's on the upswing.

My friend P told me that her brother (55) who's been aging surprisingly fast and is very anxious/depressed, really seems like an old man at this point. So he was taken, by his ex-wife (now remarried) to a neurologist last week and they think he has Parkinson's. My worst fear. They've put him on dopamine to see how he reacts and that will determine if he has it. If he improves on it, that indicates that he has it. So awful. And P, who is a hypochondriac who thinks she has everything...to have her brother diagnosed with something that really is about as bad as it gets, and so young...

And A's mother died this week, after 4 years battling stage 4 colon cancer. I hope, at the very least, they feel some relief that she's out of pain now, and the long battle is over. I had my father and stepmother take over some food (as it turned out, the day before she died) and at first my father didn't understand or want to do it. My stepmother didn't even question it, and eventually he was on board with the idea too or at least went along with it. I don't care, as long as they got some food. I sent them a thank you card today.

Are we truly so very very fragile? And how much more difficult does it get to recover from anything as we age? Things we might have bounced back from in a few days take much longer. Makes it clear that it's probably time for me at least to really take control of my health. I know that the long term effects of stress and (I just heard this again) being single are very deleterious to one's health, and I can FEEL that. I just don't know how I can eliminate stress and make a partner appear. 

not the kind of danish ring I wanted

My hair's thinner now. I guess maybe that means I now have a normal person's amount of hair, but it's really flipping me out. I'm not sure if I'm losing hair or it's just another delightful side effect of aging. It's not like there are patches missing or anything, but it's definitely thinner. I'm on some new meds which may help this, but if it seems like it's getting worse, I'll see someone. But last night I had a dream I was looking in a mirror and it wasn't just that I was losing hair, but I was actually a man. I was a middle aged man with a big round head and just a little bit of hair, the danish ring of hair, almost bald. I panicked. Somehow I managed to tell myself, "you're dreaming, you're dreaming" and got out of that. But it was pretty horrible. That's happened a few times now, this lucid dreaming.

This may also be because I watched a documentary about Buck Angel, who I've known about for a while, the self-proclaimed "man with a pussy", who is a very butch, bald dude, but...as advertised, has a pussy, used to be a woman. So he's now an adult entertainer in a very niche category. And just listening to him talk about always wanting to be a boy, identifying with everything male when he was a girl, is so foreign to me. I never wanted to be a boy. I don't know anything else but being female. Of course, there are things are being male that are intriguing, and seem much much easier. In fact, much of this whole bullshit aging process seems easier on men, and seems very very tough on women. Nature is quite cruel, it seems, when it comes to women and age. But I cannot imagine how terrible it must be to feel like you aren't the right sex? I mean, how essential is that to who we all are? In any case, it - along with now worrying about my hair - clearly did something to my subconscious.

my girl

Today I paid the final bill for Shirley. I really can't afford it but I put it off too long. And the person on the phone couldn't find her in the database because she was no longer there. I had to explain that this was her final bill. Then she got it. I really miss her. 14 years. That's a long time.

I might get another pet at some point, but for now, Rocco's good. I hope he's ok though. He seems happy - he loooves me - but he also does this thing where he sometimes paces into this one little room, onto a file cabinet, jumps off the file cabinet, back onto the file cabinet, repeat several times. I can sometimes re-route him but I think he has lots of energy, and maybe he wants a friend. Or maybe it's the result a long fucking cold cold cold cold winter where he didn't get to go out because I can't stand to go out. I don't know.

Crab Crab Crab

Things I don't understand:

Is St. Patrick's Day really about anything other than drinking/getting drunk + wearing green? I mean, it has some convoluted origins, I know, and I also know they're mostly incorrect but noone cares, but are there any ceremonies or celebrations associated with it that people...take part in other than "get drunk/wear green"? Because frankly that seems like the stupidest premise for a "holiday" ever. Like anyone needs another excuse to drink.

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If you keep your Christmas tree up for 4 months or more, doesn't that kind of diminish the specialness of the season? I mean, I don't want it to be Thanksgiving for 4 months, or my birthday for 4 months. That just seems weird to me. And...well, I don't really understand the concept of holiday decorating anyways. I like decorating, and I have good taste, but I don't decorate my house with little holiday trinkets because 1.) I don't have children and 2.) I'm an ADULT. Who isn't infantalized. I also don't have a doll or teddy bear collection. Yes, I see doll collection and holiday decorating as the same kind of thing.

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I guess it's never "too soon" to joke about anything, as anyone is welcome to joke about whatever they want to. It's a free country and anyone's free to be tactless and just say "I'm not PC!" to deflect, but every time I see someone joking about this missing Malaysian flight, I DO think it's "too soon" because I can't help thinking about the families and friends of those missing 230 people. There are children and mothers and fathers and husbands and wives who are in a harrowing, horrible situation right now because their loved ones have simply vanished from the earth. Imagine if it were you. And sure, you're welcome to joke about it, but...must you? I mean, I didn't see a lot of people joking about Sandy Hook a week after several children and adults were gunned down. How come? How come that wasn't "funny"? They were all Americans? No mystery? Clear "villain"? To me this is another situation where I see people turning off their empathy, and I really wish they wouldn't. So yeah, I do kinda think it's "too soon".

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I love animals and am very much an animal advocate. I can't STAND to hear about animals being harmed. It hurts my heart. But dammit, if you post pictures of animals being abused on Facebook, I will hide that shit IMMEDIATELY, thereby effectively squelching your message, at least from me. I do not want to see that popping up randomly, in my face, those horrific images. I mean, people don't post pics of children being abused - why would they post pics of animals being abused? We GET IT. Horrific things are done, and some people are terrible to animals and that should stop. But throwing them on Facebook is sort of akin to those people who stand outside of abortion clinics with pics of bloody fetuses. Just stop. Not the place.

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I could do without hearing people like Louis CK and Marc Maron talking about how they have no money. If you're filling large theatres and have your own TV shows, you're doing ok. Shut up. 

And this concludes this episode of Crab Crab Crab.

no stadium tour

I read somewhere (maybe Facebook) that it's bad to compare lives on Facebook because you're comparing your whole life to their highlight reel, and maybe that's true. But I also think that I know a lot of people living some pretty spectacular lives AND I know how to tell which are the braggers and which aren't. I mean, when I say that I have friends who are playing stadiums, I'm not kidding. This was yesterday, in Norway:

I kinda want to hate them, but they're really nice guys. This isn't their "highlight reel", but their every day for the next month+ and after that, they won't be playing stadiums, but it won't suck either. They've been doing quite well. 

But it's hard to see that sometimes people will post something silly and get tons of response and then I post something that's really important to me (like, I just posted that I'm on the staff of Swannanoa this year) and...a very few responses. And I mean a few. Less than 10. Out of over 1000 friends? That's what people think of me? That's how people engage with me? It's a true, honest assessment of my social "value", which aligns with my self-value, which is low. Way low. I notice that when someone else posts a big announcement, a big deal for them, others pick up on it and respond appropriately. With me, not so much. Crickets. How can I NOT take that personally? This is something I'm truly terrified to do and I really could have used a good boost, but no. Not getting it there, I guess. 

Drove to CT to judge another event last night. I'm so disinterested in these now, I must admit. I don't feel like I'm doing anything for anyone, and I don't feel like this has led me anywhere. It just all feels like a waste. I feel like a waste.

dizzy-cold

I live in a constant state of existential crisis. That's no joke, and it's also no fun (understatement). In fact, it pretty much blows. When I hear people say things like, "I just choose to be positive!!!!" I want to punch them in the face, because if I could "just choose", I certainly would. I'm doing the best I can. That's all I can do right now. But if I want to accelerate this state of existential crisis 100-fold, all I have to do is talk to my father, which is why I try not to talk to my father. I had sent him a card, just to say hi, and he called and I really didn't want to call back, but about 4 days later, the first time I had time, I did. Because here's what I'm doing right now:

-producing two major shows, one in April, one in May (and the May show is actually two shows, bringing in a major podcast)
-starting to work on 50th anniversary celebration for the Nameless
-on the production committee for festival in OR in May that I'll be attending/teaching, so there are constant meetings and correspondences about that
-on the production committee for festival here in April that I'll be attending - ditto
-the band, but I'm leaving that
-CASA stuff
-Vance stuff
-Viking Construction stuff
-design stuff
-other Women's A Cappella stuff
-judging events for ICCA (last week in Plymouth; this week in CT, etc)
-trying to be prepared for Swannanoa (this is very scary to me)

So the first thing he does is ask why it took so long to call back. I try to explain all the things I'm doing. He doesn't really listen or express interest in any of the things, as per usual. He at some point asks about "the cats" and I remind him that Shirley died recently. He forgot, so he launches into his soliloquy about how pets are important. He also says he knows that Michael is filming his movie but that apparently one of his big investors pulled out and he doesn't know how he'll make that work (always finding the dark, negative underbelly of any accomplishment*), then onto, AGAIN, telling me about my stepbrother's "castle" and how he has a house behind his house that his kids' tutors live in or some shit, but that his marriage continues to be a mess and his business partner is suing him but that he lives in opulence. He asks "what else" I'm doing. I say "wait, that's not enough??" and he asks if I'm dating anyone or anything. No, I'm not, and it makes me sadder than I can even say because it feels like I never will. Then again, I guess it's nice that he asks because everyone else seems to have given up on me, like noone else even thinks I'm viable to be in a relationship anymore. But he also always asks "big questions" when I don't want to talk about big questions in every conversation, like if I'm supporting myself, and how can I take a week off to teach at this program. Not that it's very fucking prestigious and apparently my classes are filling up already and they haven't even been announced publicly. The darkness, the lack of connection, the focus on nothing but money, the pity and derision and sadness. Ultimately, somewhere, it's meant to be helpful. It isn't.

And even though I had a break last month in LA for a few days, I can't remember what it's like to be warm outside and this weather is just miserable. Absolutely miserable. Looking at unending upcoming days in the 20s and teens, unseasonably cold, and that's how it's been all winter. Last winter was so nice and mild, I thought, "this is a winter I can deal with", but this is a winter I can NOT deal with. I've GOT to get out.

Waves of despair.

Back to work. Yes, I'm working on a deadline. It's time to announce the CARA nominees and people are waiting and they will pointedly let us know if we don't announce in time...

*no, I am no "just like him", in case that's what you're thinking. that oversimplifies this situation