don't give me this stuff

I really wish that people would not give me gag gifts. I'd rather have no gift. Because I can't do anything with it, I have to pretend I like it, and I don't have room for it, so I have to quickly get rid of it somehow. There aren't a lot of things I'll cop to being good at, but I'm good at giving gifts. I really think I can come up with something that people actually want and appreciate, because I pay attention to their interests and likes (and dislikes). But mostly the only gifts I get now are gag gifts and I just don't want them. I know I sound like a dick saying this, but something thoughtful would mean more, even flowers. Something dumb that can only be put into a closet or given away doesn't do me any good, and makes me feel bad because though I always appreciate being given something, I don't appreciate being given something that's wholly useless to me. If it's tacky/dumb/jokey, it won't be staying in view, especially if it has cats on it. And since it's the holidays/my birthday the few gifts I get, the gag gifts, are starting to come in. They'll be re-homed soon. Sigh. The one person who always gets me something I want and/or need is my sister. I am so thankful at least she knows what I like.

oh Louis...

I've been thinking a lot about Louis CK lately, and he's been everywhere too, for which I'm glad. He's one of EW's entertainers of the year, as he should be. His series is groundbreaking and brilliant, and I and many others are astounded and delighted that it's been renewed for season...3, I believe? His uncompromising vision could easily have led the suits to ditch it for any of the many TV rules he's broken, and yet there it still is, a shining example that smart TV is viable, and people will watch something that isn't dumbed down.

He recently released a comedy special in an online-only format, for $5, and for that you get 2 streams and 2 downloads. It was an experiment to a large extent. He paid for it on his own, and it seems like it will be profitable. In fact, that seemed clear within a few days of its release. Again, he dares to break the rules and the fans are right here with them, myself one of them. As a friend of mine said, he's teaching us a masterclass. On marketing, on creative marketing, on rule-breaking and control in mediums that aren't known for those things, on being true to your vision/s.

I appreciate his commentary on sex. Appreciate and am appalled by and am fascinated by. His frankness is impressive. It's never meant to be sexy, and is fact often the opposite. Just a stripped down analysis of this continual biological drive. Yet it's still hilarious, in a "I can't believe he said that!" kind of way. He's not what I'd call a particularly attractive guy, very everyman, but there's something about his face. It's a very sweet face, maybe a face that belies what's going on inside that mind. Though he bemoans his state of sexual affairs, I have little doubt that he has trouble finding women, at least now. So I can't feel too bad for him. He did recently say on Reddit that when women (fans) proposition him, he turns them down because he finds the whole thing seedy and strange. Good for him.

When you're a dad, you see every grown female, especially young ones, as possible models for your daughter's future...
I don't really hang around after shows. I bolt.
I think the idea of fucking someone who just watched you perform is... it's just not me. I mean, keep trying ladies. You never know! Maybe next time there won't be a well adjusted and bright young woman acting as my concious and ruining what may have been a terrificly depressing blowjob!

In any case, I've been thinking a lot lately about how people seem to sub-divide into the Big Creative Thinkers or the Processors as time goes by, and if you have a job and can just keep processing shit, you're good to go. Noone will call you on the fact that you're not innovating because your position doesn't require it (or at least you don't have to continually reinvent yourself). But if you're not a processor and innovating doesn't come easily, you get stuck, and that's where I am. Completely stuck. So I find myself jealous (and yet happy for) of people like Louis, like my more-than-a-friend (who I saw twice this week, and that is its own torturous story).

So I ended up having a dream about Louis last night. He must have gotten in there (my subconscious) somehow, and it was a good dream, ya know? And right in the middle of it, Rocco decided it was time to start running around and yowling (which he does several times a night) and he fucking woke me up. Gah, I don't even get to have satisfying dreams. Today, I'm really not happy with Rocco, and I'm feeling like I might implode.

UPDATE: He's now donating some of the profits from the special to charity. He just keeps getting more and more impressive. 

you're killin' me

Stop it, stop it, stop it. Stop being so...that.

two dreams

DREAM: I'm traveling somewhere and some boy, about 12, is showing me an animal enclosure he takes care of. There are all sorts of small-ish animals in there, in cages. They all seem happy and well taken care of and he seems to really know them all very well. For some reason, I'm carrying Rocco with me. When leaving this enclosure, I notice that there are lots of snakes that aren't in cages, but are sort of hanging from the ceiling, like chandeliers. One of them reaches down and latches onto Rocco. I manage to detach it and take it to some vet but it doesn't look good.

REALITY: I love animals, but I do not love snakes. I don't run screaming from them, and my nieces have had them, but I'm not a fan. They're creepy and mean. Obviously I want no harm to come to Rocco, but I wonder why I'm worried about it.

DREAM: I'm at some house and trying to take a shower but the shower is all glass and outside and there are lots of people milling around, watching. And laughing. I'm trying to put things up to obscure me, but it's not really working, so I get out and try to find a more private shower.

REALITY: I have a lot of these dreams. I'm so unhappy with my body lately, even moreso than usual. It's so blobby. I know I have to get in shape and this is my last chance to do so, and maybe I'm too late already. And it's going to be hard work and nothing else will make it happen. And it won't be fun. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. And noone will want me until that happens. Or at least I won't have the real influence that I want to until then. I'm vaguely interesting, but not the whole package, and can't be the whole package without getting in shape, and I don't like to look at me this way. I'm not visually pleasing to myself. Gross.

the cycle that damages

I know someone (young) who's been ranting on Twitter lately that all this attention on bullying is a little too much since bullying doesn't really exist, and we're just making kids into pussies by not letting them fight it out amongst themselves. In other words, the classic response you'd expect of a conservative, hard-assed dude somewhere north of 55. Someone who believes in the Lord of the Flies model of adolescence because that's how it was when he was growing up, dammit. But surprising from a 20-something guy I thought was pretty enlightened. And I'm not gonna argue with him on Twitter, though I'd certainly discuss it with him in person if I saw him.

This is a topic that, though not near and dear, is of interest to me because I was bullied, relentlessly. But I was no pushover. I fought back. Hard. And I won. I'm strong. I got into fights. Fistfights. Rolling through the neighborhood fights. Over and over. And you don't want to get me mad. I didn't want to do it, I never instigated, EVER, and it stopped when I was probably...11? 12? But before then it was pretty common (the physical fights - the mental stuff continued on). If not physically, verbally. I'm shy, I have curly hair (curly hair was even more freakish decades ago, and not acceptable at ALL, esp when red - good fucking lord), I desperately wanted to be accepted. A recipe for disaster, a bully's wet dream. Yes, I told teachers, and parents. And they all ignored me. Teachers were too scared of the bullies to act, or too unconcerned. Parents wanted me to fight it out on my own. I was, but it wasn't working. Yeah, they'd stop for a while, but then new ones took their place, or the same old ones came back, like a fucking fungus.

Without putting too fine a point on it, I can tell you that it damaged me in ways that changed me at a cellular level, at a biochemical level. Ways that I cannot recover from. And I do not say that lightly or for melodrama's sake. Nor do I say it with relish. But that is the legacy of bullying. So when they say that everyone who stands by and watches it happen is also complicit, that is TRUTH. Anyone who can help and doesn't is failing to prevent a lifelong type of damage that isn't visible, but is horrendous. So no, my young naive friend, letting kids fight it out amongst themselves is not a good model, and stepping in to set things right does absolutely NOT make the victims "pussies" (jesus, I'd like to re-up my ass-kicking skillz when I hear shit like that) - quite the opposite. It makes them empowered, strong, and ready to face the world in ways that allowing them to be shredded does not. You cannot tell me that leaving mean kids to stew in that kind of dangerous unchecked aggression is somehow better than getting together with intervening, level-headed peers or adults and talking through why they feel the need to be such shits, and maybe diffusing said aggression and even forging bonds? That 50's mentality must be destroyed. It dismays me that people so young are perpetuating it. You think bullies cease to exist after they hit 15 or so? Think again. Many grow up to be dicks, dicks you have to interact with as adults, who become your co-workers, your bosses, your boy or girlfriend, your spouse, and who then become parents...of fresh little bullies. Is that what we want?

not easy being green

Last night I went (last minute invite from new-ish friend) to the big holiday concert at the Old North Church here in town. The music director is my ex's ex, so that's interesting. She does a beautiful job, and it's a HUGE production, with an enormous chorus, bell choir, brass ensemble with percussion, and a children's choir. And it was packed. And they all did a great job, especially the children's choir.

I was looking around at all the moneyed white people (so fun at this time, particularly). So many many white people in a very white town. In fact, I only saw one black person, as I was leaving. That includes all of the performers. That reminded me that a few months ago my friends were performing up here and all of the people involved in the event were wearing blue t-shirts. One of my friends performing, who is black, was wearing a bright green sweater. And he said to me, noticing that he was the only person of color around, "I am feeling very...green". "It's not easy being green", I said.

And then we cracked up.

This is a guy* whose smile lights up everything around him. I'd take him in his green sweater over a room full of crusty conservative white people in this town any day.

*Sometimes he appears on The Daily Show

The Daily Show
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

thanks for playing

Dream: I am doing an arrangement of "Firework", and I give it to CD (friend and TSO arranger) on the set. But it's written on a Post-It in some dashes-and-dots notation that only makes sense to me. He takes it, looks at it, and says, "I'll just put this over here", and sets it aside, and goes back to coaching whatever group he's coaching. I'm dismissed.

Yeah, that about covers it.

[I told CD the dream and he thought it was funny that I got the whole song on one Post-It. Well it made sense in the dream...]

local vs. national

I don't believe much in karma, just as I don't believe that positive thinking makes things better (and the below story supports my contention scientifically - it's not just me being crabby y'all. it'd be great if a good dose of mental oomph could turn everything around, but science says otherwise). The same, if we follow this model, applies to prayer, but I'm assuming that Sunday Morning/CBS wasn't quite brave enough to go there and offend the amount of people they'd offend by suggesting that prayer is bullshit. But people like to continue to believe things even past the time they are definitively proven wrong. Evolutionarily, there's a reason we do this, but it's still kind of amusing/maddening. People will continue to believe that positive thinking will turn things around, as will prayer. Oh well. This is really worth watching though.

I digress. Though I don't believe in karma, I know people who do, and today some of them would say that there's proof of that. I know I just complained about vaguebooking and here I am not explaining myself, but I just can't in this instance. I'd like to, but I can't.

Semi-related, I think a lot lately about how people operate on local or national levels. I know so many on the latter and it's tough for me (feeling like I should be there but am instead in some nowhereland), but I also know many on the former who think themselves more important than they are. The person receiving her "negative karma" now is solidly local but thinks herself a national star, so sometimes our categorizations become confused. The theater in my town is, typically, rife with politics and drama that I find intolerable (very "Waiting For Guffman"), mostly because it's petty and they put on mediocre shows. Some of it could be forgiven if they were putting up stellar productions, but all the drama AND crappy shows? Eh, I can't be bothered. I saw a show there a few weeks ago that was a trainwreck...and had to hear about all the backstage drama. Solidly local, but that's their world. To them it's huge. If there's drama/conflict at your kids' school, that's local but it seems huge to you because it's your universe. Conversely, I know so many people working on national TV shows, touring nationally and internationally, truly on the world stage, lecturing nationally, making impressions and waves and moves that will continue to propel them upwards, whereas the local moves remain mostly lateral moves: from one community theater show to another and you're still in the same place, and you can still be in the same exact place 20 years later, deep in a rut you aren't even aware is a rut. And maybe that's all you wish for, in which case, we're all set, you and I. I have no problem with that, and am in fact happy for you (except for the undue drama part - that's stupid). But since this is about me, me, me (!), I know that I'm uncomfortable with a solid, unmoving local existence. As per usual, I expected more of myself. I have no interest in distracting myself with trumped up drama to create false importance. I just want...importance. To be important. To do important things. To be important to others. To create. To be valued, valuable, loved. And I feel like I'm none of those. And people will be more interested, of course, in those that play on a national stage than they will be in me. So that's the added slap in the face, knowing that I'm less desirable because of what I'm trying to be but I'm not.

"How the kind of woman willing to wait's
Not the kind that you want to find waiting
To return you to the night,
Dizzy from the height,
Coming from the hat,
Studying the hat,
Entering the world of the hat,
Reaching through the world of the hat
Like a window,
Back to this one from that."
-Stephen Sondheim, "Finishing The Hat"

a tale of redemption

Here's a story of disappointment and redemption. First I went to my eye doctor today. He asked how things were since the incident where I lost my sight just about a year ago. Fine, I said. We talked about that for a while. Ya know, I think a few friends think I made it up. That I wanted attention or that it was a psychological reaction. And that makes me mad. Nope, he said. It was an actual, physiological response to the allergy skin test. I saw you and I saw the degradation, and I saw also that it was correctable with lenses, so that proved that it wasn't psychological. That was nice to hear, even though I already knew it.

Came home and my neighbor asked if I would take her to pick up prescriptions for her son. Her car, which is always having problems, is once more in the shop. Ok, let's go, I said. She wanted to go to through the drive-through for the pharmacy. I was almost out of gas, the woman at the window took forEVER, and lo and behold, my car ran out of gas right there at the window. I'm fairly sure the last time I ran out of gas was when I was 16. How embarrassing. I got out of the car to push it out of the way, and a woman two people behind in the drive-through line starts honking. I went to her and said, "my car just ran out of gas. I'm going to push my car out of the way." "This is BULLSHIT!", she said, starting to back out. "Sorry I inconvenienced you", I said, and not happily. Her response? "STUPID BITCH!" as she drove away. Yeah, that was her response to my running out of gas, which frankly is much more of a hardship and inconvenience for me than it was for her. Pushing the car out of the way took approximately 1 minute, and the drive-through was freed up again. Unbelievable with the nastiness, and yet...so typical of people around here. It frankly infuriates me.

A call to roadside assistance and we find out that it will be over an hour to have gas delivered, so I decide to walk to the nearest gas station, which isn't that far. Once I get there, I ask the guy if they have containers for gas and that I've run out of gas, and a guy behind me says he has a container and I can use his. So nice. I get a gallon of gas and into a car with a stranger (what the hell!) and back we go to my car where my neighbor waits. "Hey, it's Steve", I say to her and she gives him a big hug. Now, this doesn't phase me because she hugs everyone, but it becomes clear immediately that they actually know each other! She's asking about his family, his father, his brother, their business...craziness! So a stranger offered to help me, and it turns out he wasn't a stranger. After being called a "stupid bitch" for running out of gas by yet another Masshole. One redeems another. Thanks, Steve.

quit it

I find that I have varying tolerance for vaugebooking and humblebragging on Facebook and Twitter and the like. Today that level = very low. If you want to be obscure and mysterious, must you do it such that everyone has to be subjected to your pretentiousness? If you're too scared to say what you mean, how 'bout just don't say it? And the bragging? Well, I don't think I need to explain why that's annoying. What's surprising is how many people do it. Let me see if I can pull a few from my current newsfeed...

...is entering a new chapter in his life. Thanks to those few that understand and still care about me. There aren't many of you. (vaugebooking AND humblebragging)

Homemade Thai lemongrass shrimp soba soup. Yummmmm. Belly is now very warm and full. (humblebrag)


praying...always praying. ♥ (vaugebooking)


Victorious victory is victorious!!! (vaugebooking AND humblebragging)

Actually, these aren't that bad. I've seen much worse. But I find these practices self-indulgent and obnoxious. One might say what I'm doing right now is self-indulgent and obnoxious, but at least I'm not skirting around what I'm talking about, nor am I bragging while pretending not to brag.

Bleah.

"People started screaming, pulling and pushing each other, and then the whole area filled up with pepper spray," another shopper recalls. "I guess what triggered it was people started pulling the plastic off the pallets and then shoving and bombarding the display of games. It started with people pushing and screaming because they were getting shoved onto the boxes." -this article

Hmmm, and yet I'm the Scrooge for pointing out how truly awful and anti-"spirit of the season" this is? I'm the Scrooge? Not the people shoving and fighting and pepper spraying each other to get small discounts? Ok...

no thanks

Add this to the list of things I don't understand: Pandora bracelets. I think they're simply ugly. Junked up, overpriced, dumb trend. Man, that shit is awful. Charm bracelets for middle-aged and older women who have no taste, or the men who think they want them. But whoever came up with them is a genius, because they've convinced people they're elegant (they're not). You buy each bead separately, and the very cheapest ones are $25. They go up into the thousands for a single bead. That bracelet to the left has 20 beads, so you do the math. No, I'll do it for you. At a very very minimum (and many of those are definitely not the $25 ones), that's $500 for that atrocity. Tastelessness comes at a (steep) price.

UPDATE: ha ha - now my ads (to the right) are for Pandora! Wrong demo, friends.

no-turkey zone

I'm alone on Thanksgiving for the first time, well, ever. Due to some unfortunate circumstances, I am not in OH, and I had the option of driving myself (11 hours each way, almost wholly toll road), but just couldn't muster the strength/interest to do it. And Thanksgiving's a big deal at our house. Big crowds, people come from all over the country, etc. It's really fun, so I'm sorry I'm missing it. I got a few last minute invites, but decided not to go to those either. It's hard for me to be in big groups where I know noone, especially when it's a traditionally "family" event. It's hard enough for me at home to be still-single, but among a lot of strangers? I can't shake the feeling everyone's wondering why I'm there. But I really wish I had some turkey. I love turkey, and it's not like I ever make myself a turkey. That'd be silly.

I haven't been able to get myself to do much today. I put up a few articles and answered emails, gave myself a (painful - ow) shot, made some eggs...meant to go out for a walk but didn't do that either.

I'm trying to square the saying "the heart wants what the heart wants" with (what could be) just following the same destructive pattern. Which am I doing here? It will all be likely irrelevant soon. My heart certainly hurts to think about that. But despite the stats and how unlikely it all is, well, the heart wants... This is how I've felt for at least a few years, keeping quiet until recently. I've written and deleted posts here about (him). Though not flawless (of course), I do adore him. I have absolutely no idea what he thinks of me except that he likes me enough to consider this and to be my kinda-more-than-friend.

sandwich

I'm getting very very tired of people who say things like, "I don't GET the whole social media thing. It's just not for me". That's both meant to shame me (because I do use it, professionally and personally), and to dismiss it whole cloth. It certainly is not meant to be an entree into actually LEARNING about social media, because they've already dismissed it. Thus when people say it, I don't even try to explain or defend.

I'm going to call these people the "tweet my lunch" people. They're the ones who think that social media only exists to announce trivial goings-on about one person's life, like (what they had for) lunch. That's like saying the internet consists wholly of kitty videos. Yes, there are kitty videos (cute!). But that's a FRACTION of the internet's whole content. There are myriad types of social media outlets, and they can be used in many many ways, for professional and personal interests. Yes, people can use it ridiculously, and many do. But many use it as a legit form of marketing and communication. I am one of those people. I can show you proven results that I've achieved for my clients via social media marketing. Today alone - we tweeted George Carlin's daughter, because V used to be his opening act. She replied and it turns out she has a radio show, and she's inviting him to be on it. Done. That would not have happened without Twitter. Also today, an NY Times columnist tweeted to his over 6000 followers about V's recent airline incident. That's 6000+ people who will now know his name, if not read his story. Hmmm, I see no mention of lunch in either of those examples.

And companies are taking notice (not of me, but in general). Any company worth its salt knows they need to be part of this. And again, there are ways to do this wrong, and many do. And I only know a fraction of what I'll ultimately learn. It's complex and changing. There are ways of measuring results, there are right and wrong ways to do things, there's etiquette and protocol, like any type of communication.

But the whole cloth dismissal - which a lot of people do - is about THEIR shit, their refusal to learn about something that they've already prejudged and discarded. When one of them actually wants to learn about it, I'll be happy to explain. Until then, they can continue to believe it's just about tweeting your damn lunch.

Other things I'm tired of: TSO taking people away from me. If I'm not gonna get any work out of it, and it just makes people go away, I'm not happy about it. I am thrilled for my many talented friends who have gotten work out of it, but...sigh.

rest is not restful

DREAM: I'm at some sort of show, but I have a typewriter (an actual typewriter) in front of me and I'm typing. The typewriter is making noise, as they do. Some woman comes over to me to tell me that I'm disrupting the show. Though I know she's right, I hate being told what to do, and I take her by the hand and press my finger into her palm as hard as I can. [that's all I remember]

Ya think I'm feeling irrelevant? Old? How much more obvious could you be, subconscious?

Jesus. And I have no clue where the finger-in-the-palm thing came from.

eggnog

I'm a sucker for anything eggnog flavored. I love eggnog [sans alcohol] but try to avoid it because it's such a calorie bomb. I got an eggnog latte from Starbucks the other day that tasted nothing like eggnog but only like latte. As a non-coffee drinker, this was a big disappointment. I just saw that Polar Seltzer has a bunch of holiday flavors, including - yeah! - eggnog. I gotta go get some. I even have some coupons for free Polar drinks because I sent them a complimentary letter.

UPDATE: gotten, not yet tasted

Pavlov

He did get in touch, by the way. But email, because of the in-another-country status. But it's happened - so many middle of the night texts have created a Pavlov's Dog response to that buzz-buzz-vibrate of my phone. A little thrill. All other texts - business things, Macys coupons, other friends - are just meh. And they've all been since...exactly a month ago. Yeah, that makes sense. It may always be the last, but I hope not.

surprising

Huh. So it's still ok to get a bunch of little people, dress them up, and have them portray elves? That surprises me. Either I'm one of those "too PC" people, or I'm ahead of my time. Either way, it makes me uncomfortable.

duality

Today I saw an older (60s, maybe?) woman perusing the condom aisle at the CVS. I thought two things:

1.) right on!
2.) I'm jealous

I got a battery for my scale, which has not been working for a long time. Come to find out that yeah, I've lost almost 20 lbs. Now, a few people have noticed and commented, but they're mostly people I NEVER see and are distant acquaintances. People I'm close to have, for the most part, said nothing or not noticed. Nice. Trying to figure out the best way to keep it going and actually be in better shape. Gym? Continue stuff at home? My knees are really throwing a wrench in things and pissing me off. They are messed up, confirm many doctors, surgeons and PTs. The other night after my regular circuit, there was acute (not dull) pain in one leg, like it was fucking complaining that I'd done too much (when really, I hadn't). My knees are gonna have to fucking man up because I plan to, to the best of my abilities, use the info I got in the amazing "what do you like?" conversation, and I don't feel so great about how I look (understatement), esp in comparison.

there's an app for that?

Had a conversation with V about songwriting, because I really want to be able to write some more decent songs before I die (which truly often feels like it won't be in the too distant future). That's so important to me, but I wanted to ask, how do you keep from: starting to write, then wanting the song to be about THIS, and THIS and THAT and THAT and THAT TOO, and then it's about everything (in theory) and it's way too big in scope and then I just scrap it because who could write such a thing?

So he said to 1.) keep it short and let other ideas become the germs for other songs, 2.) keep it specific and personal, and 3.) don't try to write anything anthemic and huge. Maybe even skip a bridge. But I have done that in the past, and I need to actually write some songs WITH bridges, so skipping the bridge is probably not the best idea for me. I've got some lyrical snippets, no music at all, and a lot of ideas. And anxiety, of course. I want my songs to impress, ultimately. To move and impress not only me, but people that I admire. That's a tall order. And probably the worst possible reason to write anything. But if guys can decide to play guitar to get chicks, how is this any different?

I'm good at lyrics, and I'm good at melody and countermelody. I'm terrible at coming up with cool pop chord progressions. What I need is a Cool Pop Chord Progression app. Surely there's something like that for android, right? I better check that out right now...I have people to impress.

quiet, please.

If you know me personally, you know how much I hate the rampant consumerist culture around xmas and this season. In fact, if you want to see my blood boil, just say something like, "I loooooooove Christmas!" around me. But beware. I might punch you in the kidneys. I'm prepared for the onslaught, but this year, I really was aware that the onslaught began, literally, at midnight on Oct 31. Like hundreds of nervous, jittery advertising fingers pushed the buttons that apparently delineate a pleasant, generic fall from CHRISTMAS SEASON. I just never noticed before that that's when it happened. Is it happening earlier? I mean, I'd seen xmas ads starting as early as early September, but not full out. That started October 31 at midnight. Fuck them all. And it isn't so much the visuals that bother me, but the noise. The ads, the music IN EVERY STORE. Right now the stores are showing "restraint", meaning that every third or fourth song is an xmas song, but in the next week or so, all of them will be xmas songs. This year I have decided I just can't bear to go with the flow (and I can't tune it out), so I will just make sure I have my iPod with me wherever I go that's public, and I'll be that douchebag that tunes out everything around her.  Don't want to be, but don't want to hear "Santa Baby" 12 times a day either. I find few things more offensive.

Except leafblowers...

Yeah, noise pollution isn't something that's going to stop bothering me. Nor does it make me a "Scrooge". Sorry.

Cantonese Short Ribs

currently making these. we'll see how they come out. left the ribs whole because I have no way to cut them up, and I'm adding water chestnuts, because I think they need some crunch. I will add those later in the cooking process. http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/cantonese-short-ribs-50400000116322/

by request

Firstly, indeed my niece was born, after over 39 hours of labor, they did a c-section. I can't imagine how frustrating that must be. But in the end, does it really matter if you have a healthy baby? How can you argue with that? And she's beautiful. Welcome baby VDM. My brother's a father, what? Freaky.

Here's a story that Christine asked me to write out, because she said she wanted to hear it again. Some months ago, I was at my allergy doc appointment, and my doc, who 1.) thinks I'm cool and 2.) I think is cool and 3.) we are pals told me that there was a guy who worked there who was a beatboxer and he was amazing and did I want to hear him because I should hear him. So I said of course I wanted to hear him, and he was called from whatever other building he was in. And he came into the exam room and beatboxed for me. Now, he was not amazing, but he had some good basic tools. He was interested in learning more. He teaches kids in the city beatboxing. So I took his info and kept in touch and realized that a few weeks ago there'd be a show coming up that'd be great for him to go to. He could meet a bunch of pertinent people all at once, including my absolute favorite beatboxer of all, in from NYC. He said he wanted to go, and got himself a ticket. That night I got to introduce him to lots of people, including several beatboxers, and I think he got to see that this community is full of young, cool, hip people who are accessible and absolutely happy to welcome him with open arms, hugs, promises to meet, etc. He was so happy and said that whole new worlds had been opened up to him. I was distracted/anxious there for other reasons, but I was glad that I got to introduce him to so many people, and we'll stay in touch. My doc/pal would have been there too but was out of town. That would have been even more fun.

So that's my story. Boots n' cats, y'all*

*beatboxing humor that will make sense to noone, probably

laboring

My SIL is in labor (over 24 hours already, poor thing - come OUT already baby!), and as almost everything does, it reflects back on me all of my own failures and missed markers. All the "stragglers", the last people I knew who were single or childless are now doing so, and I'm still left behind, I'm still stagnant, I'm still alone. It seeps into almost every moment of every day, but if I thought about it full bore, I'm fairly certain I would not be able to function, and that is no exaggeration. I think I would fall down in a fetal position and never get up. As it is, I have to push it out several times a day. Everything makes me cry. FAILURE, FAILURE, FAILURE. I also can't shut out all the successes of those around me (they are significant), and what they're doing at the same time that I'm living my failed life. It's comical that I'm told I'm not supposed to compare. What else is there to do BUT compare? My current state is a reflection of my bad decisions, some of the impositions and ego of others, some bad luck, all resulting in where I am now. Whether it can be turned around remains to be seen. Ironically, my info was passed onto one of the most powerful people in television this week, and I have two interviews coming up, one in TV (I think they may think my skills are beyond what they are). But what I'm feeling I'm really missing, what I'm regretting now, are my theory skills. How to get better at that? It seems absolutely crucial, grad school be damned.

I know this would be tough for me, this tour, and it's definitely making things more difficult. Things are going well but he's completely out of touch. No clue what that means. I could reach out but so could he. I have to assume he doesn't want to, right? Or maybe I shouldn't. I've seen him online a few times and have just observed that, whereas when he was in CA we talked that way. I'm a fool to feel this way, but I do.

check yourself

as someone who likes to show (my) cleavage, Jesus H. Christ YES YES YES to this.

the coming storm

I waited and didn't contact him (despite anxiety) and lo and behold he got in touch. He had landed after a near miss with another plane, and wanted to tell me about it. Was it me he reached out to because of me, or simply because he knew I'd be awake? It's tough to know since it seems he doesn't want to actually see me in person, it seems. Though I know, I know, about all that's going on. Tomorrow when he comes back he has the chance to go to (an event) with me, or find a way to make sure we go separately. If we go together, will he also use that opportunity to tell me that this was a bad idea to begin with? That's usually how these narratives play out for me. It's all so familiar. Does every situation have similar features until one (with those features) just happens to also work, or will one only work when it has completely different features from the get-go? I don't want him to be scared of me. I want more.

time sensitive

[I wish someone would explain AdSense to me. I don't get it AT ALL. I didn't know there'd be coding involved. Seems way complicated.]

Anyways...I often, especially lately, wish I could be more like my friend W. He does not suffer fools (I mean that affectionately) and insists that people around him come up to his impressive level of efficiency, or come close to it, or he makes it clear (when) you've missed the mark. I've been stung by such misses many times, and I've learned - I think - to be a somewhat better worker/thinker because of him. It hasn't been easy. You have to put your ego aside, or at least allow for bruisings. But he loathes having his time wasted, and I've come to agree with him on this. There's so much repeated time-wasting activity that goes on that simply shouldn't be. Example:

yesterday R posts a tiny little thumbnail of the CD cover of his new CD (I did the design) on Facebook.

[all of these are individual emails]

me: take that thumbnail down and replace it with this. this is bigger and that thumbnail is really just that. it's not meant to show you what (anything) really looks like

R: ok

(in the meantime, I make him a high-res version and send that to him)

me: here, use this one instead of the others. throw the others out and use this one only.

R: ok

[today]

R: CD Baby says that pic is blurry and they need another one. Can you send me a bigger one? (no other context)

me: pic of what?

R: my CD cover

me: send me the one you sent them

R: it's the one I posted

me: I know that. I want to know exactly what you sent them. just sent it to me - exactly what you sent them

R: here it is

me: that's not the last one I sent you, where I said "replace this one with the others I sent and use this one only". see that sentence below here? here is that one again.

Now, look at all the time that was wasted. 1.) He didn't state specifics to begin with. 2.) He didn't go back to look at emails to see that all the info and the image he needed were already there. It may on the surface seem like I'm just being a dick here and I think when I first started working with W, I may have thought so too, but now I feel strongly that it's about maximizing time and efficiency, and taking the time to see if you don't already have the info you need before you, essentially, waste someone's time. I try very hard to do the same for others. I'm sure I sometimes fail, but I do try. So while I only asked him to send me what he'd sent to CD Baby, W would have pointedly pushed back and said, "I need you to figure out what I'm trying to get from you. Spend some time on it and if you can't, let me know." That pisses me off but does force me to do exactly what he asks, and more often than not, I am able to solve the problem, or close to it. What I need is a way to say this that's palatable to others. I guess I need to talk to W.

upon arrival

I fell asleep earlier and dreamt that he gave me a bunch of times, actual times, that we could get together.

Then I woke up.

You know what John Mayer says about dreaming with a broken heart...

language of the heart

so here's where I am:

being told that my presentations are no longer of interest, because of negative responses.

being told that I'm old and unattractive by someone who thinks he is also old and unattractive, at 7 years younger than me, and that people of "our age" are just sad when they try to be performers, and it should be left to younger and prettier people. this is someone making important decisions in my community. that I apparently put my foot in my mouth, despite trying so hard to be judicious and professional. that no matter how I actually interact, I'm seen as broken, mentally ill, someone to be "managed"...

that (he) seems to have stopped speaking to me. I know that he's insanely busy, about to go rehearse [with new band] for several days and then tour, but now we're into no responses for the first time, ever. up until now, he's said to me that he's felt bad when he hasn't gotten back to me. now it seems something has shifted, and I have no idea what it is. so we got as close we as we ever have, and now he's pulling away. that certainly feels shitty. ironically, the guy that I refer to in the paragraph above would probably pass out if he knew that this guy was attracted to ME, since I'm so "old" and "unattractive"...

reminded me of this from last week's SNL. I thought it was funny, but certainly accurate at around 3:55

I always come back to David Wilcox's song "Language of the Heart", which I recognize is not flawless. I think it's somewhat lyrically manipulative, I know him personally and I think it's a bit insincere, but there's also a lot of truth here. I found this version of it which is is from probably not too too long before I first met him (early 90s?). He's so young, he's cocky, he's precise.

and then this one, from this year, where his voice is so much more fragile, less agile, and the playing is more languid. he's compensating melodically for things he can't do anymore. he's upgraded his guitar to one much fancier with a lot of inlays. the one in the earlier vid is the make I have, and it's still a really good guitar, though. he's still touring extensively.

I won't keep on calling your number, if you never have the time

I don't want to claim you or blame you but you're always on my mind

you had no idea I would love you

it comes as a total surprise

and you shake your head slowly and smile at the tears in my eyes

shame on Dr. Phil

I know my psychologist stepsister can't stand him, but I wonder why Dr. Phil doesn't get called out for being the sex-negative, puritanical douchebag he is. It's clear he thinks that the only sex that's ok is between committed couples, and for all I know, that may mean married hetero couples, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Anything else, he makes very clear, is deviant, dirty, something to be "fixed" and he likes to bring people on his show and give them opportunities for redemption. Only they don't need to be redeemed. The people making a living doing porn out of their house, around their baby daughter's schedule? They don't need Dr. Phil's damn redemption...unless they think they do. In which case, I wish they'd just quit instead of shaming themselves publicly, and so many others in the process.

a lotta loud out of a little cat

Rocco (shown here being serene) likes to hear himself make noise. He often walks around yowling. Loudly. It's often very late at night. And I mean after 1 or 2am. But he usually does that for a little while and then stops. Last night I think it went on for hours. I kept getting woken up by the yowling, and would have to scream, "STOP!" into the dark silent night, which shuts him up for a few minutes...and then...yowling again. What does he want? He generally has food in his bowl. He usually just sleeps on the bed next to me. But it was so annoying. Dude, shut up, shut up, shut UP! Or do that shit when I'm awake, please.

junk phrases redux

I've mentioned before my dislike of junk phrases. Just had another conversation that was full of "people are terrible" and "don't you hate mean people?"s But the thing is that people aren't any-one-thing. There are too many damn people on this planet to clump them into any one thing other than that they (we) are of the same species. The only thing you can legitimately say is "people are people", and why would you say that? Some people are mean. Some people are terrible. Not all. Once you say "aren't people terrible?" you've lost me because I know that you've essentially cheaped out in our conversation and you've stopped thinking and engaging. And I have no interest in continuing it. Same with "life is good" and "it's all good" and those types of throwaway phrases. Not everything out of everyone's mouth is going to be a pithy bon mot or something of great profundity - mine certainly aren't - but it's easy to avoid the junk, because the junk simply doesn't help and can easily be replaced with something specific to the situation. At least it doesn't help me. In a conversation that's supposed to be comforting, it makes me feel exponentially WORSE because you've just brought in phrases that have nothing to do with me, so my inclination is just to opt out at that point. And I think that's what I'm going to do from now on. If you junk phrase me, I will end our conversation. That's how strongly I feel about it. I just feel so fragile that throwing junk at me actually feels more damaging than innocuous because though certainly not intentional, the result feels like a slight.

crumbling

Dear Cats:

Really, now is not the time to launch a full out campaign to throw the fuck up on EVERYTHING FABRIC THAT I OWN (blankets, sheets, chairs, etc). Aside from the general pile of fuckery going on, I can't do laundry next door as it's drying out from the flood, and I'm not up for a laundromat run (though that may in fact be what happens tomorrow). Your timing is not good, cats. Keep the food INSIDE your digestive tracts, please. That stuff is not cheap, and it's gross.

And yes, the amount of fuckery is astounding right now. I'm not forgetting the One Good Thing, but all the shitty stuff really wants to replace the One Good Thing.

another status

(sort of) score one for the (not really) old ladies

status

head about to explode. maybe literally. might be messy.

not a granny

I find that I am in some nether-land age-wise, and I haven't succumbed to things that other people my age have, but I'm certainly not in my 20s, nor would I feel comfortable acting that way. So while I see people my age talking about their "tired eyes" or giving in to being much more immobile then they should be, or refusing to keep up with technology (Jesus, no, Facebook is NOT going to start charging...hello spam from 2004 that you keep perpetuating!), or just referring to themselves as old (which I do too, but because I feel like it's being forced upon me, not because it's something I'm embracing and hugging to me), I feel very out of place. I'm not interested in a rocking chair on a porch with my graying spouse. Is that where I'm supposed to be now? Even if I had a spouse, I wouldn't want that. I don't want to be out all night, and I don't "party" and never have, but this odd, situationally sedentary life that I see people slinking into...makes me very uncomfortable. I don't see myself becoming asexual and disinterested in those things, or scoffing them. I won't be buying capris and practical sandals. Does parenthood force these things on a person? Am I the one in some suspended "childhood", by nature of refusing to call myself old, the final slide into frumpitude? I just know I feel like I don't fit.

unrelated bits

Shit's getting loose. If noone else can tell, I can.

-------------------------

I'm giving a big, out-loud "fuck you" to all motorcycles (not "bikes") passing by and making extraneous and unnecessary noise. If I could tell them such that they'd actually hear it, I'd do it in a second. Douchebags.

-------------------------

Here's a chart of how much anxiety I've been feeling lately. The personal stuff is keeping me at a fairly high level of anxiety that's dipped some with certain interactions but as of now is still fairly high. I won't know until tomorrow if that gets alleviated somewhat.

And financially? Things are just fucked, continue to be fucked, and the anxiety is off the charts. Worse, I don't talk about it. It's just too humiliating. Can't sustain this much longer...

I saw the trailer for "The Human Centipede part II" the other day. I didn't see the first movie, intentionally. The small amount of morbid, prurient curiosity I had was way outweighed by the knowledge that it would be a "can't un-see that" type of experience I just didn't want to have. And that's saying something, as I have a high tolerance for and interest in the icky. And I'd never suggest that something like this not be made. I believe in the marketplace of ideas, creativity and art that represents the whole of human existence, and some of that is dark, very dark, and difficult to look at and contemplate, and there should always be people who encourage us to look (or at least not look away). And I rarely use the word depravity, but that's definitely what I think this kind of movie portrays. This is torture porn that goes as dark and, well, depraved as it can and still get a rating that will get it into theaters. So though I support something like this being made and always will, I do think it brings a bit of sad cloudiness into the world, imperceptible maybe, but there, whose end result is a collective psychic ding to our spirit. Does that sound silly? I'm not sure I'm articulating this well, and don't want to sound like I'm going all spiritual, but there ya go.

UPDATE: Guess I was right. Roger Ebert gave it zero stars and said "The film is reprehensible, dismaying, ugly, artless and an affront to any notion, however remote, of human decency."

I want an Australian Cattle Dog. C'mon, look how adorable!

today

super-shitty day just got a little better. still shitty, but with a glimmering bit of awesome.

statements that are questions

K says when someone says (they have no idea when someone is attracted to them) more than once, it's really a question - "are you attracted to me?" - but it honestly never occurred to me that he'd be asking that question of me, so each time he brought it up I just shook my head and assured him that many people were (including myself, but I never said that). And I still don't quite buy it, even after. It's such a fine line between actually being part of a (romance) and it being in some gray area that one might be embarrassed to articulate and others might judge, so am I in or out (in any form)? Now it hinges on this present and his reliability. This is all so...unlikely and delicate that I have to just shake my head. I know the stakes and I know the players. I want history not to determine this outcome. I want the fucking mold broken, smashed, reconfigured, even if the result is just that's it's all on a contingency basis...

where mah peeps at?

Even though it's September and still solidly in the 60s or above, I've already seen people in coats, hats and gloves. And I'm really wondering what that's about. My windows are still open (and it's perfectly comfortable), I'm still wearing sandals, and I don't expect that will change for a while, because it's not cold out. How is it that people who are supposed to be so hale and hearty wrap up like it's Antarctica as soon as September hits, but the same people are wearing shorts in April when it's in the 40s? Logic, please?

------------------------------

Lately I'm wondering where my sex-positive friends are. I'm definitely not into anything that's particularly out, and actually consider myself fairly vanilla (but open minded and experienced), but I'm finding that more people than I thought are very VERY staid. I think of myself as frank but modest, but I'm being put to shame here*, and I'm feeling outright freaky. I wish I had someone to commiserate with.

*let me be clear that I'm not saying I feel shame, because I certainly don't, but that I'm being way outdone in the modesty realm

------------------------------

Speaking of sex-positive friends, I saw PJ a few days ago. He was in town to promote his book, which is currently on the NY Times bestseller list (which means I personally know two of the people with books high on this list). He told me the event was sold out but offered to guest list me and that he did. He didn't read from the book but did offer some anecdotes and talk about atheism some (and answered questions). I love what he has to say. It's so measured, thoughtful, and often just beautifully touching. He's not out to argue, ridicule or cajole. And he believes that atheists and theists are closer (to each other) than we think (the latter being closer to the former). I think his arguments are hard to ignore.

Anyways, he has patented a...device to go in hot tubs (I believe) that is specifically for women's', um, pleasure. It's a specially-positioned water jet. Kindly titled a "hydro-therapeutic stimulator" by the patent office, it has yet to be manufactured, but he indeed holds the patent for this. Last night I was thinking about this device and came up with what I thought were some logical modifications, which I let him know about. He said no, it needed to stay as is (and explained why). I still think my ideas are solid, but I do have to appreciate him for looking out for the ladies. We also earlier had a separate discussion about whether whistling is vocal or oral. He says it's oral because whistling doesn't use vocal cords. He's right.

more YouTube-ian fun

Came across this guy's videos, watched some, realized that though he may have some interesting things to say, whatever they may be are mired so deeply within his never-ending self-important rambling that you cannot tease it out (or simply don't want to). Jesus, this guy likes to hear himself speak. He's like the most boring professor you ever had. Try to stay awake now, while he slowly ladles out such gems as: "In general, human beings tend to be attracted to various ideologies. Not necessarily because of their truism, because of their validity with regards to functional factuality [sic], but rather that it suits their purpose and current mindset in life."

But alas, on YouTube, there are no editing requirements and people are free to ramble on ad nauseum.

And I am free to point out their pretentiousness. Oops.

spam from the pros

Today, someone that I know who has a viral marketing firm, and who I've done some design work for in the past, posted something on Facebook. It was obviously one of those things that was copied verbatim, along the lines of "Facebook has changed the way you see your newsfeed now and you'll only see updates from people you've recently interacted with unless you do the following..." Now, let me reiterate that this is someone whose JOB it is to run viral marketing campaigns. So she posts this thing that is incorrect in every possible way. Facebook is not in fact changing the way newsfeeds display, and their stated "fix" actually had nothing to do with newsfeeds at all, and wouldn't do anything (they suggest you go to your friend list and choose "all friends", which just...shows you a list of all your friends. it does not alter any settings). And she cut and pasted it, whole cloth, onto her own wall. A few people responded that they were trying to follow the instructions, but they weren't working (of course not - they weren't instructions to actually fix anything!), and one person said that you could change how your newsfeed displays by changing newsfeed settings. Bingo. But, in fact, Facebook hasn't changed anything, and the default is still to show you everyone's updates.

I commented that her post was wholly incorrect and I wasn't sure where she was getting her info. I was kind of curious to find out what source would make a savvy professional post such misinformation. Instead of explaining, she immediately pulled the post and said she'd be "looking into it", and no updates yet.

I've seen her make similar blatant/unprofessional mistakes several times now, always looking for an answer from her Facebook friends, which essentially tells everyone you don't have a clue how to do your job. I'm trying to assess why I find this so irritating. I think there are a few reasons:

• it does seem like a lot of people who are older than, say, 30, even if they are "social media professionals", really don't have a fucking CLUE what they're doing. this is complex stuff with structure and rules and measurements, and it requires keeping up with a lot of information that moves fast (and not dismissing it, which is a whole other thing). everyone older than that who is fucking up is giving the rest of us a bad name. they/we look old and addled and obsolete. jesus.
  
  
• this is someone whose JOB it is to do this. and she has multiple clients? yet she's posting what is essentially spam on her own site. the equivalent of forwarded junk mail that your mother, who still uses Hotmail, sends. DO YOUR HOMEWORK.
  
  
• that she's asking her Facebook friends to do the work for her on something that 1.) should be obvious it's junk and 2.) can be figured out quickly. DO YOUR HOMEWORK.
  
  
• wondering why sloppy work is ok, why she has clients, why I struggle to get work. why is it ALWAYS a struggle? Like, when V complains that he's still not filling rooms, not as successful as he wants to be (which also drives me nuts, because...he's damn successful and can call any venue and get a gig, but he doesn't even HAVE to call - his agency does that), and I suggest perhaps updating his press kit so that it's not years outdated ("just get me an editable version and I'll update it", I've pleaded), or his photos (ditto) or hey, dressing up to change things up, he gets annoyed with me. they're just not priorities. really? to me they seem like basic basic basic tools. I can't wield much power though because...I'm me. and that's the crux. I'm me. I'm like fucking Rodney Dangerfield. and you DEFINITELY won't get that reference if you're younger than 30...but you probably wouldn't have forwarded that stupid panic message about Facebook newsfeeds either, so...

can I cry now?

just logged onto (x dating site) that I check periodically, and saw a profile that looked interesting...and then I noticed that he actually has body fat requirements. You can't be above a certain body fat percentage. So that's where we are?

Fuck.

Beyonce thoughts

I missed the VMAs last night because my new and bare-bones (yet still shockingly expensive) Comcast package has almost no channels, including basics like MTV and VH1, but I see that Beyonce announced her pregnancy, which made me think two things:

1.) how fucking calculated. I like Beyonce (though I maintain her name is the most ridiculous name I've ever heard - we've just gotten used to it so we forget how dumb it is), but this is some industry-calculated shit. You can just hear her people going, "this will be great for the Beyonce(TM) brand! We'll make the big announcement at the VMAs!" and somehow it will get tied into some endorsement or promotion. I'm sure it was or will be.

2.) there is a 13-year age difference between Beyonce and Jay Z. There is a 15 year age difference between Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore. How come you NEVER hear about the former? Why it is simply not an issue? Because it's a given that he's (Jay Z) valuable even at his "advanced" age of 42, because he's a man, whereas there are constant murmurs about why Ashton hasn't left Demi yet, even though she's still gorgeous (far more attractive than Jay Z ever was or will be - sorry). People assume it's a given that he will eventually leave her for someone younger, when she "expires". But no such assumption is made when the sexes are reversed. I cannot tell you how much that infuriates me. It should infuriate you too, because it's awful. Especially if you're a woman, because what it says is that all women "expire" and lose their value and their sexiness and their desirability somewhere around 40 (or earlier) whereas men do not. What a shame.

the HungryBear Saga Continues

Now I know why the HungryBear vids just weren't sitting right with me. All these women that he has come to "intern" with him. I think he's not luring them there and doing anything untoward, per se, but I do think he likes the idea that something might happen, and I think it sometimes does, though, Jesus, have you looked at this guy? He literally has the body of SpongeBob SquarePants. I would not want to see that shit uncovered. But he's always focusing in on their bodies with admiring commentary, always just on the edge of creepy but not coming out and being so, and couching everything in new-agey script. Again, I do not think he's a predator, and I think my radar's pretty good on this stuff. But I do think he takes advantage of his position and (romantic) location. So these young women come and stay with him and they don't think they'll be anything but interns and maybe just admired and probably they often just are. But he's always wanting more, always keeping that possibility open, and as most men, assuming that they want him.

So here comes this young woman, all of 20, who has a history of depression, has been hospitalized more than once, more than one suicide attempt, has apparently no relationship with her parents and very few friends, and she somehow gets the cash together to go to CA for this "groundbreaking YouTube experiment" where two people who like to make YouTube videos will come together...and make YouTube videos. There's no structure or plan beyond that, so though Bear thinks himself an artist and a visionary, he's not. He calls her his "intern" and they plan to do this "experiment". She arrives and there are videos of them swimming in idyllic places and looking at mountain vistas, talking and getting eggs from the chickens, shopping for basil and picking berries. But he's also posting about missing his "soul mate", a woman who has apparently left not too long before because he couldn't be faithful to her. Hey, I appreciate that. He's telling her he can't be monogamous. That's WAY better than telling her he will be, and then cheating. So props to him for that. But now he wants some female "companionship" and here's this pretty 20 year old living in his house (which I think is a trailer in a very remote area) in various states of undress...she must want him, right? Or she could be convinced?

But she's said in a comment on a video that she has no interest in him. She's also said she isn't interested in bodies. She is detached. There's obviously a lot going on with her emotionally. She probably shouldn't be there. At least not there with him. So he posts a video yesterday where he confesses, while she swims behind him (in an utterly gorgeous place, by the way) that he wants her but is trying to be respectful. He makes her pose in sexy positions. The next video has almost none of her and he says he's "not feeling it". Has she turned down an advance from him in the interim?

Now he posts that she's left without notice, that she's accused him of "pedophilia" though he never touched her, and that she had left a video of herself masturbating on HIS computer. Obviously, a complex situation. He's posting all of this online in various places, and she's disappeared online, and from his place. That's more than concerning.

Yeah, I guess you're an "adult" when you're 20, but this girl just needs guidance, and balance, and some stability. She's obviously smart, but making questionable decisions. Where the fuck are her parents? I wish I could talk to her. I would have told her not to go to begin with. That this guy, while maybe not a predator, is kinda bad news, and not the kind of situation for someone who is is such a fragile state to enter into. I get the feeling this guy has been in similar situations before, and maybe she has as well. I think they're both prone to drama. I wish them both well.

video obsessions

Here are my current video obsessions. Oh wait, first my TV obsessions:

- Louie - good LORD this show is brilliant. My cousin described it as "brave", and it truly is. He's going places no other show is, and exposing his own psyche in very raw ways
- Breaking Bad - keeps bringing it
- The Glee Project - "Glee" itself is a pile of crap, but this is cool. The kids are super-talented

video obsessions:

With a huge fanbase and this video alone has gotten over 22 MILLION hits, she's a bonafide internet sensation, but I love Jenna Marbles. She's an absolute dichotomy. The hot, exotic-dancing party girl who's screamingly funny, with a Masters degree in some kind of counseling. I really hope she gets some kind of writing or production or TV deal. She lives here in Cambridge or something and if I ever see her I WILL be all fangirl-y. I will. She does new videos every Weds, and other informal videos sporadically.



HungryBear

You know, the "double rainbow" guy (watch that one if you haven't seen it). He lives on a farm in Yosemite in the mountains and has various women "interns" come and stay with him. It's semi-creepy but now that I've seen several videos, I think he's on the up and up, but that he obviously wants them there because he wants to ogle them, in large part. That's part of the deal. He videotapes almost everything and considers himself a YouTube star. He's not particularly bright but I find him incredibly compelling. Right now he's got a young woman staying with him who he also met through YouTube. She came from the midwest to stay for some indeterminate time, and they videotape their escapades. Farming, talking, swimming. I can't stop watching.

disconnect

-You make me uncomfortable
-Your personality is unpleasant
-Can you speak up?
-WHAT?
-I said, can you SPEAK UP?
-I don't get you
-You don't smile enough
-Oh, you're smiling, but not in the right way
-Why aren't you like (that person who smiles more)?
-Just try to be more outgoing
-You should just apologize to people right when you see them, and tell that you're sorry you make them uncomfortable.
-You're weird
-Women are supposed to coo and coddle - what's wrong with YOU?
-Just be someone else


Why don't you love yourself?

tired of this

are 2 considered "lots"? probably, in her world.

sometimes it's about the sad

Though my brief interactions with him weren't that great (and still am not thrilled with his misogynistic bent and tendency to be oddly dickish to his fans after being grateful), I admire the hell out of Marc Maron for various reasons, one of which his undeniable skill as an interviewer. Funny, you'd think someone so self...focused wouldn't be able to really buckle down and hone in on someone else, would ya? Actually, I would. Doesn't surprise me at all. He's used to that laser-fine attention to the psyche, so why not of others as well? And this interview, with writer Todd Hanson, is a revelation. In the second of two parts, he talks candidly about his attempt to take his own life, and not in a "cry for attention" kind of way. He truly intended to end it. Made the plans, got rid of items (writing mostly) he didn't want others to see, wrote notes (asked people in them to make sure someone took care of his cats, which broke my heart, and breaks it again as I write this), researched what it would take to shut his body down chemically, went to a hotel...and somehow woke up 24 hours later, still alive. Eventually he came to think of this as his second birthday.

A few important things: in his notes to people, and in the interview, he was extraordinarily grateful about how much love and support he'd received, and how badly he felt that he simply could not get through this depression and come out of it. But that's the myth, right? That depressed people are "selfish", "self-absorbed", and even that suicide is a selfish act. Couldn't be further from the truth, and shame on anyone who thinks or, even worse, says it. He felt horribly that he'd had such support and it wasn't enough. And it's so clear that people loved him, but maybe weren't there for him when he really needed them to be. He says this completely without judgment. That is my assessment alone.

He also talks about how there were lots of times when he simply could not afford therapy. They laugh about it, but say, "...you have to sort of pay out the nose if you want to...live." And that truly is how it is. I've been trying to navigate through the system for a good 8 months now, and it's maddening. Therapy really is only available for people who can pay massive amounts of money per session, mostly in cash. My psychologist stepsister will tell you disappointedly that she sees people in an all-cash practice. They don't even take insurance (I don't believe), and no sliding scale. You either can pay, or no therapy. How many lives are lost because of this? Doesn't seem like many people care, because depression isn't a glamorous type of ailment. Many people STILL don't understand there's a difference between "the blues" or feeling sad and major depression. It also pushes people away, it's not sympathetic or warm n' fuzzy, so if people die, eh, it's no biggie. Where are the studies linking the lack of ability to get affordable, effective therapy with suicide? Even with insurance plans, good ones, you only get a handful of sessions a year. A YEAR. When often therapists want to see a patient twice a week.

But you need to hear this man talk, with no drama, no guile, and infinite gratitude (not religious, revelatory, self-help type gratitude, but raw and honest) about how he got through this, and still is. It's beautiful, it's terrible. Everyone should hear it, and not turn away. Because as Marc says, "sometimes it's not about the funny; it's about the sad", and from the sad comes the funny, and the sad is just as rich and important as the funny. It's crucial, in fact. You think The Onion's funny? You think Marc Maron's funny? Louis CK? Conan O'Brien? So much of what they do that's hilarious is borne of the darkness with which they wrestle. Without one, the other doesn't exist. You get what I'm saying.

http://www.wtfpod.com/podcast/episodes/episode_190_-_todd_hanson

please just hold still while I punch you...

 

When I hear people like this apparently braindead asshole [who wants to be our president, OMG!] saying things like science is "in dispute" about whether or not being gay is a choice - or anyone who just plain suggests that it is - I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or punch someone. Why the simple return query "...and when did YOU decide to be straight?" doesn't shut that down every single fucking time, I don't know. It's really that simple. I never even wondered. At age 8 or 10 or 12, I never went..."ok, I think I like boys. I'll go that way." No, it's just who I am. Some people like both, but that isn't a choice either. Jesus, what is WRONG with these people that they need to hold onto this clearly bullshit belief? One that - sorry Pawlenty - has been proven by science to not be a choice. It's hardwired, my dear. We of course chose to act on our sexuality or not, we can choose to experiment, we all lie somewhere on a vast spectrum and sometimes we slide along that spectrum at different times in our lives, but our essential sexual orientation is who we are, for the vast majority of people. So sorry that doesn't jive with your political campaign or religious rhetoric. Doesn't make it less true. As they say, you are not entitled to your own facts, only your own opinions.

http://gawker.com/5819756/tim-pawlenty-thinks-scientists-are-in-dispute-about-homosexuality

other thing that's bothering me today

I've noticed, with increasing dismay, that lots of people my age or just a little older, act as if they're well into their 80s. They're too creaky and "old" to do this or that. They can't bend this way, they can't do that anymore, they've placed severe limitations on themselves because they're simply "too old" to do certain things. Jesus. What the fuck? When did we become geriatric? I asked R weeks ago to help me with my bed because the frame is coming apart, a task that requires very little effort and time but can't be done by one person, and he said he couldn't do it because he had gigs coming up and has a shoulder problem. Bed's still in that state. My neighbors are in their 50s/early 60s but can barely walk and creak along as if they're 30 years older, holding each other up (no kidding) going from car to front door. Hell, my mother in her 70s is way more sprightly than them.

Now, I'm not in particularly good shape, something I plan to rectify, but I don't think there are any restrictions on what I can do physically, not yet at least. And I'm hoping not for quite a while. Yes, I often feel old, but not because I'm fucking infirm/limited. More because of what I haven't yet accomplished. It's a sad state of affairs that so many people who aren't old are acting downright geriatric. "I can't bend that way", "I can't do that anymore", "that's for kids", "I'll sit that out". NO, don't sit it out. I'm not saying be reckless and dangerous and ridiculous, but acting like you're 75 when you're 40 not only gives you a bad name, it gives everyone in your/our age group a bad name. I'll admit I don't think aging is fun or pretty, but I think as soon we start the "oh, I can't _____ anymore", we're sorta screwed. Actually, I take that back. I AM saying to be reckless, because I think most people have a different gauge for "dangerous" than I do, and are much more cautious than I am, for better or for worse. Take a chance that you'll get wet, or banged up, or scratched. Don't take a chance you'll break your back or be paralyzed. Use discretion. I don't know. I'm guessing the people who wussed out as kids are probably the same ones wussing out now, but just using their age as the excuse. And I'm calling them out. I'm calling me out too to be more active, even in the face of depression. I want us to take back our age and prove that we can do whatever the hell we want. I want that for us all. If noone else is with me, then I'll do it on my own. But I'd rather not.

I see you.

You're a starfucker. You didn't used to be. You used to be a nice guy, smart, with edge, but nice, and funny. Some people lay it all out there from the very beginning, and you know where you stand. I kind of appreciate that. But you, somehow you've morphed into this guy over the years, resentful but still appearing to be successful, talking about an industry you aren't really part of, but will make sure others know they're excluded from. A profound lack of generosity of spirit. You see value in people's visible/media successes now, and you define success by their notoriety. And it has to be a certain type of a notoriety to be of value to you. So congratulations. You're the worst kind of disingenuous phony. I can appreciate an unabashed starfucker, but a stealth one...nah. That's low. But rest assured, it's not nearly as hidden as you think it is. And yes, you are burning bridges. I hope it will be worth it.

junk phrases

Junk phrases really bother me. Things that people say because they've heard other people say them, but they mean nothing. At this time of year, everyone's saying, "have a safe and happy 4th". A happy 4th will be fine, thanks. Adding the "safe" part either indicates that you are using it as a filler/junk word, thoughtlessly, or you really truly think the person/people you are talking to are reckless and they might just injure themselves on this particular weekend. If so, you might need different friends. Or you might want to talk to them about said recklessness in a nice, pointed sit-down, and not as a throwaway word that's just part of wishing them a happy 4th of July. Like, if they're buying 400 pounds of professional-grade fireworks that they plan to set off in their postage-stamp-sized back yard, wouldn't it be a good idea to issue that "safe" warning way earlier than the weekend in question?

Other examples of junk phrases would include "it's all good" (no, it's not all good), "what's up?" (if you don't stick around to hear the answer or care to know), "have a nice day" at the end of an altercation. I guess I'm just a stickler for being aware of the meaning of the words you're using. Junk phrases are comfortable, they lend a rhythm to our speech that we expect, so they're probably around to stay. But I won't be using them. That said, have a nice 4th!

I love bunting.

The Lost Boys

I haven't mentioned how the Lost Boys have moved in across the street because frankly it's not all that interesting, but the house used to be occupied by a retired dentist and his wife, who apparently sold the house quietly and moved away. There was never a for-sale sign, only a yard sale...and then they were gone. I never even saw a moving truck. Now there are apparently 14-25 teenage boys living there with no parental supervision. In reality, it's a single dad and a few sons, I'm told, but there are people coming in and out constantly, so much so that if I put a camera in my window, it'd be a blurry constant stream of cars coming and going (they're coming and going right now, in fact. I'm not kidding when I say it almost never stops). There's never less than 4 cars in the driveway, and there's almost never at least a few kids in the driveway doing something that makes noise - honking horns, setting off fireworks, yelling, fixing cars or boats...I miss the dentist and his wife. *sigh*. I never see adults. Ever. Hey, Lost Boys, you have 1.) a front yard you could use, 2.) a back yard, and 3.) a house you can actually go INSIDE. The beach is across the street. It's nice. Could you do any of these things? Must all activity take place in the driveway?

This morning I noticed that there were things falling from the roof of my house and the cats were freaked out. Later I saw one of the Lost Boys outside across the street with a gun, some kind of rifle, shooting rounds. I thought, "there is no WAY he's actually shooting at this house, right? I mean, they can't be that stupid..." but tonight I was outside on my porch and lo and behold there are lots of little bright red pellets. Nice.

What. The. Fuck?

I need the Lost Boys to 1.) shut the fuck up, 2.) not damage my car, 3.) stop freaking out the cats, 4.) go inside their damn house. Jesus. Maybe Peter Pan and Wendy are in there and she could make them a sandwich or something. A sandwich with sedatives. Now I really do sound like the crabby old "you kids get off my lawn!" lady, but you gotta admit the porch (my porch) covered with little pellets they shot over here while I sat right here is a bit over the top!

Oh, they're firing up another car. Gotta keep up the flow...

no more "Louie"

So, I was unable to get my "promotional" Comcast package extended, though I did try, and had to go down to the still-being-gouged-but-now-with-only-a-handful-of-channels package. This package includes: religious channels (wow, lots of them), shopping channels, sports channels, Spanish channels (things I will never watch), network channels, and a few things I might watch. So it's pretty bare-bones. I had a lower tier package before (no premium channels) but now it's just crap. There's one thing that I am actually legit upset that I can no longer watch, though. Everything else I can deal with (even the loss of "Conan" - no more TBS, MTV, or other basic channels). But the new season of "Louie" started, and I no longer have FX. I'm not sure if the episodes will be available online, but so far the first one isn't. I think this show is one of the best shows on TV, and I was really looking forward to the new season. I'd feel better about this downgrade if I were saving substantial money, but I'm only paying slightly less (if that) for exponentially less channels. I've read several things about how to ditch cable and get everything online and via other routes, but haven't been able to find a good solution for me without buying some other equipment, and even that wouldn't quite work. I am mad that Comcast would not work with me on this one, even though, as they pointed out, I've been a customer since 2004. Even more annoyed that their monopoly in this area means I have very few other options. And Louie...I miss you!

http://jezebel.com/5815172/a-little-girls-lesson-in-fairness-courtesy-of-louis-ck

UPDATE: After some serious searching, I found it online. Suck it, Comcast! http://blendseries.com/tv/louie/

not brag material

I'm annoyed with the children. Not actual children, but some of the people I know in their 20s, of which there are many. Yes, it's inherent of people in their 20s to be willfully ignorant and sometimes ridiculous (and to not listen to their elders - ha ha), but there seems to be a trend among many of them to 1.) never sleep and 2.) brag about never sleeping (mostly on Twitter). It goes kind of like this:

• I didn't sleep again last night. 
• I am badass because I didn't sleep
• I am getting shit DONE because I don't sleep
• How badass am I because I don't sleep?
• Did I mention I don't sleep?
• Yes, I think not sleeping is a positive thing!
• Wait, has it been a few minutes since I mentioned that I don't sleep? Well, in that case...I don't sleep!
• I have insomnia! (That's cool, right?)

Ok, insomnia? Is not something you fucking BRAG about. It's something you see a doctor about. And yeah, when you're 23, you think living on 2 hours of sleep a night and working constantly is the coolest shit. When you're 35 and you look 55, it won't be so cool. Study after study shows how living on a constant sleep deficit robs one both mentally and physically, so if you can't appeal to their future mental acuity, you'd think they'd care about their future hotness. But apparently not. It's too abstract. And there are adults who do this too, brag about how they don't sleep, or struggle with ongoing insomnia and assume that it's a lifelong thing without trying to find a solution. Seems SO strange to me.

I know my reaction is strong because I was bullied by my father into believing that anyone who slept past 5am was "lazy". Turns out that he was going to bed at 8 or 9 where everyone else decidedly was not, so it all evened out. But he never got that. And also, people need different amounts of sleep to function optimally. My friend W, one of the smartest, most efficient people I know, absolutely needs 9 hours a night. And he's unapologetic about it. People who say they only need 4 hours or less, however, are almost certainly lying (or lying to themselves). In actuality, those "super-sleepers" comprise like 1-2% of the population. The rest of us need at least 6-8+ hours to function properly.

Just as you don’t hear about people who drink, smoke, and eat poorly living to the ripe old age of 100 very often, you don’t hear about too many people who live like vampires and escape the ravages of that lifestyle. Those who claim they “get by” on very little sleep are likely fooling themselves, but their bodies won’t fool them for too long.  Eventually, that lack of sleep will show up somewhere in the way they look or feel (or both).  And ultimately, their health will suffer. -this article

Sleeping less, consistently, is withdrawing from a sleep bank that you WILL eventually have to pay for. And you may pay in premature aging. Hope that's worth it. Or memory loss. Weight gain? Ooo, heart attack. How's that sound? Oh, it's not happening now, so I guess it's not happening. Whatev.