lost

Lately I've been losing (and then finding) a lot of things. This is maddening as I DO NOT LOSE THINGS. I also do not break things. But I lost my iPod (found), a notepad I needed (found), an earring (still MIA - how do you lose ONE earring?), and most importantly, my business certificate and proof of tax ID. I know the folder they're in, and it seems to have disappeared. I need it and I've gone through all files a few times already. I've looked everywhere it might be. Nothing. No clue where it could have gone and it's driving me nuts. I'm also wasting time searching and searching through file cabinets when there are other things to do. Argh.

hey, look at that

You don't have to dress your kids like technicolor clowns after all! Amazing!

http://www.buzzfeed.com/amyodell/19-kids-putting-skyler-zoe-to-shame

so much for that

It's been a day of humiliations, even moreso than usual. And contrasted with everyone else's wonnnnnderful news: you're having a baby!, and a major TV show is going to be at the LA festival this weekend and I won't be there, and you're going on tour!, etc etc. I was trying to make myself feel better by thinking of things - anything - that I could point to as positive about today. Well, at least neither of the cats threw up anything today, I said to myself (yes, that's what I'm grasping at). Go into my bedroom to find...of course...one of the cats has thrown up on the white duvet I've just put on on the bed. And I just did laundry yesterday (getting stopped for speeding in the process), and because I'm not an adult with my own washer-dryer, laundry is a once a week affair. I can't just toss it in the washer at times like this because I DON'T HAVE ONE.

It's just perfect.

How much more?

I didn't even mention that after our conversation where V made it clear that he's looking to make changes professionally, I told him I had some ideas, that if he wanted to hear them, I'd pass along. He responded that he'd like to, but...and then he launched into a recap of his entire career and all that he's done (paragraph upon paragraph) meant to tell me that he's been around the block and deserves more, and also threw in some insults about my own career (which I did not respond to, but...FUCK) and he'd hear me as long as I didn't assume he was resistant and stupid. I put some thoughts in the most non-confrontational, supportive terms I could construct (despite having been insulted) and he thanked me, but man, I could do without that shit. When I say I'm not respected, I'm not just making it up. I'm not being paranoid. You wouldn't treat someone you respected this way. That's why I've never offered my suggestions before.

That's all.

speed demon, part II

Are you fucking kidding me?? After writing this and heading out to do laundry (bad enough), I got pulled over for SPEEDING, in a school zone. Turns out I was going like 30 when the speed limit is 20. As per usual, noone else was going 20, but I got stopped. This time, I basically BEGGED the guy to give me a break. He actually did so, and only gave me a warning. A-fucking-mazing. Cut to me pulling away and driving 20...and immediately getting honked at for going too slow.

Now back to the laundromat, going grandma-speed.

in which the state of NY can blow me

My sister got annoyed with me recently because I am still pissed about this ticket I got in a speed trap. "It's over, let it go", she said. If you consider $210 paid and safe drivers discount gone and inflated insurance for the next five years all in the name of trumped-up NY state money-making "over", then sure, it's over. But it was about to get worse. On Fri, I got a letter in the mail, a "driver responsibility assessment statement", stating that I owe them an additional $300 or my license will be revoked. I took it to my insurance company and asked if they could explain it to me. They had no idea. The letter states that if you have 6 points on your license within 18 months or a drug or alcohol conviction, they can "assess" this. But I had no such thing/s. They called the NY DMV for me, sure that it was a mistake. Turns out that in 2004, the state of NY passed a law wherein they can call ANY speeding ticket 6 points on your license and then arbitrarily assess this bullshit fee that you HAVE TO PAY, and that's on top of the ticket itself and the inflated insurance for years to come. So this ticket is now up to $500+. I am FURIOUS. I've always been a ticket magnet, and not because I'm a dangerous or ridiculously fast driver. I just have been. Part of the ongoing bullshit that is my luck. But I hadn't gotten any in years and years, and now, not only has that streak ended in that state's money-making scheme, but it's costing hundreds of dollars I do not have. My brother in law just drove ACROSS THE ENTIRE COUNTRY and didn't get any tickets (that I know of) and he's an insanely fast driver.

The insurance company people were amazed. They had never heard of this. They agreed it's quite the racket.

I have a pile of bills I can't attend to, Shirley's bill, dental bills, and all the regular ones. And a pounding headache. Now it's time to take a shower and drag my laundry to the laundromat, to top off the misery.

about last night

So last night I sang some harmonies with V. He's not so great at picking things that will sound good for us together, but I do what I can with what he gives me. And he makes it so hard because rhythmically, he won't sing anything steadily. As a soloist, he doesn't have to. When someone's trying to line up with him vocally, it's a challenge. One of the songs was one that I sang and wrote for his CD, so I knew that one, and then one other I didn't know. We ran through them once at the sound check. Not anything spectacular, but usable. But he loooooved it, and apparently so did others. He said people were all abuzz about me. And people did come up to me and ask where they could see me, and someone took a picture. Imagine how awesome I'd be if I was doing something that was actually well-rehearsed and performed??

Not one of my friends showed up. Not one. Only A is excused, because her dog beat her up (BEST REASON EVER!). But I always forget how disappointing that is*, especially since the musician friends I have in the aca world really really support each other, go out to hear each other, promote each other, etc. But none of them came, and neither did anyone else. I know it's not a huge deal, this performance, but for someone who is trying to wrench back their identity...well, I'd have gone if it weren't me. Hell, I DO go see my friends all the time.

And the disconnect between public V and private V is fascinating, and somewhat disappointing. V on stage: "this is one of my favorite venues. I always love coming here. this is one of the first places that hired me in this area..." V to me: "I fuckin' hate this place. they're so paranoid and annoying and the audience is old, and why aren't there more people here?" Thus began a discussion with me and him and the woman who was opening for him (also an old friend of his) about what he wants (big picture), and what he wants is more fame, bigger audiences, more money. Now, I get this. I understand the frustration. I absolutely do. But I also heard that night, and often, people saying how they'd travel anywhere for him, how much they love him. And I wonder if he can absorb that, because what greater purpose is there for ANYONE, really?

We talked about how he might transition into more theatrical stuff, or at least into more theatrical venues, but he had a reason for why none of it was possible (note: it's all possible). There's a wider audience for him, and they can be accomplished with some fairly subtle shifts, but he is resistant and I'm not influential enough to, well, influence him.

But for me, it was just an experiment to see if I could convey to the audience what I feel rather than what people who aren't comfortable with shy people usually see. To be open and to talk to people afterwards as much as possible. I think that may be the greatest success for me of the night. For to me, what I sang was just...eh.

*that's a lie. I never forget.

cloudy

In a given week, I really only have 50 mins to talk about things that are concerning me. Where most people have their partner, I don't, and I don't want to burden my friends, and don't think they really want to hear me out anyways. My sounding board has been missing for a few years as her mother's been sick and that's how it is. We still talk all the time, but not about anything heavy. That's intentional on my part. But I very much miss talking to her about stuff. And whereas my sister talks to me about ongoing family issues and we hash through those, I haven't really talked a lot about my own stuff, because...it just isn't that great to do that with her. My stepsister is very hard to get in touch with. Brother: not helpful that way. Parents: not really. I have some friends that ask me for advice and I'm happy to give it, but I really feel alone lately. Does everyone live in this state of 24/7 existential crisis and they're just more resilient than I am? I do feel like depression has robbed me of a lot, and what's worse is that it's not something you can really talk about, since so many people still have a very skewed (read: judgmental) idea of what it is. And frankly, I don't want that to be my identity any more than I want to be called a "cat lady" just because I have cats. But I must find some purpose, some sense of peace, some love, or I'm not sure what I'm going to do. This is misery. I can see people living lives that, though none are perfect, are satisfying and lovely and rich and busy. If I could just get a fraction of that somehow.

update

I don't know if it's the residual of this sickness (there's still some fluid in my right ear, so I know I'm not 100%), depression, weight, or a combination, but I am EXHAUSTED lately. Even more than usual. All I want to do is sleep, but as usual my dreams are frantic and usually ultimately sad. Last night I dreamt, after watching this video containing lots of behind the scenes of Deke...



And may I say there's nothing more humbling than seeing something like this...I won't bother to detail.

So in my dream we were at a school/music camp-y thing sort of like in the video, and Deke was there, and I was somehow involved. I just remember feeling at HOME, like it was right, something I rarely if ever feel now. Then the dream devolved into me trying to find a bathroom because in actuality I had to go to the bathroom, and that's what happens to my dreams when I do. I search and search and sometimes find bathrooms, but there's always some reason they can't be used. Man, I hate those dreams. I was also carrying Rocco everywhere I went and he eventually just fell asleep while I was walking. THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN.

I've been putting off having a conversation with him, because I don't know what he'll say. I really just want general advice on WHAT THE HELL DO I DO NOW? but I honestly don't think I can stand even a shred more of bad or discouraging news, because that's all I've gotten for so long, and I bear it all alone. Not that he's generally discouraging - he's generally the opposite. I'm just scared.

I saw my friends in Cadence last night. I'm an idiot and thought for SURE the show was on Fri, so I drove out there and found it dark. It's over an hour away. Drove back last night. They were great, as usual. I wouldn't put them in my top groups, but they are very very good. N was supposed to be there, but if he was, I didn't see him, and that room's not that big. I guess we're just not in touch at all now, and it's very painful for me, consistently. I guess the only thing I can do now is...approximately nothing. That's fantastic. I liked it when we were friends, at least.

cool, huh?

So tired of everything falling apart. Aging BLOWS. I wish I could (no pun intended) pretty it up. My teeth are looking yellow-y I noticed last night, so I guess I'll be whitening again. I have the trays and half of a syringe of bleach, but you have to either get them from a dentist or order them, and I'll need more. And then...I guess it's back to drinking everything with a straw. My friend Pam drinks everything with a straw, and her husband gave her stainless steel straws for xmas, and that way she's not always throwing out plastic. This (whitening) process works well but makes your teeth very sensitive for a while. Oh well. I also have crowns that very much need to be replaced. It's frustrating that my father is a dentist and yet I can't afford this work. Hair done last week (and while I was there, I was thinking about how irritating it is to be forced into this upkeep now because of impending grays. And on and on.

I think that's some kind of record

I got onto a a tiny elevator today with a smallish woman and her little boy. The elevator wouldn't go up, so the two of them got out and she suggested to me that maybe we were over the weight capacity. Then I realized that the elevator only went to certain floors and they were pushing the button for one of the floors (the next one up - why they'd decided they needed to take the elevator, I don't know) it didn't go to, while I was going to the top floor. The elevator's weight capacity was 1500 lbs. Apparently she was insinuating that I weigh more than 1300 lbs. Nice. I pushed my button and the elevator went right up.

I'm feeling particularly huge, so that did not help. Then my tiny hairstylist told me how she just must lose 15 lbs by doing another cleanse. How she lost weight before and people were asking her if she had an eating disorder, but she felt better than she ever did. I fucking hate that weight loss is a competitive sport. Makes it so much harder for me.

Pic I took on the way there:

more on artistes; 127 Hours

Sort of an addendum to what I wrote yesterday...as I was waiting to talk to my friends in GrooveLily, I heard a guy say something to one of them like, "so you're making a living now?", and Brendan, always gracious, said something about how they'd been making a living when they were touring, but that it's just easier now that they can be a little more in one place. But I've heard that kind of thing over and over, and I'm sure they hear it all the time. People whose careers aren't arts seem endlessly fascinated with how people even "make it". They seem to have no problem asking questions about finances either. I guess it's because we're always told that arts = no money. Arts definitely = you will work your ass off, but yeah, there's money there. There are lots of careers to be made. How come it's so hard for people to get that? There's always an air of disbelief in their voices mingled with a little jealousy and some annoyance at knowing that someone they're talking to has fucked up the worldview they've been fed. I dunno. Brendan, you're much more patient than I think I could be.

------------

Last night I watched "127 Hours" in a way that I think was ideal: I skimmed through it, winnowing it down to about 20 minutes total. I got:

- beginning/exposition
- manic car ride, then bike ride, then hike to amazingly beautiful and desolate wilderness
- meeting up with two girl hikers; showing them an underground pool; jumping in; parting from them
- falling into crevasse, with rock falling on his arm
- deteriorating
- dropping much of his water
- trying (and failing) to masturbate
- more deterioration
- hallucinations
- cutting off of arm
- hiking out of crevasse
- meeting up with people
- getting picked up by helicopter
- seeing the real guy with his wife and baby

aaand that's all ya need, I think.

des artistes

Raymond gave me his old TV as they just upgraded. It's smaller than my other one, which is pretty darn small, but at least it doesn't have white stripes across the top third of the screen and it's able to render reds without freaking the fuck out. So I'll consider it a positive.

We've had a few conversations recently about musicians we've known for a long time who are pretty successful but are constantly complaining about how they're not doing better. In a way, I think that's the lot of all artists. Marc Maron even alluded to it in a recent live podcast I listened to. We're always prone to looking at who's doing BETTER and wanting that (I do the same, but I'm not disingenuously pretending to be unsuccessful). It's probably that way in all professions to some extent. But like with C, he had a complaint about EVERY accolade or success he received. He had a bad story about every colleague. But he refused to switch from his bad management. Same with V, who has a prestigious but lazy agency, but also constantly complains he's not making more, is not more successful. He could make more with a few small tweaks. He doesn't want to tweak. Yet almost daily people write to him to tell him how he's moved them or changed their lives, or could he sing at their wedding. And he's making a living doing THAT, but it's not enough?  But to move people like that not once but all the time, and get paid for it...? That's a gift. R told me about another colleague of both of theirs/ours, who is doing even better (is more successful) than them, who had his touring opening act QUIT mid-tour, because (the guy he was opening for) was so miserable. So he decided, this isn't the life for me, and quit. Went back to school or something.

The younger people I know who are making a living in the arts are vocally and consistently grateful. I realize that some of that may be because they haven't yet been beaten down by years of struggle, but their graciousness is refreshing. 

This led me to thinking that when an artist complains or quits (or contemplates it), it's seen as an indication that it's time for them to pack it in and finally do something "practical", even if they've been doing it for decades and have been making a living at it. That they've finally come down to reality. But if you're a bank teller or something and you complain about your job, it seen as par for the course, something you just need to suck up and carry on. Noone would dare suggest you switch PROFESSIONS because you might hate what you're doing (or not even hate, just be frustrated with), because...well, you have steady income, and aren't we all supposed to hate what we do?

I'm kind of all over the place here. The takeaways should be:

- people who are successful musicians/performers would do well to be grateful that they're doing what they're doing (and not just "grateful" in public), even if it's hard as fuck and you're not making as much as you want to.

- how I wish we'd make a cultural shift where we consider artists as hardworking and legit as any other profession. The artists and musicians I know are also by FAR the hardest working people I know. It's not a fucking hobby for everyone.

news

I'm always grasping for the tiniest bit of self-respect, of satisfaction, of belief that I matter. I don't get much in the way of positive feedback. But I'm periodically reminded that the terrible things I think about myself, the ones that people tell me I'm "just being paranoid" about, are indeed all true. That there's not a lot of love out there for me, nor respect. And that no matter what community or career I might decide to inflict myself on, or how hard I work in it, it would be the same. Tolerance, with an edge of annoyance from those who have to be around me. I wish I didn't have to be periodically reminded of such, but it always comes around, as it did tonight. Where am I supposed to be? Am I good at ANYTHING? Does anyone love me? Is my personality so distasteful that I simply can't convince others I'm worthwhile? These are big questions, and it's exhausting to have to ask those big questions every day because you have no purpose, no respect, and no clear way. I'm afraid there's no way to fix any of this. I'm not crushing, I'm being crushed.

I heart teevee

Last night I had a dream that I was Kelly Ripa's stand-in on her show. Which is so typical dream-world, because not only would she not need a stand-in for a talk show, but we look nothing alike. But I was so excited to be walking around backstage and among all the activity, and sort of disappointed that noone in the audience recognized me. [No, none of this makes any sense.] But I do love TV, and I love being on TV sets. Where my brother loves (and always has loved, and has made his career in) news, I love entertainment: talk shows, sitcoms, etc. I love watching how everything works and how the non-talent people are so blase about their jobs. They're on cool TV sets every day, but that's just where they go for work. Maybe I wish I could be a producer or something.

In college I externed at NBC in NYC. My uncle Peter, who was an NBC correspondent and also in some movies, like the classic "Broadcast News", hooked me up with the externship. It was my first time in NYC and having to take the bus from my friend's opulent brownstone to NBC was terrifying. Well, the whole thing was terrifying. I'm from OHIO. When I got there I found that noone really wanted me around. I was only supposed to be there for a few weeks, but I was clearly in the way. They made that known. They didn't give me much to do so I would watch rehearsals of "Letterman" (who I loved at that time, because that's when he didn't suck) on the monitors. I didn't do the whole time because it was so awful. My friend was there (staying with me at her house), and my sister showed up for a little while, but mostly we had the whole 5 story brownstone to ourselves, because my friend's wealthy family had another house in CT. Anyways, that whole period is fuzzy. If that experience had been better, maybe I'd be in TV today. Maybe I should have stuck it out no matter what. I just didn't have it in me.

Sherri Shepard is a collasal dumbass

she actually said today,

"as-PAR-tuh-may or ASS-per-tame, however you pronounce it"

have you ever heard anyone pronounce aspertame as as-PAR-tuh-may?

grrr

You know what's really annoying? People who post on Pinterest 400 times a day, and on social media just as much, but repeatedly miss their CASA deadlines. Rude.

surprise

My celeb friend wants to hook up sometime. Yeah, that kind of hook up. I did not suggest this. Because he's someone I've known for like 20 years and I know he's on the up and up, I know these things: 1.) he's married, but monogamish 2.) he's serious and 3.) it's certainly not something he said while drunk or high since he, like me, is never either of those things. Though I find him intriguing and somewhat sexy because of things I know about him, I don't find him attractive. Neither do you. He's not a good looking guy. Though he does have pretty eyes. Still, I'd probably do it if the opportunity arises. It was supposed to happen a long time ago and didn't (long story) when we got together. I kind of like that I'm ambivalent about it. When it fell through the last time, it was very hard for me (though he didn't do anything "wrong" per se). Now I'm...eh. But he tends to make things happen when he wants them to, so we'll see.

bday

It's my birthday. I think I'm officially old. I don't feel old. But I definitely don't feel like I am anywhere near where I want to be. I have no plans today and didn't feel like asking (begging) people to do something with me, so I'm not. I have plans tomorrow and next Fri, but nothing today. I vacuumed, and cut my nails, two things I very much don't enjoy but are necessary. Soon it's shower and find something to eat and back to projects that need done. And walking.

A few things:

Lately on Netflix I've been watching "Portlandia", and I'd only seen maybe one ep before this. It's as brilliant as people say it is. It seems to exist in that space that "Louie" also exists in where it's alternately very real world absurd and then with flights of just plain out there. But somehow it works. The portrayal of different types of precious relationships and interactions and earthy crunchy entitlement is hilarious, and accurate. Not to mention awesome guests - actors, musicians and non-actors, completely integrated into the stories.

-----------------

Has there ever been a movie or show where men start fighting and a woman is there and she isn't COMPLETELY useless? Where she either just stands by and yells or jumps on but it's like a butterfly jumping on them and makes no difference? It's one of those significant but subtle ways that we show/believe that women are still considered weak both physically and otherwise. If I jumped into a fight, it would have a significant fucking impact. If my BLACK BELT sister or friend jumped in, even more so. Can we stop portraying women as tiny flitting porcelain dolls? Thanks.

-----------------

From Esquire:

"Look, I've seen the president in the Situation Room and policy meetings where you really get the sense the questions he's asking are never about What's in the interest of my political ass? It's: What's in the interest of the country? And that has always given me a sense if comfort. When a president asks that question, then even though he might come out in the wrong place, even though he might make the wrong decision, he's got the best measure for how you can best help people." - Leon Panetta, Secretary of Defense

Conservs (and others) who hate Obama just because he's not of your party/general beliefs: use your actual judgement. Heads out of asses. Content of your character, and all that.

and women are "crazy"??

I'm honestly beginning to believe that all mean are just utter dicks, with brief periods when they will concede to be kind to their partners or other people they want to get something from, but the core is just asshole. Here's something that just happened with V:

I get a new itinerary from his agency. One date says "private" but it also says house concert, and there's been confusion about whether those should be posted publicly or not (some are, some aren't). So I send an email to both V and his agent asking, "should this be posted?". She responds just to me, "no it should not be posted". He responds just to me (have you people never heard of "reply all"?), "yes it should". At this point, I've already been in his site 4 times already today because he's asking me to put things up, then take them down because he isn't billed as he wanted. etc. rather than figuring it out before asking me to do the work, thus causing me to have to do the work multiple times. But I didn't say any of that. I just asked him to let me know when he'd figured it out. In fact, I said, "let me know whenever". He then calls to tell me that his plate is VERY FULL and he can't go back and forth with me (which by the way never happened; I responded twice, with all of a sentence each time). I start asking a question (calmly and quietly, as always) and he says, "JUST LISTEN TO ME!" and tells me to just chill on this itinerary (which, FYI, is exactly what I'd already done when I said, "let me know whenever" and dropped it). I tried to say something and he just hung up.

Fuck men. Seriously. You're all assholes. I fucking give up. Unless I somehow find someone who will treat me kindly and put aside his natural asshole tendencies, and that doesn't seem imminent, all I'll ever see is the asshole, no matter how I respond. I suspect it's like when you have kids, you only see how delightful kids are, and when you have a man who has committed to treat you well, you probably can forgive a lot of assholery in other men. In this case, I was only tempered and accommodating. See what it got me? And women are crazy? Really? I'd love for a man to come along and prove to me that you're not all users, because that's all I'm seeing now. And I'm sitting here crying, it's so painful. It's not what I ever wanted to know or think.

distraction

I'm more depressed than I have been in a long time, for several reasons (one on top of another on top of another, surrounded by all the braggers), but noone gives a shit so I will talk about...a movie.

Last night I watched another doc. This one was called "A(sexual)" about people who are...asexual. Mostly about one guy who started an org where asexuals can organize, meet, talk, etc. This guy is young, cute, smart, super articulate, and a very good representative for this group. They talk some about how people always assume that if you're asexual, it's for some kind of reason, like you've been abused, or hormonal problems, or you've gotten out of a bad relationship. No, they assert, for many of us it's just how we are. And Dan Savage pops up periodically to sort of question that assertion, bless him. Because though I would guess there may be a small number of people who are truly asexual, our natural state of being, for men, women, straight, gay, whatever, is to have SOME interest in some kind of sex. It doesn't take much to have your hormones get out of whack, and there might not be any other discernible symptoms. Or past abuse, or medication issues, or sexual identity issues that are harder to deal with than being asexual is, etc. But I want to be careful to not sound like the anti-gay people do, suggesting that there's something "wrong" with them. I am, however, suggesting that...well, that there's likely some imbalance there. But if they're happy, there's no need to fix it, I suppose.

(In the movie) they go to a pride parade, with mixed response. When handing out flyers, one paradegoer refuses and says, "I don't believe what YOU BELIEVE". Ok, dude, so here you are in a marginalized group of your own, and your response is to marginalize another group? To shun them? Well, there are douchebags in every community.

Here's the interesting thing: the guy (that the movie is about) is shown in various complicated but non-sexual relationships, and at the beginning talks about freeing they are, because they allow for so much variation. But like I said, he's young (25) at the start, and then the friends start to move away, think of kids, etc, and all of a sudden he realizes that if he wants a deeper, connected relationship, that he'll likely have to 1.) wait a long time to find another asexual (which kinda breaks apart the myth that all women hate sex/are frigid) or 2.) consider adding sex into his relationship/s, and that's what he decides. And he doesn't seem all that broken up about it, either. Maybe a little hesitant. Well of course, it's all totally new to him. I wonder how it all worked out. I kinda hope he discovered that he loved sex. That would be an awesome and ironic outcome, but only in my narrative. I wish him...whatever he wants.

late night again

I went to a place today (yesterday, technically), Panera, that had lots of ambient noise, and for the first time in over a month, I didn't feel like I was underwater/stoned. Now, granted I only have experience with the former of those, but it's been very disorienting for a long time. So that was pleasant. It's been eye opening how much all of your senses are distorted and diminished when you can't hear.

I've noticed a lot of people announcing their intentions for the upcoming year on social media. And it's sort of like this: "brag, brag, brag, brag, I crushed it this year and I'll crush it in 2013, everything's awesome and will only get better, I'm so incredible and my years only get more incredible, check out my awesome spouse/family doing awesome things and being awesome and having awesome plans..."

On the one hand, I find that kind of bragging (or any, really) icky and indicative of a sort of digital cultural tone deafness. But on the other hand, I wish I either had the confidence or the positive future-looking gene, or unwavering belief in myself and my importance that I think anyone cares that I should post such things. I'm afraid that if I did, it would just be met with silence. No cries of "you go!" or piles of likes for me. And I don't feel hopeful enough (or at all) to have anything to brag about. The best I can do is hope that this year doesn't suck as much as last year did, or as much as the one before it, and that another year won't pass where I'm alone - again - come the end of 2013. Honestly, to me at this point it feels inevitable that everyone I know who is single (there aren't many) who wants someone (and even some who don't) will find someone in pretty short order, as they usually do, and I stay alone. I can't even imagine finding someone for me. How can I? It hasn't been in my lexicon for so long. My only recent experiences have been with guys who were never really interested in me, who pushed me away, who had someone else but said they didn't, who freaked the fuck out (only one of those), but ultimately they couldn't get far enough away. How can I, knowing that, have any confidence that I have anything anyone wants? That's the problem. And when I pose that problem to people, rather than acknowledging the inherent logic there, they just blame me. It's my fault. Ok great, got it. I'm alone and it's my fault. The one thing I want more than anything but please, blame me for it, so I can feel even worse. Thanks.

It just feels like a cavern I cannot climb out of, and noone else cares. So I write...into the void.

about last night

I think I'm finally on the road to getting better. So hopefully this will be the last illness update. So far, I've seen 3 doctors (one of them twice, and talked to my ENT several times), done two rounds of antibiotics (15 days), 5 days of steroids, Mucinex, cold medicine, lots of Advil, sooo many tissues, cough drops, and lots of tea (and the inhaler I still haven't used). My ears finally seem to be clearing, with some sloshing around still going on, and I'm still coughing, like, a lot. You know how normally when you get sick, you just let it take its course, and you know it'll go away pretty soon? This...I've reached the point where I am putting EFFORT, both physically and psychically, into getting better. Willing it to happen, or at least trying. Dammit, I want this over. And with that, I'm gonna go take some more Advil...

Here is my list from 2012 (books and movies I recommend have asterisks; I forgot some live concerts):

MOVIES:

Arranged (1.1.12 at home)
A Dolphin Tale (on plane, 1.25.12)
One Day (on plane 1.31.12)
The Descendants (2.19.12)
confessions of a porn addict (end of February)
Hunger Games (5.19.12 with Michael)
Moonrise Kingdom (7.2.12 w/Judi)*
Shortbus (8.1.12 online)
Pitch Perfect (9.20.12, Universal screening w/Marisa)
Liberal Arts (10.20.12 w/Kim)
(most of) Dark Shadows (10.22.12 on plane)
Bernie (11.30.12)
Marwencol (12.24.12)*
The Queen of Versailles (12.24.12)*
Sleepwalk With Me (12.24.12)*
Tiny Furniture (again, 12.25.12)*
You Can Count On Me (again, 12.25.12)
Melancholia (12.27.12)*
Super 8 (12.28.12)
Trekkies (12.28.12)
The Workshop (12.29.12)
Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop (12.29.12)*
Jiro Dreams of Sushi (12.30.12)*

BOOKS:

The Bear Went Over The Mountain / William Kotzwinkle*
The Liars’ Club / Mary Karr*
My Other Life / Paul Theroux*
Pitch Perfect / Mickey Rapkin*
The Inner Circle / TC Boyle*
Every Day Is An Atheist Holiday / Penn Jillette*
lots of magazines (Lucky, Esquire, Wired, Elle, Entertainment Weekly)*

LIVE SHOWS:
Midsummer Night’s Dream Opera A Cappella / 6.30.12
Sweeney Todd / 12.12 at M’head HS

CONCERTS:

LAAF scholastic competition 1.27.12 in LA
LAAF pro concert 1.28.12 in LA
Berklee ICCA semi judging 2.18.12
BITH, Musae 3.2.12 in Cambridge
MIT ICCA semi 3.24.12 in Cambridge
BOSS concerts 4.13-15.12
House Jacks 5.12-13.12 Marblehead and Cambridge
Swingle Singers, 6.24.12 at TCAN
Jim’s Big Ego “Stay” CD release
Overboard Oct in Ipswich, MA
Acapellafest 10.12 in Chicago
A Cappella Armageddon judging 11/12
Overboard in Chelmsford, MA (12/12)

I spent last night working on more logos for the TX festival. Funny that they are ok putting up that clearly unprofessional logo but when I submit something, they all of a sudden have all sorts of specific parameters the logo must have. So I came up with 4 more, and we'll see if any of them pass muster. All of them are heads and shoulders above the current one that is presently representing us. I was not invited to OB's show or the party afterwards. And I realized I have no "place". I don't have couple-y friends because I'm not part of a couple. I'm not part of the young crowd, because they don't see me as influential enough to include anymore. I'm not a parent so I don't have built in friends in my kids' parents. Musicians don't see me as a musician. I can't cocoon up with my partner. Because there's pretend pathetic and then there's pathetic. Pretend pathetic is saying, "I did nothing on New Year's! I stayed home! I'm old!", when you're doing it with your PARTNER. But when you do that alone, it's pathetic. That's me. I don't think I can spend another year alone and as a failure. If I can't pull this out...I'm just not sure.