outsider

Last night I had terrible dreams, about having to move and it costing thousands upon thousands, and having to be approved for credit, and having to live in a place with a ton of roommates, none of whom I knew. At one point, trying to find something to eat in the kitchen, I introduced myself to one of the roommates (because, they certainly weren't introducing themselves to me) and he could not understand my name, no matter how many times I said it, spelled it, etc. Shirley was there and she was sick and needed to get to a vet, and I kept losing track of her. It went on and on. This was inspired by my own ongoing struggles to pay rent, not having my own home, Chris' search for a new place, a story I saw on TV about a family who stayed in their Vegas home while others succumbed, but in the end, while their home has come up again slightly in value, they still may lose it. And another story about movers who hold your stuff hostage until you agree to pay several times more what you contracted to pay (this happens all the time, with no regulation). It's just so disheartening. And Shirley, she has to go in. Aside from being so skinny, she spends a lot of time hiding out on my bedroom floor (which only I know indicates a problem) and has left some poop around, which is a new thing, something that hasn't happened in 14 years. I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst, and terrified to having to go through it alone, again. I'll make an appointment tomorrow...

Today my cousin and wife are having a cookout. I am reluctantly going, because as usual I'll be the only single person there, thereby rendering myself creepy and alien-like. And they're having a baby via surrogate and my cousin's daughter and HER baby will be there, so it will be all baby talk all the time and I'll have to pretend I give a shit about diaper brands and blumbo chairs or whatever the hell new baby accessory everyone is talking about. Cousin's wife texted me last night and asked me if I could bring the band to play. Um...I said I'd ask them. So I did, though it's clearly ridiculously last minute and there's no money in it. And surprisingly, delightfully, they all said yes. But then as cousin's wife realized that it's an actual band*, she said to forget it because they thought we were an a cappella group and could just come and sing a few songs. No, we're a full band, with a drum kit and bass and electric guitar and 3-5 singers (at one time) and a necessary sound system. So, with all that plus a good chance of rain, I told them thanks, but let's skip it. And I'd rather skip it myself. I'm always told I need to "get out", so I force myself out to things, but then I'm always just the one creepy single person. "Go to bars", I'm told. "Have you MET ME??" I want to scream. This despite the fact that I don't know one person who met their spouse at a bar. Yet I'm supposed to go hang out at bars, me, the introvert, the teetotaler, the over-40...

So annoyed.

*though I'd told her about the group and invited her to my first gig and sent the website, she never looked at it or paid attention to the fact that we're not an a cappella group

yesterday

Yesterday, I went to get my allergy vial and then met my friend David for lunch. I had to deliver the boat part to him that I'd picked up for him. He brought his son along, who is around 7 and I hadn't seen in a while. He's such an interesting kid. He loves his daddy. He looks like a crabby little alien, adorable with freckles on his nose and very blonde hair. A little shy but eventually he was telling me jokes. What cracked me up is that David told me the story about his vasectomy while his son sat there, playing a game on his iPad but hearing everything. But then again, there really wasn't anything he said that was inappropriate. I also saw these toys that he has that I'm totally coveting. Little robots or something that fold up into perfect balls. I need one.

And earlier in the week, I went to rehearse with Liz and Maureen (still not sure this is gonna work) and met Liz's daughter Lucy. I had been wanting to meet her because Liz is so cool and because I'd seen pictures of her daughter and she's soooo cute. And indeed, she was so sweet and present and smart.

Meeting kids like these make me really feel like I've missed out. But other kids very much make me feel like I've dodged a bullet. And I'm not that into babies. And I don't even like to voice these things, because I can practically HEAR the naysayers, sniffing, "Well it's a good thing you don't have kids then, because WHO DOESN'T LOOOOOOOVE BABIES??" This despite that fact that I've heard many people admit that they only liked their own babies. I'm sure if it's your baby, their every poop is fascinating, but...And when I think of all the scheduling, the scheduling, the scheduling, the having to schmooze with other parents and all that stuff...that doesn't sound pleasant. And potty training? Then again, you have a built in social circle, for better or for worse. Anyways...

Then I started watching "Metropolis", the sci-fi movie from 1927. Still watching it because I need to see it in pieces. It's so intense and it's silent, so breaking it up is better for me. But it's weird and beautiful. Takes place in The Future, but because the movie was made in 1927, The Future is very wonderfully art-deco-y. I wonder what its creators would think of people in the actual future being able to watch it on a little metal device while laying in bed...

And then I got a prurient email from my celeb friend. A weird cocktail of a day.

the happy people don't see me

One of the difficult things about living in this town in the summer, is that whenever you go out, especially on weekends, you run into all the Happy Families and Happy Couples doing Happy Things. And you feel like an alien walking amongst them. Or, I'll say that I do since I know few other single people. I just went out because 1.) a friend of mine bought a boat part on Craig's List (here, and he lives not that close to here) and asked me to pick it up, and 2.) I needed Draino. I live an exciting life. And the Happy People were out in force, at the grocery store, buying ingredients for their festive weekend meals, discussing if they'd gotten enough for the crowd. That's an experience I rarely have, shopping with someone else for a festive meal, or even just a plain weekend meal. And as my coupled friends don't understand what it's like to always be alone, I'm not invited to many things. I asked my friend A what she's doing on the 4th (a holiday in which I'm almost always alone) and if she and her husband would like to come here, or me go there. No response. This is how we pretend that our single friends aren't really ostracized.

I am SO tired of this. So tired. And I can't even imagine me with someone else at this point. I can't imagine someone being attracted to...this. My window has closed. I lost.

dream brunch

Had a dream that I moved to CA and ran into a guy I know outside a restaurant who was with with a group of people, waiting for brunch (a meal I rarely get to have out). I decided to join them without being asked. Ellis Paul was also there. Once in the restaurant I joked that I'd forced my way into their brunch, expecting my friend to say that he was glad to have me, etc. Instead, he just laughed uncomfortably. And inside and seated, noone talked to me. One guy detailed his health problems.

And that's an encapsulation of why I'm afraid to move, how alone I feel, and how uninvited I feel. All right there. Sigh.

And it's the first day of summer? We never had spring. We had cold, cold, rain, rain, pouring rain, it's winter again, a few scorching days, a few nice days...and summer? 

the supermegabloatedmart

It's getting harder and harder to convince myself to go to the mega-huge grocery store. But I go every few days or so because I also have no ability or interest in doing a massive (planned) shopping trip. But I go, even though I have no interest in cooking anydamnthing. It's just a slog to cook for oneself. There's no cooking for a family or a spouse, just me. No meals together. Again. I don't love cooking to begin with, let alone for just me. It's sad. It's annoying. It's time consuming. Just navigating that place, sooo big. So bright. Middling produce. Terrible bakery. Wouldn't ever consider getting fish there. Smells like chlorine. Ick.

Once more, I wish my friends would understand that each time they "next time" me when I invite them somewhere (and there's never a next time), that they'd remember that I don't have that 24/7 partner to do things with, and I'm having trouble doing things on my own, walking into every event alone. It's embarrassing.

Ok, gotta look for a logo I designed that seems to have disappeared...

you're not that funny

I believe in the power of social media, because I see how it works every day, and I'm around and work with and learn from people who know WAY more than me about its power. Still, of course, there are many things about it that drive me nuts, and no need to list those here. There's a million lists out there that encapsulate (and funny-ize) my frustrations. But one thing that annoys me is (have you noticed this?) that lots of times someone will post something on FB and there's always at least one person who has to play the part of comedian and respond in some punny, but unfunny, way. I guess it just proves that a lot of people think they're funny, but few are. Luckily, I don't notice it so much on things I post, which I will chalk up to my friends being PERFECT (heh), but on others' stuff. I wish there were a sticker or something I could use that essentially conveyed "you're not the comedian you think you are; shut up!" or something like that. It also super annoys me when people won't swear on FB, and post things like "that kicked my a$$". Now, unless you're a teacher or in some profession where the people viewing your page need to see only completely "clean" content, sack up, be an adult, write out the damn word. Noone is going to be damaged by seeing the word ASS. Sheesh.

Someone I know who has a 2 year old and whose wife just had a baby was asking people who've been there: does this get easier, because we've only been home 4 days and we're at our wits end? I can imagine that must be very difficult. And of course the dumbass "comedians" came out with their useless answers, but luckily someone I know who is a Mormon mom of 6 (or more?) had some actual, practical advice. Sometimes it's best to keep your mouth shut unless you have something that's actually helpful, or actually funny.

Stupid thing to vent about, I know, but...

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I was in my bedroom the other day and turned on the radio. Very few stations tune in on it, so I stopped at what turned out to be a sports channel. I left it there for 15 mins or so. It was a Red Sox game. Between the regular commercial breaks, when the game was happening and there was game commentary, there were ads every few minutes. No kidding. The commentators would be in the middle of calling the game, and they'd go "And this is sponsored by so and so Ford - the official Ford dealer of the Boston Red Sox" (apparently they have an "official" everything). I'm gonna say that 80% of this radio show was ads. I don't know how anyone listening can deal with that. Yet another reason sports blow. A friend's brother just got drafted into the Red Sox, so my interest level went from 0% to 0.5%. I still won't pay attention though. I've never been to a game of any kind nor do I have any interest in them. I know what would happen if I went to, say, a Red Sox game: I'd spend the first half hour, MAYBE an hour being really interested in the history (being part of something so historic), the spectacle, the goings-on (not the game itself), the crowd, and then I'd be very very bored for the rest of it.

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My car's still not right, and Shirley really needs to go in. Worry worry worry.

wire-free

Ok, we get it, rain. We see you, we feel you. We don't need you EVERY DAY FOR WEEKS AND WEEKS AND WEEKS. This is not Seattle. Wish we could send some of you to the areas that do need you...

I got my new printer and just (wow!) printed something with it. Wirelessly. It is a revelation! I have been forced to print everything from my old laptop (because I didn't want to put HP's bloated software on this one) and having to connect it up whenever you wanted to print something. Oh wireless things, I love you so.

My newest friend is a priest. Have I mentioned that? No. He's a songwriter who I did some vocals for and then he asked if I wanted to have lunch, so we've been meeting almost every week. He's married with 2 or 3 kids, and has a great marriage, so it's nothing untoward. And here's the funny thing: we never have talked about religion. Not once. We've talked about his job and how he got there (and it's an interesting story - he went to clown college and was a clown for a while, then toured with a one man show, then eventually went to college and divinity school, etc) but not about religion, per se. I know he's sometimes frustrated with the structure of the church, the restrictions. Like, he wanted to get an MSW before going to divinity school but they basically told him no, you must come here now or not at all. And that they didn't want him getting that degree, which to my mind could do nothing but help him as a clergyman. So he doesn't know I'm a godless heathen, or he knows and doesn't care. Because he looooves me. He's a very gregarious guy (which Raymond told me about before I met him in the studio).

Once more, more to say, but can't get inspired to write in a vacuum.

Sunday ... almost Tonys time

My niece is graduating from high school. It's hard to believe it's been 18 years since I saw her emerge. Cliche as it sounds, time really does fly. She's going to NY in the fall. I finally finished putting together the graduation package for her, and now I have to wrap and send it.

Remember when I said she looked like a model at her prom? That wasn't just biased-because-she's-my-niece kinda talk. See for yourself (she's on the left in the coral dress. my other niece is standing behind her. her date is standing behind her as well, and the BIL is on the right taking pictures...of someone else, apparently!)

It does make me wonder if I've made a mistake not having kids, but it's not like I have someone now, or in the recent past, and never EVER wanted to be a single parent (even ambivalent about parenting in general). I think I'd be a good parent, but I also think I'd be so fearful that my child would be so tortured and ostracized like I was that that would not be good for any kid. I really can't think about it (too) much.

I ordered a (wireless, all-in-one) printer today after finding one on sale and using a coupon. Free delivery and it will be here on Tues. And now I await the onslaught of the doubled insurance. Gotta get some stuff done before that, like taking Shirley in. So scared to take Shirley in. I made the mistake of looking online at her symptoms and it was terrifying. Also can't think too much about that.

Not sure how much we each made at the gig last night, as I won't get paid till the next rehearsal. If it's decent, it will/could be be a reason to stay in, despite Maureen.

Wanted to write about something, but will do it later.

Whew, home. Got through it. Some (what felt like) trainwrecks but who knows how it sounded as there are no monitors. Good crowd tho, esp Drunk British Guy. 

And I was just listening to ppl next door having loud sex (mazel tov) while reading a biography on Masters & Johnson. But guess what I'm NOT doing? Yeah.

realization, before the first gig

I make a passable drag queen, but an ugly-ass woman.

At least my boobs are real.

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And I just found out that my car insurance, owing to the NY speed trap and backing into a pole, is DOUBLING. Not a small increase, as I was told, but DOUBLING. I can't catch a fucking break.

it's a long way down to the bottom of the river

I wonder if it's hypocritical that I don't understand or think it's a good idea that so many drug treatment centers are run by (or staffed by) former drug addicts. I just don't know if someone who's fried their brain for any period of time is someone I would want overseeing my recovery, when there's little room for error and the odds are stacked against you to begin with. Then again, maybe they're the best people to do it?

BUT that I also think that someone who claims they've been "fat" when they've only ever been slightly overweight starts a weight loss and fitness consultation company should not be trusted at ALL. Because that's an outright lie. Not that you need to have been significantly overweight to help people lose weight, but if your dysmorphia has you calling your former self "fat" when you were never close it, that's not trustworthy behavior. You likely can't have empathy for someone who really has a lot to lose because you saw yourself as "fat" when you weren't.

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Lately I've been so so sad (as opposed to just dully sad) about N. That I have no reason to contact him, that he doesn't contact me, that the worst possible outcome I could have imagined is always the one I get. Never better, sometimes worse. That I lost a friend despite his assuring me that wouldn't happen. That I may have lost another friend in the process, who seems to think I made the whole thing up, and bro-code says that when you're dealing with an alleged crazy person, you just stay polite, make no quick movements, and back away...and away...and support your bros in doing so. Anything that allows a guy to write someone off seems to be supported by his fellow bros. Isn't that the fucking sweetest?

Discarded, discarded, discarded. Will I ever matter? Or do I just wait until the fast-approaching old lady-dom, accept my role as spinster, and wait for hormones to make it such that I don't give a shit anymore? It just feels so bleak that I can't seem to spin this any sunshiney way. Friends are having baby upon baby (not to mention my brother) and it's hitting me hard. Just feeling so alone.

I can't

making progress

I was listening to Terry Gross interviewing Stephen King the other day, and she was asking him about his terrible car accident (where he got hit by a car and almost killed) and if he had a near-death experience, and he said, "I wish I could lie to you, but no, I didn't see the light, there were no angels flitting by my bed. I was just really, really sick." And then they lightly addressed the issue of whether or not there's a god (upshot: probably not). And it was so interesting, just that they were having that conversation, as skirting of the issue as they may have been. We're addressing it more and more, and pubicly. It's been so long that atheists have been considered evil or amoral, and in fact, our president still has to be - or at least say he is - a religious man because otherwise he probably wouldn't get elected. But more people are "coming out", being more vocal about...logic. That woman who, when baited by ass-clown Wolf Blitzer as she stood in the rubble of her home after the tornado and he said she had to "thank the lord", didn't she? (for surviving we apparently thank the lord, but for creating/sending the tornado...well, he had nothing to do with that. glory!), said no, she's an atheist, though she doesn't begrudge anyone being thankful. He got a lot of shit for that, as he should have, and lots of "amoral" atheists rallied, and raised significant funds to rebuild her house.

And then there was Trace Adkins calling Penn Jillette "the most ethical atheist I know" on Celeb Apprentice. Again, the insinuation that without a deity lording (no pun intended) over you you can't be moral, is common, but rapidly becoming less so. And in fact, Penn wants people to know, as he said on Facebook and asked people to spread around, that Trace apologized profusely afterwards and felt very badly about having said that. He knew it was a mistake.

And, as Dan Savage was saying recently that he used to think that he wouldn't see marriage equality in his lifetime and now he's actually seeing it, and much of that has to do with people being brave enough to come out, be public, be part of their community as out gay people, and that's hard to continue to ignore that they deserve equal rights when they are real people living among you. This is similar. Reason will win out, eventually. Not as quickly as gay rights will, but eventually.

snowing in 90 degree heat

Yesterday was keerazy. I got some info the night before, did a bit of what I could (which wasn't all that much but turned out to be crucial), got there at noon and was immediately thrown into the chaos of the production. This was the reunion for the Harvard class of 78, and they planned a big production with various games (it was also a fundraiser for the bombing victims). The show was ridiculously silly. The whole thing was run by a staff of...I'm gonna say 20, with stage managers, sound guys, light guys, camera guys, various iterations thereof, and me, doing content and running it during the show. When the guy from that class who put the whole thing together arrived, we got down to work putting the visuals for the show together, and he was great. The work he'd done in advance made my job possible. The day didn't end until after 11:30, and the pace never let up. The whole thing was run like a TV show, with everyone on headsets, calling cues, etc. There was even a snow machine (FYI, we did indeed go from wintery weather right to 90+ degrees. Fuck that. Seriously). I'm trying to get better at things like this, because they tend to overwhelm me. I don't like not knowing what I'm doing until I get there, but it's fun to actually pull it off, and the client/s were REALLY happy with how it came out. I worked on no less than 4 computers during the day, during the live show was using two and watching another monitor (and talking on the headset). I managed to take a few pictures: http://www.flickr.com/photos/amalkoff/sets/72157633856185285/

When I arrived, the main stage manager, who was very nice, referred to me as the "very expensive content person", which I thought was funny. I had no idea what I was making. I've worked for David (and his sound company) for so long that we just kind of do things that way. He always pays fairly. I invoiced him today. But "very expensive"? Not really. I can't even imagine how much this event must have cost with all the crew and effects.

The class of 78 people that I met were really nice, and incredibly funny. It gave me hope that one doesn't have to lose that. The class of 88 also had their reunion show that night, and theirs was a much more serious affair. They had real performances with real performers. It was funny to contrast the two. Maybe at 47 we're still super-serious about our careers, but by 57, we cut loose more?

But I managed to do the job with only a few small mistakes, and the clients liked me. So I'll consider it a win.

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My niece is going to her prom tonight. She literally looks like a model. She and her boyfriend are up for prom king and queen. As someone who didn't even get invited to any prom, let alone attend one, I'll consider this, also, a win.

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Now that the Filipino people are part of my blood, and part of me (and with nephew #1 on the way, even moreso), I feel terrible saying this: now that they've taken over, for the most part, the phone bank jobs that used to belong to Indian people, I find that I cannot STAND talking to them. First of all, every woman sounds exactly the same, and I'm someone who can tell voices apart with precision. But they do. And they all have the same sing-songy demeanor that ultimately means "I can do nothing for you". The sing-songiness never stops, but they can't ever do ANYTHING for you. They say "I'm so sorry! I can definitely help you with that!" (sing-songy but not actually friendly), and then they proceed to NOT HELP YOU WITH ANYTHING. I find myself wishing and wishing and wishing that I could talk to someone in the US. And I hate that I want that.

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I think there may be something wrong with my car and my Shirley, neither of which can I really think about...