upload an image for the beer?

I would love it if people would take the minute it takes to proof their own emails, so that they're not sending me things like this:

"I got our from the Twitter profile page. You upload an image for the beer and that ids what it said for dimensions"

Which are...sort of English, but make no sense, and then I have to ask what the hell you're talking about, and now our conversation is twice as long as it needed to be. And then sending multiple unintelligible emails asking me to do you a favor. Sometimes I really wish I was Wes. He does not tolerate this kind of time-wasting from anyone, and he's much better at saying "cut the shit" in ways that either don't piss people off or that he can tolerate if they are/do, than I am. 

do you understand grateful?

Lately I've heard a lot of people talk about how "lucky" they are, as in:

"I'm so lucky to get to spend my life with this guy" (says someone in her 20s who just got engaged)

"I'm so lucky that I married my best friend" (says a couple celebrating their 6th year anniversary)

"We're so lucky to have him join our family" (said my sister in law about her new son)

And I appreciate their expressions of gratitude, as people should be grateful, but I wonder if there's any real gravity behind the words. Yes, I believe they're grateful, but does someone in their 20s really know what it's like to be...me? To be unloved and single in (her) 40s? And facing a lifetime alone? The more I think of it, the more hopeless it seems. You wanna see grateful? Me finding someone. That'd be grateful like you would not believe. Because I've endured aloneness way past the time when the vast vast majority of people have to. And finding someone in your 20s IS lucky (though relatively easy) and IS a beautiful thing, but if it doesn't work out, as it may well not, she still has time, and hope.

And grateful for your baby? Someone who has two perfect children without trying at all of 32 or something is different than my cousin and his wife, who went through a years-long ordeal finding a surrogate, and then trouble with the surrogate getting pregnant, and then when she did it was a very difficult pregnancy, and now they're still watching him carefully, a few weeks after his birth. But I'm guessing they know grateful in a different way, despite the astronomical cost. It's gratefulness borne of adversity. An added layer.

Grateful can be just a platitude, something people say when they think they should, or even when they feel it, or sometimes it's a way to make a brag palatable, but (these people) haven't faced the difficulties that they might have getting to that place of gratefulness.

I'd love a chance to be grateful. Just a chance. I don't like when people suggest that I should compare myself to people who are worse off than me in order to feel better (people do this a LOT), but the same people tell me it's not good to compare myself to those that are better off.

And right now, I really wish I had someone to talk to.

have fun! smile! wear costumes!

I've had more than one person question why it is that I just can't "have fun" with this band. Here are a few reasons:

- that they don't want to do the work to make the music and the performance better, but do want to talk a lot about how things should be better
- that they want to talk about our "competition", and groups that are better than us and are getting better gigs, but we have no recorded music for booking agents to listen to (literally not one song), and they don't seem interested in getting into a studio to record a few tunes so that we can play at more venues than just the handful we're grandfathered into
- that I get a lot of comments about what *I* need to improve (though occasionally they, sans M, are supportive as well), and the overall message is that I'm not good enough
- that M keeps talking about us needing "costumes" and yet she (and Liz) dress super casually, and even when they're dressed up, it's not really performance-wear. it's more like...guest-at-a-wedding wear.
- that every second, I'm aware that N and Deke and other people I know (I started to write "friends" but even amended that) are on the NBC lot doing important things, and making actual money

I think it's a fun group, sans M, who by her own admission is "totally burnt out" and yet holds on. Not sure why. But it's so far from what I want. At Friday's gig, I was:

- called "Emily", by M's husband, who was mixing me up with, well, Emily, who sometimes fills in (though he's now been at several gigs and rehearsals that I've been at)
- told by a woman in the audience that we're a really fun group with great harmonies but that I look "upset" and I should smile more. Wow, smile more. Really? I've never heard that one before. I asked Rich, the hilariously dour guitar player (who is great) if anyone ever tells HIM he should smile more. "No, but I'm the guitar player". Right. as usual, the singers, the women are supposed to act in a way that makes people comfortable*, and that means grinning like a fool all the time. Here's the thing: I DO smile, when it makes sense to. I'm not a model. I don't have to smile on cue. Why is it just not ok to be me? Why am I this old and still dealing with this shit??
- M's two boozy middle-aged cackling friends told her that she looked fabulous and that Liz and I should take a cue from her vis-a-vis dressing. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. If I ever start dressing like M, just shoot me. No, actually, dressing like her would be punishment enough.

So yeah, overall effect: not particularly fun for me, though I love I'd say 95% of the music, and most of the band.

Liz keeps saying that she doesn't do this for the money. She's just in it for the music and the fun. Then again, she has a husband who supports her. I'm in it for the money, though it's not that much. It's great to be working on any kind of music again (and hopefully strengthening my voice), but it's not fulfilling any artistic vision I have. 

*went to see my friend J perform recently, and not only does the guy NEVER smile, he barely talks to the audience, and in this show had a few actual meltdowns where he just stopped and said he couldn't continue, and the audience sang his own lyrics to him (which was sweet, actually) to buoy him. would any audience put up with this shit from a woman? doubt it. it's ok if men are moody and dark, but with women: if you're not smiling constantly, there's something wrong with you. I actually wish I could just change this about myself because I'm so very very sick of dealing with it, but I've tried and people still see me as NOT smiling, so maybe my musculature just isn't normal or something...I don't know. why the hell do I even have to spend time thinking about this shit??

when babies talk

So, because the brother and the cousin had babies within a week of each other, I went to get some presents for them. And what I found, though I already knew it, is that it's hard to find baby clothes that don't have the baby "talking", eg "I have my Daddy's heart" or "I'm the little brother", OR they "title" the kid, like "Mommy's Angel" or "Future Superstar". These are (some of) the things about kid/baby culture that creep me the fuck out. Why do babies have to "talk"? Why is it considered cute? How do these things become popular, and then people buy, sheep-like? Crocs are the best example of that there is. Something that wouldn't be touched unless it got marketed somehow at the right time, the right way, and became trendy (not fashionable, for sure, but trendy, absolutely). That's when people buy and wear those things and make excuses for as to why they're wearing or buying something they normally wouldn't touch. It's the kind of sheeplyness that makes me sad.

To me, it's about as far from cute as can be, so I scoured some stores for cute things without those kinds of phrases (or, ya know, sports shit, because these are for two boys, and ... gross). I found them. Will send them out tomorrow.

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This band isn't making me feel better about myself musically. Just worse. Maybe I just suck.

rules of the road

The car accident saga continues. They say when you get rear-ended, it's always the other person's fault. BUT apparently you can just say that the person you rear ended "went around me" and your insurance company will say, "ok buddy. cool. we'll back that!" because that's what happened. They took 7 weeks to get a response from the guy who was on the back of the truck, who 1.) was not impartial and 2.) said at the time that he knew I was not at fault and when he finally did respond, he lied and said it was my fault, and backed the driver saying that I "went around" him. Now this is not even logically possible, but that's what they're going with. So they won't cover my rental. But I took my car in at a time that they'd be able to keep it for the least possible amount of time (a week) and I was supposed to get it back today.

Then I called the body shop and was told not only that he needed it for another week, but that I might have to pay for part of the repair if my insurance did not cover it all. He tried to explain why but for the life of me I didn't understand what he was saying. I was told my insurance company had waived my deductible and would cover the repair entirely. Now I'm hearing that I'll have to pay for the rental and pay for it for two weeks, and that the repair might not be covered.

I hustled over to my insurance agency again, and while there, the body shop guy called me back. They talked, and apparently now the body shop guy is covering the rental, or at least the second week. I don't know. And my agency doesn't know why he'd say I would have to pay anything. They've already cut him a check. For over $3000. It's all murky, and infuriating.

In the meantime, I've written to the board of insurance, the BBB (where the truck company currently has a grade of D), the truck company itself, and the town (where this happened and who contract the truck company). I've talked to lawyers. Next step is small claims. I also have a letter written to the truck driver, just letting him know what a CLUSTERFUCK this has turned into, and that his little aggression game has been a major pain in the ass for me, and he's lucky he has an insurance company that will back a lie. That hasn't gone out yet.

Bottom line: if you lie, and your insurance company is willing to support your lie, you may very well be able to rear end someone and get away with it. And even if everyone else (the cops, your own independent adjustor, the other insurance company and body shop and adjustor, the basic rules of the road) says otherwise, you'll be in the clear.

I am the blob

Ok, car went in. And I tried again to call the truck company, but they obviously dodged my call, and haven't returned it. Classy. So, I just sent a formal complaint, via certified letter (with all supporting documents), to the department of insurance. BBB and small claims are next. Fuck them.

I really feel held hostage by my appetite and blood sugar. When my blood sugar plummets, which it does if I don't eat regularly, meaning every few hours, I become non-functional. Shaking, clammy, and on my way to loss of consciousness. The only solution is to eat NOW, usually something sugary or bread-y. Often I have no interest in eating, but have to because it's coming on or I'm in it. Yesterday it happened when I was getting some food (waited too long to feed the beast) and by the time I got the food, I was shaking and desperate. I had to slam the food, not really getting to enjoy it much at all, and then rest and recuperate for hours. It's pretty unpleasant. I've been tested for everything and noone seems to have a solution. I should probably be on some kind of special diet.

I feel like one of the blobby monster-people that the oatmeal draws. I couldn't find a picture of them. But they're blobby and slovenly and stain-covered, and that's how I feel when this happens. Not only do I not want to be fat, I realize it's one of the main reasons I'm still single since men only judge by looks and this look is apparently no bueno. WHYYYY am I straight?? I digress. But I'm being betrayed by my body with this shit. No, I didn't want to slam that bowl of cereal, but if I didn't, I would have passed out. There's got to be some supplement or something I can take. I've seen these glucose things they have for diabetics. Maybe I'll try that.

flip

- feed and water cats
- clean litterbox
- flip mattress (by myself, bitches. how I looooove being single. /sarcasm)
- changes sheets
- clean dishes
- do a ton of Nameless stuff

now to

- vacuum
- go over CASA SM job candidates and pick who we want to inteview
- give Shirley meds

Yes, what a fun weekend it is for me.

-----------

The car goes in on Monday. I'm going to have to cover the rental and take the truck company to small claims court to try to recoup it. Deee-fucking-lightful. I also am in the process of filling out the forms to file a complaint with the insurance department.

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I really do hate the Boston accent, but I've realized that in the gradations of accents, I really prefer the gritty type rather than the type that skews faux-British, like the people who say "cawnt" (can't) because somehow it takes an already grating accent and adds a soupçon of pretentiousness to it. The Dunkin Donuts ads where people try to do the accent is pretty funny. Boo, I can't find it online.

UPDATE: D reminds me that it's McDonalds, not DD, so here it is. The guy who says "fair trade certified" actually pretty much has it.

spinning (eraser) wheel

Last night I had a dream that I was writing a paper on a typewriter, only when I misspelled something, the ink would come out red! That's a pretty clever mashup of the old and the new, huh? And I asked A to retype it for me because she apparently typed faster than me, so she was erasing with those round typewriter erasers (pictured) that surely have gone the way of the dinosaur.

And I also dreamt that I was kissing a friend of mine who is WAY younger than me. I think he's adorable but really, he is ridiculously too young. And I instantly felt creepy (when I woke) that I'd dreamt that, and I continued to feel creepy. And in the dream, he was still with his ex (also a friend) and she was following us around while we were trying to sneak around on her! But then, as I continued to think about it today, I realized that if the genders were reversed, no guy my age would EVER feel creepy about being attracted to a woman in her 20s. No, they all think they deserve that, and that they're biologically driven to want that (hence the reason that they can easily dismiss anyone older). I'm not gonna tell my friend about the dream or pursue it, like, EVER, so why should I be embarrassed? Anyways, we'd look like a hot dog and bun together. Me, shorter than him and rounder (bun), and him, tall and impossibly skinny (hot dog) and hipster-y. But if I could find an older, less skinny version of him, that'd be awesome.

And because I have all these friends in their 20s, it's interesting to see them navigating relationships. Now they're with this person, now they're with that person. You never hear about how it went down; just that they're with someone new, and the someone new is often someone else I know. But I guess that's how I was when I was their age too, only no internet (in common practice) with which to follow the goings-on. What do they think about relationships? Are they anxious to find someone to settle down with? Afraid that they won't find someone? I was anxious but didn't want to settle down that early, but was always afraid I'd be left behind, and lo and behold...I've been left behind. I wish I could go back and see if I could do it again, or maybe I'm just inherently unlovable and no matter how I played it, I'd still be alone? I don't know. I wish I had the chance though.

hello, I'm your social media coach

Some potential news making me feel sick, so I'll just write about...something else...

Lately, I've been feeling like everyone's internet/social media coach, but only in such a way that it makes me feel like everyone around me is so UNsavvy about these things that it must mean I'm old.

-R asked me to explain hashtags, which I did, and he proceeded to not respond. I had already explained them to V, so I just copied the info.

-Someone asked me to explain how to make an FB photo private. I did, with screenshots and links and explanations, even though it's not that hard to do, and I don't think she ever got it.

-My cousin posted some meme on FB, a supposed quote by Betty White that Betty White never said. Old and disproven multiple times (the quote, not Betty!). I mentioned this and she pulled the old "well, whoever said it was genius!". Wrong. Try again. That's should NOT be your response, especially as a writer. A writer CARES about attribution, especially a marketing writer who should have her ear to the ground vis-a-vis social media and pop culture and those kinds of things, since it's your job to do so.

-Someone else who just joined FB asked me where to put her website link (ok, I guess that's ok, even though she probably could have easily figured it out)

-Someone else asked me today why you can't make your photos default to albums rather than individual photos. I dunno. That's how FB has it set up. As far as I know, that's not editable at this point. This is a good question, though.

And on and on. I'm not sure I can articulate why this bothers me so much. Because it indicates that (some) people my age use the internet like the elderly? Because it means that often, the same people who dismiss social media as just notifying the public of what one has had for lunch are the ones who won't spend a little time figuring out how to actually use it so it's actually useful. Or maybe they ARE doing that, which would be cool.

---------------

And speaking of being annoyed, I would really, really appreciate it if my friends would not text and be on the internet on their phones incessantly when we're together. If there's an emergency or something important, sure, but if we haven't seen each other for a while and you've said you're looking forward to catching up, don't be accepting Facebook friend requests and surfing FB and having long text convos while we're together. Please. It's so obvious that people aren't listening when there's that lag between when I say something and when they respond, usually with something generic like, "oh, cool". You've just made it very clear you're ignoring me for your phone. Soooo not cool. I don't do that to other people, and I wish they'd reciprocate. Essentially it makes it such that you're alone, even though you're with someone, because they're for all intents and purposes not there. I think I'm actually going to ask the few people who do that to not do it when it comes up again.

---------------

Rocco's voice is still scratchy. Called the vet yesterday and woman on the phone told me that sometimes cats lose their voices and sometimes they come back and sometimes they don't. She didn't seem like she really knew what she was talking about. And he's generally so vocal. I'm not satisfied with that answer so I'm just watching him. I love his loud obnoxious voice and I don't want it to just "go away".

week of babies and gigs and jumping bugs

This has been a week of events. A friend's baby was born, my cousin and his wife's baby was born via surrogate (and with some expected health issues, as it was a difficult/high risk pregnancy), A's grandmother died, more insurance bullshit, a rehearsal and 3 gigs in a row, and a concert tonight.

All Of The Babies (and my brother's is due soon), as usual, make me feel like I've missed out on all things that one is "supposed to" do. That I'm a freak outlier. That I've never experienced those adult High Celebrations that the vast majority of people get to do. Like religion, doing those things must make one feel more tethered to the world, like things are the way they're supposed to be, even if one has to set aside logic to do so.

----------------

I could really do without these allergy spikes that happen every once in a while. Compared to being sick all the time, it's not much, but this one's lasted since last night, with relentlessly watery eyes and just general discomfort.

----------------

Something's wrong with Rocco's voice. It's all scratchy/hoarse. He's usually very vocal and now he's not talking as much because his voice is scratchy. Maybe it hurts. Now I'm worried about him too. I guess if it continues much longer, I'll call the vet. 

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Doing 3 gigs in 3 days was interesting. I hadn't forgotten what a pain in the ass it is to travel with a whole band, with drumkit. So much setup and breakdown, especially when we're supplying our own sound as well, which apparently is often for this group. M, who is the group's founder but also its weak point, told me on Thurs that she'd been thinking after having checked out the other acts at the gig the day before, and that we needed costumes and choreography. That we were "boring" and that she herself had checked out (ya think??). And in fact, performances, as I observe them, often have: set changes on the fly, M bickering with Paul the drummer during the show, M forgetting entrances on songs she supposedly knows backwards and forwards, M changing shoes because she can't do heels for a whole show...so many unprofessional things, but they're all coming from M. She doesn't know that, though, though she apparently is self aware enough to realize she's checked out. I mean, I'm still using a book for some of the songs because I've only had 5 gigs total still, with over 60 songs learned, and having to compensate for M's jumping around on parts within each song, so I hope to be off it soon (and will put more time in on my own to do so), but she's still using a lyric book though she said she's been doing these same songs "for 30 years". What the?? Yeah, this is not the way I'm used to working. So I'm trying to weigh whether having some cash in my pocket and liking the other people (and even M, though I think she's astoundingly lazy, and that does not endear me to her) is worthwhile. Is it ultimately serving me, or is just keeping me at a level lower than I wish to be? I cannot help but compare. This week alone, I had friends who were on national TV, who were opening for Diana Ross, who were working on The Sing-Off, etc etc. And there's no way around the fact that this band has no "future", per se, by which I mean it won't ever be anything other than what it is, I don't think. I can't really imagine everyone stepping up such that they decide to really rehearse and really craft a show, though the skill is there to do so. I just don't think the culture of the group is such that that's likely. The guitar player is great, and is hilarious because I think he'd be invisible if he could. He often has his back to the audience or is behind a pole. It kind of cracks me up. But he's a sweetie. The bass player is so enthusiastic and happy to be there, and is our in-house tech guy. Paul the drummer is a wealth of information about these songs, and cracks me up with corny jokes.

----------------

I just took a flying bug outside that had gotten in here. It was black and shiny and shaped like a submarine. And when I touched it it jumped up and down like a jumping bean. Jump! Jump! Jump! I took it outside and touched it again and watched it jump. No idea what it is. Glad it's no longer in here. 

making a car payment

I have only a handful of payments left before I own my car. It's the first new car I ever bought (though definitely not the first financed). And once it gets repaired from the truck accident, it will be back to being in amazing condition inside and out, with low miles. The fact that I'm so close to owning it makes being hit by a truck whose insurance company is trying to twist the facts and delay in order to not have to pay even more painful and infuriating. Looking forward to seeing it whole again. Sometimes my payment is late but I pay every month. Yet every time I call to make a payment, I get grilled by the finance company. Aside from asking for all my contact info over and over, it's

- do you have a home number (no, I've said this every time)
- do you have a work number (no, it's the same as my cell)
- what's the name of your company?
- what do you do?
- maybe you should look info refinancing*
- maybe you can borrow from family or friends (why? and what business is it of yours?)
- why is your payment late?
- when will you have the next payment?

Seriously, shut the fuck up. Just take my payment and leave me alone. I'm not a criminal. I'm making payments, and I'm almost DONE with your asses, so stop with the interviews each time I call. 

Another day, another humiliation...

* I actually went to my bank and talked to someone there (after the financing company suggested this twice), and I asked them if this would be a good idea. Not really, they said, unless you want to lower your payments and extend the amount of time you'll be paying.

why I have no breakfast

Of all the big things that are sad about being single (that whole NOT BEING LOVED thing), the small ones sting just as much. You don't want to go out and get pet food, or hell, people food because you're overwhelmed and tired? Fuck you, noone else is going to do it, like, EVER, so get your ass out there, or no food for you or them. Don't want to clean or take the trash out? Fuck you, noone else is going to do it, so unless you want to be part of a slow slide into Hoarders-ville, get off your ass. Don't feel like cooking or going to get some take out? Fuck you, don't eat then. Feeling sad and just wish you had someone to hug who'd tell you it's going to be ok? Fuck you, it's not going to be ok. Suck it up and be alone. No soft place to fall. No emergency contact. Noone to tether you to anything. And I'd love to be and do these things for someone else, as well. I've been ready to do that for years. Where is he?

And this is why I have nothing for breakfast. I dragged my ass out last night to get cat food and litter, but just couldn't - couldn't - stomach the thought of another grocery store slog, so...