to go or not to go

Sometimes I wish I had an always-available counsel, someone I could check in with at any time to ask, "should I do this?" "should I say that?" The reality is that I have friends that I can talk to, but noone who will always pick up the phone. Some who never will. And so I found myself last night outside of the venue where OB was performing, not knowing whether I should go in or not. I could hear my friend Pam's voice (funnily, she lives very close by, so I could have stopped by and just asked her) saying, "you can't contact him. you can't talk to him..." And the truth is that I hadn't contacted him. For months. We hadn't spoken since June, I think. But he actually got in touch with me recently because he had an article he wanted posted. I wrote about this. And the article, of course, has gotten lots of hits, is one of the highest viewed articles on the site in the past month.

I started the drive up thinking that when I got there (I didn't ask anyone else to go with me, because I didn't know if I wanted to do it, and because it seemed like that might make it more uncomfortable, though maybe it just makes it look like I have no friends), I'd know whether to go in or not. And I got there, after the show had started (and the parking lot completely full) and I just sat in my car trying to imagine the possible scenarios. And then...I drove away. But then...I turned back, parked far away, and went in. Paid. And sat in the very last row. I could tell from the minute I sat down that they were working hard against an appreciative but very dead audience. I've done many shows to those types of audiences. It's rough. There was just no energy in the room, and they haven't mastered the art of being able to create it despite that type of audience. So the energy lagged, the banter was good, but stilted. Ultimately, the audience loved them (I know this part because I was standing with them when people were leaving and many people deliberately came up to say how much they loved them), but the energy never really picked up.

Their set was only the first half of the show, so I sat with a very chatty Fredo for the second half and that acted as an insulator, and S and N came in afterwards and sat nearby. After the intermission, I felt like an anxious, scared mess. And angry at myself for feeling that way. I even wrote a few pages in a notebook about it. Thought about transcribing them here, but...no. Ultimately it was fine. We talked, hugged, talked about him doing the blogs monthly (his idea - we'll see if he actually does it). Talked about talking again. He said it was a weird gig (I agreed). S was his usual adorable self ("nothing says 'rock star' like a preppy sweater and a fedora").

Fredo told me he's leaving the group because another, newer, group he's in wants to go full time. They're already traveling all over the world, and Fredo's gigging with both of them at the moment. I'd love to have that "problem". 

But if I'm honest, though I love both groups that were performing and yes I wanted to see them, the thing that compelled me to go in despite lots of fears, was that I wanted to see that face again.

big C

My brother in law's mother has pancreatic cancer. I just heard that she's getting worse, and they're bringing in hospice. So sad. This is someone so beloved. A pediatrician with the commensurate temperament. My BIL has been going out to MD (from CA) to take care of her for several months now. The other two siblings, who are closer, are also coming in. And because my friend's mother has had stage 4 colon cancer for the better part of the last two years, and is still chugging along (though I wouldn't call her "well" or in remission), it makes me think about how unpredictable cancer is, how it progresses per person. I'm sure there are some patterns and perhaps processes that one can depend on (if there weren't, there wouldn't be stages at all), but ultimately, there's no way to know who absolutely will survive and who won't. It's NOT about prayer, or who is better, more pious, or more deserving. That just sets up a nasty and fictional hierarchy where some are worthy of life and some just didn't "want it enough", or they weren't "survivors". Penn said in his last book that he was comforted by the thought that his mother's death was random, that it wasn't sanctioned or decided upon by some deity or the volume of whispered prayers sent to (that deity). Because that would be more painful, if one thought that (a god) had taken her away deliberately when she could have lived. But if someone close to you is clearly dying from cancer, all that matters is that there comes a point where it's obvious they're not going to pull through, and that must be horrible, and they stop treatment, and just start making that person as comfortable as possible. With my friend's mother, her odds were never good, her treatments have been brutal, and she's gotten much more bad news than good. Yet her last news was fairly positive, and she's doing (cautiously) ok. Still, cancer is a bitch, one that takes away too many people too soon. There's a picture on Instagram of my older niece with her grandmother, taken not that long ago, that I wish I could save and post here. It's very sweet. And her new cousin, her other aunt's new baby, is named after (their grandmother). So her name will live on.

follow up

(per the last entry) I wonder if this happens to other people - when you go to bed hungry, by the time you wake up, you're no longer hungry. If only that could last for...ever?

Anyways, the art got a thumbs up, so here it is:

corrupted images

In our festival conference call this week, someone said that they needed artwork for the upcoming collaborative recording track. They asked (one of the guys). He said he was too busy. They said they'd figure something else out, and then I volunteered to do it. I hesitated because the former director of festivals told me many negative things about myself (I will give him credit for trying to temper it with positive things), including that he didn't like my design (in general). I assume(d) that meant that everyone in the org feels the same. So I've spent today creating the cover, and AGONIZING over it. I changed the main font alone several times. I just sent in the finished product (unless they want changes) and I will admit that I'm anxious to hear what they think. What if they hate it? I think it's pretty decent, but I also didn't really expect to hear anyone make a blanket condemnation of my work. And because I'm always afraid I'm really a hack (and things seem to support that), I can't really expect praise for anything. So I wait. I'd post it here but I want to see what they say first. I will say that I think the concept is pretty cool. I found some photos by a guy that were stored on a CD, and data on CDs eventually gets corrupted. So he ended up with lots of corrupted images. They were openable, but altered. Yet altered in a really cool way. So I took one of those, put some filters on it, and made that the background.

Skipped dinner tonight because 1.) I have no food, 2.) I don't feel like making food, 3.) I don't feel like going to the grocery store, 4.) food serving places all shut down early here, 5.) it's not a tragedy if I skip a damn meal. But I'm hungry, that's for sure. Will go read to distract.

things I got

- cedar cat litter (smells really good)
- tuna cat treats (a hit)
- deli egg salad plate (truly disappointing)
- ambrosia fixins (white trashy! I think I might toast the coconut)

ow

This is what happens when you try to throw a Shirley off the couch as she's throwing up and hold her in one place, to keep her from throwing up ON the couch (or other stainable surface) again. And the laptop slams onto the floor in the process. FML. Seriously.

on "Breaking Bad"

I've heard people say that "Breaking Bad" may be the best show that's ever been on television and I believe that might be true. Even better than "Louie", which I think is groundbreaking and brilliant. I've been rewatching the back seasons of BB because there's so much to have forgotten now that it's season 5 (heading into 6), and the show is so rich with pertinent, overlapping, and crucial detail. So much detail. But I've found out, as I'm sure many other fans have, that it's disastrous to try to describe the show to anyone who hasn't seen it. "Oh, what's it about?" That's pretty much where the conversation ends. Because as soon as you say, "well, there's this high school chemistry teacher who gets diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer, and he starts cooking meth with a former student so that he can leave money for his family when he dies..." people have already tuned out. They already know they're not interested. And if you mention that it's pretty violent, they'll say, "oh, I don't like violent shows..." and they're out. First of all, most people don't LIKE violence. It's like being pro-choice - noone LIKES abortion, but it's sometimes a necessity. Violence is part of this (drug) world, so to portray this world accurately, there must be violence. I don't typically like violent things. I am very much a pacifist. I've never touched a gun, and I never want to. I can't understand why war is fetishized (by people who would never admit that it's a fetish for them), why violent video games are "fun", why movies that are wholly about car chases and guns are interesting, but...it's ALL ABOUT CONTEXT. This is why I try not to dismiss anything out of hand. Dismiss "Call Me Maybe" as pop junk and you've dismissed one of the catchiest tunes I've ever heard. Dismiss vegetarian food because you're a meat-eater and you might miss something delicious you wouldn't otherwise know about. Dismiss BB because it's violent or because the elevator pitch description doesn't sound good to you and you've dismissed a fucking GENIUS show. If someone I respect says to me, "I know this doesn't sound good, but trust me on this. It's brilliant", I WILL GIVE THAT THING A TRY. But once again, most people have little to no respect for me, so that's where it ends. But in this case, I know it's not just me. I've seen other people try to describe it to someone who hasn't seen it, and 100% of the time it's rejected, even if they've heard how good it is. It's an interesting phenomenon, no?

But the Emmys are tonight, and we'll see. I predict many wins for BB (and for Louie), which in this case, is how it should be.

WINS:

Supporting Actor, Drama: Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad

Writing, Comedy: Louis C.K., Louie

Writing, Variety, Music or Comedy Special: Louis C.K., Louis C.K. Live at the Beacon Theatre

I wonder what it is that makes extraordinary and beloved people treat me like shit? Because it's happened one too many times. I get that close, I hope, I do all I can for them (getting little back), and then I'm dismissed and disregarded. Why is that? One might say (as some have, to me) that it's because they're dicks. I disagree. They're extraordinary and beloved, and they figure out that I'm not valuable or high-profile enough to care about, or to care how they affect me, so whereas others get to see a different version of them, they allow me to see all the flaws...and then dismiss me. I get it. Everyone loves him. I get it. She loves him. It's only a matter of time before it's public. I get it. I'm not on the radar. I never am. How can I imagine myself mattering to anyone when everything indicates that I don't? I think my downfall is self-awareness. I'm aware of everything I am and am not. I'm aware that if I weren't around, noone would notice or care. I'm painfully aware that noone loves me. There's not much I enjoy because I have this knowledge. I was listening to this podcast today where (the guy) said something about how the people in this story were in love when this was recorded, but now they're not in love with each other, but they're in love with other people. And that's how it goes for normal people. You find someone, you lose someone, you find someone else. Only someone like me could go years without finding anyone realistically interested (instead just being tortured by possibilities). That says something about me. This is so painful.

Please stop. Please, just stop. Please. Every time I think it can't get worse, it gets worse. Please. A break. Just once. Do I really deserve this?

dreams and Apple-worship

Last night I dreamt that I was friends with Bill Clinton, and had invited him to some big event I was having. I was sitting at a table next to him, and at the table behind us was A's father. He turned around and said, "President Bill Clinton??" and I said, "yeah, Bill Clinton, meet..." Then I dreamt that my brother had disappeared and it had been several days and I was sobbing trying to explain that I was afraid they'd stop searching for him, and I was looking in closets and things. I was awakened from that dream by the phone, which is a good thing.

I asked my friend M (and then immediately realized she was probably the wrong person to ask since she's part of the cult) what the deal is with Apple products, especially the iPhone, and why people have to get the new version THE DAY IT COMES OUT! I mean, I love new gadgets. I love gadgets. I love Apple products. If I could, I'd buy a new Macbook TODAY (and a new phone, and a TV that doesn't suck, and a new TiVo, and a new printer...). But I actually NEED those things. And I have two iPods. I can't think of a reason why I'd need an iPad, but I'd love a new Macbook, for sure. But the cultish devotion to getting the new phone the second it comes out and making sure you always have the brand new one, and waiting in lines days in advance...is icky. It bothers me because it's a culture of (literal) consumerism that results in lots of discarded product hanging out on our planet, for no other reason but that people have to have the newest and the shiniest. She thinks it's a "fun cultural experience", so why wouldn't you want to participate, and I don't think she really got why I think it's a bad thing ultimately, but it just feels wasteful and empty and manipulative and desperate to me. But I guess I'm alone on that.

We went to a Universal screening for "Pitch Perfect", got ushered in like celebs, and I took this on the walk back

this day can be over now...but then again another one's on its heels...

Well, I've spent the day watching mtaf get heaped with compliments and admiration, and dammit, I facilitated it. So it had the effect that he wanted: he made a bunch of people feel great, and in turn they all think he's fucking AWESOME. People said they loved him, that he's the kindest and most talented person in North American a cappella (that said by someone he doesn't even LIKE), that they cried when they read what he wrote...it went on and on. And, not surprisingly, I wasn't on his list either. I'm just not fucking cool or influential enough. I am irrelevant, something I struggle with every day, because if I'm useless and irrelevant, WHY THE FUCK AM I HERE? It's hard to find a way to want to get up when you feel like you're literally just taking up space, and if you were gone, it would make not one bit of difference. To make things worse, people I think are horrible are "in love" and finding people who worship them and getting engaged, and everyone's fucking deliriously happy. Great. And on top of that, the financial disaster that is my life. No wonder I have a headache almost all of the time. I've been doing work for this woman in LA and she's seemed happy with what I've done. I jump when she asks me to do something because I just want her to continue to give me work. I'll work at any hours. I'm working now. But she gave me something to do that she thought would be very simple but it's not. And she wasn't happy with any iteration I sent her, and couldn't understand why I just wasn't coming up with what she wanted. I thought I was following her instructions but she wasn't happy with it. So she says she'll have someone else do it in the morning. I've failed. AGAIN. At this point, if I ever didn't fail at something, THAT would be a revelation. I think I see myself, unfortunately, fairly clearly, and I'm a hack and a failure, trying to eke out a living among extraordinary people who are all way better at me at, well, everything. I wonder why I'm even considering trying to still be a musician because if anyone wanted me there, they'd find me, they'd want to work with me, I'd be on someone's "cool list". But I'm like a mosquito - there but annoying. Or worse, invisible and useless.

micromanaging

When I got back in touch with Penn after a long time not being in touch, he said "oh I remember you" and then he told me how he kept copious notes about every day of his life so he can refer back to any given day. Smart. So he looked me up. And he told me - told me! - that he'd written something like, "she's cute but talking spirituality, so who even wants to try to fuck her?" That's a story in and of itself. But I thought of that comment today because mtaf got in touch yesterday, to tell me he'd written something for the CASA site and wondered if I would post it. Of course I will. It's beautifully written because THERE'S NOTHING HE DOESN'T DO WELL (except treat people well, apparently) and timely. It's also manipulative and meant to cast himself in a benevolent light, but that doesn't mean it's not good. And after a few months of not speaking, it's disconcerting. But he's micromanaging. Created his own feature graphic for the article, which noone does, and asking me if I'll be putting it in the body of the article itself. Dude, that's my job. And coincident with the article topic itself, it's a job I get little to no recognition for while others, like him, are basking in the glory of their work. But frankly I don't want or need him to tell me how I do my job. And, a variation on Penn's theme, if he's not going to fuck me, he can shut up with his micromanaging. Sorry if that offends you, gentle readers. I miss him (though not trying to negotiate time with him) and it doesn't hurt less and I still feel the same, but...what can I do? It's been interesting to hear bits and pieces from S, who is not a gossipy type at all, about how he (S) isn't happy with how the group is run, that major decisions are always being made without consulting group members. I guess I'm glad I don't have to deal with that kind of uber-controlling on a daily basis, but...so pretty.

today

I thought there was water trapped in my ear, as had happened once before, because something was going on there and it was driving me nuts. I made an appt last week but it wasn't until today. Turns out it wasn't water, but a piece of hair resting on my eardrum. And I'd forgotten this had happened once before. Somehow a piece of hair got in there and didn't come out. So he removed it whilst looking at the inside of my ear on a GIANT SCREEN, so I got to see it too. Wee. It just occurred to me that I should have taken a picture. I'd like to avoid that happening again because it's inconvenient to have to go in, though I like to see my doctor-pal and the allergy nurse. Then I found a super-cool Asian market and got a cheap-but-awesome birthday present for my cousin. Then picked up some things he asked for and went to their house for dinner (delicious, as usual, even the vegan cake). Then stopped by J's house on my way home to talk about me taking care of her daughter tomorrow. On the way home, a douchebag behind me decided to GO AROUND ME while I was waiting for someone to cross in a crosswalk and he apparently didn't want to wait. He even slowed down to give me The Patented Masshole Look as he passed me, narrowly missing running into the pedestrian I was stopped for.

I'd really like him to fuck himself.

old lady stuff

There are many indignities to getting older, all of them a pain in the ass, in varying degrees. Ok, so now I have to color my hair because there are some grays and I hate them and I don't want to see them, let alone have anyone else see them. And so far, most people still call me "miss" when I'm out and about, and dammit, I'd like to keep it that way. I think it would be exponentially harder (and it's already just about impossible) to date with gray hair. Women have to do things like get mammograms, which are not painful but definitely not pleasant. Oh and colonoscopies? That's something I am REALLY not looking forward to. But maybe the most unpleasant is eyesight. I'm very nearsighted, and that's not new. And my close up vision is fine, and that's not new. What is new is that I now have trouble seeing close up with my glasses on/contacts in. This is fine when I'm wearing glasses; I just take them off to read. But if I'm wearing contacts, especially if I'm trying to read in a semi-lit area, it's nearly impossible. Menus, for instance. Like last night I was at a sushi place with an extensive menu in small print, and it was dim. I couldn't see a fucking thing. And I refuse to wear reading glasses over my contacts. Usually it's light enough, and the menu type is big enough, that I can muddle though. But this one...no way. I had to take one lens out, scan the menu quickly, and put it back in before it dried out too much or got too dirty. What's the alternative? Having someone read me the whole menu? I don't know if there's any other alternatives than reading glasses over contacts, or just wearing my glasses all the time, neither of which do I want. Fuck being old.

empathy with a view

I took this with my phone from the drive-thru of my favorite Dunkin Donuts. Why favorite? BECAUSE THIS IS THE VIEW FROM THE DRIVE-THRU. Also, because everyone is always nice there.

I was saying to (my therapist) that a friend had suggested I do something that would be utterly humiliating (to me) and ultimately would almost surely result in me not getting (the thing I needed), such that the only outcome would be me humiliating myself, and she (therapist) said that it may be easy to suggest that someone do something like that in theory, but that if someone (like ME, say) has to put that into actual action, it's difficult and ill-advised. Why didn't I ever think of that? Sure, it's easy for (friend) to suggest it and be mad at me because I don't just take her advice, but if she herself had to actually do the thing she suggested...well, she probably wouldn't. I think often people can only empathize to a point. After that, it's too theoretical and murky. So I try to hone my empathy like a skill, because I think it is one, but it requires the proverbial putting yourself in someone else's shoes, which in turn requires some extra thought and soul-searching that people usually aren't willing to commit, or more accurately, don't think they need to. On the surface, my friend probably thinks it's a good idea because she assumes she'd put her own advice into action if she needed to. But if she explores the idea further, I doubt she actually would. There's a vast chasm between concept and reality.

agreed.

I'm a mutant

Found out two things in the past two days:

- red hair is actually a genetic mutation of a recessive gene. both parents must have the gene, but they do not have to be redheads themselves (like my parents)

- catnip is in the mint family, which explains why Rocco just went NUTS when I wiped my hands with a peppermint cloth just now

I have so many looming problems, but yesterday I managed to solve one of them, a small one. My vacuum cleaner, old but still working, had been falling apart, such that the wheels would fall off constantly, which in turn would mean the pin on which they hinged would come out, and the whole head part would break apart. I tried to fix it but it kept falling apart. And vacuuming had become an exercise in repetitive wheel (re)placement. So yesterday I took it to a vacuum place, where the guy just REPLACED THE WHOLE PART. For $20. Problem solved, and the fur will now be controlled once more.

I had tickets to see Rockapella last night. They're very successful but not my favorites, but I had comps from their management because I helped them find an opening act. I exhausted all the possibilities of people to go with me. Noone could go. I had pretty much decided just to not go. I even tried to give them away but the friends I asked...well, one wanted to go and one didn't. Then in the afternoon, S said his plans had fallen through and he could go. Ok, plans back on. And as it turned out, it's good I didn't give them to someone else because they were asking for IDs. The show was slick, professional, sold out, and...still not my thing. Their VP, who loves S and his band, mentioned them from the stage. I just adore that guy (S, not the Rockapella guy). He's smart, hilarious, attentive, energetic, adorable. I remember when I first was getting to know him and...his bandmate, that I just loved them both, even though they're so very different. And I love the contrast. He told me how he'd invented a superhero whose power is that he can make exact change for whatever denomination anyone gives him, spontaneously created, though he never had cash on him. And how he took Arabic for half a year in high school, but can only say things like "bear" and "lion". I gotta say, our banter is hilarious. And he's single, but much younger than me, wants kids, and...I just wouldn't presume.

yup

"Just owning [a cat] makes you a potential punchline and crying over one is viewed as more Cathy than cathartic. With dogs you have society's blessing. They're the stuff of best sellers and tearjerkers."
- Mary K. Moore

This was part of an article about mourning a cat. Mary lost a 16 year old cat and was devastated. I have a 14 year old who is (as far as I know) skinny but healthy. And I contemplate her being gone a lot since I've lost 2 other cats as an adult, and it's horrible. And she's the sweetest little thing. But I can't and don't talk about her much, because gushing about your cats IS considered "more Cathy than cathartic", especially - especially - if you're single.

[but I heart her]

[and Rocco]

sustaining the worldview

Just like the pretend "war on Christmas" junk that the right drags out every year now, there seems to be a lot of griping about how Obama/this admin/Democrats are all anti-god, that that's actually part of the platform. The Daily Show actually did a piece on this on last night's (repeat) show about the RNC, but I can't find it. This is yet another example of "don't bother me with the facts", as there is NO evidence to support this, and much to refute it. In fact, as someone who is not one of the faithful, I'm hyper-aware of mentions of god/religion in state or gov't events, and it comes up...approximately always. At the end of every speech, there's always a "god bless the USA..." kind of comment. It's there, always. And frankly, it's inappropriate, and it's pandering. It bothers me, but it's definitely there. And yet conservatives are somehow spinning it so that this party is "anti-god"?? Here's a newsflash: NOONE is anti-god, not even atheists. For atheists, that would be like being anti-tooth fairy. You can't be against someone that you don't believe exists to begin with. That would be silly. Anti-religion, maybe, but that's different, and there's absolutely no indication of that either. And if conservatives weren't so committed to falsifying things to suit their worldview, they'd HEAR that there are mentions of god in every gov't gathering/speech/convention.

I think so much of this is about comfort for these people: it was comfortable when we thought everyone was straight and we'd forced gay people into the closet such that we didn't hear from them much, and so it seemed like the world was comprised of happy, monogamous heterosexual couples (ha ha ha ha). It's comfortable to think that being gay is a "choice" and that with a little ex-gay therapy one can find their true self again and live the heterosexual life. It was so much more comfortable when we could think that this country was comprised wholly of faithful Christians (who never questioned), with a few fringey others thrown in that we'll tolerate if we have to. And people who go to church, well of COURSE they're the good ones. That's how we recognize each other. If you go to church, you're good. If you don't, you're suspect. And definitely none of these amoral, evil ATHEISTS! EEK! After all, if (your deity) tells you that you need him/her scowling over you in order to make the correct moral decisions, then the FACT that atheists are far less violent than religious people (and are good simply because it's the right thing to do) will need to be ignored. It's comfortable to believe that everyone who is on public assistance is on it because they're simply lazy, cranking out kids out of wedlock, and buying luxury items with their food stamps. That makes hate justified. Instead, if the people who need these services are people you KNOW AND RESPECT, all that goes down the drain. Worldview cracked. The only way to maintain said worldview is to adopt the "don't bother me with the facts" stance, and hence...

noone knows how to debate anymore

I've been watching the comments on an article about the RNC from a local Patch site. I'm not much for "both sides are horrible!" declarations because I think it denigrates real debate by equalizing everything, and it's also lazy. Rarely are both sides equally anything. But in this case, it has devolved into ridiculous sniping by both sides, and one of the latest responses (from a Dem):

"Here is the second link, my god no wonder why you people are SOOOOO gullible, you don't read the links. Here is what they say. In fact, a majority of self-identified conservatives reported that during sex they reach orgasm just about every single time. That's way higher than the Democrat's national job approval. They interviewed people on Match.com. Do you know what the reality of this "survey" says? Ummm, listen closely, it says that conservatives LIE more than democrats. Yea, conservatives lying about their own sexuality, who would have thought a conservative would lie huh? Do you know HOW I know liberals are not only better at sex, but have better sex and know more about each others anatomy? because we don't suppress our sexuality. Yep, truth hurts doesn't it. I can make a woman cum with my fingers, penis or tongue. I can give her a clitoral or an internal orgasm. I can make a girl squirt, and make them convulse like you would read about. Why am i able to do this? not because I have a huge dick, it is actually pretty average, probably on the smaller side of average in the grand scheme of things. The reason is because I listen, and learn. Your path to a woman's orgasm isn't through her clitoris, or her g-spot, but instead through her mind. You need to make her feel relaxed, loved and cherished, but once you do, they are like putty in your hands. I don't expect you to get this, because you are conservative, you lack the knowledge to." 

Holy shit, dude, noone wants to hear about you making anyone squirt, or your dick. EW. Can y'all go back to fighting about the candidates?

design break

For the past two and a half days I've been working on this site redesign, which is actually two sites. Because my portfolio site is connected to my music/harmony site, so unless I want to pay two companies for hosting, both have to get moved and redesigned. Both need a redesign anyways. So I've been working on them for like 14+ hours a day (no kidding) and they're just about done. All that is left to do is cancel my old hosting and move the domain to the new site/s. They look pretty nice, I think, but because I've been staring at them for so many hours, I'm already tired of them. And it takes so long because they must look nice and because one's a portfolio site with lots of images (hence gallery creation), and the other is a music site with lots of sound clips. Plus, all the background photography is mine, so I had to find appropriate photos, filter them, etc. And will either of them get me more work? Doubtful. And re-reading all about me certainly has brought me to new levels of self-loathing I didn't know existed. It just feels like FAILURE FAILURE FAILURE is being screamed at me. But one thing I tried to do is really edit the prose, take out extraneous or repetitive crap, and make it as verbally streamlined as possible.

In the meantime, I did get the work done for the LA woman that she needed, and I cut Rocco's problem nails. His "thumb" nails (shut up, I don't know what they're called!) grow in complete circles instead of in...hook shape, like a CLAW. So they eventually can circle back into his little paw pads, which must hurt. But he does not like me cutting them. He Zocco-izes. If I take him to the vet to have it done, it takes like two seconds and they say he's perfectly calm (because he's scared there), but then I have to pay for it. So I tried it myself tonight and lo and behold he let me do it! Yay.

I was up last night till around 4, tossing and turning (literally) and worrying. At 3 or so I heard the helicopters circling around the water. They're looking for this young guy who went out in a kayak yesterday and never returned, though his kayak floated back (or something - local reporting is so shoddy). I keep thinking about him out there. I love those "I shouldn't be alive!" kind of shows, but I don't often think that right across the street is one of those natural environments in which people fight for their lives, and sometimes lose them.

talking for Lucy

Generally I can't stand it when people speak "in the voice of" animals or babies (and I like shirts that talk for kids even less, like "my daddy is #1!"), but when my pal Jeff at the Barking Cat talks for Lucy the cat (who doesn't live there but shows up every day and hangs out) on Facebook, it cracks my shit up. Check him out: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Barking-Cat-Pet-Emporium/111957792218617

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I've been putting off redesigning my portfolio site for a long time, mostly because I know what a huge, involved job it is. So now I'm doing it and it's a huge, involved job. I think it will look nice when it's done, but...sheesh. It's most of what I've done last night and all of today so far and I'm probably...60% done. Maybe.

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Last night's dreams involved my sister having a baby that was delivered at home by her husband and me, and finding out that Rocco had died while I was out of town. Somehow, I forced myself in the dream to realize it was a dream. 

in the alley

Aside from my general resentment of my age (and what I haven't accomplished), I'm sad that I was a kid/young adult pre-internet. I just know I would have been as into it then as I am now. I think it would have connected me and made me feel vastly less alone in high school. And jeez, just trying to find an apartment in Boston from Ohio via phone was a nightmare. Even moreso when we arrived in the Back Bay to find that the apartment that had been promised us was "not available", and our sleazy-ass real estate agent put us in a studio in a very swanky building for a month...facing the alley, and fed by scorching restaurant exhaust during a summer that we referred to as "baked alive in a nuclear wasteland". Oh and FYI, there's nowhere to park or even stop by this building, so the first thing that happened upon arrival in our new state was that I got a ticket from a relentless meter person. Welcome!

Then again, it would have meant more of the ubiquitous social media info glut that is currently breaking my heart.

home sweet alley

halp

Oh hi. I'm just lounging in the ocean air, and I appear to have misplaced my head. Can you help me find it?

'shoppin'

I've been doing some Photoshopping work for a woman in LA who has some sort of marketing company. Whatever she gives me, whenever she gives it to me, I do it. I don't care what the hours are. I need the work and I'm ok working anytime. She's very nice but she's very accelerated in that she doesn't give very detailed directions. She gives the minimum, explained in rapid fire mode, and expects I'll figure it out. And somehow thus far I've been able to, and she seems happy with what I've done. It's not nearly enough to get me out of the hole I'm in, but I'll keep doing it as long as she keeps giving me work. For example, she just sent me something that I don't yet know what to do with. I assume it will become clear sometime soon. But man, I've been looking at some truly gawdawful jewelry (and some purses and shoes) lately. This stuff is atrocious. I don't think I've yet come across one thing that I've actually liked. It's stuff like this, which come to think of it, would go with that little girl's outfit from a few entries ago...

Oh, and my leg still hurts and itches. 

owww

 
I call this "cause and effect". Today was allergy shot day and I can't remember a shot hurting or itching more than this one did and does. I did it probably...well, at least an hour ago and it is still hurting like HELL. I'm at concern level...3 out of 10. I've been doing this for over two years and I can't remember it ever feeling like this. Wondering if I should run out and get some benadryl. This is super uncomfortable. This is one of those situations where I feel very alone. If things get worse and it becomes a potentially anaphylactic situation, what would I do? I have the epi pen but...and now that Raymond's gone as are the wacky neighbors, I really have no close connection here.

Ok, I think I'll go get some benadryl...

UPDATE: I perhaps should not have told my doctor-pal about this, because he wants me to go back to every week shots based on this reaction. One thing I've learned about immunotherapy is that it's not a straight line...

PINK PINK PINK PURPLE PINK

If I had a child, I'd have a hard time if they wanted to wear monstrosities like this (note purple thermos, pink backpack and pink...suitcase?). I don't understand why so many people dress their kids like clowns, but I also know that sometimes girls just want everything PINK PINK PINK PURPLE PINK. Then again, that must be influenced somewhat by the parents. But all the back to school photos sure are a parade of clown-ishly dressed kids...Maybe I should download a bunch of them and start a tumblr...hmmm....

laboring

Well, I'm moving back in time in my dreams. From college to high school (last night), where the school is a complex of multiple buildings I don't know my way around, and I'm the current me (as usual). One of my (art) teachers is Judge Judy. The halls are very dark. I see mtaf there and want to talk to him. At this point, he's just annoyed with me. He says, "What do you WANT??"

As more time goes by without speaking to him, I'm more upset, not less. And it's reflected in my dreams.

Gotta go get ready for a Labor Day Thing at the cousin's. I've already done a lot already today, amazingly:

- made strawberry pina colada pie for today
- downloaded sound files for friend's site
- downloaded images for Pshop work (will call client in the car)
- sent resumes for CASA jobs
- put some new dates/assignments in CASA calendars
- updated harmony site with new workshops/events (next up is to completely redesign this and my portfolio site)

booking queries

I've been thinking/talking about two things that I don't understand and/or are upsetting:

That these people I know who are in currently/recently successful groups, most or all of them young, don't have to do any active booking, or have to do very little. Somehow they're using the community and other groups (and the momentum that all of us have created over the past 20 years) to book festivals and international gigs. BIG things. They've never known what it's like to call a venue for TWO YEARS (being told to call back every few months, and each time being met with an annoyed "and WHO are you??") such that once you finally get the gig, if you do, all the fun of it has already been leeched out. The effort to get there was so monumental that you just slog through it. I suspect that other people in my groups have had more fun at gigs because they didn't have to go through that process, and don't know how much humiliation is involved. Yes, it makes me mad that they didn't have to do that ground work. It makes me jealous that I did, and that I've never gotten to reap the big rewards for all that work. I'm also glad they don't have to endure that humiliation, because noone should have to. Noone should have to beg for a job they've worked so hard just to get to. The business is SO hard; nasty-ass booking agents with a chip on their shoulder/s make it so much harder.

Thing 2 I don't get is that these people who are in multiple groups...how they schedule anything. I mean, they're all jetting around the world doing international gigs with more than one group, and somehow seem to make it work. And who is doing the booking if they aren't?? When I've done (domestic) scheduling for my own groups, conflicts are a HUGE problem. I was constantly stonewalled by my own group members, who didn't want to do this, or didn't want to do a gig instead of a bbq they had previously planned or something. Imagine having your own group members nix a gig that you've spent - literally - years trying to get. And the venue gives you one date and one date only. You take it or leave it. Leaving it was incredibly painful because only I knew how much work had gone into getting it. Maybe my gigs didn't pay enough to make them change their plans? Or maybe I was always dealing with people whose commitment level was...less than ideal?

I want to be able to take advantage of these new opportunities, because I helped to lay the groundwork for them, and I've done the years of shitty gigs. But I'm plagued by fears that I'm just too damn old to be viable, and that noone will want to work with me.