HAVE TO CHECK WITH HUBBY!

I'm an admin for a local FB page for buying and selling household goods. It's run by a group of women who are...unlike me. They're all moms and wives, Marblehead moms and wives (so, privileged). And the group is populated by same - women who just "have to check with hubby!" before buying something (there are men too). Always checking with the hubby, and they always use that word. Adorable, right? I imagine it in rainbow colors, like

HAVE TO CHECK WITH HUBBY!

...with, like, hearts and flowers around it. All I know is that makes me very sad and I'm sure, very pathetic in their eyes. No money, no "hubby", no kids, no Mhead house. Tonight I had to pass on a TV because I'm trying to sell my iPhone first, and though others in the group can toss around cash for things they don't really need ("I bought this for $250 and just don't feel like returning it, so I'm selling it here"), I can't. Sometimes it's just a background buzz, and sometimes it's a roar - the glacially slow laptop, the old tube TV, the bills. Tonight it's a roar.

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One of the WACA board members is married to another woman (not on the board) who is an amazing percussionist and an incredibly charismatic person. She goes around the country coaching vocal groups. She also grew up Mormon, and went to Brigham Young, where she was in the women's aca group there, and they were on season 1 (I think) of The Sing-Off. I think it was after that that she was kicked out of the group for revealing she was a lesbian, and she also left (or was kicked out? being gay is against their policy) the school. And I love her wife, my fellow board member, a beautiful young woman, smart and sweet. I had a drive (that was insanely long because we couldn't find the place we were looking for) with her and one other person where she was telling the two of us how her wife's parents were at this event, and that for the first few years they were together, they would not acknowledge her existence at all, so this was a big deal. Only very recently had she been invited to their house for holidays. And she told us that Mormons don't believe being gay is a choice, but that it IS a sin, and should be never acted upon. And because C's parents eventually acknowledged her wife and even invited her into their home, they caused a stir in their community. People used to just following blindly, raised in this hatefulness stew under the guise of "godliness". They lost friends. They still think it's a sin, but they also must know they have an amazing (gay) daughter who has an amazing (gay) wife that she's committed to. And they are so sweet together. You should see them. Wrong side of history, Mormons. Wrong side of history. It would have been a huge loss to them, the parents, if they'd shut out their incredible daughter (who I refer to as "human antidepressant" because she has that effect), and I'm glad they realized that. But I still think they're dicks. Sorry. I feel protective of my friends, even from their own parents. Noone should deal with this shit.

 (the blonde percussionist. when on the show, they made sure to dress the girls conservatively, as their school/religion dictated)

Extractions: it ain't so bad!

My extraction was so simple, shockingly simple. I did have a friend go with me, and it was very nice of her to do so, but the longest part of the procedure was waiting for the anesthesia to kick in (about 5 mins). The actual extraction took seconds and was pain free. My response: "That's it? Holy crap, you guys are good!" The oral surgeon wasn't particularly warm and fuzzy but man he was good. Then again, I'm told top molars are pretty easy to get out. I declined the hard core painkillers and only took the prescription ibuprofen. It's really all I needed. I had my teeth cleaned today and that cleaning hurt more than the extraction. Then again, she was brutal. Ow.

So that's a relief. And dammit, I got through it without passing out, and without sedation. That's a triumph noone else will understand but it's a big one. To be able to walk away from a procedure like that, that I was terrified of, without having passed out or seized in the chair...it's huge. I hate this fear and I want to conquer it.

Meanwhile my father was in the hospital for 3 days. Apparently he'd been sick for days before that but the reports I'm getting are muddled. That's how it goes. I'm never sure who I'm getting the truth from. They eventually decided it was food poisoning from eating oysters and squid, which is risky in OH. But it hard to get info because our stepmother's phone died and...the story goes on and on. So glad that's all it was (if that's all it was - again, we're never quite sure). I talked to him before he was released and he sounded fine.

Feeling anxious about so many things - money, career or lack thereof, the usual. It's a knot I can't untie. I was passed over for judging at a big event yesterday and was stewing about that. This year, the year the show is also a reality show (not to mention Pitch Perfect 2), I am sort of demoted to lower level events? I can't think too much about what that means. It's hard to square since when they refer to me it's always as one of the veteran judges, how much I'm appreciated, etc. Then I got a panicked call yesterday asking me to judge as one judge wasn't responding. Yes, I'll be there. I'm getting dressed and get another apologetic call. The judge has appeared and it's...the guy who headed my team at CASA, who was maddening to work with, and completely unreliable. Shocker that he was unreliable. And somehow wasted my time, again. I declined my comps and didn't go to the show though apparently the PP producer and Hunger Games actress was supposed to be there.

And...

• My awful Secret-loving cousin who keeps insinuating herself deeper into our sibling unit. She recently posted some quote about how women have a choice to become bitter and terrible or be light filled and joyous, as if there's such a thing as a wholly bitter or wholly joyous person. That kind of dumbassery... I can't deal. I like things to have more shades, thanks. 
• How terrible I look (and knowing it keeps me invisible). So much so that people say to me, "I didn't recognize you", and I know what it means. It means "you've disintegrated and look terrible and I didn't recognize you because you used to be attractive". That also, I can't quite face it, and yet can't ignore it. 
• Having no future, and being surrounded by people who do
• Doing another small design thing where all I am is facilitator, where I'm asked to change this and this and this and this until all design is leeched out of it. It's what Raymond did to me too down to the featureless fonts he insisted on, and then he decided we could never work together again. I am not precious about design (truly) but I also don't want to be your Photoshop robot. Awful esp since...
• ...I no longer really do anything I'm passionate about. I have no music. I just facilitate other people making music. And I have no career.
• All the new scratches on my car from getting feet and feet of snow off of it over and over again. Despite how careful I tried to be, it's hard to get several feet of snow off your car without scratching it. 
• The "spring" where it's still below freezing every day. I heard someone say today, "we're having a great winter this spring!" and I laughed out loud. It's absurd. You want water in a liquid form in your car? Don't leave it in there overnight, because this is the tundra. The howling winds, cold feet, the ridiculous heating bills.

We're going to have a massive trash and dog poop issue when all this snow melts (sometime around June, I swear). It's gonna be a gross spring, if there ever is one. At this point, it doesn't even feel possible.

I'm taking my very cold feet to bed. 

few things

Tomorrow's my extraction. 10am. I know, because I know how vasovagal works, that it'll be a fight with myself to get into that room. I've also been assured by my father and others that it really isn't that bad, but when it comes down to it, a tooth is still being removed from your head and I can't imagine that being a gentle process. And it makes me sad. I don't want to lose a tooth.

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SheSings went very well, though more than any other festival, this was exhausting. And though I assumed it was just me who was exhausted because I'm the oldest, it seems everyone felt the same. Hurting feet and backs, and just bone tired. And yet, we heard that the team was stealthily efficient, there when people needed (us), making everything work. And we did have glitches, but none that were particularly terrible, and all that are being cataloged in a a spreadsheet of things to improve for next year. As per usual, I was overwhelmed with a feeling like I was doing everything wrong, not being effective enough, too old. I stayed about half an hour away at my stepmother's brother and his wife's place (and also got to see one daughter + her boyfriend, and another cousin). Their house is beautiful and in a beautiful location, but as I was warned, it's in a constant state of construction and it's a mess. I guess when I was a kid, I assumed that most adults had nice, clean houses. And that people who were confirmed slobs were outliers. Now I'm not so sure since I know several adults who are comfortable in very very messy and/or outright dirty homes. I cannot imagine having someone over and saying, "here's my mess - enjoy!" because not only is it gross, but it also is kinda...inconsiderate to your guests. Were it me, I'd be mortified, but not everyone is. In this case, though I'd been told a room was ready for me, no room was ready (though there were several options) and they had trouble finding clean sheets (I'm not sure the sheets I ended up with were clean - let's not think about it too much) and towels, the bathrooms were disgusting, etc. I don't mean disgusting-to-a-clean-freak kinda disgusting because I'm definitely not, but just disgusting. Then again, not the worst I've seen. If I had that amazing house, I'd want it to be done and clean. But they're comfortable with it a perpetual mess, as it's been under construction for years and years. They're great people, albeit wacky and it's always fun to see them, though I didn't see them all that much.

Anyways, people seemed really moved by the festival, lots said they loved the vibe, the team is great, and we continue to establish the org. We had men and women of all ages, even some (amazing) kids. I even did some recording in this one, for our collaborative track.

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I've met several wackadoodle middle aged women, the kind who laugh and talk too loud, who just read as "off", who are usually artistic in some way but are also super annoying. I'm finding I have zero interest in them. Met another yesterday and just am over it. I don't think I've yet met the male equivalent, though there must be such a thing. They suck up the air in the room. Bleah.

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