it's so delightful to be pitied!

 

Friends with kids: Please don't do this. I mean, pat yourselves on the back in public about how supercrazyawesome your spawn are if you must, but please, PLEASE don't say things like "I pity those without kids". It's small, it's nasty, it says to me, "I don't think about anything beyond my own kids and their sphere. I can't imagine anyone living a life unlike my own." 

The thing is, had I said anything in response to this thread (and my friend is the one with the bw pic), I probably would have gotten one of two responses: "I was just kidding", or "what the fuck is YOUR problem? we're just talking about how great our kids are!" It would never be introspection or reassessment, because parents are constantly told by the world that they've done the MOST AMAZING THING A HUMAN BEING CAN DO, and that anyone who hasn't done (that thing) is sort of sub-human. Not worth their empathy or time. 

So maybe, have your self-congratulatory bro-fest privately? Because this seriously bummed me out.

the angry...inch

Whew, I think they're gone. I actually started to go to the mall area/Trader Joe's but the traffic was so insane that I abandoned that plan. When I first moved here, it was not bumper to bumper traffic everywhere in this area. Now it is. In fact, it's why Raymond moved away. Still beautiful here, but very congested.

I watched the Tony Awards, and this year, a friend of mine actually won a Tony (he's one of the producers of Hedwig and the Angry Inch, which I would looove to see. I know all the music), and there he was, standing up there with cast and producers when Hedwig won for best musical revival. The whole ceremony brought up so much shit for me, and especially seeing him there. Not that he doesn't deserve it. But I've been thinking about how nice it must be to part of something/somethings that you not only know are good, but that have the momentum behind them to make them a success no matter what. This was one of those things. NPH in the lead role, a revival of this show at just the right time (whereas when it was first done, few noticed), massive publicity push. It was almost a given that it'd win big. They'd have had to really fuck it up not to. Or the show would have to be bad (which it's not - the music is incredible, the story is so vibrant and out there). So while those involved can be surprised, or feign surprise, at their good fortune, they were in fact on the Success Train. And that must be a beautiful place to be. Because you've put in the work, and there's an element of risk there: you might not win...but you probably will. And you can tell yourself that you won't, or your chances are less than they actually are, so you can sip from the sweet nectar of a "surprise" win. Man, I'd love to be there. To experience that once. Because winning begets winning, like money begets money. Once you're a desired commodity, more prizes come to you. Your schedule fills up, people want your time.

Like Audra McDonald, Broadway's golden girl. Everyone LOVES her. Her voice drives me nuts. It's like...too much somehow. Like being force-fed a gallon of cream cheese frosting. It's good, but I really don't like it. She over-emotes. And everyone eats it up. Like Beyonce, noone will say a negative thing about her. And because I'm friends with her concert drummer, I'm told she's a very nice person. Whatever, I'm still not on the Audra worship train. But I'd love to feel what it's like to be Audra. I imagined her going home that night, another Tony at her side, with her husband and daughter, and now she's the winningest person in Tony history. Patting herself on the back for another job well done, and/or feeling grateful and humbled.

All the rejection in theater that started for me at age 12...it all was laid out for me in this particular Tony ceremony for some reason. Tearful acceptance speeches about how if you just work hard enough...NO. It's not true. It's true for some, and it's true for those that endear themselves to a lot of people. I love NPH, and I'm glad for my friend (and I'd love to see the show), but having to just watch everyone else's successes from the sidelines is eating me.

the noise the noise the noise

The noise, the noise. One of the tradeoffs of the weather being nicer is the constant noise from lawn and tree primping. Today, across the street, they're cutting down trees with industrial equipment, lifts, and shredding it in a wood chipper. It's deafening. I think I may have to go somewhere else until this noise is done. It's insanely loud and has been going on all day.

Will finish this later...

bless my thetan

Something I find simultaneously amusing and annoying is when someone of one religion mocks (whether playfully or seriously) someone from another, because of what they see as that other religion's wackiness. Eg, when Christians make fun of Scientologists for their seemingly crazy beliefs. But here's the deal: just because your religion is older does not mean that your religion is not JUST AS NUTTY. It is. That whole Easter/resurrection story? The story of Noah and the ark, which many people take literally? Eve being crafted from Adan's rib? And - holy hell - keeping kosher?? All of those stories/concepts are silly, fanciful, and fictional. Older, more accepted by some, but just as nuts as Scientologists believing that there are aliens, or whatever they believe. Or the Amish believing that photos will "steal your soul". It is truly the pot calling the kettle black. More entrenched does not = more believable.

My hope is that someday we'll all be able to take comfort and community in things other than the supernatural, and other than the fictional. That worship, of any kind, isn't helpful. There are better ways to focus and reflect. And we're getting there. Slowly, but surely. It took generations to build religions in order to keep people subdued and obedient. It will take the same before we realize we don't need 'em (and often, that they're causing incredible harm) and that life is beautiful, random and incredible (and horrible) as is. Imagine how much good would be done when people no longer have to spend time justifying all the inconsistencies and hypocrisies therein?

I am saddened that adults - actual adults - believe in things like heaven and hell, and Satan. Satan?? Like there's some evil guy out there making bad things happen, or tempting us to do things like have the sex (eee!). That's how scared we are of the concept that it's really just random and sometimes life is brutal, and scary. We need to compartmentalize that chaos. Or we can just live in it. Because we have science now, and understanding of many of the things that used to seem mystical and scary and for which we had no explanation (so we invented one).

There are also no ghosts, no Bigfoot, no psychic mediums who aren't frauds, no Loch Ness Monster, and people do not die in 3s. Walking under ladders and black cats crossing your path and breaking mirrors will not bring you bad luck.

Wacky is wacky. When you make fun of another religion for being wacky, look within your own. When you're living in a big 'ol glass house, better put down those stones.

paronychia Friday

I spent several hours last night in the ER. For the stupidest thing. I have this recurring finger pain that comes and goes. So it came back yesterday and I called the nurse hotline my insurance has. She went through some things and suggested I be seen within the next 3 hours. So off I went. I waited for 3 hours before being taken in. In fact, I was just about to leave when they called my name. All around me people were dealing with actual problems, and I felt ridiculous. The doctor looked at it and immediately knew what it was: paronychia. An infection where the nail meets the skin. It didn't look like anything (but swollen) but it's very painful. And you could see the skin pressing up against the nail in its swollen-ness. So he numbed my finger and drained it. Ew. And now I have to soak and bandage it for the next few days. At least it was an actual thing, not something I made up.

So that's what I did last night.

My sister's having a weekend in Vegas with the girls.

I watched some dude throw up...repeatedly.

waiting for anesthetic to kick in

Am I?

A friend of mine posted this the other day. It's titled

You are Significant With or Without a Significant Other

(Note that this friend is not single)

I like the sentiment, I do. And I love that she says that some of the worst people she knows are married, so it's not an even/logical divide such that those of us who haven't found someone simply are too broken or distasteful to do so (as people tell us all the time). And I appreciate her writing it, even recognizing her single friends, and I want it to be true, but it really really doesn't (feel that way).

The one part I really wish my coupled/cocooned friends and family (which is most of them - another reason it's hard not to make the assumption you've done something wrong) would read and understand is this:

--------------------

A thought for my married friends:

Don’t miss out on friendships with amazing people because they’re single and their rhythm of life is different than yours. My single friends add so much to my life. My life would be so much less rich and fun and challenging if I was only around married people. Lame.

And don’t assume that because someone’s single, they don’t want to hang out with married people, or people with kids. Our Cooking Club is a mix of married and single. Our small group is a mix of married and single. Some of the sweetest connections my kids have aren’t with my mom friends but with our single friends, and some of the most necessary and loving conversations I’ve had in recent months have been with single friends.

We all lose when we spend too much time with people right in the very same demographic. Life gets too small.

--------------------

As my existence gets smaller and I lose energy to make ALL the plans, to always be the one to reach out (because hell, when you have a 24/7 partner, no need to reach out to anyone else, and couples are all around you - just hang with them!), my heart breaks more and more. This isn't how it's supposed to be, and yet I'm supposed to keep quiet. When you say things like the above to your married friends, instead of a thoughtful response, what you get is, "IT'S NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU! I HAVE A FAMILY!" (this is always meant to show you that you don't have what they have) thus isolating us even more. Now our feelings aren't valid, or worse, are "selfish".

My heart breaks that my cousin and his wife and their baby - my only relatives in this area - have disappeared since said baby. I've reached out but nothing's come of it, and I'm sure they're spending all their time with other people with kids. I no longer exist or matter (and yes I really DO understand how a baby throws everything into upheaval). 

I don't expect to jeopardize all of any one precious coupled person's time, but if they're my friends, or family and they know I'm single...maybe a little? I'd like to not spend every weekend alone. But I can no longer ask. It's too hard. And being accused of being selfish seals the deal. I gotcha.

Maybe I am just distasteful. I live right on the beach, but even in the summer I have to beg people to visit. The same people who will drive hours to go another destination can't hack a shorter drive here. Yep, again, I get it. So you see how it's hard to believe that I am "significant". I can pretty confidently say that both Tara and Marisa had a good time with me when I visited. I'm not a 24/7 downer, though it might sound like it here. In fact, I can barely talk about the hard stuff anymore, because I assume noone cares. So they get a better version of me, and yet it's STILL not good enough for most.

I don't have the answer. I never use the word "lonely" because it sounds particularly pathetic, but I am.

unpopular opinions

I don't tend to post a lot of "controversial" things on Facebook, not because I'm "afraid of conflict" but because I'm not interested in arguing online with people I may or may not know well. I recently posted something I thought was interesting - not controversial - about how men should/could respond to the greater culture of rape, where women who are rejected are then killed by men who think that's a reasonable response to said rejection. Of course, the men who does those things are seriously screwed up (technical term!), but we do foment a culture of aggression in subtle ways, and there are also subtle and beautiful ways to counteract them, which is what this article was about.

And with that, Penn unfriended me. I noticed because he started to write a comment, which he must have then decided not to post, and to just unfriend me instead. He unfriends wildly. So I emailed him and asked what the deal was. He said he thought the article "didn't blame the perps" (wrong) and that made him sad. I said I didn't think that's what the takeaway was, nor did it say that. He said we were still friends, just not on FB, and that he was unfriending people daily (and he doesn't have thousands of friends because he only friends people he actually knows). A few days pass and I sent another email yesterday asking again if we could be friends again, and he sent me a request. Ahhh, FB friends again!

So he has a one-strike-you're-out policy, apparently, and this was considered a strike. Though really, why? And for someone who prides himself on knowing people of all beliefs and stripes (and has said several times how much he likes Glenn Beck), he seems unusually intolerant of those (beliefs) on FB. That's his preference, that's anyone's preference, but it just rubs me the wrong way, especially given my posts. But I know to hide from him anything that seems potentially contentious.

Hell, what would happen if I posted something REALLY controversial, like how I really cannot stand Audra McDonald or her voice, she the queen of Broadway that everyone falls over themselves for?? What then?? 

Now to drum up some business...

late night birdsong

As I mentioned in my last entry, my job has been in jeopardy. After over two weeks, and a trip to OR and back, more phone calls and emails, I finally got word that because they're "running on fumes" financially, the plan is that I take the summer off, and they can start paying me again in the fall. Now, of course this doesn't work for me financially, so I'm pretty panicked, but it also means that all my work just...stops? Or someone else takes over? I'm unclear. Right now I'm making a list of all the things I do (just a list, not a how-to), and it's extensive. Noone's asked me all that I do, or how I do it, and noone else has ever done this job, so there's no employee manual. I think this idea is ill-advised and short sighted, so I'll mention that in the letter I'm crafting.

In the meantime, I met with my ex Jim yesterday about doing some work for him, and it looks like that might work out, but certainly won't replace the income I'm losing, at least not at first, maybe not ever. So still - not sure what I'm going to do. I got them to agree to pay me for June (which means they're actually paying for work done in May, which really...why do I have to ASK for this??) but so far nothing's shown up in my account.

I'm tired of thinking of this. All my work...stopped? I have multiple things in process.

I was listening to the latest RISK! podcast and a comedian was telling a story about how he found out he can't afford health insurance under the ACA, and had to get some kind of assistance, so he was at this office applying for (whatever it was he was getting) and realizing that while many of his friends were getting Comedy Central specials, he was waiting for financial assistance. That's how I feel. So many people who are so successful (getting TV shows, or working on TV shows or finishing movies)...and then there's me. I'm embarrassed. I'm jealous. I'd like just a tiny slice of the pie. A sliver?

I know that the people who are getting asked to go to the many aca-events springing up (the ones that pay, mostly) are young and cutesy and full of cutesy energy (and maybe not so much with the expertise). And so I'm being punished once more for being who I am. Doesn't matter how many years I've put in, or the experience I do have - age and shyness and lack of cutesiness assure that I'm not someone they're interested in.

I've been sleeping horribly, and yet only wanting to sleep. Last night was up until, well, past 4. That's when I last saw the clock. The birds were chirping. That's around when they start. And it's dark, and silent, but birds are chirping. It's eerie and sad.

If you need me, I'll be hugging my log pillow.

it looks like I have no upper lip