Date #3 was a last minute one this week. He came up here and we went to dinner, then I showed him around town, then we had a fashion show (don't ask), then he went home. There was kissing.
Yesterday, I got an email from him saying that he assumes that I'm only looking for a serious relationship, even though my profile also says (I'm up for) casual encounters. He's assuming this because we're 3 dates in and haven't had sex, and I haven't initiated. So he said that he's not feeling that he wants to jump into something serious, but hopes we can stay in touch because he really likes me.
So I replied to say that I wanted to clarify - since he was being so upfront and seems to like things DEFINED - that the reason I haven't initiated sex is because I just am not feeling that attraction now, and as I said before, attraction is a slow burn for me and not something I can force and make happen when I want it to (and I want to). And that if I were feeling it, I would have initiated or made it clear that I wanted it, but it's not because I'm holding out until I know that we're going to be in a Serious Relationship before getting physical. I haven't heard back from him. He's a really nice guy and I have to respect the fact that he wants things very defined, and wants to know NOW where things stand. But, in actuality, my priorities are 1.) sex first, then 2.) relationship. I want both, and I wish I had both right now (seriously - RIGHT NOW!), but I'd take hot sex without the relationship if I can't have both right now. It's just that...I can't make myself feel it with him. And if he wants definition now, then that's where we're at.
On the one hand, it's a bit annoying that he'd expect since we've seen each other 3 times, that sex should already be a forgone conclusion. As pro-sex and pro-pre-martial sex as I am, and as vocal as I am about my desire therein, I still think there are times when it's nice to spend a little more time getting to know each other. Because that kind of extreme familiarity, unless you're just in it for an anonymous or semi-anonymous fuck (and I'm sure being drunk or high makes this easier), is nicer with a little depth to your interactions, at least for me. This is different from a Serious Relationship. This means we know each other a little better than having seen each other 3 times affords. Because when I was kissing him, I was thinking, "This is weird. I don't know this dude." If the chemistry were working for me, I imagine I wouldn't have thought that. Also: mushy kisser.
In the meantime, I've been texting with an old friend, who veered into the sexual (as he always does) and told me he's going to call me for phone sex tonight (though it's already 11:17). I'm fairly sure that won't actually happen, and that's fine w/me. I really want ACTUAL contact, and I did sleep with this guy, years ago, and it wasn't good...for me. Apparently it was for him.
But what the hell? All I have are these odd flirtations, nothing concrete, and nothing I want. It's nice to hear him tell me he loves me (as he always does, and I do love him) but...I can't remember the last time I saw him. Everything's out of my grasp.
And as I watch people write shockingly personal and downright inappropriate things on Facebook, I become even more reticent to write here, though this site isn't connected with my name. I just wonder if it's too confessional. Too weird. Too "who the hell cares?". Would it be more interesting if I included the dick pix? 'Cause don't tempt me! I wish I had enough explicit content, and then I could just make this a sex blog - those are popular!
31 July 2009
24 July 2009
chemistry
Here are a few things. Maybe I can tie them together, maybe not.
I was talking to a friend/colleague the other day. She's about 27, very sassy and outgoing, pretty and thin, and a psychologist. Married very young, seems like a very good marriage. She understands how lucky she is (or at least it's unusual) to have met someone so young that she actually ended up with. She was saying how she'd gone to (a studio in CA owned by a mutual friend/colleague) and was asked, on the spur of the moment, to provide some sexy sounds to a recording that was in process. The group recording was actually not a performing group, but a group of young guys there for a 4-day recording intensive workshop. Mostly college guys. No women.
She said she was aware of how they perceived her, as she is all the time with men. She knows she's considered "hot". And I've heard her joke about this. She knows that it's not because she's intrinsically beautiful, but because she's thin, and young, and dresses well, and isn't afraid to show cleavage, etc. But that she found she was not comfortable with the moaning and sighing they were asking her to do, just as she's not always comfortable with being "the hot girl", and all that goes along with that. She also said she knows that "this will all be gone in 5 years". This really took me by surprise. When I was her age, I wasn't worrying about age at all. It just hadn't reached my radar yet. I miss those days. I certainly wasn't feeling that my hotness meter was about to expire (though I feel that now, for sure). And hers won't, not in 5 years, and not in 10. She'll still be hot, though she doesn't believe that. I think what she is worried about, if it were deconstructed, is that she knows that the hold she has on that particular demographic, though she's not looking for attention from guys 18-25, probably will go away. And that feels like a loss to her. It's a power loss, maybe? In any case, it made me sad. That someone so smart and savvy, who is a mental health professional, still feels like aging is a train barreling down the tracks towards her. And it's true that women in our society aren't allowed to age, or aren't allowed to age and continue to be sexy and desirable. How to change that??
Other topic:
I went out on date #2 with a guy. He is really nice, fairly smart, easy to talk to, engaging, attentive, kind, etc. He's into me. I'm really not sure how I feel, and I'm trying to deconstruct it. He's not particularly funny, and funny seems to be one thing that REALLY reels me in. Is that why? Is it just plain chemistry? I'm not attracted to him? He's attractive enough, but I'm not feeling it. I wish I could force myself to do so. Is it that cliche where, because I now know he's interested in ME, that makes me disinterested? Am I that most horrible of traits that many men have, wherein I'm only interested if I'm chasing? Is that me?? Is it that there have been two guys in the fairly recent past who've presumably purged me from their/our pasts, despite great chemistry? Is it that things for me have now become SO twisted that I can only get off on guys who leave me to pine for them? Is it that the sexiest thing a man can say to me now is "I'm not interested" or "I'm seeing someone"? It's all pissing me off. If I could manufacture chemistry and force it, I would. I don't know if deconstructing is helpful or harmful. And this guy's been clear - I can let him know if I'm not interested. Problem is, I don't know if I am. As much as I'm looking for a relationship that includes, amongst its attributes, sex early and often, I can't get myself to want this guy. At least I haven't yet. I wish I could get some advice on this, but I'm not sure who to ask.
Meanwhile, the flirtation with the professor I mentioned before continues, though he's on a cruise presently, and will be on the other side of the country till Jan. Though we're going to be at the same place in the fall, I believe. And it's a variation on the theme with this guy, too. I'm not sure this guy is actually interested in me, and I'm not sure I am in him. At least I never thought of him that way when we've met in person. He's incredibly thin (though way fit), so much so that it's a negative for me, and I can't imagine being attractive to him if it really came down to it. On the other hand...what I've seen so far is impressive.
I was talking to a friend/colleague the other day. She's about 27, very sassy and outgoing, pretty and thin, and a psychologist. Married very young, seems like a very good marriage. She understands how lucky she is (or at least it's unusual) to have met someone so young that she actually ended up with. She was saying how she'd gone to (a studio in CA owned by a mutual friend/colleague) and was asked, on the spur of the moment, to provide some sexy sounds to a recording that was in process. The group recording was actually not a performing group, but a group of young guys there for a 4-day recording intensive workshop. Mostly college guys. No women.
She said she was aware of how they perceived her, as she is all the time with men. She knows she's considered "hot". And I've heard her joke about this. She knows that it's not because she's intrinsically beautiful, but because she's thin, and young, and dresses well, and isn't afraid to show cleavage, etc. But that she found she was not comfortable with the moaning and sighing they were asking her to do, just as she's not always comfortable with being "the hot girl", and all that goes along with that. She also said she knows that "this will all be gone in 5 years". This really took me by surprise. When I was her age, I wasn't worrying about age at all. It just hadn't reached my radar yet. I miss those days. I certainly wasn't feeling that my hotness meter was about to expire (though I feel that now, for sure). And hers won't, not in 5 years, and not in 10. She'll still be hot, though she doesn't believe that. I think what she is worried about, if it were deconstructed, is that she knows that the hold she has on that particular demographic, though she's not looking for attention from guys 18-25, probably will go away. And that feels like a loss to her. It's a power loss, maybe? In any case, it made me sad. That someone so smart and savvy, who is a mental health professional, still feels like aging is a train barreling down the tracks towards her. And it's true that women in our society aren't allowed to age, or aren't allowed to age and continue to be sexy and desirable. How to change that??
Other topic:
I went out on date #2 with a guy. He is really nice, fairly smart, easy to talk to, engaging, attentive, kind, etc. He's into me. I'm really not sure how I feel, and I'm trying to deconstruct it. He's not particularly funny, and funny seems to be one thing that REALLY reels me in. Is that why? Is it just plain chemistry? I'm not attracted to him? He's attractive enough, but I'm not feeling it. I wish I could force myself to do so. Is it that cliche where, because I now know he's interested in ME, that makes me disinterested? Am I that most horrible of traits that many men have, wherein I'm only interested if I'm chasing? Is that me?? Is it that there have been two guys in the fairly recent past who've presumably purged me from their/our pasts, despite great chemistry? Is it that things for me have now become SO twisted that I can only get off on guys who leave me to pine for them? Is it that the sexiest thing a man can say to me now is "I'm not interested" or "I'm seeing someone"? It's all pissing me off. If I could manufacture chemistry and force it, I would. I don't know if deconstructing is helpful or harmful. And this guy's been clear - I can let him know if I'm not interested. Problem is, I don't know if I am. As much as I'm looking for a relationship that includes, amongst its attributes, sex early and often, I can't get myself to want this guy. At least I haven't yet. I wish I could get some advice on this, but I'm not sure who to ask.
Meanwhile, the flirtation with the professor I mentioned before continues, though he's on a cruise presently, and will be on the other side of the country till Jan. Though we're going to be at the same place in the fall, I believe. And it's a variation on the theme with this guy, too. I'm not sure this guy is actually interested in me, and I'm not sure I am in him. At least I never thought of him that way when we've met in person. He's incredibly thin (though way fit), so much so that it's a negative for me, and I can't imagine being attractive to him if it really came down to it. On the other hand...what I've seen so far is impressive.
18 July 2009
massholes
To the oh-so-delightful woman who swaggered her way out into a crosswalk when the light clearly said "DON'T WALK" in unmistakable red, and the light for cars was green, all the while yelling about how "pedestrians always have the right of way!", here's a little info for you:
Next time, maybe try toning down the ATTITUDE while you're breaking the law and putting us all in danger.
At signalized intersections, DON’T WALK means DON’T WALK. If you are not in the crosswalk by the time the signal flashes “Don’t Walk”, then you are violating the law. The “countdown” signals which show the time remaining to get across the crosswalk safely are there to remind pedestrians already in the crosswalk how much time they have left to safely clear the intersection. Any time you enter a crosswalk when the signal is displaying “Don’t Walk”, you are violating the law and are subject to receiving a citation for violating the law.
Next time, maybe try toning down the ATTITUDE while you're breaking the law and putting us all in danger.
08 July 2009
I used to say "I" and "me"...
I know everyone's had their say about Michael Jackson, and likely noone cares what I think, but here it is anyways, in brief. I'm not sure people really get how talented he was. In watching old videos of him (from the Jackson 5 days), most people can tell, of course, that he was an incredibly, spookily talented kid, but his mastery of emotion, his vocal control, his riffs...are just off the hook. Breathtaking. I was watching this video of him singing "Ben" and (if this is simplistic, I apologize) and he switches from verse 1 to verse 2 from major to minor in the melody. Very subtle but appropriate for the song. And even if that wasn't his idea, it would be challenging for a child to execute. Also, though he's clearly lip syncing here, you know this what he ACTUALLY sounded like, because there was no pitch correction then, or digital cut and paste. And later, he wrote and produced stuff that was a totally new sound, stuff that had never been heard before, with elements of other styles, of course (disco, r&b, etc), but not derivative. Same for his dancing. That's masterful, and THAT is why (the loss of him) is so significant.
And if you can indulge my intuition, I think I'm a fairly good judge of character by observation, and I TRULY do not think the molestation allegations were true. I think this was a man who just wanted a childhood he never had, wanted to be in the presence of people who were guileless, and those people were children. And he interacted with them like HE was a child as well. Unfortunately, there were parents who saw a potential cash cow looming before them, and took that insidious route. And MJ's actions certainly did appear untoward, inasmuch as he was interacting with these kids in a way that's ok when kid-to-kid, but not ok for non-relational adults and kids.
[sigh]
Happy Trails, MJ. I can't think of a more sweet tribute than this one.
Also, I miss the 70s because of shit like this.
And if you can indulge my intuition, I think I'm a fairly good judge of character by observation, and I TRULY do not think the molestation allegations were true. I think this was a man who just wanted a childhood he never had, wanted to be in the presence of people who were guileless, and those people were children. And he interacted with them like HE was a child as well. Unfortunately, there were parents who saw a potential cash cow looming before them, and took that insidious route. And MJ's actions certainly did appear untoward, inasmuch as he was interacting with these kids in a way that's ok when kid-to-kid, but not ok for non-relational adults and kids.
[sigh]
Happy Trails, MJ. I can't think of a more sweet tribute than this one.
Also, I miss the 70s because of shit like this.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)