well, that kinda sucked

[the DQ photo will make sense if you read on!]

Just had a rather disappointing conversation with my sister. I won't go into what started it, but that it became another conversation about why my brother in law dislikes me and why that bothers me. She contends that he dislikes and disrespects just about everyone, so I shouldn't take it personally. I contend that that is shitty. But ultimately, I guess that's the reality. I need to accept it. Still, it's hard to be dismissed by your own brother in law, who was your friend to begin with. She asked me what I was ultimately wanting from him, and I said, "I want my friend back". "Well, he's different now. He's much more curmudgeonly." Uh...ok.

She brought up how I'd recommended the movie "Monsoon Wedding" to them both years ago, when it came out. He couldn't be bothered. He's never taken a movie recommendation from me. But she did, and she loved it. Fast forward to just recently, when one of his screenwriting pals recommends it, and he runs right out and gets it. Loves it. But it wasn't worth seeing until someone NOT ME/US recommended it. Repeat multiple times, in different situations.

So she's saying, "Yes, he's disrespectful and dismissive, but he's that way with most people. Don't take it personally". I think we use the term "don't take it personally" WAY too much, because of course it IS personal. So my anger, my response, my disappointment, is not created in a vacuum.

Speaking of disrespect, I find it fascinating that there's a group of people who consider me "famous" or admirable, and those people treat me with a deference I'm not used to. They ask for my advice. It's happened a few times this week alone. And there are others for whom I'm not particularly respected. I have a hard time rectifying the two. And sometimes, one person can both respect and disrespect/dismiss me almost simultaneously, and that's pretty confusing, and makes me want to punch/hug that person.

But I did have more extended birthday celebrating last night. Went out with Mark and Andrea to a few places, including my favorite Portuguese place. I mention this only because I got the most awesome-ist of gifts from them:

• smoked chicken skewers they made with their own smoker
• gift card for Pizza Hut (are they trying to KILL ME?)
• gift card for Borders
• funny, pie-related card

And Mark put a spoon on his head where it mysteriously hovered. That in itself was like another gift.

Two appointments coming up, including the eye doctor. Last year, eye doctor said, "Well, you don't need bi-focals YET". I said, "It's that 'yet' part that worries me". Still, I think I'm good. My up-close vision seems fine, and my far away vision is holding at "near-blind". But it's been that way since I was about 12 and realized that I couldn't read the Dairy Queen sign (just like the above), so that's nothing new.

arrogance masquerading as humility

in which Savage refers to the bible as "...a massive book full of ancient desert prejudices"

and Maher says, "All the KILLING! If I had a child, the last book I would give to teach morality would be the bible."

Maher also says something about how one of the problems he has with religion is that it's so much arrogance masquerading as humility. All this "God wants this", "God hates that" stuff used as a way to condemn whole segments of the population. He's right - what else IS that but arrogance?

I was right

I went out today right around game time, and lo and behold - near empty roads and stores. I reveled in gentility with my fellow non-sports-loving compatriots (no, not Patriots). I bought cat food and a ring and got some BBQ.

An hour ago, I turned on the TV to what was supposed to be "Dateline". Instead, some reporter was outside in freezing weather talking to some random women about what commemorative football sweatshirts they had and wanted to get in the future.

This was preempting regular programming.

A-MA-ZING.

pre-game consumer frenzy

I thought I'd go out and do some shopping today in the midst of all the cleaning and laundry I'm doing, which will precede the writing of more voiceovers. Yes, it's a fascinating weekend here at Amy-ville.

I moseyed over to the mall only to find traffic on the way there to be Christmas-grade insane. And the crowds in the stores bore out, so I abandoned those plans pretty quick. My gift card will wait for another time.

It didn't take me long to realize what's going on. There's some dumb-ass football game tomorrow. Something "historic", which for sports means that Teddy Overpaid is going for some touchdown record, or Local Who-Gives-A-Shit Team is trying to win some arbitrary number of games that will surpass some other dumbass team's number which will consequently give all the dumbass fools - sorry, I mean enthusiastic FANS - a reason to say "OUR TEAM is the best!" Not to mention that it's not YOUR anything. You don't play in it. You don't own it. You just buy the overpriced and hideous logo-wear and sit on your ass eating and watching the games. How that gives you ownership is something that eludes me. Oh, but you MUST WATCH LIVE, because taping it is akin to breaking a law, and another dumbass friend - I mean enthusiastic FAN - might call you during the game and if you're not watching you'll find out what the score is!! Gasp! Tragedy! Life ends! You might have to actually go out and do something!

So, this game is for some reason sending people into some sort of crazy pre-game spending frenzy. Better get out there before they run out of pizza rolls and hot pockets!! Tomorrow is the day I should go out, and I will find out when the game starts and I'll have all the stores to myself. Yay. At least they haven't turned these game days into state or federal holidays YET, and I bet lots of ugly-logo-wearing employees are pissed.

[Can you tell I truly hate sports and sports culture?]

I really also hate cleaning and errand-ing. I do it all because I can't live in a mess, but I truly can't stand it. I know people who like it, though. They look forward to their cleaning days and schedule them like a romantic date. Me, I do it when I need to, enough to keep things clean and keep on top of stuff. Today I cleaned the apt (most of it - still more to do), changed the bag in the vacuum cleaner (which has to be done outside), vac'd, changed sheets, did laundry (which, because I have to go to the laundromat, is about 400 times more annoying than if I just could throw it into my own damn on-premises washer and dryer, but almost no apartments in this area come with them or have space for them), cleaned salt residue off the floor, grocery shopping. Still to do: fold laundry, finish cleaning, litterbox, buy cat food.

I need a staff. Here are the positions I'm looking to fill, in case you're interested or know someone:

-housekeeper
-personal assistant
-financial planner
-life coach
-yenta*

*I have played this role for others many times, in business and in romance. Two marriages so far. But noone's stepped up to return the favor yet. Sigh.

STOP

This new trend of calling redheads "fire crotch"? Fucking STOP IT. It doesn't even make sense as an insult OR a compliment, though I think it's supposed to be the former. It's stupid, yet all the trend whores have picked up on it (I just read something about how "...Ashlee Simpson has gone fire crotch", meaning she dyed her hair red.)

STOP.

It also doesn't even make sense when talking about non-natural redheads, because...the curtains wouldn't match the drapes. Which, by the way, can we get rid of that saying too?

Tiny Angela...

...interviews Lewis Black. Yay!

Details

I just bought a copy of Details magazine (which I never bought before) because one of the articles is titled "Enough Already With The Fake Boobs"

not giving in

It's odd, having this schedule. Since I worked over the weekend to meet a voiceover writing deadline, I now have a semi-free day. That means:

• working on music for this weekend; continue to build callouses
  
  
• make set lists for Sat
  
  
• do some publicity for Sat
  
  
• work on song I'm writing
  
  
• dentist appt. @ 2 (drop off car insurance bill on the way)
  
  
• go for walk because it's 55 DEGREES!
  
  
• dinner w/Raymond and Pam

Oo, that's a good amount of stuff. I'd better get going.

You know...since I was a young adult, maybe even a teenager, I always thought that children sort of destroyed all romance in marriages. This was, of course, by observation. I didn't construct that out of nowhere, and I certainly didn't want it to be true. My parents divorced when I was about...12, but it was clear it wasn't us kids that caused it. So leave that alone. It's too easy a diagnosis. But from my own personal observation, and pretty much EVERY CULTURAL EXAMPLE shows that children (if not just simply marriage alone) make you 1.) exhausted, 2.) disinterested in your spouse, 3.) irritable, 4.) asexual.

As my friends and peers started having kids, I was sad to see that this bore out, for the most part. At this point, I can only point to a few marriages w/kids where the spouses are more than neutered roommates. One relative of mine with small children has NO standalone relationship with his wife. NONE. They never do anything alone, they don't interact as adults, the chemistry is gone or dismissed.

This makes me so sad.

And I think from a very young age, I wanted nothing to do with that. Now, saying this out loud makes people - especially married people - scramble to categorize me as damaged or messed up or simply negative because it challenges THEM, their choices, and might make them look at their own situation. I mean, married people don't have TIME to nurture their relationship with their spouse, they tell me. And hey, sex isn't important past those first few years, anyways, right? Well, not to me. If I wanted a roommate, I'd get a fucking roommate. I want a relationship, with everything wonderful and horrible that that entails, and that includes romance and (gasp!) ongoing sex. Not finite sex. Not it's-boring-because-it's-familiar sex. Not "when you get a little too old I'll find a fuck buddy behind your back" sex. And certainly not "it's ok that I've become neutered" sex, which isn't sex at all.

I was watching this Chris Rock special the other night. I like him. He's smart, he's edgy, he's funny. But then his act devolved into, well, what almost every comedian's act devolves into: let's talk about how miserable marriage is/how miserable men or women are. He went on to say how in the last 7 years (his marriage), he's had "vagina", but he hasn't had "pussy". He's had "fellatio", but not "blow jobs". That there's sex (with his wife), but not hot sex. Just routine, let's-get-it-over-with sex. And that if you don't want to be in this situation, then "marriage ain't for you" (this was repeated several times, each time to roaring laughter). And I'm sad to say that almost every single comedian I've ever seen, no matter how skilled, eventually takes his or her act down that trite and predictable road. If it's not actually the case, then surely they could come up with some more original content. Does joking about it 1.) mean it's true and 2.) make it ok to say out loud? Because when I say it out loud, I get no end of shit. I'm negative, I'm cynical, I don't know what I'm talking about because I'm not married. And kids just plain exhaust you, so something's got to go. And I believe the first part of that last sentence, but I also think that as 1/2 of a couple, you owe it to your spouse to continue to nurture your relationship with them. And that's for the good of the children too, for what are you modeling for them if all they see is a non-romantic partnership between their parents?

It's fascinating to me that what I'm espousing here is an ideal, is a POSITIVE, and yet I'm "cynical", I'm "negative", I "hate men"?? What I SEE is negative. It's my observation. It's not what I WANT to see. The entire series "Everybody Loves Raymond" was about the poor hapless blue-balled guy and his cold, bitchy wife who wouldn't give it up to him. That's the premise. Can't we do better? In art and in life? What I WISH FOR is the positive, is for every marriage/partnership to continue to be a loving, sexy, connected relationship, and not devolve into neutered roommates because we're too tired to bother otherwise.

Until recently, I really only wanted a consistent sexual relationship. But now - I'm not exactly sure what's changed but I have my strong theories - I really want a relationship, companionship. Hell, I'm ready to fold someone's laundry and wash someone else's dishes. I want that. And I think, having been alone for so long, I can actually bring some enthusiasm to some things that for others are just drudgery. Maybe that sounds weird. But I'm looking forward to the mundane. And committed to keeping it hot. And even if I can't convince one person this is possible, maybe I'll find someone else. I don't know. I just cannot abide that hapless man/bitchy-cold woman model.

[And, as if on cue, one of my current most-hated commercials just came on. One for multi-grain Cheerios where the guy tries to compliment the woman the she goes uber-bitchy on him and he's forced to backpedal. Nasty, mean, and thoughtless advertising.]

birthday 08

That was a strange-ish birthday. Many nice birthday greetings, aforementioned plane ticket from brother, gift card from mom, handmade scarf from Melissa, other presents are apparently still in transit. I got myself a new microwave because, well, I kinda had to. And I got myself a nice wool rug, because I'd been looking for one for quite a while. Of course, the cats immediately took to it for rolling and greco-roman-esque fighting purposes, and now I have to vacuum it pretty much every day. This led to me giving Rocco a new name: "Sheddy Pantalones". I think it suits him.

Had lunch with David, Jeanette and TJ yesterday. The former two were frustrated with each other. I think they're having disagreements in parenting that they'll work out, but then again, what do I know? I hope I'm right, though. Apparently I have birthday dinners scheduled the rest of the week as well.

As I look back on the past year, it seems like I've made some progress (I'm certainly better off this year than I was last year, and have a new place and new car), but I think this year will really be filled with substantive changes for me. I do plan to move, and some of that is because I simply can't bear to stay. I don't know what's here for me, I often feel alone, and lonely less so but still sometimes. That's something I admit VERY reluctantly, because being lonely really seems like the realm of the pathetic. Lonely is different than bored, though. I think I can safely say that I'm never bored. I love Marblehead and after 10 years of living here, I'm still every day astounded by its beauty. I am comfortable in Boston and know my way around this state better than almost all, if not all, of the natives I know (because of the very strange and very annoying propensity they have to remain willfully ignorant of the geography around them). I have lots of friends here but most have their own families and have no time for me. I'm sad that, at the age when I should have a home and a place, that I feel I need to uproot and start again. For a homebody like me, this is terrifying. I'd like to be able to settle down, and technically, sure, I could stay. Say that things are ok as they are, that I've got friends and some semblance of a life here and that that should be fine. And then hope that eventually I'll find someone special here, and find work I love (and get paid well) as opposed to work that's ok-for-now. Find one or two more people for the band and reconstitute, hoping that someone won't jump ship 6 months down the road because it's not what they expected. And then, when they do, because music is their side thing and not their focus, I'd have to decide whether to do it all over AGAIN, again.

I'm ready to be a musician again, in whatever way that turns out to be (and after having lunch last week with a new friend, I may have a plan I hadn't thought of before). I think I'll do better with it elsewhere, where art doesn't take such a back seat to other things. I don't think I'll find someone here, so I think that I'll do better with THAT elsewhere. I cannot stand this weather, so somewhere more temperate makes sense.

So armed with that much info, I'm still fact finding.

We're heading down to NYC and then Philly this weekend. Very much looking forward to this show, and though I'd earlier feared that we'd just be triaging and getting through it with the goal of not embarrassing ourselves, I now think, even without having heard all 5 of us together yet, that it will be actually quite good. I think we're all looking forward to it. I'm so impressed with how Ryan's come through, and I'd love to be able to work with him further, but I'm not sure how much I'll do here after this gig. I wish I could take him with me.

A few bits:

• This morning, I heard Mike Barnicle say (on "The Today Show", I believe, acting as correspondent from NH) "Barack ObamER". He ADDED AN "ER" to the guy's name!! It is NOT "ObamER", and he should be able to curtail that gawdawful accent for a national television appearance. Disgraceful. Yes, I need to get out of here.
  
  
• Tonight is the first of new episodes of "No Reservations". I've got it all TiVo'd up and ready to go!
  
  
• I came across this doc about women who collect ultra realistic dolls, and then treat them like actual babies, taking them out for walks and buying them expensive clothes and traveling with them. It was SO creepy and disturbing. And the poor hapless guys who live with these women. I felt bad for them, and wondered what makes a woman become so freaky. Can maternal instincts just go sort of haywire? WAY haywire?
  
  
• For NON-creepy, thoroughly joyful YouTube-ishness, check this out

revision of list

First off, it's THREE DEGREES out. I cannot wait to not have to deal with such ridiculousness. In a little bit, I'm taking Shirley to the vet, and because the vet is right down the street, I'm walking her down. That'll be fun, in a torture/survivalist way.

I need to revise my birthday list some. My awesome brother offered to get me tickets to LA as my present. I was about to get them myself, but he offered, so I'm going in Feb! He always manages to get me things that I really need or want. But I now need to add DVD player (which he actually got me several years ago, but it's now only sporadically working), and microwave. Now, my microwave has been making some alarming noises of late, a loud BUZZ! BUZZ! while things are cooking. I fear very few physical things, but I do have a strong fear of electricity. So I wondered what was going on. Last night whilst making some popcorn, it was BUZZ! BUZZ! again, and then it started smoking from the inside, AND FLAMES APPEARED! I had to actually blow out the flame. That freaked my shit out. It now sits, with its blackened, flame-licked interior, in my front hallway, ready to go to the dump (which I apparently may be charged $25 disposal fee), and I guess I'll be making my way to Target or something today.

It's going to be an expensive week, what with rent, car payment, microwave, new rug, scratching post (that cats won't use), Shirley vaccination...