old lady back

Still recovering. This is why I try very hard not to get sick, and don't, very often. When I do, it hangs around, generally, for a few months at least. So I guess that while others recover from a cold in a few days or a week and get sick more often, I save up all mine for one yearly period of ick. Now I mostly have my voice back, am still coughing, and am still tired. Sore throat gone, congestion gone. What's left is a weird clogginess to my head that is affecting my hearing.

In the midst of this, I got the results from my neck and spine MRI. Took them to the physical therapist who did my initial assessment. What he said was, "This is the spine of someone in their 60s.". Oy. That's not something ya wanna hear. What it says is:

"There is straightening of the normal cervical lordosis...There is a central disc bulge at C3-C4. Minimal right-sided C3-C4 foraminal narrowing is present second to uncovertebral joint hypertrophy."

It goes on and on like this and then says:

"Conclusion: cervical spondylosis as described above."

Translation: narrowing of vertebral...holes causing nerve compression; bone spurs on spine; arthritis on spine; disc bulging.

Now I'm supposed to see a neurologist and continue PT. The above-mentioned guy did the PT last time and was much more agressive than the regular (young and inexperienced) woman I see. So I actually got some relief, meaning that my arm and hand aren't 100% of the time numb, but I have some brief times where it's ok.

But all of this is very scary. There aren't a lot of treatment options, continuing numbness could lead to nerve degeneration, and my father lives in terrible terrible back pain and on heavy duty (eg morphine) painkillers just to get by. And back problems are or can be inherited.

What I can do is continue my exercises and weights, and start yoga again.

Another year almost gone, another birthday approaches. I don't have much optimism for the new year, much as I'd like to. I'm excited about Obama and seriously annoyed by people who won't even give the guy a chance (like Penn). I'm sad that, as "Milk" shows us, we still haven't come all that far when it comes to gay rights, but hopeful that we are progressing. I do know that changes must occur (for me and in general). I see too much complacency around me. Me too - I'm still here. I want to not fall into that. The fear and loneliness are overwhelming. The best I can do is try to continue to surround myself with extraordinary people who serve as examples of well-lived lives and buoy me. As Raymond says, "...we need a little magic now..."

books and movies 08

Man, this cold, or flu-like illness, or whatever it is, has laid me out. It keeps morphing into new and lovely new forms of ick. Luckily, none have involved any stomach issues. Just sore throat, congestion, fatigue, dizziness, etc.

Here is my list of 08 books and movies. I suppose some more may be added before the end of the year, but I'll just throw this out there now (* = recommended):

BOOKS:

Cellophane* / Marie Arana
Schulz and Peanuts / David Michaelis
Born Standing Up* / Steve Martin
The Trial Of True Love* / William Nicholson
The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid / Bill Bryson
Daisy Fay and the Miracle Man* / Fanny Flagg
Child Of God / Cormac McCarthy
When You Are Engulfed In Flames* / David Sedaris
Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex* / Mary Roach
The Highly Sensitive Person / Elaine Aron
Between The Bridge and The River / Craig Ferguson
The Discomfort Zone / Jonathan Franzen
The Orchid Thief / Susan Orlean
A Girl Named Zippy / Haven Kimmel
Darkness Visible* / William Styron
Olive Kitteridge* / Elizabeth Strout

MOVIES:

Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny* (in LA with Pam, Dave and Angie)
Bee Movie (on plane returning)
No Country For Old Men
Be Kind Rewind (w/Melissa)
Margot At The Wedding
The Darjeeling Limited* (again on DVD)
Forgetting Sarah Marshall*
Young @ Heart* (w/Melissa)
Surfwise* (w/Melissa)
Sex And The City (w/Amanda)
The Savages
Gone Baby Gone (w/Andrea and Mark @ their place, 7.12.08)
Stepbrothers (w/Melissa 8.4.08)
Elegy* (w/Melissa 8.29.08)
Transiberia (w/Melissa, but I had to leave after 30 mins - sick)
Burn After Reading* (w/Andrea and Mark 9.27.08)
Being There* (w/Andrea and Mark 10.3.08)
Religulous* (w/Melissa, 10.4.08)
Terms Of Endearment (10.12.08)
Rachel Getting Married** (11.12.08 w/Melissa)
Journey To The Center Of The Earth (11.26.08 on plane to LA)
Son Of Rambow* (12.2.08 on plane from LA)
Ghost Town (12.2.08 on plane from LA)
Slumdog Millionaire (12.12.08 w/Melissa)

PLEASE, for me, don't watch "Idol"

"The combination freak show/amateur hour rolls on, crushing its time-period competition and not declining in ratings fast enough for my taste. Of course, my taste also includes a predilection for music that hasn't been strangled by ostentatious mannerisms. And since history suggests that the also-rans can become bigger stars than the winners, who cares about a competition that's increasingly meaningless in every way?" -Ken Tucker/ Entertainment Weekly

The only thing I'd add is that it's clear that Idol itself must be feeling somewhat desperate, hence their significant programming tweaks for the upcoming season (which I also won't be watching), which include the addition of a new (coherent?) judge. But to all musicians, this show is and should be perceived as an affront.

ridiculous

So, the local TV stations, whose bread and butter is snow storm panic, are at the moment realizing that this current storm isn't going to be all that bad, and in fact will be tapering off soon. What does one station (Storm Team 5!!) do? Well, I just heard this desperate teaser:

"How much time you have to get things done until the NEXT STORM comes through!"

Sigh.

in fashion?

What with all the Christmas Sweater Parties and the commercials making fun of tacky holiday sweaters, it's amazing that people (read: older women) still buy and wear these things un-ironically. But they do. They're the same women you hear in stores, picking up something 1.) hideous or 2.) make-me-invisible nondescript or 3.) outdated, and saying, "These are very in fashion now, you know?", because you don't even have to see what they're referring to. You know for a FACT that it's not "in fashion".

There must be a lot of these ladies out there, though, because headbanded Jeanne Bice (of Quacker Factory fame) is making a MINT. Embroidery and beading are rights, not privileges! Grown women dressing like circus clowns and infants. Hmm. Interesting phenomenon.

By donning these monstrosities, what these women are actually saying is, "My Christmas gift to you is my sexuality. Please take it. I'm not using it anymore. If you don't believe me, please take a gander at the GIANT APPLIQUE'D REINDEER HEAD splayed across my chest. So go on. Take it, dear."

motivation

When I talking to D last week, he said something about how the guy he used to be when we first met and were dating is probably much closer to the kind of guy I'm looking for now. That he was more motivated then, more positive, a relentless go-getter. He doesn't see himself that way anymore (I'm not sure I agree). It just occurred to me that I feel that way about myself as well, though. Until last year, I worked tirelessly on music and performance, barreling through, no matter the circumstances. When someone left my group, I'd rally, audition and move on. When a group ended, I'd rally, start another, establish us, and move on. When I pursued a gig or opportunity, I'd pursue it endlessly, keeping notes on how many times I'd contacted them and how things were progressing. Even if the gig took 2+ years to get, I'd keep on.

I haven't performed for a year. This is the longest I've gone without performing since I was FIVE. And it has destroyed my soul. People are telling me to just let go and move on, stop trying to make things work. But noone seems to even give a moment's thought to the fact that this is what I love more than anything. And this stasis feels like a slow deterioration not only of the project, but of ME. I need a bass and possibly a vocal percussionist, and possibly need to replace the two others in the group - not sure if they still have the time. But once Sean left to teach (he was both bass and VP), that's when I stopped having the energy to keep on. Something just broke in my motivation. We did a bunch of gigs after his departure with others, but I still have no bass, and very few people do bass and VP simultaneously. And basses who can swing are rare and hard to come by anywhere. Add to this my ambiguity about living here and the difficulty of finding good musicians here and...that's where I am. Stasis. Stalled.

I still am sure I can market and make successful the kind of group I envision, if only I had that group. If only I could find people who wanted to do it and were qualified. I've had a few people recently tell me that my standards are "too high", as if doing your job to the best of your abilities is now a bygone concept, and we should all slide into mediocrity and be ok with that. If by "too high", they mean that the music is precise and professional, and the performance tight, then sure, my standards are "too high". Why would you PAY to go see any performer who was only working at 50%? Would you go see...Cirque de Soleil if the performers didn't fucking BLOW YOU AWAY with their skills? If they didn't do something that you couldn't do? If they couldn't bend and balance and suppress their natural fears in order to do things that most people wouldn't even consider?

And this stuck-ness has extended to other things. Every day I've been trying to get myself to write to D (not the D mentioned above, but a woman musician who said she'd like to do some stuff with me) to see if she still wants to use me. And every day I push it to the next day because I'm too weak to have to get a "Oops, sorry, nothing for you at this time - good luck, though!" response. I guess my tolerance for rejection has just lowered to just about nothing. And every day I think about calling C, but don't. It's now been months since the last time we "talked" (ie he screamed at me), and the unrest I feel about this outcome eats at me daily. The old me would have called. I could call, but he won't answer. This may be the only instance where I'm doing the right thing, though it's completely counterintuitive, as he seems (is) completely irrational and it doesn't seem like having a kind and reasonable conversation would be likely to happen, no matter how I react, or reacted (which has always been, well, kind and reasonable).

So I've gone into some kind of accelerated self-protection mode. And the problem is that it's only driven me more into a hole. Others do it and are still attractive and find others to love them, or start anew and things get better. So far for me I'm just stuck. I'd like to think this is some sort of renewal time where I'm gathering strength and getting ready for act II, but I'm not sure.

reconsidering

I deleted the post I wrote earlier today. I'm just not good at writing sympathetically about The Thing I Want The Most. I think it's because at this point I've had so many people tell me I should stop wanting it, or maybe I won't ever get it (and I should be ok with that), or that I should just be happy for everyone else who has it, that I'm angry and annoyed and sad and frustrated.

I'll salvage this one paragraph:

I truly want both love and sex, in abundance. Camille was saying yesterday how her boyfriend wouldn't let her go to a gig alone a few days ago because he didn't want her driving in the ice storm by herself. And it was all I could do to keep from crying, because...won't SOMEONE ever feel that tender and protective of me? Won't I be able to feel the same about someone else?

----------------------------------

I had my MRI on Friday. And aside from having another bra trauma, it was fine. The earplugs made it tolerable and the techs were nice, and even gave me this groovy CD of images of my insides (that's my spine over there). No results yet, and for the past bunch of days, my arm has actually been...ok, so I'm hoping it stays that way. The prospect of the EMG (which would be the next step) or surgery is not enticing. My bass player stepfather is having surgery on both hands for carpal tunnel. One is done already and he's doing well. But he's one of several who's said the EMG is quite unpleasant.

king keeps files

I want this little flash drive.

no good title

Well, this week should be interesting. I have a physical, which includes, shall we say, everything, and later I have an MRI for whatever's going on with my left arm. I'm just hoping it's a non-contrast MRI, because I don't like the idea of something going into my veins (in this case, dye - ew). If I did, I suppose I'd be the perfect junkie.

---------------------------------------------------

Because this has come up twice in two days...I've heard people say that they just decided, that they just resolved - no matter what was going on with them at the time - to be happy. And there's a self-congratulatory tone to their self-defined virtuousness. But see Styron's words below about the hooks in the soul that depression constructs. It sometimes isn't a choice, some of us just can't will ourselves to a sunny disposition, no matter the output of effort. Which does not mean we wish not to try, or we don't try, or we don't sometimes succeed. But resolve is often not enough. The reserves aren't there. The biochemistry won't allow you to "just decide" to be positive.

And anyone who dares say what I'm saying right now (which is why I rarely talk about this, and why only a few people I know personally know about this blog) is often labeled a whiner and dismissed, because, as Styron describes, there really isn't a reasonable relatable comparison between "the blues" and...this. This is not a club I wish to be part of. I'm not proud of it, nor do I talk much about it, though I did have one friend who defined himself solely by his depression and would constantly tell you about his meds, etc. and it bothered the shit out of me because...he spoke of it like it was his job, or his hobby. So though I'm not proud of it, I'm also tired of being ashamed. So I'll be vocal. I wish to dig out. And right this very moment, I feel ok. I think it's possible to dig out. But as long as people continue to make inappropriate but understandable comparisons (between normal emotional ups and downs and this shitty disease), I fear it will be that much harder. I will be labeled "damaged" and I will be avoided, and I fear that noone will love me. That is my greatest fear.

Styron

"This leads me to touch again on the elusive nature of such distress. That the word 'indescribable' should present itself is not fortuitous, since it has to be emphasized that if the pain were readily describable most of the countless sufferers from this ancient affliction would have been able to confidently depict for their friends and loved ones (even their physicians) some of the actual dimensions of their torment, and perhaps elicit a comprehension that has been generally lacking; such incomprehension is usually due not to a failure of sympathy but to the basic inability of healthy people to imagine a form of torment so alien to everyday experience..."

"...the sufferer from depression has no such option and therefore finds himself, like a walking casualty of war, thrust into the most intolerable social and family situations. There he must, despite the anguish devouring his brain, present a face approximating the one that is associated with ordinary events and companionship. He must try to utter small talk, and be responsive to questions, and knowingly nod and frown and, God help him, even smile*. But it is a fierce trial attempting to speak a few simple words."

-William Styron, Darkness Visible

*I would suggest that this is exponentially worse for women, as sullen men are accepted and considered "mysterious" and "sexy" and women want to fix and comfort them, but women who don't continually grin and coddle like beauty pageant contestants and who express anything less than positivity are automatically labeled bitchy or cold, and men want to stay away from them.

Thanksgiving wrap-up

Back from LA and Vegas. For the most part, a good time. Thanksgiving is always crazy with activities, and with it in LA and Vegas instead of Ohio, even moreso. All I can say is, thank GOD for cell phones, and phones with internet access. How else would we mobilize a group of...15 or so? In multiple locations with multiple agendas. Thanksgiving itself was nice, with about 20 of us, all family but for Dan's friend Jane and a few people who stopped by for a little bit. Dan is my stepmother's brother and one of the funniest people I know. We created this video on Thanksgiving night. Dave edited it on the fly and up it went onto YouTube. After watching it numerous times, I still think it's hilarious.

It was my sister's birthday and also my stepgrandmother's 90th birthday. You would probably guess she's in her 70s if you met her. Her father was an actor in NYC. I don't remember all of the story, but I believe he was a stage actor, and also did some film. We watched a film from 1930 that he was in. It was in Yiddish and English, with the actors switching back and forth, sometimes within a sentence. My brother pointed out that the characters in the film, which took place in NYC, kept saying how much they hated the US and wished to return to Poland. In 1930. Oops.

My nieces are amazing. That's all I can say about that. They're just extraordinary girls.

I sadly had my eyes opened when I realized all the details I am missing with my tiny TV once I actually watched things on Dave and Angie's giant, movie-screen sized, hi-def flat screen. Sigh. Ignorance really is - or was - bliss.

Here's what we did in Vegas:

• saw Penn & Teller, tickets courtesy of Penn. This was a more subdued, more...internal version of the show that I've seen. Still brilliant. People looking for David Copperfield wind machines and loud electronic music and forced eroticism won't find it here
  
  
• went to the Shark Reef at Mandalay Bay. Found the jellyfish utterly mesmerizing
  
  
• ate at Fin (Mirage), The Buffet (Treasure Island), Lupo (Mandalay Bay), Bouganvillea Restaurant (Terribles), among others. None of it was really impressive, truth be told. I know there exists fine dining in Vegas, and I could have found it, but I don't run the show when we're there, which is fine
  
  
• went to the Erotic Heritage Museum, which I highly recommend. If you think there's no such thing as a well curated, non-sleazy porn museum, you'd be wrong. It's not on the strip, though, and it's not for kids. And probably not appropriate for people who would be shocked by, ya know, a PORN MUSEUM. They should stick to M&M's World.
  
  
• played bingo at Terribles, and won nothing
  
  
• did lots of walking around, inside and out
  
  
• stayed at THEhotel, which was absolutely beautiful
  
  
• went to the Fremont Street Experience in old LV, which I'd seen before, but it's worth seeing again, as it always changes
  
  
• saw Show In The Sky at the Rio, which I'd also seen before. To me, this is the epitome of Vegas - loud, colorful, sexy, garish. This spooky masked head usually talks unintelligibly to people in the audience, but was silent and static this time. Damn you, mumbling head! That picture above is one I took at this show.

There's more, but I've got to get to work. I'm falling behind. And feeling too fragmented to write about anything significant. I'm less and less capable of articulating my emotional states anyways.