news

Since Thanksgiving I've been trying to talk to D about What To Do With My "Career". He called when I was in OH and I couldn't talk and then I got sick and actually couldn't talk, for a long time. And then the fear set in. He was the definitive voice, the one with the broadest perspective on this whole scene. I thought he'd be helpful, but I also worried he'd confirm my worst fears: you shouldn't be on stage, you're not respected, you're too old to be on a stage, you can't sing, etc. So I put off calling him again and he's been all over the world in the meantime. A blog he sent me last week promoted a response from me that opened the door to my questions about what to do about me, and also some concerns that I have about the community. I asked him to take some time to respond. He responded immediately with a few sentences and didn't address the me part at all, though we're on the same page community-wise, and I've set into motion some things on that front. I asked again, and essentially all I got was, "yes, I know you've had trouble finding people to perform with. maybe just find some like minded people and sing for fun". Essentially the worst possible response I could have gotten, as it says, "yes, you suck. just sing privately". The one thing I had left, the one thing I long to revive (that I've worked for since age 5 but noone notices that or cares) since I apparently will always be alone and won't ever be able to make money, or buy a house, or any such adult things. Now that's not possible either. Of course, he doesn't make decisions for me, but his words are important. And it's been years since anyone's expressed any enthusiasm about me, or said they thought I was talented or...anything.

I don't know who I am now. I have nothing. Can I make my footprint smaller and smaller until noone notices that I'm gone?

Today I can actually feel the life energy draining out of me. Like an empty gas tank. And no refill. More bad news than I can take, upon bad news. This may be the last of my days. I simply don't have the strength or the support system for this. Noone can survive on failure and solitude.

relief

I had an emergency (squeezed in) dental appt today because of this. After x-rays and tapping and squeezing and such (not anywhere near as pleasant as it might sound), turns out there was nothing to see because it's probably a sinus issue that presents as EXTREME OMIGOD KILL ME NOW TOOTH PAIN. By the time I called him, I was in agony. But it's probably sinus stuff that's related to the illness I had from November on. Yay, it's the gift that keeps on giving! It's much better now, on its own. And no root canal, which frankly, I have no idea how I'd afford.

ignore the pain

For a string of years, I had ongoing dental issues that had to be dealt with (including a tooth that BROKE IN HALF and took months to reconstruct, including a gum surgery). As per usual, I feel it necessary to point out that they were not because of neglect, but just the luck of the draw. I have a few other friends/family who also have these ongoing issues that come out of the blue and require a lot of work, pain and expense. Lucky us. Wonder why when someone says, "I've never had a cavity in my life and I never go to the dentist!" it makes my blood boil? This is why. For a long time, I was having problems with the upper left...quadrant. Lots of pain, I think there may have been a root canal, and there's a crown with a gold onlay. And periodically that pain comes back. I think it may have to do with something I do in my sleep, on a night I don't wear my nightguard. Because it's like a traumatic pain. And I'm having it now. Throbbing, constant pain. And I know that it will go away in a few days and there's nothing I can do but take ibuprofen. And compared to all the work I had to have, it's nothing. But there are still crowns that are looking bad that I'd like to replace. And at approx $800 each, I don't know how to swing that, but they look bad. Just another reason I want to hide. Trying to will away my physical form hasn't worked so far.

UPDATE: I forgot how much this hurts. Can't chew, radiating up into my cheek. Ow ow ow.

shower thoughts

You know what would be amazing, really amazing? If just once, someone said to me, "I recognize that you have the expertise here, and I don't really know what I'm talking about. I defer to your expertise." instead of arguing about things you know little about, though you KNOW that this is what I do. It's just another example of the constant barrage of disrespect I get, and why I cannot respect myself, because I know that noone else does, in any circumstance. I know I sound like a broken record, but I get these examples all the time.

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I took a shower today. That's not significant, but I hate showers. I actually said out loud, "I hate showers. They don't make me look better or feel better. They just make me tired." And that's the truth. But I take them every day or every other day. In fact, (not so) fun fact: curly hair isn't supposed to be washed every day. When I was in the shower, trying to not be BORED OUT OF MY MIND and to get out as fast as possible, I remembered that someone had said to me recently that he only took a shower/changed every 4 or 5 days, but I couldn't remember who it was, and started thinking maybe it was in a movie or something. But then I remembered: it was V! He said that he and his gf often don't change or take a shower for days at a time. Sexy! And then I thought, well, he must mean on non-show days, right? But I'm not even sure about that. He's all grubby/super-casual at shows too. And at the show of his where I recently sang, he was changing his shoes and I noticed his socks were FILTHY. Not just a little, but like "worn for 12 days and maybe walked outside a little" filthy. Just sort of reiterates that most men, when left to their own devices, and even some that have a partner, are like 6 year old boys when it comes to their...ablutions. It's kinda gross. I want men to man up on this front. Take a shower. Clean your socks. Ew. Makes you appreciate men who are clean, stylish, and maybe even do laundry. The younger guys I know are better on this front. I don't know if that means that as men get older, they get more "who gives a shit?", or they never learned. I hope I can find one of the ones that does. Because though I very much would like to take care of someone, I don't want to be (an adult man's) mommy. I've probably said this before, but oh...those socks. They reminded me of the whole thing again.

paper thin

Everything's making me flinch lately. Dealing with some pretty difficult and acute things, alone. So feeling isolated on that front. But everything seems to take a toll. Just watched "The Future", a movie that was on some "you should see this" list in EW, and it was weird and out there. But part of the movie is narrated by a cat (serious), and for the most part you only see the paws, but you see the whole cat once, and it was sort of Rocco-y, and so all the paw scenes sort of ripped my heart out. Poor little injured Rocco-y cat waiting to be picked up.

[Rocco just jumped up next to me]

Judged two events this weekend which make me consider several things:

- should I still be doing this?
- I'm fat (truth be told, that's a constant buzz in my head)
- if I have to hear another Adele song or version of "Feeling Good" (Buble), I may dissolve
- it's harder to remember all the groups by the end of night, even though I know that's par for the course
- I wish I could still feel like I had promise and a future
- when people say something complimentary to me, I think they're just trying to placate me or make me feel better because they know I feel like crap. I'd like real compliments but I don't think I've earned them

etc

(trying to upload an image but it's just not happening)

the future

One of the things about being older is that you can look at (some) young people and know exactly what they'll look like when they are older. I guess it's just what comes from having had enough observational time watching other people (and yourself) age, and seeing that progression over the years instead of just knowing people at a static moment in time. So while I was judging this event last night, there were some kids that I could look at at this moment in time and also see their futures. I'm not sure what makes someone's aging predictable in that way while others aren't, but there seems a clear divide. Maybe it's that some people already look like older versions of themselves when they're young while others simply look young, or their gestures.

And maybe this is all bullshit.

But I also notice that people my age do this thing where they'll see a picture of someone (maybe they do this in person too, but I haven't observed that) they haven't seen in a while, maybe many years, and they'll exclaim, "you look exactly the same!" and most of the time, they absolutely do NOT look "exactly the same". Sometimes they do, as some people age very well, but some people have clearly aged, or are clearly their age. But we see them through our memories of them, and overlay that version of them on their current selves, and/or we're just being kind. Fighting that lumpy middle aged thing is a challenge that not everyone takes. Many people just let time and gravity and gray hair and all the other unpleasantries take their course. I feel like one of those people, and that has GOT to change, because I am disgusted with myself and because I know that I will continue to be invisible to men in this state. I look in the mirror and see a fat old lady. I don't know what other people see, but surely they'd lie to me if they saw what I see. Time, you suck.

lucid dreaming

Had sort of a lucid dream last night. I was on a bike that I left somewhere and then went back to it to find it had been ticketed and I was being fined over $400. I'm sure this comes directly from all this bullshit. But then I told myself, "this is a dream. you can get out of this..." and then I did! I don't remember that ever happening before.

That's all. Shower time.

things you can't say on Facebook, part...whatever

"I desperately need a date with my fiancé."

Fuck you. I desperately need a fiancé.

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I came across a list of the most loathsome Americans, and P is on it. There are so many things that I disagree with him on (global warming, his completely anti-gov't stance, disregard for environmentalism, dislike of animals, various others) but I guess I never thought of him as particularly sexist. But it looks like a lot of people think he is. He's always been very...fair with me, considerate and responsive. I'll have to think about this more. I read someone referring to him as a Libertarian Evangelist, and that's an apt description, for sure. He will not stray from Libertarian doctrines, even when logic (tries to) intervene. That's evangelism, and that's too bad.

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It's been another day of horror, mostly financial. I live in this world alone. I guess it's best it's that way because it would be embarrassing to bring anyone else into it. Maybe it's why I'm alone. 

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I went to the store today because I really really wanted a pineapple. Turns out they're out of pineapples because of the storm keeping trucks from getting in. Give me my pineapple!

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I want to kick the people upstairs for their nonstop noise. The other day I wrote down every time they dragged something across the floor, or skipped or fell or stomped (again, this is not regular walking, which is itself very loud, but is just walking, so...can't do anything about that, I guess):

9:30
9:39
10:16
10:28
11:00
11:03
11:37
11:40
11:41
11:49
12:37
12:39
12:44
12:50
12:54
1:03
1:06
1:07
[gone till...]
1:52
2:12
2:14
2:19
3:04
3:06
3:09
3:10
3:16
3:25
3:32
3:33
3:35
4:24
[out of earshot]
4:51
5:02
5:07

That's when I stopped counting, but it went on for several more hours, and that's how it is EVERY DAY. I'm going nuts. 

re-do

Ok, abbreviated re-do of lost entry:

I'm disappointed but not surprised, I guess, at how many people are talking about their need for mountains of alcohol to get through this storm. As if if they don't have a liquor store's stockroom full of booze, they simply could not survive. I know everyone thinks it's funny; I just find it sad.

Here's my short list of weird foods with which to survive a snowpocalypse (no alcohol included):

- half sour pickles
- snap peas
- one can soup
- frozen egg white burritos
- cranberry bread mix
- cereals
- cut pineapple
- some pasta
- turkey bologna
- granny smith apples
- milk
- eggs
- onion
- juice
- beets

and a lot of tea, coffee drinks, hot chocolate, soda possibilities available.

That should do.

Watched "Lars and the Real Girl" last night. Very sweet, weird and incredibly well acted.

Think I'm going to out and brush some snow off my car and one of my house windows that is completely obscured already.

snow daze

just lost an entire post.

won't try to reconstruct.

fuck.

 

o the most pious

I have a bunch of Mormon friends (and some ex-Mormons). They're universally pretty cool people. I like them all. But every once in a while the judgey pious bullshit surfaces, and you realize: yes, they really are part of a restricted, small minded ideology, like most religions. Like the friend who posted a pic of (someone I know) from last weekend's LA festival, in performance -

Here are the comments he made about this skirt:

First, actually, his wife said:

"That's rather...unflattering. I wouldn't put it on any woman."

then he said:

"Makes her look like she's hiding a pregnancy. 2 feet of bare skin, ankles almost to her pelvis. All the lines point to her crotch. Hem length is so high that the whole show she'd be in danger of a massive wardrobe malfuntion if she moved wrong, particularly since the audience is looking UP her skirt. It makes her thighs and hips look chubby, which they most assuradely are not. The draped folds hanging down aren't voluminous enough to be playful but too round to be flattering. KNEECAPS." (typos his, emphasis mine) 

Let's not play games, shall we? This isn't about fashion of what is or is not flattering, especially since he and his wife and their 62 children dress all manner of baggy-frumpy. It's about what they think is immodest, showing too much skin, too revealing, too sexy for a cappella. To which I say: fuck you. As someone who DOES care about fashion and knows about it, this skirt is not only on trend, it looks good. SHE looks good. "Points to her crotch"? Only you're thinking that, dude. Keep your puritanical bullshit to yourselves. You may want to dress yourself and your family like this:

 

But then don't hold yourself up as any fashion arbiter, mmmkay? Especially when it's clear that's not what this is about at all. You have a daughter you can force to wear shapeless prairie dresses a la 1992, at least for a while more. Poor girl...

that's my kinda party

I just had to laugh (internally, because I usually don't LOL, y'all) because I remembered that when my sister, my cousin Jenny and I were little and we were together, we would take off our pants/underpants and run around yelling, "VAGINA PARTY! VAGINA PARTY!", and noone batted an eye. THAT is what happens when you have feminist, hippie parents, and it is awesome.

Then again, we also would put pillows (in their cases) over our heads (which pretty much covered us completely) and would run around, and into each other and other things, going, "PILLOWHEADS!", so...

everyone chill

Right now I want to fucking punch in the kidneys everyone who is vomiting worship for Beyonce onto my screen. Not because I dislike her (I don't), but because the level of unfettered worship for her is INSANE. Ridiculous. I guess it's mostly people in their 20s who may very well literally think she's a god.

If I could trade lives anyone, it would for sure be Beyonce! Oh.my.god. So awesome! Wasn't ready for that jelly!! In love with her!!

She is flawless. She is a gift from God that we as a human race are not worthy of receiving. She is generous enough to grace is with her perfection. All hail the Queen B

And then Beyonce told the world, in no uncertain terms, that she is better than us all. #gattaca #damngirl

BEYONCE. I JUST CANNOT. ♥

DAS IT. I WASN'T READY FOR THAT JELLY.

Can I be beyonce?

Beyoncé. 'Nuff said.

Legitimately crying, it's Beyonce's world and were all just living in it.

Beyonce = everything. I'm dying. I've died. I am dead. 

I didn't even search for those; I just SCROLLED DOWN. And that's just a sampling.

CALM THE FUCK DOWN. She's not that amazing. I saw the half time show. It was good, not the most amazing performance ever done by a human being on this or any other planet forever and ever amen. It's like everyone's mainlining some magic kool-aid that causes them to lose their shit whenever she's mentioned or seen. And I haven't had any.

This.

found

Yeah, I don't lose things, like I said. Sometimes they just fall behind your tall file cabinet and you find them after you've gone through all of your files (and your car) multiple times.

Oy. At least I have a bagfull of papers to recycle after deciding that I don't need records of EVERY job I've ever done...or receipts from 2005.

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Yesterday I went to one of the local roast beef places and noticed they had meatless burgers once again! They used to have them and then they didn't and now they do again, and they are sooo good (no really, they're so good). I kinda want another one today.

They also have these drinks. Wiper fluid and churned blood? Who drinks that stuff?

Not those that have a Source

too plugged in

This is the weekend of the LA acafest that I'm not at. I don't want to link to it because I don't want it to lead back to me. So the scholastic competition is going on right now and people are tweeting like crazy. I think maybe I need to take a social media break this weekend, because this is already painful. For multiple reasons. Not being there, the adoration and admiration that they all have for each other that never trickles down to me at all. Funny that yesterday and today I spent tons of time on CASA stuff. In fact, I posted the award nominations, which is a much more time consuming process - with multiple steps - than it sounds. And instantly people were swept up in the frenzy of having been nominated. Good for them, really. That represents a TON of work by people all over the world. It's hard to be on the outskirts of it. That post has been up only 24 hours and has already seen over 300 PAGES of views. Many of our articles never get close that in years.

I had to work with our former pres to put that up, as she's in charge of those awards. And she mentioned that she didn't have anyone to watch her son on Fri and Sat nights. I told her I'd ask my nieces. She apparently didn't know I had nieces. Turns out both of them can't do tomorrow because they're going to be in a music video (!), but Sawyer agreed to do tonight and is there now. Meanwhile, a group from her high school, one of only two hs groups performing tonight, is apparently killing it. I was surprised Sawyer agreed to babysit because 1.) she's a busy girl with lots of friends and a boyfriend and a job, 2.) she doesn't love kids that much, but she agreed readily. She's the best. But I think the little boy will be asleep the whole time. Today I've also helped people get tickets to tonight's show, continued to spread the word via social media, more promo for our festival in April, updated the WACA site, and I reviewed a video that a friend is doing (at his request) that will end up being him...and Josh Groban. Among many other things.

N is there with one of his groups performing. His other group will be performing here next weekend. I watch him throw out piles of enthusiastic support and compliments to other people and groups and I think about how it's a brilliant marketing plan. No matter what he thinks personally, what he shows is good-guy support. Kinda like V. Not that he'd say anything negative publicly, but he calculatedly makes sure he shouts out to everyone he might work with in the future. But doesn't speak to me. See? Hurts.

We also launched our events Instagram. Only a few pics so far but many more this weekend, I suspect. And he's in one of the few so far.

But yeah, can I skip social media for the weekend without missing something I need to know? That's one of the downsides to having a job that relies so heavily on SM, because you can't just abandon it.

I wonder what I should do on Sunday, aka the Day I Have All The Stores To Myself...?